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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think having a mental illness does not make me an unfit parent?

50 replies

piercedinked · 15/06/2019 20:20

For starts, I will say I am bipolar with suicidal OCD. I have had it since I was 11, I'm now late 20's and cope just fine.

I have a DS who is 4 and DP has a 10 yr old DD (for the ease of this thread I will refer to her as DSD). He is on very good terms with his ex-wife, as am I! She is a lovely woman, we have all been out for dinner together, had nice chats over coffee etc. Generally get along great which is lovely for DSD of course.

She moved 80 miles or so a couple of years ago for a new role so DSD is with us EOW. She doesn't like to drive long distances so we do all the pick-ups and drop-offs which is fine. We always have a lovely weekend - watch her favourite films, go to theme parks, beaches etc. She never ever has a bad time here and she loves my DS.

Recently DP and I had an unplanned pregnancy which, as soon as we got over the initial shock and started to get excited, we lost the pregnancy. It fell just before the weekend DSD was coming so DP spoke to EXW and she agreed it was best to give this one a miss. We were very grateful for her support and understanding.

2 weeks ago, DP went to pick DSD up, the first time since the miscarriage. His ex naturally asked how he was, how I was etc. He mentioned I had took it hard, felt guilty as my medication had interrupted the pill (which is true). It seemed the convo took an odd turn as she asked why I was on meds and he told her straight out that I am bipolar (I'm not fussed who knows, I am not ashamed)

Well, didn't she flip. Said she didn't want DSD here anymore. Said I was unfit, she didn't trust me around her child, she didn't know if I would hurt her. Apparently she ranted on for half an hour, saying all sorts. DP was gobsmacked. She let him take DSD for the day and the drop her back off that night. He was gutted when he got home.

It's contact weekend again and she went off on one again earlier in the week saying that DSD could not come anywhere near me. DP has booked a hotel for tonight.

I obviously can't sound off at him. He's so gutted. But WTAF?! She has been fine with me for god knows how long. I am completely stable on my medication, I see a psychiatrist only for routine appts, I have never had any involvement with the police or social services. My DS is absolutely thriving, he is bloody wonderful.

I am so hurt that someone I thought I was friends with thinks I am not suitable to be around a child. She wouldn't have been any the wiser if not for the upset surrounding the pregnancy and we would have carried on just fine as always.

OP posts:
BlueThesaurusRex · 15/06/2019 20:22

Oh no- I’m so sorry this has happened. I can’t give any advice on the matter but I hope that the EXW can see reason soon.

AnathemaPulsifer · 15/06/2019 20:23

That’s awful, I’m so sorry you’re going through that. If you had a good relationship before could you maybe find some links to information she could read to set her mind at ease?

StrippingTheVelvet · 15/06/2019 20:24

I would be furious with DP for discussing my diagnoses with his ex-wife. Wtf is wrong with him? Are sure that was all he said?

ReganSomerset · 15/06/2019 20:26

Can she even refuse contact for a reason like that? He's her parent as much as she is and on his time surely he gets to decide who is fit to spend time with his daughter.

Original poster
piercedinked · 15/06/2019 20:29

I am not too fussed about the disclosure of my biploar. I have lived with it for so long.

I have a thought in the back of my mind that she wasn't happy about the pregnancy and was keen to find out all the details which led to her asking about my meds.

It just feels like a smack in the face. I haven't seen DSD for weeks and weeks, neither has my DS who is asking for her. Apparently she is upset in a bloody hotel room with none of her creature comforts, asking why she can't come and see me and DS.

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 15/06/2019 20:30

I'm so sorry that happened to you - YANBU, having a mental illness doesn't automatically make you an unfit parent. It can mean that but it doesn't always - or even often.

I have a couple of mental illnesses (mainly anorexia and a mild bipolar like illness called cyclothymia) and I am not at all open about it in real life precisely because of the judgement that is attached to it. I'm a single parent and a teacher and I'm afraid of losing my job and possibly even my children if I get judged too harshly. There have been periods where I have been a poor parent (I wouldn't go as far as unfit but definitely not good) and I feel bad enough about that on my own without other people piling on too.

