another fathers day one - sorry!

[milafawny]

Ive been with my partner 4 years, i have 3 children that arent his and dont see him as a step dad figure at all, we've lived together less than a year but hes been around for 4 years.

He has 2 children from a previous relationship he doesnt see. He was in the forces when he had his children so his ex new he would be away for long periods of time. After they split, she decided him seeing the kid after 6 months away was having a negative impact on them, so stopped contact. He goes to visit family there all the time, she agrees to supervised, then changes her mind at the last minute. He cant afford a solicitor to force contact, so at he minute, he pays full child support, sends gifts, talks on the phone when they are with his family, but has no face to face contact. So whilst his family sent a card to him from the kids, he hasnt received anything from them.

On Mothers day, as my children arent his, i bought myself a present (off my youngest) gave it to him, along with money for card and paper, and gave him cash to give to my eldest so he could go shopping. One year i didnt sort mothers day as a single parent and all my kids were devastated they had nothing to give, so i make sure for their sake i sort it now, usually stuff i need, or would have bought myself anyway, but it makes them happy to give it. But i sort it, not my partner, he just hands the items to my kids.

I havent done anything for him for fathers day. He isnt my kids dad, he has no part in their up bringing. I pay for everything they have, all their food, clothes, trips out. I pay a bigger portion of rent and bills. I earn more since he left the forces, he contributes very little to the household. Ive met his kids 4 times if that, i dont think its my place to buy from them when they arent here, as much as we would love that to happen, it doesnt.

Hes gone off to work in a huff, would you have gotten him a card?

Ummmm.... nope. Tbh, I suspect if he really wanted to see his own kids he’d be trying harder, too. Don’t let him make this about you.

Yanbu, they dont see him as a father figure so it would be wrong to push them to give him anything because then its about him rather than a relationship they share.
And his excuses about his kids are flimsy.

This has all the trappings of a complete deadbeat - someone who says "she wouldn't let me see my babies" - of course she didn't and now expects his current woman to do the running around for all the children he doesn't bother his arse to see.
Red flags everywhere OP

Jesus, your poor kids....is he going to be narky now for the day?? Are you and he going to be sulking at each other ?

He is probably suffering from not getting anything from his own kids so taking it out on him.
But l don't buy the...cant afford to pay a solicitor to get to see his children. Would you get a solicitor if you couldn't see your children. You would move hell and high water. Can he not represent himself in the court. He should be making far more effort and maybe not having any contact on fathers day will open his eyes to this.

He's a deadbeat. Hasn't got the money to fight to see his kids? Bullshit excuses. If that was me I'd be working four jobs and moving mountains.

@Wildorchidz No my kids are fine, hes out all day and im not sulkin at him, why would i, hes just huffed out the door like he expected something from his kids off me, not from my kids. Mine are teenagers/preteens, not little, he knows they dont view him as a step father.

He earns very little at the minute as he is just in any job since leaving the forces. He is looking for better employment to be able to get a solicitor. i cant afford to help him since i pay for everything else. I know she stops him, she said we could have them for a few days over christmas, then decided we couldnt 20 minutes before. Aside from going and forcebly removing them from the house, his hands are tied at the minute. I do feel sad for him, but theres nothing i can do in this situation bar point out eventually his kids will grow and realise she did stop him, and all he can do is try his best to gain contact so he can prove to the kids when they are old enough he tried. He does need to try more, i agree, but he needs better employment, not a NMW dead end job when he has skills and training to do better. I think he just liked the idea of no job responsibility after the forces.

YANBU. He didn't make much effort for mother's day if you took the initiative and paid for everything. He doesn't sound like he contributes much to your life or the household (not because you earn more but because it sounds like despite living with you all he has no relationship with the kids).

Yabu, I wouldn't have hot him anything from his kids either, especially since they are not yours. He is just projecting, don't give this any headspace. He will work through it on his own. X

It's not your place to buy something from them at all. That would be weird to write a dad on their behalf, right?!?! Think he needs to sort out contact with his own children and fight for it. It's obviously bothering him.

He needs to grow the fuck up.
If he wants a gift then he can do what millions of other single parents do and sort it himself.

Aside from going and forcebly removing them from the house, his hands are tied at the minute

Mediation?

I'm sorry, but that is bullshit. His hands are tied.

They aren't.

If it were me, nmw, I would be working all the hours god sends to afford a solicitor.

He isn't in the forces anymore so could approach the courts for regular access.

He sounds like a loser.

They are tied, she wont agree to mediation. She has dinner with his grandparents often (to scam money out of them) but every time he arranges to go too she cancels. Hes aware he has a limited relationship with them, partly down to his old job, partly down to not making more of an effort. He agreed that supervised with people they know well was a good idea for their benefit after she cancelled them staying with us, but she is cancelling that every time its arranged. He is trying to gain access, but just making more money inst always that simple, he pays 1/3 of his wage in child support, that doesnt leave a great deal to play with. He is trying though, its not like he just doesnt care and lets them crack on, he pays, sends gifts, clothing etc, talks to them as often as he can when they are with his family. For years she was ok, whilst he was forces, it was only his last deployment before leaving she decided it wasnt in their best interest. Scorned women can be nasty, they can stop contact and make it very difficult for absent fathers, especially with kids too young to ask questions. Part of me thinks its down to the drop in CMS due to his wage, now she has full custody she gets the maximum rate.

But, im glad you agree it wasnt my place to buy him a card etc off them, I feel sorry for him, of course i do, but i didnt feel like it was my place to do that esp given he wont be seeing them. If they were here and stayed with us regularly it would be a different story.

