Bf pregnant

[Imnoonesangel]

So a few years ago my best friend had major depression. She had a lot of crap going on in her life but I think tbh it more triggered the depression rather than caused it (which when we discussed it at the time she would agree with). Her family are European so she is here alone and so I spent a significant amount of time nursing her and at one point I moved into her flat (left my dh at home) as she was suicidal and the doctors said she should not be alone. I don't mind any of this as she is a good friend and that's what friends are for.

This last year she has finally started to pull herself together and tbh I am so relieved. I was worried as she had just kept making continuous ' bad choices ' (dabbling with drugs, drinking far too much to the point it was affecting work etc.). She still does a few things that are dangerous but I have kept my mouth shut as I didn't want to be seen as judgemental (even if inwardly I will admit I am horrified at some of her decisions) and to an extent I felt she needed to get it out of her system so to speak!

I did distance myself then as when she was in her worst stage she was very dependant on me and as she started to get better I felt the need to take a step back for my own sanity. I'm not sure if this was the right thing, in terms of my mental health it definitely was as I didn't want to get involved in the things she was (things that would mean instant dismissal from my job) but I also think she had begun to rely on me too much.

She then got involved with a married man and when she asked my opinion I said I thought it was a terrible idea (two children involved) and asked her how she would feel if someone did that to her. Or if she found out my husband was having an affair. She said it wasn't her responsibility as she hadn't made the vows etc so I just stopped discussing it with her and if she brought it up I changed the subject.

About 3 months into this relationship she came to me and told me she was accidentally pregnant. I was gobsmacked. I asked her if she was happy and what she planned to do in terms of whether she wanted to keep it etc and when she said she did I essentially said if she was happy then I was too. I am almost 100% this was not an accident from what she has said but I have not voiced that as frankly what does it matter now. Friend said she was so relieved she has my support as she knows she will need help.

About two days later her mum also emailed me. Her mum has written about how happy she is that friend has me as she knows she will not be able to cope without it. That she is pleased I am there as her ' guardian angel ' and more along those lines. The email also basically implies that friend will need financial help (I did help her out briefly in the past but she paid that money back).
Friends mum seems to be thinking I can drop everything again as I did years ago and help. However my life has changed completely. I'm expecting my own child in a couple of months, and frankly I wouldn't feel fair to put my dh through all that again as he was in my eyes a saint last time.

Aibu to think I didn't sign up for this? I love my friend dearly but I can't be thinking about her baby when I need to focus on my own family.

Friend has also been making comments about hand me downs when she was looking around our nursery today. As awful as it sounds I felt like she was picking stuff out that she could have for her baby when I haven't even had the chance to use them myself yet and I also plan on putting them away for hopefully another baby later down the line.

Aibu? I know I've been a judgemental cow it's just so frustrating to watch your friend throw themselves at bad decisions. I can honestly say I have never said any of this to her (unless she has asked, for example when she told me about the drugs I said about her job and she said she knew it wasn't good). I will smile and be happy for her and this baby but I am worried she is expecting more from me than I can give.

I assume that she was not in a relationship when you went over and above to be there for her. Now she is in a relationship - I would just keep pointing her back to her new DP when she looks for support.

I think that it is very difficult to draw up new boundaries if you have been so relied upon, especially if someone is in vulnerable mental health. So don't feel bad if it turns out that you have to step out altogether. But set your own firm boundaries and stick to them.

@Hanab I know it sounds cringe but he was actually amazing. He even would check up on her when I couldn't. We were just married as well and I literally couldn't have asked him to do more.

Not to brag but he's been pretty fab during this pregnancy too and is currently out on a McFlurry run 😂

Boundaries are your friend.you can still be her friend and help out but only as much as you want to / are able. It's up to the dad to go to appointments with her.

@Jokie oh she definitely knows. I don't want to be outing but she works in a field with children (hence why I found some of her life choices so gobsmacking at one point). She asked me when she had her first midwife appt what would be asked and I mentioned alcohol and drug use etc. She said it's lucky she doesn't do all that anymore which tbh I know is a lie as I was with her when she was drinking a week before she told me she was pregnant (she knew at this point). I didn't say anything as it's not my business what she chooses to do during her pregnancy even if I don't agree with it myself.