Original poster
piercedinked · 15/06/2019 20:34

I am sorry to hear of your experience @manicinsomniac It is a massive shame there is so little understanding and so much stigma still.

I totally agree that it can have an impact on parenting but as someone who knows me, I really don't think she needs to be so...forceful? out of line? who knows.

OP posts:
Someone9 · 15/06/2019 20:48

I’m so sorry that happened OP. I think there is still a serious lack of education around mental illness. People fear what they don’t understand. Could you have a calm chat with her to put her mind at ease? Or even send a calm email with some info about bipolar? I know you shouldn’t have to but it would be such a shame for your DSD if this escalated any further (courts etc..) considering it’s so rare for blended families to get along so well.

SandyY2K · 15/06/2019 21:04

What a terrible overreaction on her part. If she had never met you it would be different, but she knows you and has first hand experience of you as a person.

In the long term, your DP will need to seek legal advice to enable him to have his DD at home. A hotel room isn't good enough....and will have a negative impact on her relationship with you and her brother.

In her young mind, she could think you don't want her there...this could really mess her head up.

Your DP could ignore her and bring his DD home, but her next move would be witholding contact. That's why your DP needs to deal with it. Having evidence from your psychiatrist confirming you're not dangerous and are not a risk to this child or any other.

She wouldn't be the one to see your medical information...it would be the professionals.

He can carry on seeing his DD away from your house, while he takes steps to sort this out.

Original poster
piercedinked · 15/06/2019 21:06

As I am sat here thinking about it, I am getting a little angry. Do we have to pass her "probation"? Is this going to be it now? What on earth is she basing her timeline on?

And when DSD can come back, are we supposed to get on our knees and thank the Lord?! Perhaps she would like to come round and do an inspection. Or better yet, an apology for what she has said and the strain she has put on our relationship.

I am so fucking upset Sad

OP posts:
SimonJT · 15/06/2019 21:07

I have depression and anxiety which has been medicated for the past ten years, I also had an eating disorder until about three years ago and I have had some minor relapses.

I have also adopted a child.

The ex wife needs to extract her head from her own arsehole.

Imnotbent · 15/06/2019 21:09

As you don’t mind people knowing I think your DP misplaced his trust in telling her this and it is up to him to rectify it. He needs to remind her that DSD is not only safe but benefitting from contact with both of you. Does she not trust your DP to know if you are unwell?

He needs to tell her to educate herself on MH issues, and if this doesn’t put her mind at rest and she continues to be unreasonable then he needs to remind her he can formalise child contact through the court.

SuperPixie247 · 15/06/2019 21:09

Good for you @SimonJT

How lovely to give a child a home Smile

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2019 21:10

How long have you been together OP?

I don't normally say things like this but could there be a chance they've rekindled their relationship and that this is just a cover story?

Have you phoned her and spoken to her at all?

SuperPixie247 · 15/06/2019 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/06/2019 21:16

I'm going against the grain and think he should have told her from the start. She's now reacting because it was kept from her and she has gone into protection mode.

Your DH needs to work with her not get cross or angry. She's scared for her daughter as it's all unknown to her.

Original poster
piercedinked · 15/06/2019 21:19

Little over 3 years @worraliberty

I am 10000% sure that they are not back together. For a variety of reasons, she refers to herself as asexual now. I am often around at pick up and drop off and she lives so far away there is no opportunity to sneak round.

I haven't spoken to her. I don't really know what to say and I definitely don't want it to get heated or me to get emotional to add another string to her bow Hmm

Also...bollocks. Name change fail. I will ask for other to be deleted.

OP posts:
U2HasTheEdge · 15/06/2019 21:29

She obviously doesn't know a lot about bipolar and it has scared her.

It's really hurtful for you, but considering you got on well before, she is clearly very ignorant about it as this is a very strong reaction to have.

I would get your partner to perhaps send her some information through email. He needs a calm discussion with her for his daughter's sake. I would be asking her what exactly she is scared will happen. She clearly has the wrong idea about mental illness and that comes from a lack of education.

