Father's Day. I've failed my son already.

[ffsffsffsffs]

I had a child with an emotionally abusive man. Deep down I know he was awful even before I was pregnant and I should have left. What's done is done and I have the most beautiful, happy, content little boy.

He hasn't seen his dad for months now. This is all down to me, as I have an injunction against him (due to abuse) so he can't come near me, and he is a danger to his son. He's taking me to court.

I am feeling incredibly down today. Weirdly, I feel sorry for my ex. He's sat at home in Father's Day without his son. I desperately want to get rid of this sense of pity as I know he deserves none of it.

I feel like I have failed my son, and hate that he now too will have an abusive man in his life forever.

I advise anybody who knows they are in a similar situation not to have children with this type of man and leave. My son was not a mistake and I would never reverse the decision to have him, however I do wish he had a better Dad.

AIBU to be an utter mess today?

You have not failed your son. You have saved him from living with some who is abusive.

Can you do something nice with your ds today to try and distract yourself from the fact it's Father's Day ?

Of course your feeling AU but, BUT you have done the absolute best thing for your son. You removed him from an abusive and toxic environment - it might not feel like it now but it will. You read on MN every day about women in unhappy and abusive relationships who aren't brave enough to make that change. Yet you did. And your lives are all the better for it. You have nothing to feel shitty for, you're doing the very best you can with a shitty hand you've been dealt. ❤

*feelings

Yabu. You have protected your son and you. You have done the right thing. He has chosen to be the nasty one so has to deal with the consequences. If he was a good dad, he would move the moon and stRs to see his son,

Oh op, I get what you’re feeling 100%!

I don’t think we ever forgive ourselves for inflicting a shit dad on the person we love most in the whole wide world.

But we can come to terms with it. Our children have us. A mum/parent who will fight for them, protect them and just love them.

I know it’s not quite the same, but we have the chance to rise and do better

In my case we are now with someone who is absolutely amazing and we have a life that is out of this world.

So have faith, in yourself and your child- you’re all he has and the bond you’ll have is special.

But yes, your advice to others is spot on, if at all possible don’t have kids with men like our exes, 1 because it inflicts evil on the most loved being in your life, and 2 because you’ll never be 100% free of the ex.

Does your son want to make his father a card. If so let him and put it to one side should the court decide he gets contact you can pass it on. If not then don’t worry about it. Lots of children grow up healthy happy and well balanced with one parent.

@Yougotdis he's only 8 months old. He doesn't even know who his dad is at the moment as he hasn't seen him for 4 months.

Sorry for some reason I thought he was five. I made that up in my head. Fight for him to grow up free from the man. You’ve made the right decision

I just know the courts are going to give him unsupervised access and he will be able to start abusing my son like he abused me. It's awful.

You have done the opposite of fail your son. You would be failing him if you were letting him spend Fathers Day with an abusive arse!

'Deep down I know he was awful even before I was pregnant and I should have left.'

Why did you stay?

This isn’t failing at all.

In fact, as a parent doing their best to fill two parenting roles, I think you should be very proud of yourself, today and everyday.

It sounds like you’ve done the right thing for your son to me. You’ve said he’s a danger to your son. So that’s the end of it really. He’s his biological father. He’s not coming home from work and giving him a bath every night and taking him to feed the ducks on a Sunday morning.

You don’t know what he’s doing today. You’ve romanticised it in your head that he’s sitting at home on Father’s Day without his son.

You enjoy being with your baby today. You are the one doing all the work and putting him and all of his needs first.

@MarthasGinYard because I was being abused. I was scared of him and I had such low self-esteem that I didn't think I was worth any more than him. He made me feel like I couldn't live without him. It's called coercive control and it's extremely complex and often hard to see when it's right in front of your eyes.

I have a son who has never met his dad. He walked when I was pregnant. Not a horrible man, just didn’t want a child ( with me).
I have made sure conversations about his dad have been undramatic, factual and honest.
I have made sure my DS knows he didn’t leave because of him but because he didn’t want to be with me. I point out when he reminds me of his father ( positive stuff!) like his height, and his funny laugh etc

More importantly we had the conversation yesterday with one of his friends about Father’s Day card. I asked DS if he was ok with Fathers Day. He said yes of course as he’s never known anything different and that it was worse for people who had dads but don’t see them now.
So basically I wouldn’t worry. Don’t offload your issues with him on the situation. Your son sees you and his father through different eyes.

You left as soon as you were able to leave. Please don't beat yourself up over that. It's an incredibly difficult thing to do; abuse is complex and gets inside your head in ways that make it difficult to process what's happening and even more difficult to break free from it (hence the feelings you're struggling with now - they are because of his abuse and it's important you know that).

