Was it unreasonable? It still hurts me though

[WRB23]

Hi Everyone,

Tough day today, first Father’s Day after separating from my ex partner. Feel very distant from my beautiful daughter and seeing all these lovely social media posts is really hard.

Anyway, I was lucky enough to pop and spend a couple of hours with my DD this morning and got some lovely presents. (Leaving her was so tough). However something came up which has really hit me and made me quite upset. I was given a lovely photo frame with a picture of my daughter in which I adore however I noticed that there were 4 other photo frames on my ex’s table in a gift bag so I made a joke about her being set up for the next few fathers days as she had to buy a pack of frames.

Turns out she has bought frames and photos of my daughter to give to her new partner for Father’s Day!! She has been with her new partner for a few months, they don’t live together (yet) and he hardly has anything to do with my daughter! It’s broken my heart a little bit and has made me quite upset. I feel as though my ex is really trying to push me out of the picture and if I’m honest I think it’s slighty odd. I’m sure if I had a new partner and I bought mother’s day things for her from my daughter I’d be told where to go!

Am I being crazy about this or do I have some right to feel the way I do.

She's only been with her new partner a few months and she's giving him a photo of her daughter for Father's Day. She is bonkers.

Unfortuntately when you split up little things like this will crop up steadily and you have to rise above it otherwise you will go crazy.

Glad you had a nice couple of hours with your daughter. Why couldn't you spend the day with her? Do you not see her much?

You're not being crazy, she's being ridiculous.

If I were with a boyfriend for a few months and he sent me a Mother's Day gift from his child, I'd run a mile and wouldn't look back.

Try not to let it get to you and just make sure your daughter knows who her dad is, for the rest of her life.

I have been with dp for 18 months. Dont live together

He no longer speaks to his son from his previous marriage. The son is his adult step son, not his own and is in prison for a horrible crime for which he doesnt even think os a big deal. So after months of visiting him and his step son joking about his crime. Dp cut off all contact.

So I really feel for dp. He brought his stepson up from 6 months. Bio dad never in the picture. Obviously he womt get anything today

I still woildnt give him a framed photo of my son by my ex husband in a photo frame. He isnt ds dad. He is my partner. He is an amazing partner and helped me decorate ds bedroom when we moved in etc. He is great with Ds. They get on really well.

He still isnt his dad.

Yabu to be upset. She is batshit crazy. And if this man thinks this is fine or even hinted that he expected something, then I would be very worried about his intentions too.

People do not date someone and then see themseleves as their boyfriend/girlfriends kids parents within a few weeks.

Sorry I thought I added it in to my main post. She has been with this new partner for around 6-8 months. What may confuse matters slightly is that she is now pregnant with his child. I still don’t believe I am being that unreasonable that I’m not happy that he is being given Father’s Day gifts from my daughter. My daughter who’s dad is still a big part of her life, who’s dad would do anything for her yet this new man is being given gifts from her as if he is her father.

My ex is quite bad at trying to push me away from my DD. Being told constantly that our DD doesn’t settle with me, doesn’t like coming to me etc which is all rubbish. I can just see what today is now doing, it’s all part of a plan to push me as far out as she can.... as if I’m not a parent.

I see my daughter twice a week at the moment, my ex had plans today to take them to see family so I had to beg to see her this morning. I got a couple of hours which I’m delighted about but it’s never enough is it.

Sounds like she is very quickly moving on and wanting to play happy families with the new partner. You are, sadly, an inconvenience to that nice plan. You'll just have to stick to making sure you are there to support your daughter where you can.

I think you need to prepare to get formal visitation.

Did the frame at least have a scan photo and one of your dd in?

Could it be she didnt want dd to feel left out?

Doesnt matter though, if you feel you are being pushed out or that she may try and reduce contact. You need to get it formalised.

Get to mediation. There has been a thread here recently where a woman who has a new baby with her new dp, is trying to block access. Even to the degree of lying to the court and saying he didnt bother with her for 3 months. When he has proof he did. Her solicitor is trying to get his statement thrown out so it doesnt come out that she is lying. This woman also doesnt want to share any events with the childs father.

This attitude, isnt the norm. But if you think it could go down that route, get it sorted now.

I wouldn't be very happy about that.

If I were her new partner I'd be weirded out - it's very soon. I agree with others, push to get your visitation rights formalised.

She didn’t want DD to feel left out? In respect of not being involved in gifts to her new partner?

Considering DD is only 1, I’m not sure she’s too fussed about being left out to be honest with you. I’m not sure she knows too much about Father’s Day.

Giving her new partner a photo frame with photo’s of our daughter in for Father’s Day, there is no rhyme or reason in my eyes. I wouldn’t have a new partner, however long I’d been with her and give her mother’s day gifts from my daughter? She wouldn’t be my daughters mother so why would I do that. This man is not my daughters father so why is he being given gifts etc.

Her new partner has two children already by the way. I’m sure he would react the same as me if his two children were giving Father’s Day gifts out to other men.

Yes I think you need to get legal here re contact times.

Lawyers are expensive but worth their weight: you can pay in instalments over a long period of time ime.

There isn't a law against parental alienation yet afaik but it's in the pipeline.

You need to keep your eye on this op.

She didn’t want DD to feel left out? In respect of not being involved in gifts to her new partner?

Kind of what I meant. I am not excusing it, just trying grasp why she would think this is ok.

If your child is only one, that's definitely not the reason.

You need to get this sorted now. When that baby is here, you may find you are getting pushed out more and more.

Your DD is only 1? Your ex moves on bloody quickly.

