To think having a mental illness does not make me an unfit parent?

[piercedinked]

For starts, I will say I am bipolar with suicidal OCD. I have had it since I was 11, I'm now late 20's and cope just fine.

I have a DS who is 4 and DP has a 10 yr old DD (for the ease of this thread I will refer to her as DSD). He is on very good terms with his ex-wife, as am I! She is a lovely woman, we have all been out for dinner together, had nice chats over coffee etc. Generally get along great which is lovely for DSD of course.

She moved 80 miles or so a couple of years ago for a new role so DSD is with us EOW. She doesn't like to drive long distances so we do all the pick-ups and drop-offs which is fine. We always have a lovely weekend - watch her favourite films, go to theme parks, beaches etc. She never ever has a bad time here and she loves my DS.

Recently DP and I had an unplanned pregnancy which, as soon as we got over the initial shock and started to get excited, we lost the pregnancy. It fell just before the weekend DSD was coming so DP spoke to EXW and she agreed it was best to give this one a miss. We were very grateful for her support and understanding.

2 weeks ago, DP went to pick DSD up, the first time since the miscarriage. His ex naturally asked how he was, how I was etc. He mentioned I had took it hard, felt guilty as my medication had interrupted the pill (which is true). It seemed the convo took an odd turn as she asked why I was on meds and he told her straight out that I am bipolar (I'm not fussed who knows, I am not ashamed)

Well, didn't she flip. Said she didn't want DSD here anymore. Said I was unfit, she didn't trust me around her child, she didn't know if I would hurt her. Apparently she ranted on for half an hour, saying all sorts. DP was gobsmacked. She let him take DSD for the day and the drop her back off that night. He was gutted when he got home.

It's contact weekend again and she went off on one again earlier in the week saying that DSD could not come anywhere near me. DP has booked a hotel for tonight.

I obviously can't sound off at him. He's so gutted. But WTAF?! She has been fine with me for god knows how long. I am completely stable on my medication, I see a psychiatrist only for routine appts, I have never had any involvement with the police or social services. My DS is absolutely thriving, he is bloody wonderful.

I am so hurt that someone I thought I was friends with thinks I am not suitable to be around a child. She wouldn't have been any the wiser if not for the upset surrounding the pregnancy and we would have carried on just fine as always.

Do you know if she had a parent who suffered with mental illness?

I only ask because my mum was bipolar and had a few suicide attempts and my childhood was absolutely horrible. It really did have a huge negative impact on me and there were many times when I was neglected or treated badly. My childhood home wasn't really safe. Perhaps she has had a similar experience?

I am no way saying that you are negatively impacting your children's upbringing as I know that everyone manages it differently and some people lead very normal lives. Nor am I justifying what she's done because it's ridiculous. We didn't know as much about these things 30 years ago so I think it did impact people's lives more. I just wonder if she's had bad experiences in the past and is taking it out on you? Again I'm not saying that makes it ok, I'm just trying to understand why she would react that way.

I agree with PP's that you need to go through the courts to get a proper contact agreement in place. That way she can't do stuff like this. I feel very sorry for your DSD, she's the victim in all of this.

I provided residential care for eighteen months for a child with a mother who had bipolar who made several suicide attempts and couldn’t take care of her child. The child went through her own suicidal ideation because her mother had been telling her for years that her mental illness was caused by the child. It’s possible that she has been through similar and is panicking. It isn’t fair, but it’s hard to think rationally if you have lived through something like that.
Or maybe not. But the adults need to talk.

My son's dad has bipolar.

I didn't know this when were together - he'd had an episode in his early 20s, we got together in our early 30s, together 6 years, I had no idea, other than him showing a bit of paranoia when we went on nights out - he used to think people were calling him names, he even accused my sister if doing this - we still never guessed this was indicative of bipolar.

About 2 years after we split up he had a manic phase so I stopped him from seeing my son (he thought there were cameras in his house, was talking to people on the TV, thought soap opera story lines were about him). He got on medication and was fine, so son started seeing him again.

Then, unbeknown to me, he stopped taking his medicine (he didn't like the weight gain and because 'he felt fine' - he didn't understand he had to take them for the rest of his life).
Cue another massive manic phase lasting months. I had no idea he was unwell again until I had the usual brief conversation with him on his doorstep at picking up time. He asked me if next week he could take DS out somewhere as he didn't want DS in the house 'what with all the cameras that were in there'. I told him he was unwell again and that I was going to put our son in my car and when we got home I was going to phone the crisis team and that he should wait to hear from them, either by phone or a visit. He was adamant he was absolutely fine and I was wasting my time. This manic phase went on for months. Then a huge depressive phase which culminated in him going into a secure unit because he was threatening suicide.

Through the manic and depressive phase I stopped all contact between him and my son. His dad was not thinking rationally and my main concern was if he was threatening suicide then what was to stop him thinking my son was also 'better off out of it all'. You read about these things happening.