He doesn’t bother with the kids he’s fathered, he doesn’t bother with the kids he lives with and he doesn’t bother getting a job?

He sounds great!

He works full time, he does bother with my kids, he just doesnt parent them, they dont need another parent, we get along quite well like this. They are my kids and my financial responsibility though, not his, and it is my job to parent them. He pays for his kids, always has done. He buys extra, clothing, toys etc and sends it for them. Always has done. She has just stopped contact out of spite, to gain more money, who knows, but he isnt seeing them currently despite trying. Yes he could try more, and he is looking for a better job to do so.

It's hard to see anything attractive about this man at all! Is there anything?

He's had a hard time with his ex wife but I agree he needs to do more and hope he will soon.

Re Father's Day he sounds like an arse. Again. What did he want? For you to buy and card and present, write in the card and pretend it was from his kids? Who he never sees? Weird.

Why are you with him? I don’t think I could be with a man who didn’t see his children. He’s making excuses as well, why doesn’t he travel to see his children when they are staying with his family .

Anyway, YANBU. I bought my DP a card from both our DS and one from my three DC from previous marriage. He is their step-dad and supports them more than their actual dad ever has so 🤷🏻‍♀️. I wouldn’t bother if he was a jerk, like your DP...

It isn't your place to buy him a card and/or present from his children who he doesn't see. If anything, it is up to his ex to help facilitate a good relationship with their father. Clearly she isn't going to. It's lovely that his family sent a card from his DC.

I think it's a bit odd for your children to not do anything, even if they do not regard him as their stepfather. I would try and encourage the relationship between your DC and DP. I would have suggested they made him breakfast or bought a token gift even if they don't buy a card.

Hopefully as time goes by he will develop more of a role in your DC's lives - guiding them and advising them (along with you) on their journey to adulthood. Surely that is what you would want of a partner?

I assume you thought long and hard about living with your DP as you had DC to consider. You surely cannot live together without him having some input into the running of the family and home?

Regarding Mothers' Day - I think it's okay to give your DP money to take out the youngest DC to buy a present. Your own DC could have regular pocket money from which they can buy cards and presents. It's totally meaningless if the thought doesn't come from the DC.

I wonder if your relationship would benefit from some attention as, although you've said you feel sorry for him, your love for him doesn't come across. The way you say he has no part in your DC's upbringing and that you pay for everything is telling. It sounds like he is just a lodger.

He is getting huffy at the wrong person here. If anyone is responsible for getting him a father day gift it’s his ex. Funnily enough she’s not that bothered.

If he can’t afford a lawyer and can’t get a better paid job, could he not just go on benefits/low hours to qualify for legal aid? Sounds awful to say that but if he is desperate???

To be honest I don’t know how the system works but surely there is something he could do?

He’s not a father, why does he expect a father’s day card?

He ran away from his kids. When’s Athletics Day? Get him something for that.

They dont stay with family, they go for sunday lunch some weeks. When he was forces he went every time he was off work, the same amount he saw them whilst they were in a relationship. He was based here so i could see him whilst he was working or on call. She had no issues for the first 3.5 years of our relationship, this is only since he left the forces she has stopped the contact. Its not always as simple as just turning up, it was pre arranged for him to go fri school pick up - monday drop off and school holidays they came here when he first left the forces. It was all arranged and agreed, he was going to see them far more than he did when he was in, but she changed her mind claiming during his final 6 month deployment the kids didn know him (or me) well enough for him to have them unsupervised. He agreed to have the fri - mon at his grandparents house to save face and not argues, but holidays they would come here still, she agreed to this. She cancelled the first time he went to collect them so he has since tried to arrange just for a day, which she cancels when he is there. Hes tried. Hes gone up. She changes her mind. What can he do? If you were in that position, until you could afford legal help, what would you do? He has tried to be civil, tried to bend to her changing her mind and make alternative arrangements that suit her demands, but she changes her mind at the last minute. His job is an issue, he needs to stop settling for an "easy" life with his job and push him self again. I can understand wanting a break after a decade of forces, but its time he started his career again and contributed m ore to not only his kids, but our household. I agree with that. But underneath it all hes a good man, hes always had a job, always paid, he does try, he doesnt o out getting shitfaced with mates, he doesnt rack up debts, or anything like that. Hes a decent man compared to what i would judge to be a deadbeat. Its my and my kids choice he isnt their parent, he interacts and has fun with them, we go out an do things together. But parenting is my role not his.

@BitchyArriver benefits are off household income, we dont qualify for anything as my income would be used to calculate entitlement. As far as i know legal aid doesnt exist unless you are a victim of DV anyway. It would be down to us to fund a solicitor, which i cant do paying the lion share of household costs, I make enough for us to get by with the odd treat day out for the kids. I cant afford holiday or even a car at the minute, its tight, so funding a solicitor just isnt something i can afford. He needs a higher paying job to do that, and ive told him thats his responsibility to fund, not mine.

You're not in a relationship, you're shagging the lodger.

Who pays for what in your household is irrelevant as you must have agreed to the split of the finances. If you didn't then that's a different story.

I live with my boyfriend and four kids, three are mine and they will each give him a present and card today.

I would have encouraged your children to do something for him.

Even make breakfast for everyone. Your set up sounds a bit miserable to be honest.

He's a miserable excuse OP. Think maybe you need to see that. If you would be financially better off living apart why hasn't he got his own place? He would be entitled to more and you would be too. What does he say to that?

I imagine not much. Because he's 'comfy' where he is - being your cocklodger

If you search MN OP you'll see there is a certain type of male who targets single mothers and they always end up in the same living situation as you.

Next you'll be pregnant.