YANBU, get your visitation rights sorted now.

Honestly... there will be hundreds of people coming to tell you that she is bonkers but if she is expecting a baby from this guy, it is not as she is just dating, going for drinks and the cinema, she is already in a more advanced stage of her relationship, she is forming a new family, there’s a new baby coming, it may not be ideal being so soon but sometimes these things happen and things end up well. In such case, as much as it hurts you need to focus on the important stuff, the guy may be nice and caring to your DD, otherwise she wouldn’t be contemplating such a gift, and that is much better than having a man around your daughter that only tolerated her because he is interested on her mum.

There is a lot of judgement that befalls on single mother but just keep in mind that if she was good enough and trusty to make her your wife, you can trust her to put your DD’s best interests at heart. She will not get it right all the time but neither will you, this transition time is the most hurtful but it will pass.

Jesus, she's a fast mover.
I'd make sure your visitation is secure. Not surprised you are feeling a bit crap.

If your dd is only one then it's just your ex buying her boyfriend presents, that's all.

It sounds like they are planning on moving in together so it's just pictures that will be put up in the wall of their home, at least one of the pictures will have been a scan picture.

I agree with the others about getting set visitation, but I would really try and switch off from what your ex does that doesn't involve you (such as her buying gifts for her boyfriend) because as the pregnancy progresses and they move in together etc its only going to get more difficult for you if you don't

Maybe look to more access custody

TanMateix as a single parent I can tell you its quite easy to not try and shove out a cold real father and put another man in that role.

It's really easy to do it.

Unfortunately, not all parents can be trusted to do what's emotionally best for their children.

OP has the right to be upset, especially since she is trying to push him out.

just keep in mind that if she was good enough and trusty to make her your wife, you can trust her to put your DD’s best interests at heart.

That’s a rather naive statement imo. The one doesn’t necessarily follow the other. I don’t think OP can trust her at all.

For all people criticising, she shouldn’t be that bad if she made the effort to make a fuss for the OP and went out and choose a present he would like from his DD. At that age kids really don’t drive themselves to the shops and pay stuff wit their own money.

That’s the problem of getting divorced, it is very likely both parties will find new partners and start new families. The trick is to get them to work well so the kids are ok. The OP is not being pushed out, he (or she) was already out from the moment they split.

Just remember one thing OP, your DD will be surrounded by a lot of people in her life, she will get attached to a lot of different people as well, the fact she feels happy in the company of others doesn’t make you less of a dad, as long as she continues to be happy when she spends time with you, you will always be her dad.

YANBU to feel hurt

Do you know if the framed photo for him was of DD maybe holding their scan or something?

I know it’s hard but this baby will be your DD’s sibling (and very close in age!) she needs to be involved & included (even at 1)

Do you have suitable accommodation for DD to stay overnight? If she’s co-sleeping and/or breastfeeding feeding then it might be too soon, but when they have the new baby you might find your Ex will be glad to let you have DD overnight.

However, try to see the big picture. You’ll always be her Dad, but it is best for YOUR DD if this man treats her as his own, the same as the new baby.

You NEED to get formal access/visitation (both awful words for seeing your own child!) sorted out. Be prepared to spend money on legal fees.

Your daughter has unlimited love - it’s better for her if there’s room for you both in her life without any animosity. If you always turn up and do what you’ve said you’ll do, go to nativity plays and sports day etc - be present in her life and not just Disney Dad on the weekend she’ll grow up with you BEING her Dad.

If this bloke sticks around you might even get to know him & like him as a person and that helps. He has enough of his own kids, he won’t be trying to ‘steal’ your DD.

YANBU TO FEEL hurt, but don’t assume the worst either.

Op you can't control what your ex does I'm afraid.

Last Mother's Day I collected DD from her dad at his GF's house ( it was his weekend with DD ) for a few hours.

Before we left XH gave DD a gift bag and said 'don't forget to go upstairs and give GF her Mother's Day present'

He said this in front of me and I'm her mum. He and his GF have been together a year and don't live together!

Exes do shitty things all the time I'm afraid

she shouldn’t be that bad if she made the effort to make a fuss for the OP and went out and choose a present he would like from his DD. At that age kids really don’t drive themselves to the shops and pay stuff wit their own money.

She didn't make a fuss. She got the same as she was getting her own Dp. Just got extra. And then made plans and would only allow him to see his daughter for a couple of hours. By the sounds of it, she made more of a fuss of her dp.

You can dance round it all you like. This man is not her daughter daddy. Not even a step dad.

This is meant genuinely - is there a reason you aren't having your DD 50% of the time? E.g Is your ex still feeding her, or are you working towards it but just taking it very slowly because she's really only a baby still?

If the reason is not because its in your DD's interests, then you might want to start leaning towards it, and yes, you need to formalise your arrangements properly.

Your DD is a baby still, your ex is already into another relationship and having another child which I suspect means they're already a household unit. You're seeing your child twice a week only - for how long?

Its going to be very easy for your ex to form a new 'family' of herself, the baby, your DD and the new chap, because that's where your DD lives and is spending the majority of her time. You're coming in from outside that. Twice a week, for what sounds like only a couple of hours, isn't going to be enough.

On the other hand, for precisely the same reasons, you want the new chap to care for your DD. He's a big part of her life now, and its in her interests if he loves her, as hard as that will be for you.

Shequakes, I dance around as I like and as much as I fancy, I have been a happy single mum for a very long time, and I manage it by not expecting always the worst of people, even if they turn to be worse than I expect at times