I do not agree that she should be told from the start. It is the OP's business. I can't see how telling her at the start would have changed anything. My DH has a serious MH illness and whilst I did tell my children's dad I certainly didn't feel obligated to.

Sakura7 · 15/06/2019 21:34

As someone who has a bipolar mother, I think she overreacted. I wonder if she has experience of someone with mental illness who didn't manage it properly and is jumping to conclusions about you. Which is very unfair.

There were times when my mother was unfit, but it was when she was having regular manic episodes and refusing treatment. As long as you are receiving treatment on an ongoing basis and managing your condition, of course you are a perfectly capable of being a good parent.

Original poster
piercedinked · 15/06/2019 21:35

I will definitely suggest sending an email with some links in with DP. He is due back in the morning, fuck all of a Fathers Day for him.

I worry so much for the future. How do we move on from this?! I can't seriously be expected to swallow this and smack a smile on my face. Something else to be discussed with DP tomorrow I guess.

OP posts:
U2HasTheEdge · 15/06/2019 21:43

I think your partner will have to put his foot down if it continues. Of course the best way forward is for her to get more insight into bipolar and feel bad for her reaction. She doesn't really have a lot of say in the matter when it is his weekend for contact though. He gets to decide who his daughter can be around on his time.

jacks11 · 15/06/2019 21:50

Of course having a mental illness doesn't mean you are an unfit parent. Having a mental illness can make things more difficult for some parents at times and this can have an impact on children, but it is far from universal situation.

I think your DSD mum is wrong to have reacted so badly- it does show ignorance of bipolar disorder, and mental health in general- and is very unfair to her DSD, your DH and you. However (and this is not to excuse her reaction), perhaps the fact that she has not known about it for 3 years has caused her to over-react? I think your DH needs to talk to her. Can she simply refuse to allow your DH access- i.e. is the access an informal agreement or one agreed via the courts?

Original poster
piercedinked · 15/06/2019 21:55

The relationship has always been so well that the contact arrangement is informal.

Personally, I agree with the posters saying that he should be able to do what he likes on his weekends. He is a parent too. He doesn't police her whereabouts when she is with her mam.

He is a good parent. He pays alot of maintenance so she can work part-time, he does all the running around even though she moved away and has a car sat on her drive and always always makes sure we have a special weekend. Even if its something little like going out for a posh meal just them 2 to make her feel grown up. God forbid, if it ever did end up in court for access, he would have no issues at all. I so hope it doesn't. It would feel like all my fault.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 16/06/2019 01:56

Do we have to pass her "probation"? Is this going to be it now

The thing about life, is that ppl tend to do what they know they can get away with.

She moved far away, yet he does all the picks and drops.

so DSD is with us EOW.

^ This infers he saw his DD more often than EOW before she moved.

Now I don't know if seeing his DD less often bothered him and he kept quiet for an easy life... but it can also give the other person you'll accept anything they say regarding your child and that you (as the father) aren't overly important.

You describe your weekends with her as full of fun, which is obviously great from DSDs viewpoint ...but it's not really the reality of parenting.

It just seems that your DP is very accomodating and his Ex uses that to get her way.

You say he pays a lot of maintenance so she can work part time? So she moved 80 miles away for a part time job? Hopefully it's a well paid pt job, as your DP no doubt ended up with increased hefty fuel costs as a result of her moving.

When you said she moved for a job... I thought she was a high flying career woman, who could support herself financially if she had to. Off course he should rightfully pay child support.

Her flipping as described just doesn't seem like a normal reaction. A normal rational person with concerns would ask how the bipolar affects you, before acting like she did.

To conclude you're unsafe to be around just because you're bipolar is ridiculous.

Have you had any episodes since you've been with your DP? Could he have shared this information with her? Or told her about your suicidal OCD, which could have scared her?

blackcat86 · 16/06/2019 02:56

So now she has breached his trust in having such casual arrangements. What is he going to do about it aside dancing 100% to whatever she wants. Time for him to go to court for proper contact at his home and go to the cms to stop overpaying giving how much driving he is doing. His ex has tested the boundaries and each time your dp has given in so now where does it end.