Am I taking this in the wrong way

[Fielder7]

elder7

For the past few months more so than not, my dp seems to be falling asleep earlier or in the daytime (weekends) it's almost like he just doesn't enjoy spending time with me but it's just so hard to tell because I have high anxiety so I'm a worrier anyway.

He does start work very early because he has to do 10 hours a day so he starts about 5.30am and finishes for 3.30/4pm. I understand these are long hours but hes not even spending time.with me except for sitting with me and watching the TV which doesn't last long as then he falls asleep.
Also, on the weekend he seems to want to get house jobs done. Again I shouldn't complain but it's like hes looking for things to do ! He literally knocked a wall down a few weeks ago because hes decided he wants an open staircase.
Now today hea decided to dig up the garden for a patio area. It's just upsetting because I'll suggest we go for a walk with the DC but hell moan and say theres stuff to do and that hes tired. He did end up going today but like he doesn't enjoy it and who wants to go out as a family when you have someone acting like it's a chore??

I find it all really strange. Hes fallen asleep on the couch again! I feel like it's just me and the DC. We dont really have friends we see or anything so I suppose it can be quite lonely/uneventful

Is this normal or am.i overreacting?

I think falling asleep in the evenings is to be expected, but I think you should tell him you miss him and need him to prioritise family activities over DIY. perhaps try and get him to stay awake later on a Saturday evening when he's had a chance to recover from the week.

I suspect it's nothing personal but that he's overstressed and tired but feels he needs to keep doing things at home because he can't slack. But this definitely needs to be talked over sensitively so you can say how you feel and he can express how he feels.

Sometimes not communicating leads to one person make assumptions of the other that turn out totally wrong. Maybe he feels guilty for the long hours and for some reason thinks you'll be disappointed if he doesn't do lots around the house?

Just recently DH found that, after years of him/us going to dinner on most Fridays at his parents, both he and they were doing because they thought the other party expected them to! (NB, no one hated or resented doing it, but they did think it was an obligation) Their relationship has improved a lot now they've stopped feeling they have to do it and now we do it once or twice a month instead.

My df was a bit like that. He was always doing things round the house when he wasn't busy working.

As I've got older I've realised that was how he showed his love for us. He loves to give us something amazing (and it is) that he's made. As a child he always seemed a little remote because he didn't sit and talk and play. I was often called a daddy's girl because I'd go and chat to him while he worked and fetch him cups of tea and sometimes help or he'd show me how to do things and we'd make things together.
My siblings didn't, and I can remember as an adult dsis saying how mean he'd been not to show us children how to do what he could do, and feeling slightly speechless as he'd always been happy and willing, but they never asked, or showed any inclination.

When he comes now to our house he loves to be asked to use his skills to do things. If I don't ask him to do things, he'll do them off his own bat. I've tried telling him to sit down and relax and just chat, but he doesn't enjoy it as much.

I understand the falling asleep. My DP and I work similar times, he can get 8 hours and be fine but I still need more sleep than that. I also fall asleep early in the evenings and am still tired over the weekend.

He likes DIY, maybe he's just trying to make the house nice. My Dad is similar and he spend weekends working on the house, as I got older I would help him out and we'd spend the weekend together doing it.

It sounds like he doesn't want to go for walks - is there anything you can do together that you both want to do?

I think hes just checking out of relationship tbh. When hes awake hes hardly talking to me
Seems deep in thought...

How old are your children OP? Does he spend time with them when he gets home from work at 4pm? Presumably if you eat at 5/6pm you're getting dinner ready then (as you said you do most of the cooking)? Could he and the children take the dogs out then?

I know that's not family time, but it's child care and will help them bond, so it's a start.

I agree with pp's though, you need to talk to him, there's no point speculating really.

My dh wakes up at 5am and gets home at 7.30pn. He always falls asleep, and is terrible company some evenings when he is very tired.

Weekends away should do the trick. We try and go for two nights, somewhere lovely with activities. You can go out for dinner together or even room service. No TV. It’s fantastic. I realise how much he still Ioves me when he is less tired. So I don’t feel insecure. Is your dh affectionate on holiday/away etc when he has more energy?

Given his hours he is just knackered. It’s not personal, but he can’t help being tired. For your financial security there is a sacrifice op.
Use your money to buy more time and fun together

Being very tired may look like he is deep in thought, they look the same no?

Perhaps it was a bit of overtirednness. He seems talkative and affectionate today

@witchend

Thank you for sharing. Your father sounds like a lovely man.
It's on and off with dp. He can be quite good and playful with the kids on days but then I'd say majority he prefers to sit on his iPad. I think this might be his way to relax and wind. He is very house proud though and loves DIY. So for him.its perhaps classed as a hobby. Hes very good at fixing and tinkering with things.