To limit contact with my mum after this?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I think I might need to cut contact with my mum. I invited her over for lunch and drinks at ours. My brothers came, one with a girlfriend I hadn't met before and my stepdad and gran. We made lunch for everyone, made sure everyone had plenty of wine, beer, Cider, gin and soft drinks. My mum poured herself large glasses of gin and got aggressively drunk. She was obviously looking to start an argument and started questioning me about why I still talk to my aunty that she's fallen out with. I changed the subject but she kept pushing. I said to my stepdad 'I think mum is wanting an argument but I just want to have a nice day.'
She overheard and said to me in front of everyone 'i don't know why you are siding with him, he used to say you smelled everytime you walked past when you were 13.'
I calmly said to her that I possibly did smell, dd(13) certainly does sometimes and as a mother it would have been her job to make sure I kept myself clean. I said that as I am now 38 years old, I wasn't sure why she was saying this at a party where she had enjoyed my hospitality.
She went outside and burst into tears and said she didn't know what she had done wrong.
My stepdad said that she drove off in her car when they got home. She was very drunk. It's not the first time.😡 She also has form for this type of behaviour.

Well, you were going to get a good hearing here on MN when it comes to cutting off mothers op.

As it is, she is an alcoholic. Go to Al Anon near you where you'll get some good, solid strategies to deal with her - or not - and first class support and understanding.

Addiction is the most vile disease. It destroys everything it touches.

She has a problem with alcohol on social occasions but I don't think she's an alcoholic.

Times or locations don’t matter. She’s an alcoholic. Some alcoholics go weeks or months without drinking. But once they start drinking, they can’t stop until they’re drunk. I would writer her a letter, tell her you can’t see her anymore until she stops drinking. Include some literature from Alcoholics Anonymous. Maintain outside contact with your stepdad, if that’s possible and you want to. She won’t change until she wants to, and it’s a cliche, but SHE has to recognise she has a problem before she can deal with it.

I realise you feel your mum may not yet be an alcoholic but she certainly has an alcohol problem that is affecting the dynamics of the family. As the 30 something year old child of an alcoholic father I know how you feel. You have conflicting need to protect yourself and your family from the abuse whilst coping with the guilt of not doing something and also the people in society who guilt you more by saying unhelpful things like “ it’s your parent, it’s an illness, he /she needs help”
The reality is none of these fake platitudes from people who aren’t in the thick of it are any use to you and going to al anon or social workers is a waste of your time ( been there bought the t shirt) as ultimately the only person who can fix the problem is the addict.
Today on Father’s Day mine has managed to get himself admitted to hospital with alcohol related injuries and everyone wants to know where the family is to help this poor man. The same family who have had 30 years of verbal nasty abuse like you describe

In my experience The only way to cope is to prioritise yourself and your feelings and those of your children over anyone .. mum or step dad. Your step dad doesn’t have to stay and it’s not on you to fix her. You can check on her now and then but only on your terms. Once she gets abusive walk away or hang up. You don’t have to ask her to events. We don’t. We help occasionally when he is being pleasant but as soon as the drink comes out we walk away. He isn’t even invited to my sisters (his own daughter) wedding this year. People will judge us as a family but we are past caring what anybody thinks.

I really think the alcohol is a red herring here. She's always been abusive and narcissistic. Alcohol exacerbates it, but it's a facet of her personality anyway. I certainly won't be sending her info from AA, not that she would listen anyway!

I would say Al-anon shows you how to effectively detach.

As anyone knows who has had the misfortune of a toxic relative - either through addiction or plain toxicity - we are susceptible to FOG: fear, obligation, guilt. Al-anon addresses all that.

Maybe the meeting you went to blubbery had lost its way on that. The focus in Al-anon is not the addict but saving ourselves from the debilitating effects of addiction. There is precisely zero we can do about the addict.

I suppose I feel like putting this down to an alcohol problem is making excuses for her behaviour and I don't want to excuse it.

Stepdad is under her spell and seems terrified that I'll stop speaking to her, because then she takes it out on him

He chose to marry her, that's his problem to manage. You didn't choose to have her as a mum. It's not your job to keep in contact with her to deflect her from him and make his life easier.

I don't know how old your mum is but mine (who was never easy) became increasingly more attention seeking and paranoid and bitter as she got older. It really ramped up from about 70. We wondered about thyroid problems, the beginnings of dementia, drink problems etc but it's just the way she is. She's certainly unhappy but nothing seems to make a difference. She's carried on the same style for the last 15 years. Conversation is limited with her as most subjects seem to trigger ranting and upset and she's perfectly capable of doing this off her own back. Personally I keep her at arms length as best I can (I don't live nearby so easier for me). She's now in her 80s, she's everything I've already said but she's also elderly (although still very active) and I don't feel comfortable cutting off contact. We've focused on making sure her actions and words don't do any more damage to the rest of us and our relationships than they already have.

I don't think you need to cut yourself off from her totally, just limit her opportunities to behave in this manner, and don't give her any alcohol in future.

Yes I do need to learn to detach.
There are other aspects of her behaviour. She is obsessed with her appearance and has spent thousands and thousands on surgery to make herself look beautiful. She repeatedly asks how she looks and will often focus on one small aspect of her appearance. It's all part of a narcissistic pattern of behaviour. I don't think Al Anon would be the right place for me to address this relationship as it's more than just her drinking on social occasions - she is incredibly self absorbed and manipulative. I do think therapy would help me to detach though.

This might be of interest.

She's 63 and doesn't have dementia. She's at the gym every day, extremely groomed and glamorous.

Explains it, partly. Doesn't excuse. Alanon is to help you (maybe your siblings) if she is helped along the way that's incidental. She should, but probably won't get help, step dad has a role there.
If you don't want to forgive her you are still tied in, she can still push your buttons. Nothing deserves her behaviour, protect yourself

I don't think you know enough about addiction to say that op. Addiction really isn't an excuse.

As for ..don't give her any alcohol in future LOL. An addict will find its fix come hell or high water. No amount of you 'limiting it' will make a jot of difference.

Certainly stop going anywhere where she can get drunk

That would be nowhere araiwa.

Sorry, I'm sounding like a know-all.

Why can't someone just be an arsehole on MN?

There's always an excuse, alcoholic/dementia/insert other medical condition.

Some people are just not nice.

Yes, I think she's just an arsehole. She's like this when not drinking as well.

Have a break from her OP. Go so LC it's basically NC for a little while and have some breathing space. I promise you life is better without arseholes in in.

Definitely go low/no contact. Did anyone else (stepdad, brothers etc) stick up for you???

My brothers stuck up for me. Stepdad went and hid upstairs. My gran was trying to get me to make up with my mum.

You're not alone OP. I have a mother like this and it's horrible. My mother also hasn't met my in-laws and didn't come to my wedding - could not run this risk of the embarrassment.

I handle it now by detachment. Any social situation is highly managed and the risk controlled.

Don't engage with it. It's one way to put a stop to her control.

I think detachment is the only way forward. I feel hurt and disappointed, but not sure why I expected anything different.

Whether she's an alcoholic or not. Whatever.

What you do know is she's a class A bitch, who wants to, and does hurt you.

You need to decide how much longer you are going to put up with it.

So what if she dies and you're not speaking. If she does die, you won't grieve for her, you'll grieve for the Mother you wish she was.

Better you elope than have her a hundred miles near your wedding. A stressful day is all you have full of drama is the run up to it.