To limit contact with my mum after this?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I think I might need to cut contact with my mum. I invited her over for lunch and drinks at ours. My brothers came, one with a girlfriend I hadn't met before and my stepdad and gran. We made lunch for everyone, made sure everyone had plenty of wine, beer, Cider, gin and soft drinks. My mum poured herself large glasses of gin and got aggressively drunk. She was obviously looking to start an argument and started questioning me about why I still talk to my aunty that she's fallen out with. I changed the subject but she kept pushing. I said to my stepdad 'I think mum is wanting an argument but I just want to have a nice day.'
She overheard and said to me in front of everyone 'i don't know why you are siding with him, he used to say you smelled everytime you walked past when you were 13.'
I calmly said to her that I possibly did smell, dd(13) certainly does sometimes and as a mother it would have been her job to make sure I kept myself clean. I said that as I am now 38 years old, I wasn't sure why she was saying this at a party where she had enjoyed my hospitality.
She went outside and burst into tears and said she didn't know what she had done wrong.
My stepdad said that she drove off in her car when they got home. She was very drunk. It's not the first time.😡 She also has form for this type of behaviour.

So she was nasty, you questioned her nastiness and she didn't like it and got in a huff, then drunk drove. OP you were in no way unreasonable.

I hope your stepdad called the police when she drove off drunk.

Did anyone report her for drink driving?

No he didn't report her and we didn't know about the drink driving until the next day.

She sounds a really nasty piece of work, doesn't she? And on top of all the bitching she goes off for a drive, drunk. Your step father should have reported her to the police when she drove away.

I can't invite her to any occasion without her doing this. She hasn't met my partner's parents because she would do something similar.

YANBU. Horrible woman.
She sounds like she has very low self-esteem and is using alcohol for bravado and to speak to others like they are crap in order to make herself feel better.
Especially evil she is doing this to her own DD. I'd definitely be going low contact.
Have you received an apology? What did your db say about this? What about her husband?
Next time you get wind of drink driving ring the police.

I think you handled it very well, not rising to it and not giving her the reaction she wanted. Bringing up the thing about saying you smelled at 13 is so childish, and there was literally no other reason to say it other than to hurt you or embarrass you, and frankly it’s quite pathetic. She cried because she knew you were right and used her tears as a weapon to try and make you feel bad.

I wouldn’t judge you at all for limiting contact, you don’t need that toxicity in your life.

I think you have answered your own question OP. She sounds horrid.

She sounds vile. Glad you called her out on it. If I were you I would completely go NC with her. She is toxic!

My brothers told her she was out of order. She apologised but then said to my gran ' I don't know why I had to apologise for telling the truth.'

Your mother sounds awful, you poor thing. Please limit your contact with her for your own health and sanity.

The party was partly to show everyone my lovely new house, so I wonder if she was trying to put me in my place with a put down.

I want to get married but there's no way she could come to my wedding - she would ruin it in some way with the drama she creates.

It was hurtful and humiliating in front of my partner and my brother's girlfriend I hadn't met before.

She sounds utterly ghastly and criminal. I despise Drink Drivers.

I wouldn't hesitate to let her local police station know. They can't do anything about it now but they could well call on her and frighten her.

She is utterly toxic.

Do not invite her to any social occasion again.

That's how you deal with people whom can't behave with decorum.

I can't stand people who ruin social occasions. It wouldn't happen twice in my home.

YANBU.

Don't invite her to any occasions again. You can't trust that she won't kick off so therefore she doesn't get to be included. After her nastiness at lunch I certainly wouldn't be contacting her first. Maybe keep future meetings alcholol free - that's if you even want to continue seeing her. Go for coffee during the day as opposed to going to her house/having her to your house, so she can't access alcohol. If she's a bitch in general then I'd say keep your distance.

Hmmmm, and gran and her husband just let this happen.
Don't invite her and you DSF next time. And make sure you block any sm responses from her.
She has BIG problems and it's not you. And others are enabling her.

She wouldn't meet me for coffee as she would have no interest in doing that. She shows absolutely no interest in her grandchildren and I find her very poisonous.

why do you bother with her?

It's OK not to see her if you don't want to

Stepdad is under her spell and seems terrified that I'll stop speaking to her, because then she takes it out on him. Gran is in her 80s and forgetful but I think was as narcissistic as my mum in her time, which is why aunty has completely cut contact with them.

I find it hard and I don't know why. I guess as she's my mum and I worry I would never forgive myself if something happened to her and we weren't speaking. Then she has times when she can be relatively pleasant (though self absorbed).

You need to go NC from this vile woman

The only unreasonable part of your question is- Should you ‘limit’ contact.

No, you should cut her out of your life TOTALLY.

You really should have a look at the Stately Homes threads on the Relationships board, for people with toxic parents. You should consider limiting your contact with your mum, you're not responsible for her or your stepdad.

Your stepdad should have reported her for drink driving.

Ideally, i agree with PPs stating that you should go NC with her, but realise that you're not yet ready to face doing that. But less contact would be a good starting point. You really don't owe her anything.

What a nasty bitch clearly jealous of your new house. I would go low contact with her, and your step father can fend for himself! Not your problem if he can’t stand up for himself, he married her.

I guess as she's my mum and I worry I would never forgive myself if something happened to her and we weren't speaking.

Just because someone has some of the same blood running through their veins as you does not give them the right to treat you like shit.

I've been NC with my mother for 25 years+ and my life is much nicer without that nasty cunt in it.