Am I taking this in the wrong way

[Fielder7]

elder7

For the past few months more so than not, my dp seems to be falling asleep earlier or in the daytime (weekends) it's almost like he just doesn't enjoy spending time with me but it's just so hard to tell because I have high anxiety so I'm a worrier anyway.

He does start work very early because he has to do 10 hours a day so he starts about 5.30am and finishes for 3.30/4pm. I understand these are long hours but hes not even spending time.with me except for sitting with me and watching the TV which doesn't last long as then he falls asleep.
Also, on the weekend he seems to want to get house jobs done. Again I shouldn't complain but it's like hes looking for things to do ! He literally knocked a wall down a few weeks ago because hes decided he wants an open staircase.
Now today hea decided to dig up the garden for a patio area. It's just upsetting because I'll suggest we go for a walk with the DC but hell moan and say theres stuff to do and that hes tired. He did end up going today but like he doesn't enjoy it and who wants to go out as a family when you have someone acting like it's a chore??

I find it all really strange. Hes fallen asleep on the couch again! I feel like it's just me and the DC. We dont really have friends we see or anything so I suppose it can be quite lonely/uneventful

Is this normal or am.i overreacting?

It sounds like he doesn’t want to be involved in family life. Like he doesn’t enjoy it so he is creating lots of jobs to do so he can avoid it. It’s not good.

@jox

Yes I agree but I also think.he has an issue with me? Almost like he just doesn't enjoy my company since he usually falls.to sleep after the kids are in bed so when its "me and him" time

Well I've had internal doors without handles for nearly a year (I offered to do them after about two weeks and was told it would be done and the was no need for me to try and do everything myself, it's more a point of principle), so I'd love it if DH was more motivated to do household jobs

What age is he? I saw my BIL doing just this and thought he and my DSis must have issues. He ceased the habit as he put less pressure on himself for work. My DH did similar at the stage I was a SAHP with 3 small DC. Once financial stress was reduced, DH became his lively self again.

@zippy

Yes that's why I think.i could just be overreacting. He is big into DIY and has done so many projects in the house, I.e extension, kitchen etc

But this has now been going on for months almost like a regular occurrence. Just feels hurtful how he falls asleep in the day whilst me.and DC are in the house. We dont even get to go out anymore

@peakypolly

Hes 35. I would say he works long hours because he says he has to do 10nhours daily. So.i can see why hed be tired in the week but the weekends... it's just almost like he wants to not talk/spend time.
Because of his job he doesn't have any.money worries. Hes got the best wage hes had since iv known him. Paid well and no mortgage

I think a conversation is in order. The DIY sounds like a distraction for something. Maybe it’s to avoid talking to you, or maybe he is stressed about money or work. You won’t know until you talk to him.

Sounds silly but I just dont know how to word it. If I say you seem to be sleeping alot I know his response will.just be "I'm tired I work.50 hour weeks" as that's what hes said numerous times before if I suggest we do something.

I dont know how to word it without it making me look inconsiderate and selfish if that makes sense

I think it's just about balance, he probably thinks he's being a great partner and dad, working all of those hours and getting all the household jobs done. It would be easier for him to feel unappreciated of you moan, maybe do things with him so they take half the time, plan things to do as a family or something relaxing as a couple, cinema etc

I think that if I started work at 5.30am I'd be falling asleep on the sofa in the evening too.

What do you want him to do, other than walk the dogs with you and the kids? He's doing the house stuff and he's watching TV with you in the evenings (until he falls asleep) so I'm not sure what you mean tbh. Unless you usually sit around playing cards or board games together? Or do you want to go out for a meal/cinema etc?

If it's unusual that he's this tired, do you think he should see his doctor?

If you didn't have kids I'd have a different response.

What strikes me here though is that he doesn't seem to do any parenting. As a pair of solo. So you handle the dcs all week and all weekend while he just cracks on with other stuff.

Has he always been so hands off as a dad? Has he ever had them alone?

If he starts work at 5.30am then he would be knackered by 8pm and need to be in bed around 9pm. Yab a bit u tbh. He's working a 50hr week and does stuff around the house. How is he at weekends?

I know his response will.just be "I'm tired I work.50 hour weeks"

So then you respond with “no, it’s more than that, it feels like you’re avoiding spending time with me and the DC. When you do spend time with us you have to be forced and you behave like you hate it. That’s not ok, and it’s not fair on me or them. What’s going on?”

