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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for help with 69

80 replies

Deafdonkey · 16/06/2019 21:55

You lovely mumsnetters have helped me in the past so asking for your knowledge and experience.
My year 6 has asked what 69 is. They know its something to do with sex. Can anyone help me to age appropriately explain it.

Thanks

OP posts:

AmeriAnn · 16/06/2019 23:07

*is not in

Ellisandra · 16/06/2019 23:09

@letstryanewone has it. You don’t need to go into graphic detail.
My Y5 has known for ages that sex is something adults do for fun because it feels nice - not just to make a baby.
She knows the basic position is penis in vagina. It would be very easy to explain that people like to try different positions for kissing and sex and that it’s 69 to mean one person this way, one that way. Nothing to get het up over.

mondaysaturday · 16/06/2019 23:11

My mum's default answer to these things was "I don't know either. Must be some new slang I've never heard of."

I'd run with that, OP.

EleanorReally · 16/06/2019 23:13

to coin a phrase - i dont think he is in to you op

EleanorReally · 16/06/2019 23:14

oops wrong thread

Ellisandra · 16/06/2019 23:14

@AmeriAnn this is a UK based site and the majority of users are based in the UK, or live outside the UK with strong links to it. Therefore, they will either:

know what Y6 age range is
know that they need to quickly google it

Many posters are Scottish, but they’ll mostly know that Y6 is P7.

If I was on a US based site with mainly US posters, I’d just google 5th grade age range 🤷‍♀️

Why on earth is it inappropriate for children to learn about sex, reproduction and relationships in school?

BadnessInTheFolds · 16/06/2019 23:14

I think an 11 year old would find it pretty disgusting, but that's ok!

I'm glad you found my suggestion useful @Deafdonkey

Agree you could start with, "it's a sexual position" and see if that's enough for now

Fwiw I'm influenced by remembering when I wasn't much older (maybe 12??) A group of girls at school were all talking about wanking and asked if I did it. I didn't know what it meant and they all laughed at me and got really silly about it. No one wanted to say what it was as it was 'far too rude' (now I wonder if at least some of them also didn't know!) I ended up feeling really stupid and it bothered me, I thought it was sexual and a bit dirty from their reaction and not knowing what they meant made it seem like a bigger deal somehow. A slightly older girl (a neighbour) told me and it put my mind at rest to have a clear answer. All the fuss the girls at school were making was quite unsettling and I think if I'd asked a parent and they had fobbed me off I would have felt even worse. If your DC has been worrying all weekend then I think a simple honest answer might be reassuring

FermatsTheorem · 16/06/2019 23:16

The biology is important. The emotional context is important (I've explained that it's not just for making babies, it's something adults do because it feels nice, but it's also emotionally complicated, so you both have to really like and respect each other*, and both have to really want to do it, for it to be okay). But the graphic details? Nope, not at age 10/11. "A type of sex" will cover it nicely.

*Yes, that's a value judgement on my part. But part of parenting is instilling values. I think casual sex works for some people, but not for others, and I'd sooner my son grows up into a man for whom sex comes in some sort of emotional context, and with respect for the woman he's having sex with, than turns into some sort of serial "shag 'em and run" merchant.

ADropofReality · 16/06/2019 23:18

"A 69 is a small ice cream with a flake in it. Now clear off."

neveradullmoment99 · 16/06/2019 23:24

OMG don't tell the details. Way too much information for an 11 year old. I would just say, its something to do with sex and maybe go so far as saying sexual positions. Just no more than that.

IrishGal21 · 16/06/2019 23:26

I think she may just google it
Hmm is 11 too young to know? Maybe put it off for a few years, preserve her innocence

Purpleartichoke · 16/06/2019 23:28

We have always been very open about sex, much to my dd’s Chagrin, but at 6, I think I would just say that “there are lots of slang words grown ups use to talk about sex and sometimes kids here them. Kids really don’t need to know more about them”

manybirdsnests · 16/06/2019 23:32

@BadnessInTheFolds
I love your answer - factual and down-to-earth, no fuss.
That's what I'd be aiming for and I'm not surprised OP found it useful.

letstryanewone · 16/06/2019 23:33

@Deafdonkey - thanks 😊 she did do good. Like you she also didn't have a mum like herself (thought she was bleeding to death when she started her period aged 11) so was determined to be matter of fact with me. I honestly think it's served me well and that I have a very healthy view of sex and relationships .

justbeniceplease · 16/06/2019 23:35

Many posters are Scottish, but they’ll mostly know that Y6 is P7.

