another fathers day one - sorry!

[milafawny]

Ive been with my partner 4 years, i have 3 children that arent his and dont see him as a step dad figure at all, we've lived together less than a year but hes been around for 4 years.

He has 2 children from a previous relationship he doesnt see. He was in the forces when he had his children so his ex new he would be away for long periods of time. After they split, she decided him seeing the kid after 6 months away was having a negative impact on them, so stopped contact. He goes to visit family there all the time, she agrees to supervised, then changes her mind at the last minute. He cant afford a solicitor to force contact, so at he minute, he pays full child support, sends gifts, talks on the phone when they are with his family, but has no face to face contact. So whilst his family sent a card to him from the kids, he hasnt received anything from them.

On Mothers day, as my children arent his, i bought myself a present (off my youngest) gave it to him, along with money for card and paper, and gave him cash to give to my eldest so he could go shopping. One year i didnt sort mothers day as a single parent and all my kids were devastated they had nothing to give, so i make sure for their sake i sort it now, usually stuff i need, or would have bought myself anyway, but it makes them happy to give it. But i sort it, not my partner, he just hands the items to my kids.

I havent done anything for him for fathers day. He isnt my kids dad, he has no part in their up bringing. I pay for everything they have, all their food, clothes, trips out. I pay a bigger portion of rent and bills. I earn more since he left the forces, he contributes very little to the household. Ive met his kids 4 times if that, i dont think its my place to buy from them when they arent here, as much as we would love that to happen, it doesnt.

Hes gone off to work in a huff, would you have gotten him a card?

Also when you give notice for the forces you're offered around 6 months of retraining OP, in a trade or a new career path.

All of my ex forces friends are now in emergency services, paramedic assistants or are carpenters, plumbers, electricians etc.

Why did he just walk away?

You don’t need a solicitor to get access.
It’s easier but in no way essential.
He can get completely free information on line and submit the forms himself - it would cost a few hundred over all yes, but even if he saved this up over 6 months he would still be doing something towards rebuilding the relationship.
If he wants to see his children and there are no safeguarding issues then access through a court without a solicitor can be done quite easily.

Well i wont be pregnant, its a physical impossibility. But ok. And he didnt "target me" ive known him my entire adult life, before he was forces and before he had kids.

The training offered varies depending on what rank you are, what training you received etc. He wasnt offered enough retrain fully so took driving lessons and partial training, the rest needs self funding, but again, we cant afford that at the minute.

Im also not shagging my lodger, we are very happy, he has supported me through a lot, and vice versa, he has made my career possible in many ways. When i left my marriage i was jobless, homeless, and struggling. He picked me up and got me back on my feet, he helped more than i can put into words. Know he isnt doing as well i have no problems being the breadwinner and helping him out. Relationships are give and take, now is my time to give. he is there for my kids, he chats to them, laughs with them, plays games with them, comes on days out and family trips, helped my eldest loads with his GCSE's and college choices, and his future goals. Got him a part time job where he works so he has some cash in his pocket. Hes home while im at work with them on occasion. Hes just not a step parent. Hes been here full time for 6 months, moved in whilst forces, but actually here with them living properly for 6 months. If he was playing step parent people would criticise us for that. Its a no win situation.

OP, I hope you ignore the nasty, spiteful and utterly vindictive comments on here. Comments from people who are demanding to know your partner's financial, education and training records.

As an aside, I know for a fact the OP is right in that not all ranks are offered six months retraining; I have directly worked with street homeless, ( many of whom are ex-forces), and statutory support provided is non-existant.

As for the I would have no problem working three jobs at NMW to pay for legal fees idiots; it seems to have escaped them that:

1. Very often there are not three coinciding NMW jobs available to work round the clock.
2. They wouldn't last a month in the same situation.

"Shagging the lodger" FFS how rude and nasty. Nothing in the OP's post suggests that at all; sounds like they are I. A long term and commited relationship.

And yet, not a word of criticism to the sainted ex-wife who is using her children as pawns in all of this.

I really hope some of the idiots on this thread do not go into counselling or any remotely public facing profession...

And as for "your end up pregnant," rude, nasty unecessary and completely out of line to think they know more about her contraceptive choices than the OP.

@Sootyandsweep2019 Thanks, i feel like should justify on his behalf as he is being dragged down when he isnt a deadbeat. Yeah, he aint perfect, and he knows it and is paying for that, but trying to better himself to rectify it. Not seeing his kids has never been his choice.

