Was it unreasonable? It still hurts me though

[WRB23]

Hi Everyone,

Tough day today, first Father’s Day after separating from my ex partner. Feel very distant from my beautiful daughter and seeing all these lovely social media posts is really hard.

Anyway, I was lucky enough to pop and spend a couple of hours with my DD this morning and got some lovely presents. (Leaving her was so tough). However something came up which has really hit me and made me quite upset. I was given a lovely photo frame with a picture of my daughter in which I adore however I noticed that there were 4 other photo frames on my ex’s table in a gift bag so I made a joke about her being set up for the next few fathers days as she had to buy a pack of frames.

Turns out she has bought frames and photos of my daughter to give to her new partner for Father’s Day!! She has been with her new partner for a few months, they don’t live together (yet) and he hardly has anything to do with my daughter! It’s broken my heart a little bit and has made me quite upset. I feel as though my ex is really trying to push me out of the picture and if I’m honest I think it’s slighty odd. I’m sure if I had a new partner and I bought mother’s day things for her from my daughter I’d be told where to go!

Am I being crazy about this or do I have some right to feel the way I do.

Do you want 50:50 time with your dd? It doesn’t have to be like this.

TanMateix expecting the best out of people is great. Until it goes very wrong. Especially when you have kids.

Wise words IncrediblySad.

Being there whatever the weather makes you her dad. She will grow to see that. Let's really hope you don't need that legal advice and things remain amicable. Its early days.

for you OP, and all the dads who are doing their best whatever the circumstances. Even if you don't feel like it just now - you do matter - more than you know. Being a rock for your child is one of the best things you can ever do.

This is your relationship with your dd, take control of it. Don’t let others take control.

She is slowly pushing you out now.
What contact do you want and what does she want? And work with a mediator to get it in writing.

I totally feel for you OP. That must be heartbreaking.
But one thing I'm learning is that breakups are heartbreaking and breakups involving children all the more so.
Your ex has moved on unbelievably quickly, and being pregnant with someone so soon is worrying.
But unfortunately, you have pretty much zero say in what she does. I mean you can talk to her about it, but if she doesn't agree with you, there's not much you can do.

Is there a reason why you have such limited visitation? Many people I know have 50:50 custody. Would you consider going for that?

PS Good advice above about both of you doing mediation

I’m sorry it has been like that for you. My life has never been , for many different reasons, but I have learned that the only way I keep bouncing back to stand on my feet is by trusting people are not that bad, you cannot rebuild your life if you end up being bitter and suspicious of everyone.

I can assure I am not naive, far from it, never been a doormat either. I just know that the vast majority of people are good, not perfect and fighting their own battles, and therefore, they get things wrong from time to time.

Are you sure the photo in the frame is of your DD and not, for example, a scan photo? Could your ex be winding you up?

I can totally understand how hurt you feel. I think it is nice to include step parents where there is a long term relationship and the children live with them some of the time, but your situation is not that.

If you are concerned that you are being squashed out of your daughter's life, get a Child Arrangements Order. You do not have to have a solicitor. The application itself is about £215. You can put forward your suggestions for contact moving forward and then your ex can respond with her suggestions. Hopefully you will be able to come to an agreement and then the judge signs it off as an order. This could include such things as father's day spent with you, mother's day with her etc.

My life has never been , meant to say.

If the partner is going to be a big part of her life I don’t see an issue.

My DD gets her step-mother “Mother’s Day” presents. It doesn’t mean my role as mother is diminished, it’s just another adult she loves who cares for her. I think that’s great!

That's a very weird thing to do and not very nice of her

I really feel for you OP and I don't think yabu to feel hurt, I would be too if this were my dc.

It could just be that your ex is perhaps trying to facilitate a good relationship between your dd and her new partner, which isn't a bad thing and it doesn't mean that it is one that will replace yours by any means.

I would try and get something formal in place in terms of access though. I think it is unfair that you don't have priority in terms of spending time with dd on Father's Day. If you have to beg to see her on Father's Day, what will it be like at Christmas, Birthday's etc? You are entitled to 50% of those things.

It sounds as though exdp isn't going to help ensure that you and your dd have a good relationship going forward, and I firmly believe that in cases where parents are separated, you need the support of the resident parent in ensuring this along with your own commitment obviously. I feel it is very easy for the non resident parent to subtly sabotage things if they are that way inclined.

As for getting a contact order... do people realise they are not even issued in the way they were in the past? The courts are now expecting parents to arrange contact by themselves, just because they realised that the emotional and financial cost of getting such order is more damaging to the kids in the long term than letting the parents get to their own agreements, with or without the help of professional mediation.

With the child being only one year old and the relationship coming to an end at least 6-8 months ago, the OP would be realistically expecting pretty much the same contact level he already has, a few hours twice a week. It can however increase significantly as the girl grows older if contact continues to be good and of benefit to the girl.

I’ve missed lots of posts it seems so
I’m going to try answer as many of the questions as I can😊.