I do think she's stopped drinking now and hasn't done drugs for months but I've no idea what her plan is for the friend that lives with them. I asked if she was still going to live there and she said yes for a few months at least. Maybe she plans on kicking her out before baby comes but I'm not sure.

That's another reason I'm so cross about all this, there is no thought to the practicalities or the poor baby.

Yes I have started redirecting her to her partner. I only hope to god he manages to actually pull his act together but either way it is not my place or my responsibility to take the father role!

all though you have been a excellent friend(some family members would do what you did and obviously hers didnt)i would sit her down and point out plainly and straightly that you husband and newborn comes first when he or she is here and you are having to spend all you energies on your newborn now,same with your finances

it sounds like she did get pregnant on purpose and she has now got to deal with the consequences of being with a married man,ie him not being there for her

make it clear while you are still pregnant as with a newborn your head is going to be all over the place

i would also be telling the mother this as even though she is hours away she seemed to have laid this on your lap and as your responsibility

horrible thing to say but she needs to get to rock bottom before she can come back up and start recovering,she seems to be using you as a crutch so she doesnt get that far so as your there she is never going to get to bottom

in your post and answers you seem to be a unpaid carer which tbh is not on or far to you

*missed the reply where you said hes moved in

Can you contact her midwife to talk about the drug use in the house and needles that are out in the open ? Also, my guess is she has not mentioned the MH issues or her own drug and alcohol use.

I would email her mother explaining that you are happy for her daughter but cannot help as you're due with your own baby. You have to focus on your child. How can you involve your child with your friends toxic lifestyle. That's not fair on your child. She is a fully grown adult. Step away.

I must be a total cow because by this point op I would have blocked her and cut her out of my life.

Don't let her drama dampen those newborn days with your baby and husband. You'll be recovering from birth, adjusting to sleepless nights on top of the emotional challenge DS a newborn often brings. And by the sounds of it be bombarded and pestered by your "friend", who frankly isn't a friend at all by the sounds of it and just a user.

She's made her bed and she can lie in it.

Is she definitely really pregnant?

@toriathet yes I think at some point we will have to have an honest chat. He has moved in but I don't know how much support she will get from him. I haven't replied to her mum yet but I'll be keeping it very light and focussing on answering her questions about my own family rather than how I will help. You've hit the nail on the head that at one point I was a carer more than a friend.

@mathanxiety I don't know how I'd do that and is it my place? I know she will have had to disclose her mental health issues as she is still under the care of the local team I think. I know she still sees her counsellor once a week and has to go to the doctors monthly for medication monitoring (I have previously attended this with her).

First of all you have been an amazing friend & she is very lucky to have you !!!
As others have said it's time to put ur family first. This girl is capable of coming to another country on her own. I mean this in the sweetest way possible, she survived before she met you ! Take a step back & she will find someone else to lean on. Same thing happened a very good friend of mine & it's only now she realises the friendship was very much one sided !. Be kind to yourself also.

@abigslideee tbh she is a lovely person when she's not being selfish (if that makes sense!). She threw my hen etc and has gone out of her way before for things like that. But it's definitely more of a one side heavier relationship.

@AnneLovesGilbert I did consider that at first but she had a fall down some stairs and was scanned at the hospital with her partner which he has told me about.

A 2 hour flight is nothing. You couldn't get to London from Edinburgh on the train in that time. My parents are on another continent and it take 38 hours of back to back long haul flights to get to each other but we still manage it when something important happens.

I'm not trying to play the "someone always has it harder" game, I'm just pointing out that, practically, it's pretty easy for her mum to come and see her. If she really wants to. I suspect she's not so bothered about making the effort because she thinks that you will do all the mothering for her.

I'd be pissed off with that email. It's nice that she's thanked you and acknowledged all you have done, but she should have been the one doing those things. And there absolutely should not be a insinuation that you will provide any kind of financial support to her daughter. That's ridiculous.

You need to take a step back from all of this. As others have said she has the father of the baby living with her. Why on earth does she need you to help her with anything?