If you could have left any sooner you would have done. What counts is what you do now.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? It might help you manage these feelings more easily and cope with this situation. It explains how abuse works, the dynamics behind it, and how it will have affected you. It also teaches what healthy relationships look like and how to spot early warning signs in the future. And it covers the impact on children, which could also be helpful knowledge for you to have now and in the future.

It's not therapy, it's information, but they're supportive and won't judge you or tell you what to do. You don't have to talk about your life you can just listen. It's not the kind of thing where you stand up and tell your life story anyway.

The group course is free to attend and some have creche facilities. It's also confidential - they don't even keep attendance records.

Even if you have done it once you can always repeat it; it can be hard to absorb and retain it all the first time especially if it's a shock to realise what's been happening to you.

It's a life changer for lots of people. Although they'll never tell you what to do, if you ask them to signpost you to support for what you're facing now they'll help with that.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I had a child with an emotionally abusive man.

An emotionally abusive man chose to be irresponsible and have a child even though he knew that his abuse of the mother was also abuse of the child. His fault not yours.

I have the most beautiful, happy, content little boy.

Because he has a great mother the little boy is growing up to be happy and contented despite having a total arse for a father. He now has a real chance not to repeat the mistakes of his father thanks to his mother.

He hasn't seen his dad for months now. This is all down to me

Dedicated mother successfully protects her son from an abusive father.

as I have an injunction against him (due to abuse) so he can't come near me, and he is a danger to his son.

Despite suffering abuse, mother has the courage to step up and protect her son, going through an emotionally difficult experience to get an injunction against his irresponsible, abusive father.

He's taking me to court.

Good mother is prepared to carry on fighting for the benefit of her son. Abusive father still tries to control the mother who has the courage to stand up to him.

to get rid of this sense of pity as I know he deserves none of it.

Mother recognises that father has made his own bed and can lie in it.

I feel like I have failed my son, and hate that he now too will have an abusive man in his life forever.

Mother feels guilty because abusive ex has made her feel like that because he's so awful. Mother needs to remember that she is protecting her son from having an abusive man in his life and is teaching him great life lessons about personal strength, the way to behave and how to be a decent member of society despite the opposite influence from a waste of space father.

I advise anybody who knows they are in a similar situation not to have children with this type of man and leave.

I agree with that but remember that the responsibility for the abuse is solely with the father.

to have him, however I do wish he had a better Dad.

He's got a brilliant mother which will more than make up for his father's numerous shortcomings.

No, the question is not 'why did she stay?' it's 'why did he abuse her?'

Anybody who understands abuse knows why women struggle to leave.

So, if you genuinely don't understand it then there's a simple solution - educate yourself about the dynamics of abuse.

Alternatively, if you're just jumping on an opportunity to kick someone while they're down, it's only you that reflects poorly upon.

ffs you've explained your situation so eloquently. what would you say to a friend in your situation? it wasn't your fault, you got out when you could

Honestly, be kind to yourself. We women are trained, raised, and equipped by nature to be nurturers. We instinctively believe that if you care well and enough for someone you will be able to make things better, change them or rescue them and that goes from dealing with a naughty son/daughter to an abusive long term husband, you were caught in the middle of that scale and this is not a something you should torture yourself with.

I gave birth to the son of the most involved father I have ever seen. He used to take him out, cook for him, wake up early in the mornings to be with him. In the years he was around he always did the night routine, gave him a bath, read him a story and put him to bed. We had been married for several years when DS came along and we both had successful career before we met.

Neither DS or I have seen exH for years, if somebody would have told me he was going to turn into a selfish bastard, who was going to be nasty and abusive to his son to a point SS got involved, and that he was going to completely disappear from sight straight after that, forever, I would have never believed it.

Please stop seeing yourself as the stupid person who got involved with the wrong guy and start seeing yourself as the woman who had the guts to disintangle herself from an unhealthy relationship to protect herself and her son.

If he is happy and content is because you have enabled that, he is growing up without fear. I can assure that most women wouldn’t have the strength to walk away as you did. So well done you for standing up for your kid and yourself and carve a new life without fear.

@Catchytune

Aww, I’m so sorry about ur son. That’s awful

Op that's absolutely frightening to read.

You are doing good the best you can for your ds and protecting him.

I've nothing helpful to add: just a big virtual hug if you'd like it and a reassurance that you're an amazing mum who is doing the best you can for your DC. The fact that you feel such sympathy for your abuser is testimony to the kind of person you are, as opposed to the kind of person he is. You sound fabulous.

You haven't failed your DS. You are protecting him and yourself, as a good mother should

Get a good lawyer op (legal aid as there was dv) fight his contact. They should not order it if there is risk. It should at least be supervised. Good luck.

"I just know the courts are going to give him unsupervised access" very unlikely OP. Keep documenting anything and every little thing he does or says and this is never likely to happen. At some point he will find another victim and move on.