Page 2 | Have you ever been the filler in ?

pinkposies · 2019-06-17T09:11:50+00:00

Not exactly as a girlfriend but fulfilling that role without the sex bit? When did the penny drop and how did you remove yourself from that situation? Thanks for reading .

AryaStarkWolf · 17/06/2019 11:34

@pinkposies with all due respect if you didn't fancy him/want him to be more than a friend then you wouldn't really be complaining about being a "filler in" because you would just see him as a friend. It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that it isn't the case but it really really sounds like it is.

EllenRachel · 17/06/2019 11:36

Yes I've had similar and was way more intense than other friendships (and I do have some very close friends - this was different). He was also a narcissist and, it took a while, but once I realised who he was I went total no contact - years ago now.

If your friend is a nice person generally (mine wasn't) who doesn't respect boundaries but you want to stay friends then it's up to you to enforce them. Meet less, reply less, don't share much about your personal life.

Original poster

pinkposies · 17/06/2019 11:36

Thanks @AryaStarkWolf

OP posts:

BadgersBum · 17/06/2019 11:36

Oh yes, I was blindly and foolishly mad about someone when I was about 19/20, we went out for a few months until he decided he 'didn't want to be in a relationship'.

What this really meant was 'with me', as I later found out when he turned up in my local pub with his fiancee, he'd still been sleeping with me behind her back right up until the moment I found out she existed. He tried it on with me again a few times after (including on his stag night when I bumped into them in town), and I later found out through mutual friends that they'd split up after one of the staff from a pub near their house had given birth to his child approximately a month after she'd had his daughter.

VillanellePlaysuit · 17/06/2019 11:41

I think if he's not respecting your boundaries then that's an issue.

I have very close friends like your friend though - so I'm wondering why it's bothering you now if it didn't before? Might that be what is confusing him?

Original poster

pinkposies · 17/06/2019 11:43

He is a sweet, kind and loving man but he is also selfish, spoiled and rigid . Part of me thinks he knows exactly what he is up to .. he is intelligent , the other part of me hoped that he is not using me for emotional crutch or an ego boost. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt or at least I have until now.
His girlfriend has no idea about his continuos contact with me or her issues that he has discussed with me .
To describe him in anither way, he compartmentalises his whole life . Everyone and everything fits into a box and are kept separate from each other

OP posts:

PurpleWithRed · 17/06/2019 11:45

I think he’s a bit of a tosser who has no respect or empathy for anyone other than himself, and you’re a lovely person who’s struggling to say no to him.

Maybe put some boundaries/rules in place for yourself and stick to them

no more than 3 texts a day to him
have lunch with someone else at least twice a week
if he talks about his girlfriend always say ‘I think you are being unfair about xxx and I’m not going to talk about her any more’

...or whatever you think you can manage. Of course he wont like it and will push you, but you have every right to push right back and frankly he needs to understand he can’t treat his friends like this.

Original poster

pinkposies · 17/06/2019 11:46

It's bothering me now because the penny has dropped . I always gave him the benefit of the doubt but I am not believing that I may be just an emotional tool for him and an ego stroke . He doesn't respect my boundaries. He tries to reel me in every time I pull away

OP posts:

Mollie3 · 17/06/2019 11:54

@pinkposies I love him but am not attracted to him. Does that make sense to anyone?

Yes that makes complete sense to me. But then again I have to love myself most and do what’s right for me. He sounds like a dependent who saps your energy and time, telling you things you have no wish to hear or comment on. You should put yourself first and shut him down somewhat, I know easier said than done!

If he was a girlfriend would you still feel like the ‘filler in’ or whatever? Have you a partner yourself or is he a kind of substitute boyfriend to you?

Sounds like he likes the chase and by you withdrawing a bit it’s on! I think he probably has feelings for you.

You seem to be between a rock and a hard place on this considering you work together.

I would try to find more interests/people/activities to fill my time outside of work so he drifts off the radar a bit. Yes you would be withdrawing but you can only take what you can take and there is no need for you to feel guilty. He seems to be a huge drain on you. Prioritise yourself and put your energy into other outlets. If he gets funny about it that’s his problem, you may just need to say clearly and firmly that the friendship has got too intense and you want to keep things lighthearted.

At work there must be things you can do to limit contact with him? If not perhaps have a word with boss/HR, could they redeploy either of you or put you on different tasks or shifts.

Good luck!

Justaboy · 17/06/2019 11:54

It's bothering me now because the penny has dropped . I always gave him the benefit of the doubt but I am not believing that I may be just an emotional tool for him and an ego stroke . He doesn't respect my boundaries. He tries to reel me in every time I pull away

Well you said it, what more need you ask?

VillanellePlaysuit · 17/06/2019 12:10

pinkposies that makes sense and I do have friends who are like him. The only way I find you can deal with it is to keep him at arm's length. Keep the contact with him what you want not what he wants. It's really hard and you may find you need to block him on days he's been bombarding you with messages (or turn your phone off!). You may find you miss your friendship when he isn't being so overwhelming and you may be able to reset it to something that works better for you.

