Bf pregnant

[Imnoonesangel]

So a few years ago my best friend had major depression. She had a lot of crap going on in her life but I think tbh it more triggered the depression rather than caused it (which when we discussed it at the time she would agree with). Her family are European so she is here alone and so I spent a significant amount of time nursing her and at one point I moved into her flat (left my dh at home) as she was suicidal and the doctors said she should not be alone. I don't mind any of this as she is a good friend and that's what friends are for.

This last year she has finally started to pull herself together and tbh I am so relieved. I was worried as she had just kept making continuous ' bad choices ' (dabbling with drugs, drinking far too much to the point it was affecting work etc.). She still does a few things that are dangerous but I have kept my mouth shut as I didn't want to be seen as judgemental (even if inwardly I will admit I am horrified at some of her decisions) and to an extent I felt she needed to get it out of her system so to speak!

I did distance myself then as when she was in her worst stage she was very dependant on me and as she started to get better I felt the need to take a step back for my own sanity. I'm not sure if this was the right thing, in terms of my mental health it definitely was as I didn't want to get involved in the things she was (things that would mean instant dismissal from my job) but I also think she had begun to rely on me too much.

She then got involved with a married man and when she asked my opinion I said I thought it was a terrible idea (two children involved) and asked her how she would feel if someone did that to her. Or if she found out my husband was having an affair. She said it wasn't her responsibility as she hadn't made the vows etc so I just stopped discussing it with her and if she brought it up I changed the subject.

About 3 months into this relationship she came to me and told me she was accidentally pregnant. I was gobsmacked. I asked her if she was happy and what she planned to do in terms of whether she wanted to keep it etc and when she said she did I essentially said if she was happy then I was too. I am almost 100% this was not an accident from what she has said but I have not voiced that as frankly what does it matter now. Friend said she was so relieved she has my support as she knows she will need help.

About two days later her mum also emailed me. Her mum has written about how happy she is that friend has me as she knows she will not be able to cope without it. That she is pleased I am there as her ' guardian angel ' and more along those lines. The email also basically implies that friend will need financial help (I did help her out briefly in the past but she paid that money back).
Friends mum seems to be thinking I can drop everything again as I did years ago and help. However my life has changed completely. I'm expecting my own child in a couple of months, and frankly I wouldn't feel fair to put my dh through all that again as he was in my eyes a saint last time.

Aibu to think I didn't sign up for this? I love my friend dearly but I can't be thinking about her baby when I need to focus on my own family.

Friend has also been making comments about hand me downs when she was looking around our nursery today. As awful as it sounds I felt like she was picking stuff out that she could have for her baby when I haven't even had the chance to use them myself yet and I also plan on putting them away for hopefully another baby later down the line.

Aibu? I know I've been a judgemental cow it's just so frustrating to watch your friend throw themselves at bad decisions. I can honestly say I have never said any of this to her (unless she has asked, for example when she told me about the drugs I said about her job and she said she knew it wasn't good). I will smile and be happy for her and this baby but I am worried she is expecting more from me than I can give.

I have honestly taken a huge step back in the last year, to the point where she often says she misses how close we once were and ive had to point out that life could not continue the way it was. We both needed space to live our lives (me especially as id neglected my own relationship). I am taking on board what everyone says. Maybe you are all right and she is not as nice as I think. I have seen a few examples where I have been a bit taken aback (the attitude towards being the other woman for one).

I will definitely be focusing on this baby and my little family :-) it's been a hard road to get here and I'll be enjoying being a mum without worrying about someone else being one.

I will also look into speaking to someone about the drugs etc. I have considered contacting her partners ex wife anonymously and just giving her the info (and could give her evidence as photos on fb have it in background) before but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Probably best to go down the gp route.

And absolutely distance yourself now.

Yeah but she misses you taking of her / everything.
Would she have left her new husband on his own to look after you, were the shoe on the other foot? I would suggest perhaps not.
It’s great to help people but not to your own detriment.

Her mum emailed you cause she thought she was finally free of her and drams.She has basically passed the baton to you.

You cant fix her.Im all for helping people but not at the expense for your ow n life.As usually the same people wouldnt help you out.

Email her mother and say you where glad to help but you cn no longer do it.And email her the same.

Your doing the right thing in stepping back from her. You have helped her a lot in the past but she never learns from her mistakes. She got pregnant by a married man she has known for a few months. She is also drinking and possibly taking drugs. I would be reporting this. I would also contact her mother and tell her I am pregnant at the moment also and once my baby is born I won't have the time to spend with X.
Her mother seems to think you have nothing better to do either but to be their for her daughter and to sort out her problems.