I had this with DH last year. He was constantly moody, tired and seemed checked out on family life. Turned out he had an inactive thyroid. Now his medication is working it's a lot better for all of us.

@struggling

That's why Iv mentioned am I overreacting. I know ti wake up st 4.30am nust be difficult but he is falling asleep in the evenings at around 8pm (not long after the kids are in bed) so he is getting a 8 hour + sleep. I'm actually getting less sleep than that as I just cant seem to fall asleep early and then up at 6am with dcs to get ready and go to work -- I work too BTW. And do most of childcare, cooking and housework

That's not even an issue tbh its his lack of interest to spend time as a family. Well if you out it that way hes getting back from work at 4pm, we have tea at 5/6pm then literally getting the kids ready for bed so were not really having quality time together. Going for a meal/cinemas would be a luxury for me. I just want time together after kids have gone to bed chatting ir watching a movie together.

@whiteredrose

Yes that's why I've mentioned hes the same on weekends. I'm actually not too fussed on weekdays as I know were all tired but weekends should be quality family time and hes showing hardly any interest

The falling asleep I can understand as I also start work early in the morning. What if you compromised and when he got home from work he had a 30 min nap. Then he shouldn't be falling asleep later in the evening.

The not taking part in family stuff is different. Have you spoken to him about just the family stuff.

You are being ridiculous. The man is getting up at 4.30am for work every day! Of course he’s not going to sit around in the evening chatting or watching a film. He’ll be shattered! Just because you can’t fall asleep early doesn’t mean everyone else should stay up.

Could he look for another job? That might help with the work/life balance. But then I suspect you’d be upset that he wasn’t home in time for tea every day.

For me this was a sign of my depression.

Can you organise a nice night out just you and him. You may both need reminding that you enjoy spending time together.

People have finite physical resources and different body clocks. My dp is one who needs a great deal of sleep, I need less. He naps, I'm almost unable to nap - hes up til midnight most nights, I struggle to stay awake until 10:30 tbh.

Mid thirties is when many folk first start to reach the point when they find their energy runs out after a lot of physical work. You start to feel your aches and pains, and run out of patience for social things that you arent that interested in (ime)

I'm saying all this because I'm trying to say your dh may just be really tired and want to potter at home on weekend because hes done with people etc.

It does sound like he needs to muck in with the kids and house a bit more. But beyond that - you seem to have already skipped several steps of communication and decided, without having a proper conversation at all!, that he doesn't want to be around you.

Can you not talk to him? I know you protest that you can't but you know how folk say that communication issues can end marriages? This is what they mean. One partner has decided what the other one is thinking, and is now fretting her face off over it and insisting she can't talk to him about it. You aren't going to get a good result if you just let it fester.

my husband was doing this recently and I got really angry with him. Every time I turned my back on him it seemed like he was asleep. I felt awful when it turned out that he was quite severely anaemic. Now he is being treated for that, his energy levels are much better.
If his tiredness seems out of proportion then it might be worth him seeing his GP.

As has already been said, you need to talk to your partner about this, to reassure yourself that it isn't you causing him to either sleep all evening or do so many jobs at weekends.

He obviously feels he needs to do DIY and can only do it at weekends. If he enjoys it, it makes a pleasant change from work and can be very satisfying.

My husband has always fallen asleep in front of the television, he's a lot older than yours but he did it right from the start! He also used to do it when he lived at home with his parents. He'll wake or stay awake if we have something to do or somewhere to go or if anyone's coming round. I can't say it has ever bothered me (except I wish I could fall asleep so easily), I certainly never thought he was avoiding spending time with me.

Still, you do need to have a gentle conversation, putting your point of view, as it is making you so unhappy.

Your DH could be me Op. I work FT and am just exhausted all the time. As soon as I can I go to bed. I’m afraid I just can’t think of my partner ahead of that, I need my energy for work the next day. House stuff never ends, and it’s just another chore to fit in. It’s a rut tbh. I think it’s sometimes the way with small children and working

I agree with PP on him having a nap when he gets in, falling asleep after being awake from 4.30, putting in a full shift it does seem natural to be falling asleep 3 hours after eating his tea.