I'm one of the few that doesn't.

'Age 11' is so much easier than 'year 6' which means work out the equivalent then work out the age. Saying the age is so much more sensible. I have no idea why people refer to children in school years for age anyway.

I wouldn't say 'Primary 5' if I were talking about my 9 year old. I would simply say 'my 9 year old'

Like I said upthread: this is one of my pet hates

letstryanewone · 16/06/2019 23:38

And while I assume people are joking, let's not tell her it's an ice cream. Poor kid. Best situation she asks the ice cream man for a 69, worse situation she's left vulnerable when a predator offers it and she thinks she's getting food.

BedraggledBlitz · 16/06/2019 23:39

A sexual position involving oral sex?

Would that lead to a need to explain oral sex?

It's better that they ask a parent instead of just googling it.

1CantPickAName · 16/06/2019 23:47

@Deafdonkey sorry, haven’t rtft but... I have a dd in year 7 and try to be as honest as possible. I would explain that intercourse is not just for procreation but also for fun (use age appropriate terms as you see fit). A woman can use her mouth to pleasure a man (I’m sure most 11yos have heard of a blow job, I’m not sure many mn’ers will believe me but I do have a 12yo dd who has asked me what this as her peers have been talking about it) and also a man can use his mouth to please a woman. And when a man and a woman pleasure each other it is commonly called a 69.

Yes it is a very sexual act but the fact that your child is asking you means that they and their peers are discussing it. There is nothing wrong with being honest and factual with your child. They will still google it and find out for themselves. St least this way you have the opportunity to have an open and honest discussion with them about relationships and how they should be treated emotionally and physically and how to protect themselves. If we don’t have these conversations how will they learn?

Ellisandra · 16/06/2019 23:49

@justbeniceplease I tend to agree on just saying the age. Though actually the one time when I think school year is more helpful, is Y6! Because 11 can be Y6 or Y7, and with that being primary vs secondary there’s a big bit of growing up there, and often a change in exposure.

My issue isn’t with posters preferring to have the age, I agree generally. My issue is that I think it’s silly to complain about it from the point of view of not being in the UK - on a UK site! And the example about 5th graders is just silly - if you can post on MN, you can take 10 seconds to google!

Hecateh · 16/06/2019 23:52

Every time I read or hear about something like this I remember a story about a child (5 or 6) asking where they came from. Parent tries to explain but clearly embarrassed and after 15 minutes they notice their child is still looking very confused
Child then says 'My friend say he comes from Birmingham and I wanted to know where I came from'

On the personal embarrassment front - I was at my parents in my early 30s. Someone on the tv mentioned a blowjob and my Mum (late 70's) says 'what's that'. Rather embarrassed I shrugged my shoulders and said 'I don't know!'
Later the same evening mum had gone to bed and I had had some wine so I said to Dad, 'I didn't know what to say when Mum asked that' to which he responded 'Well, what is it? I don't know either' Oh shit - so I just said 'Well, what do you think it is?' . He said 'Isn't that dangerous?' . I just said - 'I don't think they actually blow.

icclemunchy · 16/06/2019 23:55

I asked our science teacher this during sex Ed when we were in year 6. A mate dared me too 🤷‍♀️

He just said it was a sex act between two adults and to go sit down so he could finish the lesson 😂

1CantPickAName · 16/06/2019 23:58

Definitely lead with asking what do they think a 69 is, just incase you’re getting ahead of your self. Don’t say I’ll tell you when you’re older. Ffs they all have access to google and some can access pornhub!

mondaysaturday · 16/06/2019 23:59

My issue is that I think it’s silly to complain about it from the point of view of not being in the UK - on a UK site!

England =/= the entire UK

user1473878824 · 17/06/2019 00:01

Genuinely amazed that people’s main take from this is “well school years are different here so yabu”.

“I will tell you when you’re older”
“I don’t know.”

Done. No 11-year-Old needs to be taught about sexual positions ffs.

Terriere · 17/06/2019 00:48

I knew something had been worrying DC all weekend and finally found out before bed. I had no idea how to deal with it but knew I don't think 'you are too young to know' is an appropriate answer.

In your place I would have been far more concerned as to why my child had been worrying about this all weekend than asking MN what answer you should give.

The fact that it is weighing on their mind suggests they are out of their depth and upset about a glimpse into an adult world they don't understand. As a parent it would be more responsible to reassure them that they are too young to need to know about this stuff now.

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