Original poster

pinkposies · 17/06/2019 12:11

He fulfils an emotional need in me that I'm missing in other relationships . I can and do talk with him about everything and anything . Plus he flatters me , which I now wonder is a whole lot of shit , with the aim to keep me sweet and available to listen and advise him when he needs it or to s bored?

OP posts:

VillanellePlaysuit · 17/06/2019 12:13

I think you might be underestimating how much of a friend he is to you if he listens to you and you're able to talk to him about everything. Maybe it's just got completely unbalanced with him demanding too much of you.

Raaaaaah · 17/06/2019 12:21

This doesn’t really make sense. It seems that the friendship is platonic on both sides so that isn’t a problem. Is it that you feel uncomfortable for the girlfriend? Or although you don’t want a relationship with him you would like for it to be a possibility? It seems quite simple though, if you don’t enjoy his company then just gradually let the friendship go.

Original poster

pinkposies · 17/06/2019 12:22

@VillanellePlaysuit you may be right. it seems unbalanced though. Let's just say I do 70% of the listening and the advising . I do feel drained but I do want to help him . He tends to ask for advice and then ignore it . I guess I am like a sounding board

OP posts:

MoreThanJustANumber · 17/06/2019 12:28

If neither of you really want more than friendship from this then I don't really see the problem. Would you feel any differently if he were a female friend or your brother?

I've had several really close male friends over the years, I haven't ever really felt like they've been using me, certainly no more than I've 'used them' when I've needed a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on. It's sad that you're wondering if his flattery is just a lot of shit, he probably genuinely values your friendship and any compliments are surely because he really does respect/admire/value/love you too.

Since you can talk to him about anything I'd recommend telling him how you feel, say you don't feel it's fair on his girlfriend to discuss certain aspects of their relationship with you. Just see how it goes from there.

If however, one of you does want more than friendship, then that's when one of you will probably get hurt.

MoreThanJustANumber · 17/06/2019 12:32

Just read your latest post... I guess if it's that unbalanced then it is draining. I think all friendships go through phases where one needs the other more, as long as he's still around when you need him and doesn't only expect you to listen ALL the time.

And next time, if he asks for advice, which he won't follow I'd be inclined not to give any, or turn the questions round 'what do YOU think you should do?', 'what would you advise ME to do if I were in your position?'

bigKiteFlying · 17/06/2019 12:49

I knew a guy who did this to two of my University friends - first one when she graduated he went for the other one. He wanted a relationship with them but they weren't interested in him that way.

When they did pull back he got very nasty and yet most people still felt sorry for him.

He was never nice to me - especially when he went after second friend who I was very close to at the time - constant snipping and PA comments and poor me if you said anything back. So perhaps it was easier for me to see him but he was nasty in gossipy way about a lot people but especially women everyone seemed to let that slide – it was very odd.

I think my friends were supposed to be pleased when he had a girlfriend and ran her down to them .

Original poster

pinkposies · 17/06/2019 12:57

Thanks. We do not want a relationship with eachother but I do not like the way he confides in me about her . Her past is very sensitive and private and I wonder if he speaks about my confidences like this aswell. I have asked him to stop confiding in me about her .
He seems thrilled to be sharing all the weird(disturbing) and wonderful( off the wall) stuff that she has gone through. Like it excites and intrigued him more than feeling sympathy and empathy for her .
He has no problem dropping her like a hot stone if better offer comes along even though she has no one else to meet or may have set time aside for him, but does not do that to me. Perhaps I'm losing respect for him and am afraid of him betraying me .

OP posts:

VillanellePlaysuit · 17/06/2019 13:01

I think you're losing respect for him. One of my closest male friend is a love bomber and once I figured this out, I found it very hard to be as close to him as I was before. Then I sat him down and pointed out what he was doing and he was horrified - he hadn't realised.

Do you think he has the self awareness to take on board your criticism? Given how close you are, it might be good for him to hear some real feedback. I would also point out how you don't like how he's treating his gf. Men need to hear this from women close to them I think. He probably feels he's excusing himself by telling you all this shit.

darthbreakz · 17/06/2019 13:05

Maybe you need to tell him this stuff and see what happens. I think if a friend of mine was saying shit stuff about their partner I might call them out on it and say either that it's not cool to talk about your gf like that or that I don't feel comfortable hearing it.

Not sure he sounds totally unreasonable - if you're friends and this is what he sees friendship as.

I wonder what you do want from this situation.

Raaaaaah · 17/06/2019 13:09

Well then it seems like the root of the issue you have with him is that you don’t like the way he is treating/talking about her. In which case it is simply resolved. Just don’t engage with it and tell him that it is not ok. If he continues then tell him you feel so strongly about it that you can’t be a friend to him whilst he is doing it.

Raaaaaah · 17/06/2019 13:11

I have to say though, I vent to my closest friend about my partner as does she about her partner. We both know that it is just venting and actually it helps our relationships as we can shrug of grievances and move on more quickly.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/06/2019 13:15

@pinkposies have you actually told him that you don't want to talk about his g/f?

HarleyS · 17/06/2019 13:17

The problem here is he doesn't care when you have problems.
If he was female would you still bother?
You must want more on a sub conscious level or you wouldn't even bother posting this.
He's not interested in you at all, you're a sounding board and an ego stroke.
Otherwise, he would at least care about what's happening in your life.