This was all about 6 years ago. He's been on medication ever since and, whilst a shadow of his former self, is absolutely fine. Contact resumed once I had reassurance from his psychiatrist.

Your DPs exW reaction is down to shock and misunderstanding. Whilst I can understand her concern for her daughter's welfare (I've been there), I'm not sure why she thinks that her DC would come to any harm - your condition is obviously well-managed, she must know that from all the open contact you have had between yourselves. Even if you were unwell then your DP is still there to manage things, and surely he would know if you were unwell and could postpone/rearrange his DCs visits.

ExW needs a chat with you and reassurance that if you were ever to fall unwell again then your DP would communicate this to her and they could mutually postpone/re-arrange visits.

I think she just needs time to process the information and get some education about it/research it. It is a shock to find this out about someone, you've had a long time to accept your diagnosis, she hasn't.

Give it time, keep communication open and I hope everything turns out well for you all.

She sounds completely ignorant.

@SandyY2K. Just to clarify some of your points. Before she moved, we used to see DSD EOW, an overnight in the week and a meal in the week. Obviously none of this is practical now but we do have her for longer in the school holidays and when we can.

She did move for a good FT job but after about 8 or 9 months switched to a PT role in an admin position claiming DSD couldn't get used to the new area and needed her support more. Fair enough if thats true. It does cost a fortune in fuel too! I am going to suggest doing 1 journey each from now on.

I do think my DP's parenting is pretty good. Sure we have been to a theme park some times but I also said upthread that sometimes it just something little like a "posh" (to a 10yr old!) meal. Shes well behaved, not demanding, does her homework, goes to bed at a reasonable hour etc.

No episodes at all around DSD, I am fairly well managed. Sure, I got upset at the miscarriage but I am not made of stone and I didn't attempt anything or do anything extreme.

I am so very sorry of what you have been through @Mumsymumphy. It sounds so difficult on you and your DS. I hope your ex continues with his medication and all is as best as it can be.

@blackcat86 I know! That is one of the things I am nervous about. She has tested boundaries and got her own way so now what? What comes next?

DP is back at lunchtime and I have already said that we need to talk. I am not taking anymore insults on my parenting, any more assumptions on my condition or any more unreasonable requests.

I think it’s fair enough she reacted like that. I would have too. You say you are “fairly well managed” what does that mean? I do have experience with people who have bipolar and I’ve found they can be in medication and great, then for whatever reason they stop meds and it all falls apart. Then it’s fine again. I realise not everyone reacts the same but I would flip out about not being told about it too.

What a twat she is, I'm sorry OP

Is there a court order in place or is this an informal arrangement? If you can't all sit down and discuss this like adults then your DP is going to have to take legal action.

She doesn't have the right to demand how he spends his contact time with his daughter.

I am well managed. I take all my medication every day, I attend every appt without fail which are usually only a medication review anyway. I know not to stop taking my meds and I have never done so. Nor will I ever.

She could have expressed shock, disappointment or even been bit put out. But to say the things she has is utterly batshit. She needs to take a long look in the mirror if she thinks I am the one who is "mad" and "dangerous"...

Thanks for explaining about her work. So really from what she says her DD is the reason she reduced her working hours, not just because she had a desire to work part time.

Does this mean he increased his maintenance when she reduced her hours? If so, then it does seem like she pulls all the strings. She clearly finds him a pushover.

Her DD is 10 now and should be used to the area after 2 years.... that arrangement could do with reviewing.

Moving 80 miles and now doing a part time admin job, both have a negative impact on your DP.

Regarding your DSD... I wasn't inferring there was an issue with her behaviour. It just seems all fun and games while she's with you, so nothing to cause any problems. I can imagine if you only saw your child EOW, you probably would want it to be filled with fun.

A lot of men are accused of being Disney dads, but when you see your children at this frequency...there's probably a fear that they'll stop coming over and there's a lot of pressure to make their time with you full of fun.

I wonder if your DP told her more than you have bipolar.

I don't have any practical advice but I am so sorry this is happening. My DH has bipolar and the idea that he would hurt anyone at all, let alone a child, would be laughable if it wasn't so upsetting to think that anyone would believe he might.

I suppose she might wbe reacting to a bad past experience. But even if that's the case the fact is that she's chosen to react like this towards a person she knows and presumably trusted rather than bothering to educate herself says a lot about her.

FWIW I think she just wanted to work part time - wouldn't we all! And yes, the maintenance did increase.

She does have her moments. Daft things like wanting to watch TV not do homework, not eating her dinner and wanting sweets instead. I nip that in the bud with DP before any Disney Dadding. My DS is here too and if she gets sweets instead of dinner, he will want that too and no chance.

This is the last weekend of her carrying on, its putting pressure on our relationship and mine with DSD. The longer that this carries on, the harder it will be get back to normality.

@Midgeland I'm glad you can see where I am coming from. I imagine you and your DH would be very upset if someone thought he would hurt a child, especially one close to your heart.

UPDATE for anyone still willing to give advice.