From what you said your baby is very much wanted and you have been through a lot to get to this stage. You need to spend time with your husband before the baby arrives and not dealing with her stressful issues. You sound like a decent and kind person but you need to out you and your family 1st from now on.

Step back OP. You've been put in the position of caretaker and must see that your friend will happily take from you with little concern for you being pregnant to. You're a little over invested in her life. Shes a grown woman with a partner but you're acting as a surrogate. She will take all that you offer and more that you dont. Start saying your tired because of the pregnancy or doing things with DH and phase her out. Also please seek counselling to look at your self esteem and boundaries. Ending up as caretaker for someone so mentally unwell is very draining and quite damaging and you will need support to get through the fear, obligation, guilt, and time of change. Do this for your family and your baby. I can assure you that you wont have time to indulge her when you have a newborn.

I was thinking about this and came back on to say what I can see other people have already said. I too would reply to the mum saying you're glad friend is better now and has a partner who can support her, because with your own pregnancy and other things going on in life you don't have much spare time any more. Cc your friend.

Then when your baby is here make sure you do things without telling her. Baby groups and little classes like baby massage were a life saver to me. Whatever you go to do not tell her. You don't want her tagging along with you as you make new friends and build your own network.

This is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to your own family. Further, she’s not getting the stuff you bought for your baby. She clearly expects it. This was a bad decision on her part. Report her to social services regarding the drug paraphernalia. She will take too much from you if you maintain this relationship - she is no longer a friend.

Sadly you're going to have to start being honest with her. It might be that where she comes from, close friends bece almost like siblings and that's how she sees you.

Her friendship does sound a bit suffocating and it's hard to be that close with someone who adopts a lifestyle you don't really with. It's better to make some points clear from the start so she knows where she stands. After all good friends should be able to voice their views.

In regards to her comments about hands me down, I would have right away jokingly said that she better not fonut on it because you already have in mind that you might have another child. If she mentions money, I would right away say that your situation means that you have to be careful and don't have the disposable income to lend.

Focus on your family. She must look to hers for support. Can you be honest with her mum about your concerns? As well as making it clear you have your own family and are unable to help.

I agree with pp this sounds planned. I wouldn't give hand me downs as with them so close in age she will be trying to get them before your baby has finished. if you have idea of having a dc2, then i would make clear you are saving for them.

OP, you're not being a judgmental cow! Your friend appears to be very trouble, and there's only so much you can do. You've already helped her loads, by the sound of it, and now you have your own baby on the way it's time to put some distance between the two of you. Your friend has a mother, if she needs financial support she can ask her own blood relatives first.

Hi OP, I have been in a very similar situation with my friend. She has family but they don’t really make the effort with her so she doesn’t make effort with them. She relied heavily on my for many years suffered with anxiety and depression and was in a bad relationship. She just stopped taking her pill and got pregnant without telling her partner and then he left her. She now has a 10 year old ds with autism. I’ve helped her so much but it was making me suffer.
MY dp was also getting fed up of it and the final straw was when I became pregnant myself and on my due date she called me saying she needed me to go round because she couldn’t cope with her son he’d been violent towards her in the middle of a meltdown , i was 9 months pregnant why on earth would I put myself in harms way. I realised that she was being very selfish, probably without realising but I took a massive step back from that day on and don’t regret it at all.

I don’t know how I’d do that and is it my place?

I agree with math. And yes, I’d contact the gp surgery for a start off. Tbh this is the best way you could be involved and attempt to 1) keep the child safe by getting her some support and 2) be able to back away for your health and baby.

Posted too soon. She has a partner (as he’s left his wife)and a mother. She should lean on them.

I wonder if it's worth buying a cheap pay as you go phone and giving her that number. So that she stops bothering you on a daily basis? I've recently got a new phone and havent given my new number to a certain person and it's been lovely! I only check the old one, once in the evening.

Agree with others, you've been a wonderful friend and gone above and beyond the call of duty, but she needs to take responsibility for herself and not rely on you so much now.
She has her partner and her mother, who equally need to respect you and your own situation. Not once your baby's arrived, NOW, because being pregnant is hard, not just for her but for you as well.
You matter OP. Look after yourself (and your family) from now on.

Your last responsibility to her, if anything, is making sure she and her mother realise this so they know not to expect anything more than a normal friendship from you.

You can't have her in your life anymore.
You should absolutely inform all the relevant people about the shit show that baby and the previous children are being forced to live in.

I'd send a text saying due to her awful choices you need to protect your child and can no longer have her in your life.