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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex forcing me to change schools

39 replies

Daisyrock04 · 16/06/2019 09:31

I split with my aggressive ex nearly 4 years ago and we’ve since shared custody of my son. He’s now due to start school and been registered, had his school visits, been allocated his buddy for starting and has friends from nursery in his class. The school is within area I live and same school his big brother attends.
My ex got jealous over the weekend as I was away for work conference as he suspected I was away with a guy!! (Aye right he’s put me off for life).
He’s now sending constant messages that our son will not be going to that school, calling it a shithole and saying it’s all to suit me. He says we have to pick a school half way between our homes so as he can stick to his days (Wednesday-Saturday). He has said for over a year he was going to get a flat closer so he can stick to the deans when wee one starts school. He has lived with his parents since our split though and I think he’s incapable of living independently so it’s more about him needing his parents to support him.
I also worry if he’s adamant about sticking to these days my wee one will have to travel during rush out on a busy motorway taking about and hour both ways.
Sorry for rant, this is my first time posting on anything like this and I just don’t know how to resolve this, he’s very aggressive and I don’t want to aggravate his temper but I don’t want to give in to this one like o have with all his other demands, I have 3 boys and life in mornings is tough enough trying to get them all out the door and get myself to work without them having to travel half way across the city to take wee man to school.

OP posts:
Gin96 · 16/06/2019 09:38

What a horrible man, it screams so jealous of you, you are obviously much more capable than he is, he is so worried you will find someone better and his son will see all his flaws. I have no advise on how to deal with this as I have never been in this situation. The only way is to keep it focused on your son and this is the best school, situation for your son Flowers

GummyGoddess · 16/06/2019 09:43

How is he forcing you? Just push on with it. No judge will order an hour commute to school plus your other DC in childcare while you do it to suit ex.

Would you even get in this late? Tell him there's no space.

Singleandproud · 16/06/2019 09:45

You’ve posted this twice

Apolloanddaphne · 16/06/2019 09:46

Just ignore him. The onus is on him to research other schools if he wants to. I am guessing he won't bother even trying to do this. He is just being a nasty bully.

SandyY2K · 16/06/2019 09:48

Don't change the school. It's all been agreed and it's in your son's interest to go there.

Why has it suddenly become a shithole? Where is his evidence?

Ignore him.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/06/2019 09:51

Do nothing. Don't respond at all. Is he really going to get a court order to stop you?

Just wait him out.

PepsiLola · 16/06/2019 10:00

Let him "take you to court" (he won't!)

They will never allow what he's suggesting and frankly he's being a dick

TheWernethWife · 16/06/2019 10:03

Tell him to fuck off right now.

Quartz2208 · 16/06/2019 10:03

greyrock and ignore - no court would force you to move the school

BlueSkiesLies · 16/06/2019 10:09

Aye, just ignore him.

Dippypippy1980 · 16/06/2019 10:10

Are his parents not a voice of reason? He sounds unhinged.

I assume your older boys aren’t his? But surely he can see the benefit you his son being in the same school as his big brothers? Or is he trying to separate his son from them, and disrupt the family unit?

Original poster
Daisyrock04 · 16/06/2019 10:11

Just by being aggressive and ranting. Yeah I thought that would be the case, it has to be what’s in child’s best interests. I told him it’s too late anyway and I’m not willing. He’s jealous that since iv left Iv bought a big 4 bedroom house, been promoted at work and that wee one prefers being with me and his 2 big brothers than with him and his parents! He’s pathetic but he does scare me and I worry he just won’t bring wee one home sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisyrock04 · 16/06/2019 10:13

It’s not suddenly, he does this ever few months...wants to start about something or other. I feel like I walk on egg shells trying to keep things civil for wee ones sake but he’s incapable and there’s no reasoning with him. When he wants something it’s his way or no way!

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 16/06/2019 10:15

Ignore him. Your DS has already got his registered place at that school, everything is in place.