OP no need to justify yourself at all. Hope your family enjoy the rest of today.

As an aside it may be possible for your partner to contact SSAFFA, ( a forces charity - including support for ex-forces), and ask about any non-statutory/ chairty training schemes or careers advice they might be able to support him with).

How long was he in the military? We have lots of ex-forces where I work, not NMW, but not high-paying. Many of them have pretty good pensions and their job pays day-to-day expenses. Have you asked him how much pension he gets?

I disagree with ppl saying you should encourage your DC to get him a card and send him gifts.

You can't be pushing men onto your kids like that. He's not their dad. You don't make a teenager send a fathers day card to your BF.

He's not their stepdad, he's mums DP.

Him expecting you to get a card from his DC who you've seen 4 times is ridiculous. I wouldn't have involved him in mother's day either.

It costs about £200 to file for a CAO in court. Plus mediation costs. You don't need a solicitor if you self-represent.

How hard has he tried to make contact with his children?

Well no he's a shit "dad" why would you? Full of excuses to not parent his own kids that he seems to have convinced you of, and hasn't taken on the roll of step father either. What a catch.

And he has fooled you entirely. He sounds a complete dead beat, there is little reason to leave the forces and go into a shit job, there is a lot of help in looking for decent work getting out of the forces if you choose to utilise it. Stop using it as an excuse for his behaviour.

Tell him to go to Families Need Fathers website. Lots of advice for fathers in the same circumstances. And don't rule out legal aid - particularly if you live in Scotland. Can he access any ex serviceman charities to help with legal costs?

But quite apart from all of that he is being unreasonable expecting you to get him fathers day gifts.

he's got you well and truly sucked into his narrative of 'good guy being hard done by'.

He didn't bother sorting out proper access/contact for his kids when he was IN the relationship, he didn't do it when he was OUT of the relationship and he hasn't done it since.

He had a full time job and plenty of 'free' time to get the ball rolling but chose not to.
Frankly, he doesn't WANT to. Of course he'll go through the motions of pretending he cares and wants to see his kids because otherwise he'd look like a right shit in front of his family, friends and gf.

He 'rescued' you and now has you feeling so pathetically grateful to him that you can't even see his pisstaking.
How long ago did he leave the forces?
What happened to his money/savings from the forces?
He's got you paying for everything whilst he prances around doing exactly as he pleases.

He isn't generous and loving like he's twisted your head into believing - he can't even be arsed to spend a tenner and organise for your kids to get you something for Mothers Day - YOU end up 'having' to do it.

He had no responsibility for the practicalities of day to day living whilst in the forces - no housework/kids and no real financial responsibilities other than paying for his rent at base and maintenance for kids.
He still doesn't - he's got you paying for the majority of costs.

I've met a fair few guys who were in the forces and unfortunately this one sounds like the stereotypical douche who had a girl in every port and enough charm to manipulate them into believing his bullshit.

How long was he in the military? We have lots of ex-forces where I work, not NMW, but not high-paying. Many of them have pretty good pensions and their job pays day-to-day expenses. Have you asked him how much pension he gets?
If he only serves 10 years then the answer may well be "none". From memory, you need 22 years 6 months for a full pension, I'm not sure if there is a lower rate for shorter service, or if the qualifying time is more than 10 years.

You still get a pension, the longer you're in the better it is. At 10 years (assuming that wasn't an example?) he would of had a resettlement payment and a fair amount of credits to gain experience.

(But it wouldn't be paying out yet assuming he's still young!) resettlement is on time served, not rank.

While it is very useful to have a solicitor he doesn’t actually need one to make an application to Court.

He needs the C100 form that can be collected from your nearest Court or downloaded. It costs £215 to issue the application. He needs to have tried mediation before going to court. He can certainly represent himself. There really is no excuse for not pressing to see his children.

I feel very sorry for him. He's already feeling shit about his children. My new partner of 5 months has just spent almost £30,000 .... yes £30,000 to fight to see his kids. Its not cheap and its not easy when you have accusation after accusation slung at you. Thats money that could have been spent on his children. But nope wasted over stupid legal fees instead. Luckily cafcass and the court saw right through her and he won everything he wanted. She was actually told off hugely about it. He's not my adult lads step dad, but I bought him some chocolates and a mug from us to say Happy Fathers day and he was delighted. He'll see his children tomorrow but our little gift tidied him over.