Due to both parties being on holiday for 2 weeks, dates overlapping etc. it has been almost a month since we have seen DSD. DP texted his EXW yesterday to confirm details for pick up and got a phone call with yet more abuse and saying she doesn't want DSD anywhere near me or this house. DP put his foot down and said he wanted to see DSD here and not at a hotel or anywhere else. EXW said she had had a long day and she would speak to him tomorrow (ie. today)

So it is looking likely at the moment that DP won't be seeing his DD this weekend which is obviously gutting for all involved. But at the same time I do see where he is coming from, he has to put his foot down now. Booking hotel rooms for every other weekend is ridiculous and surely he knows what is best for DSD too?!

I fear this is really going to damage their relationship

Is the contact court ordered? I know nothing about the legal side of things, but it seems to me that you'd be best off going to court, and asking your consultant, GP and anyone else who can provide evidence to do so. You shouldn't have to, I know, but surely if a judge declares you're no danger to DSD the ex has to agree with contact being resumed?

He'll have to go to court at this rate. I'm so sorry you've had to put up with such ignorance.

There is such a stigma sadly surrounding MH issues which won't help, but I will say that I know two women with BPD who would say that it is well managed but when they have been manic have been unable to see the impact it has had on their dc. I don't even know what suicidal OCD is but I must admit I would be wary for my child to be around someone with that diagnosis. Ignorant I know but my child's welfare comes first.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP, I think your DP may have to go through the court which might result in you being assessed by SS, so be prepared for that. From what you've said it is well managed and you are not in any way a risk and medical experts will back you up.

It is certainly looking like we may have to go to court. Something I am sure none of us wants. As mentioned previously, I have a DS of my own who (ironically) I have a great relationship with his Dad who has known me through thick and thin and has no concerns about my parenting. Surely that has to stand for something??

No advice but

I think you definitely need to go to court. Even if she gives in on this she has now withheld contact as a form of control and so there will always be the worry that she will do it again. The best thing your DP can do for his relationship with his daughter is get the contact sorted legally so that he knows there won’t be an issue like this in future.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I had similar bullshit with my ex due to my own mh DX and illness. He's an idiot at the best of times but behaved particularly appallingly over this.

Yes I'm afraid it looks like your dp needs to go to court and get contact legally framed.

Which would well backfire on her as it's entirely possible they will stipulate she has to do some of the transport and that dsd actually spends more time with her dad and you than before.

His ex has behaved atrociously and ignorantly.

I've just been posting on a thread on discrimination against the mentally ill in employment.

It's disgusting how much prejudice still exists.

I hope you manage to sort things out on such a way as is beneficial to all who've been harmed by this nonsense and as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately having been through it myself (pre DX simply ex trying to control how I spent my time with dd and requesting more contact than he could even realistically manage! Taking me back to court repeatedly because I wouldn't stand for his bullshit re turning up hours late for contact and often drunk/hungover too) it can take several months to get things sorted. I also predate the required mediation element though so maybe that would speed things up?

I'm sure more knowledgeable mners with more recent experience can advise.

What I will say is make sure dp gets a good lawyer - they're not all the same and you can change. My 1st was incompetent and slow, 2nd was much better, more proactive and nobody's fool - get recommendations from friends/family who've been through family issues.

Take care of yourself and don't hesitate to get extra support health wise if needed. This will not go against you.

I was once so ill that dd was being cared for by a relative, ex kicked off but equally was unwilling to look after dd himself! Twat! It was only a temporary situation and included time for an op for a physical issue but still if his concern were genuinely for dds welfare he would have looked after her for at least some of that time. But no - too much like actual effort for him!

Sending you all un mumsnetty hugs and good wishes to get this sorted properly ASAP

How awful OP. She is half ignorant and half frightened.
I had an experienced with a friend having a manic episode, he thought people were after him, I went to a hotel with him only as a friend for support, he filled the kettle to the top, when I checked my phone he thought I was texting the people, I really thought he was going to throw the kettle over me, I left and phoned the garda.
I'd be ok with bipolar as long as you and DP were aware of signs.
I have some MH issues too, I get it, I am not judging you or the illness, when psychosis is part of it its scary.

Today has been no better

DSD will not be coming over this weekend. His ExW has gone from ignorant to downright offensive. Accusations flying everywhere. I am almost at the stage of thinking it is best if DSD doesn't come this weekend to jolt her back to her senses.

We are going to get our ducks in a row and if this is still continuing by next contact weekend then we will take it to court. This is such a fucking mess

Do you have any emails / texts from her saying what a good time DSD has with you? Anything like that from her I'd print and keep to hand. She'll say she didn't you know had 'problems' then but that's just the point, she didn't, and she had no issues with you looking after her DD so why does her knowing make any difference?

I'd also speak to anyone who knows you professionally as a parent (GP, old HV if you can get in touch, nursery manager etc) and ask if they'd be willing to produce a statement concerning any issues they think you have with parenting. Don't necessarily get them to write it just now, but ask if they would.

Sorry to hear it's come to this. You'll get through it.