I am pregnant in a foreign country where DH and I have no family at all. I have not once asked any of my friends here to go to a midwife appt with me, lend me money, give me their old baby stuff etc. I use my friends more as an emotional support network - you know, going out for a coffee to talk through our troubles, swap baby books with other pregnant friends, have dinner together etc. That's a normal level of friendship. Your friend is expecting way too much from you and it's stopped being a friendship and become you being her mum.

I don't mean to cause upset op because you sound very lovely but sometimes it's healthy to take a step back and have a think about things.

Is she really a nice person? Nice people that I know wouldn't allow someone to use drugs or bring back randoms to their house whilst pregnant, potentially exposing their unborn child to all sorts.

Oh and not to mention her boyfriends dc being around drug paraphernalia.

Sleeping with a married man.

Selfish.

Grabby.

None of the above characteristics scream "nice".

I would second what mathanxiety said. And in terms of whether it is your place, if you don't speak up in this situation, who is going to? If she chooses to bring an innocent baby into this situation, then his/her needs come first. If the poor little mite has parents who are not able or inclined to care, then the rest of society owes it to them to step in.

I also find it alarming that someone whose work involves children would expose her DP's partner's children to needles etc. What does that say about her priorities at present? (And yes, before anyone says it, her DP is more culpable as their parent, but that doesn't let another adult off the hook. No decent human colludes in leaving drugs around on a coffee table when children are in the house).

She's responsible for her own finances and her own child.

Set up boundaries now, be busy, reply later, don't reply at all, say no, etc.

Your family come first.

Take a little step back. Start managing expectations e.g. “I’m going to be really busy once the baby comes” “we will be trying for baby 2 and putting everything into storage, sorry”.

I agree with the person who asked is she really that nice. Occasionally fun isn’t the same as a nice thoughtful friend.

“We will need every penny we’ve got once the baby comes”.

I have a friend like this - I’ve offered lots of emotional and practical support. If the shoe were on the other foot would she support me in the same way, unlikely!

She will keep on taking the piss until you step back. You were very kind to her but be kind to yourself.

As an outsider looking in to be honest I think she is taking the mickey......your baby is going to be the most important person in your life.....you need to step right back from her she is and will be a huge drain on you and your family. She sounds clingy and needy in excess....she needs to grow up and take full responsibility for her situation. You are enabling her to play the victim you must stop it and look after yourself she is a frown woman leave her to it

Sorry being depressed isnt an excuse to wreck marriages-she might have bpd but its still not your bruden youve done enough now

She doesn't sound nice at all. I stopped speaking to a friend of mine when they had an on going affair with a married man. I felt awful knowing some women's husband and kids were being lied to. I was one of those kids growing up.

You have gone above and beyond and you are not her mother. You are allowed to create distance, and by all means please report to someone the issues with drugs. If they have kids over, and are having a baby that is a huge safety issue. You need to report that. Those poor kids and that innocent baby.

OP is it possible you have a bit of co-dependency? I love being able to help people and it took me a while to realize I can't safe everyone. People have to want to save themselves. Big hug.

I am sorry, but someone needs to point out the consequences of this dynamic you have with your friend.

The problem is that you have crossed the line between friend to enabler.

A friend helps, but an enabler does not help. An enabler does the opposite - they cause harm. Your friend is making bad decisions exactly because you are there shielding her from the consequences. You are now a major factor in her life choices and decisions - you are enabling them.

It is not just for your own sake that you need to step back, you really need to do so because you are causing your friend harm.

Please, stop trying to 'help'. It already feels unhealthy to you, but you need to open your eyes and really see just how unhealthy it is. A therapist or other healthcare professional is trained to avoid exactly the sort of situation you have got yourself into. The role of a friend is in supportive friendship, not steaming straight into self-abnegation and saintliness.

I think the only way you can fix this is to find some way to break off all contact if you cannot trust yourself to keep to your own boundaries.

Oh no op. I would be very honest to her mum that your assistance will be limited. I would make it clear that yes she may need support, but it will need to come from family. You have your own family to take care of.

And if there are drugs and paraphernalia in the house op with children, I'm sorry but I would be informing ss.