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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy FIL Fathers Day gifts from the kids?

42 replies

HopefullyAnonymous · 16/06/2019 12:12

This is a recurring argument every year. DH buys his father a gift from him, I buy my father a gift from me and the DCs choose something for DH.

A few years ago BIL took up with a woman who already had a DD and since then they have also bought FIL a gift for “grandad” on Father’s Day (same for MIL on mother’s day). ILs are very welcoming and do treat this girl the same as our DCs which is nice.

Anyway every year since it’s being brought up how awful it is that we don’t buy FIL a gift from our kids. I usually just do my best bewildered face and say “but he’s not their dad...?” This year MIL has text outlining her upset and that we are thoughtless etc if “even Molly knows to get him a gift”.

AIBU to think Father’s Day is for fathers? We have a good relationship with FIL and MIL and make sure they know they are appreciated throughout the year. I don’t want to cause issues every year but I don’t see why I should buy gifts I don’t want to but either Hmm

*Molly is not the child’s real name.

OP posts:
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 16/06/2019 12:14

Who did mil text? If it was you, forward the message to dh.

Then block her number.
Like hell did my mil ever have my number!

Banhaha · 16/06/2019 12:15

I agree with you, but could your DH sign the card from him and your children next year just to keep the peace? It seems to mean more to some people than others.

Banhaha · 16/06/2019 12:16

I'd say it was out of your order to text you about it like that though and no one should expect gifts!

IceCreamSoda99 · 16/06/2019 12:16

I know some people feel strongly about it just being for dads and not granddads, but if it upsetting a dear FIL so much would it really hurt not to just get a poundland card and a box of milk tray?

lentilslentilseverywhere · 16/06/2019 12:16

Your in laws are mad. Father's day is for fathers, not grandfathers.

TheBrockmans · 16/06/2019 12:16

Just reply with 'sorry I think you meant this for dh.' Let him deal with it and he can organise the dc to sort something out for FIL if they want to, or add their names to the card. Or say you are waiting for 6th Oct, grandparents day!

finnmcool · 16/06/2019 12:17

Tell them how hurt you are that they don't buy you mother's day gifts.
Hopefully that will shut them up, grabby twats.

lentilslentilseverywhere · 16/06/2019 12:17

It's the sense of entitlement that is the problem here - who in their right minds would ask for a gift?! That's not how presents work...
When your dh was young did he get gifts for his grandfather on father's Day?

Original poster
HopefullyAnonymous · 16/06/2019 12:18

We could try that, although *Molly gives her own gift in a special grandad gift bag with her own card so I’m not sure this would satisfy them. It’s all for the benefit of social media if you ask me but then I’m a bit of a grump when it comes to all that!!

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 16/06/2019 12:19

DS has got my Dad a card this year. Last year’s we gave him a gift, but it was a pen pot that DS made at toddler group and was given because I knew Dad would appreciate it.

DH gets a ‘big’ present from DS. I get one for my Dad.

In your situation I think I’d send a Grandad card to keep the peace. It’s not worth falling out over if your relationship is otherwise good.

Original poster
HopefullyAnonymous · 16/06/2019 12:19

Should have been clear, it was DH she text. Her and I are amicable but not at all close.

OP posts:
clucky3 · 16/06/2019 12:20

That's odd. Surely DH could just give the gift from him and the kids? Your in-laws sound strange.

clucky3 · 16/06/2019 12:21

It's the sense of entitlement that is the problem here - who in their right minds would ask for a gift?! That's not how presents work...

I agree with this

AhNowTed · 16/06/2019 12:22

When will this shit ever end.

More tat, more trees, more plastic, more crap that no one wants or needs.

Stick to your guns OP. Bloody ridiculous.

RomanyQueen · 16/06/2019 12:24

Ignore and get them a gp day card and present in october.

Clutterbugsmum · 16/06/2019 12:27

leave it for DH to sort out, his parents his problem.

If she was to bring it up to me I'd reply 'that my parents brought me up not to be so rude and demand presents for birthdays let alone made up ' gift giving days' and as you and FIL are not our children's parent there is no reason to give cards and gifts."

And then pass all gift buying duties for DH family to him.

pigsDOfly · 16/06/2019 12:33

Well, it's keep the card manufactures happy if everyone sends a card to their grandfather a card on fathers' day.

Otherwise can't really see the point, as it's fathers' day not grandfathers' day; it's all commercially driven nonsense whichever way you look at it.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 16/06/2019 12:35

I think BiLs new Mrs is a bit of a suck up and they've fallen for it, tbh. I've always given a card to my DF and only DF. I would expect any DC of mine to only give a card to their DF, unless he was absent from their lives and my DF/FiL/Someone close was effectively "like a father" to them and the DC wanted to. Your DH is around and is being duly feted.

DPs parents buy each other a card on the respective "parent" day, too, which I find sweet but a bit odd. And his DM buys her DFil a card, although DP doesn't buy him one. I would be offended at the notion of getting one for someone who wasn't my DF, who is very precious and irreplaceable to me. It all gets needlessly complicated, too, tbh! Also unless your FiL is the only remaining grandfather, it's only fair to then buy the other DGF a little something and then it all becomes very ridiculous and competitive and pricey- and usually at your expense.

If you must get this grabby man something, buy him Poundland chocs he doesn't like and get the DC to make cards - "Dear DGF, we made this card because mummy told us to, so you will like her as much as Molly's mummy" inside ought to make the point. Repeat on mother's day. If they complain, remind them it's the thought that counts, right?

ChicCroissant · 16/06/2019 12:37

My DD sends her grandad a card (no gift, but if we lived close enough to visit we probably would), it's a nice thing to do. Don't know if any of his other grandchildren send cards or not, they are all teens/early twenties now though! He has never asked for it, I do think it's a bit cheeky to ask really.

SilverySurfer · 16/06/2019 13:00

Molly sounds like a pain in the arse. Stick to your guns - rinse and repeat: it's Father's Day, not Grandfather's Day.

Jacksmadre · 16/06/2019 13:05

YANBU OP, it’s Father’s Day, not grandfathers day.

HomeMadeMadness · 16/06/2019 13:09

Like hell did my mil ever have my number!

Unless you have a terrible relationship that's a bit odd, although I agree it's DH's responsibility not yours to do father's day for his dad - if his dad wants the kids to sign the card too I see no harm but they're being OTT making it a big deal.

lanbro · 16/06/2019 13:13

My girls made my dad cards, and gave him a chocolate orange...it's just a nice little thing to do to show their love, no right or wrong here but if you have a good relationship with FIL I would just indulge him

Myheartbelongsto · 16/06/2019 13:14

Molly sounds like a pain in the arse. Wtf, she's only a kid!

SandyY2K · 16/06/2019 13:14

He needs to tell his parents he's not doing it and to stop bringing it up every year.

When the DC are old enough, they can decide to buy him something. It's just commercial nonsense making grandfather's day cards and gifts.