I was seeing my daughter three times a week. For some time in the evenings in the week and then all day on Saturday. I think due to my ex’s pregnancy she has now said it’s twice a week. I FaceTime her every morning and night and constantly speak to her on the phone so I’m not just a weekend daddy or the dad who starts contact when it’s his ‘day’.

My ex is very controlling. I am restricted by her on what I am allowed to do with my own daughter on a Saturday. I’m told I’m not allowed to take her out too far etc etc. That currently means that to keep the peace I spend my day with my daughter at my ex’s flat. My ex is very clever at controlling a situation or twisting it to her benefit. She claims I am unable to ‘cope’ with my daughter, that I don’t know what I’m doing. She uses our daughter as a pawn in her game by stating that my daughter doesn’t want to come to me, cries when I hold her or doesn’t settle with me. There has been no evidence or incident which would back up her claims.

I can assure you this is all 100% lies. My ex goes out on a Saturday and I have all day with my daughter, I care for her, I cook, I clean, we play and she falls asleep in my arms. Yet my ex can tell
Me that I am useless and don’t know what I’m doing but when she goes out and returns at midnight (like she did last night) I am perfectly capable. My ex complains that I am at her house yet won’t allow me to pick my daughter up in the morning, spend the day with her and then return her at an arranged time.

There were 4 extra photo frames all together... at least two had photo’s of our daughter in. I didn’t check the others.

My ex has a very strange view on fathers. Something she said to me yesterday really made me think. My ex’s dad did a disappearing act when she was very young, he started a new family with a new woman and had kids, he made contact with my ex when she was older but they never really formed a bond, he put zero effort in and probably to this day doesn’t know that he has a granddaughter. My ex tried to tell me yesterday that my daughter has no bond with me and she used her dad and that situation as an example. The two situations could not be more different yet I think it explains a lot on her attitude.

It does seem a bit much, especially for him to get the same present as you, but she is expecting a baby with this man so he is presumably going to be around for some time (even if things dont work out and its only while visiting his child).

Remember the gift isn't actually from your DD, shes 1, realistically she doesn't know or care what mum is giving to her boyfriend.

You need to formalise your time with your daughter.

It's really that simple.

@WRB23 you really should take this to family courts and get visitation or shared custody written down. She has no reason to do these things and it’s not In your daughters best interest to let this carry on. You are her father and your daughter is one, she needs you to advocate for her. You need take a step forward now to ensure you have a healthy and firm relationship. Your ex is pushing you away, and if you don’t do anything then you are letting her do it.

Be firm. Tell her what you want and that if it can’t be agreed you will seek legal support. Unless there is any serious reason 50/50 is the general rule of thumb these days in court.

What your ex then does in her 50% is up to her, providing your daughter gets what she needs which there is no reason to doubt.

yes you need to get a clear agreed legal order set out for contact

There were 4 extra photo frames all together... at least two had photo’s of our daughter in. I didn’t check the others

You really shouldn't have checked any of them, they weren't yours.

You do need to seek legal advice with regards to seeing your daughter. It's unsustainable for you to keep visiting her home to see your dd since there will be a new baby in the mix soon.

Pessimistic- I didn’t check them. I was told about them after noticing a gift bag exactly the same as mine left on the table, in full view with 4 picture frames identical to mine

Get your visitation sorted and be as involved as you can with your Dd. Just white noise the new man and leave her to it.

Why did you split?

There’s no nice way to say this, but you need to ‘Msn up’

Your Ex has NO right to tell you where YOU can take YOUR DD.

She has NO right to tell you how much contact you can have.

You NEED to take control and get your time with DD formalised

Stop letting her control you.

This is all quite hard to say because more commonly it’s the Mum on here saying her Ex wants to take the baby miles away for days on end, but doesn’t look after the baby properly etc. That when they were together he spent no time with the baby and just wants to control her and stop her moving on And I feel like I’m making HER life harder

Plus we have had many threads from trolls/ goady fuckers on the wind up

But I do personally know men who are genuinely in your position and are lovely men & great Dad’s. So i hope you’re genuine and I hope you’re listening to the advice if you are.

No one can ever take your place as long as you stand firmly in it

So should women 'woman up' when faced with a controlling partner who is trying to take her kids off her? Maybe.

Kids are easily manipulated, op you need to take this seriously and take legal steps.

SpringyDaff 🙄 she is his EX partner and she’s over stepping in some respects, but she’s not ‘controlling’ of HIM, she needs to be told it’s not up to her where he takes their DD when it’s his time with her. However, she’s facilitating a lot of video & phone calls and she bought him a present from their DD for Fathers Day -hardly someone who’s abusive & controlling 🙄

Lamely saying ‘but she won’t let met me’ is a cop out of dealing with this properly. And he needs to.

Except she can stop contact when she so pleases. She's made it very clear to op it's her way or the highway.

Which is why op needs to get contact stapled down in law so she can't withdraw contact when she's easily displeased.