The only action I'd take would be to speak to school and local authority and let them know that the situation with your Ex is difficult and that he could potentially try to disrupt or prevent your DS going there; that way if your Ex contacts them to say "we've changed our minds, we don't want the place" they'll know what they're dealing with.

It could also help if you speak privately to DS' teacher and let them know the dynamic between the two of you; when your DS goes to school his teacher knowing a little more about his background will really help them to support him.

Dippypippy1980 · 16/06/2019 10:15

Of course your son prefers you, you are awesome and his dad is a dick😊

It is sad because his son will see his bitterness and jealousy and avoid him even more. He should be close to his brothers, siblings are hugely important and having two big brothers when your dad is an arse is an amazing gift!!!

MRex · 16/06/2019 10:17

Don't change the school. Tell him it isn't practical to pick another school as his siblings go there and your ex hasn't even got a flat yet to work out a midpoint. Suggest you're happy to change contact to EOW during term-time if he's unable to do school drop-off and pick-up.

Original poster
Daisyrock04 · 16/06/2019 10:17

His dad is same as him!! Aggressive bully and his mum is wee timid mouse scared to speak her mind.
No my older boys aren’t his and that’s reason I left...he punched my oldest boy in the face. He was 16 at the time, he’s autistic and the most gentle and quietest boy ever. He was only sticking up for me when ex was being violent towards me. I left with the 3 of them the same night. Was awful what I put up with from him.
There’s no reasoning with him, it’s all to please himself and his parents. He’s an only child so is spoiled and incapable of standing on his own 2 feet.

There’s no court order for his days either...he just told me that he was talking him those days and I couldn’t do anything about it.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 16/06/2019 10:19

I'd be going to court to sort out this new etc. Poor love will be shattered In school and last thing he needs is a long commute there and back,

GummyGoddess · 16/06/2019 10:20

He will have to take your DC to school so I wouldn't worry too much about not bringing him back. If the commute is too much for him then he has to fix it since he is the one who moved away.

Probably best to change the contact anyway, 50/50 is usually exhausting for a child in their first year of school.

BarbarianMum · 16/06/2019 10:24

What an awful man. But in this situation there is nothing he can do, your ds has a place at the school you've chosen and not one anywhere else. Hed also be highly unlikely to get a place at a school half way as offers would be based on the distance bw school and your address.

So ignore him.

SandyY2K · 16/06/2019 10:25

My God. He punched your DS in the face!

You did right to leave immediately. Did you call the police?

What a nasty man. This is what staying with a bully does to a child. He grew up thinking this was normal as his dad is an aggressive bully.

His mum tolerated it, so you should too.

Perhaps if he didn't attack your DS, you may still have been with him...but that motherly protectiveness drew the line there.

billy1966 · 16/06/2019 10:27

Ignore the school thing, it's not going to happen.
Contact Women's Aid for advice re his continued harrassment of you.
Reduce the amount of time he spends with his son. Follow your son's lead.
Record him abusing you, keep abusive texts. Register your number with the police that you are genuinely afraid of him.

Good luck.

7yo7yo · 16/06/2019 10:29

Nothing especially useful to say except we’ll done for leaving Flowers.

Original poster
Daisyrock04 · 16/06/2019 10:29

Yes, it’s awful. My oldest son wouldn’t hurt a fly, he was just sticking up for his mum!!
Yeah he was violent and aggressive to me for months and I felt trapped but hitting my child was final straw.
I was too scared to call the police and make things worse. At the time I was broken by him. Looking back now I wish I’d been stronger.

That’s a very good point about his parents...you’ve got it in one👍🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisyrock04 · 16/06/2019 10:31

Thank u, I’m definitely going to take that advice. I’ve had enough of him.
How do I reduce that time though? If he collects him from nursery/school on a Wednesday, he’ll refuse to bring him back until the Saturday?

OP posts: