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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel the sitter?

45 replies

TickTickTick · 15/06/2019 09:52

My marriage is on it’s last legs. It feels like just a matter of time before we split up. In an effort to try and make it better I arranged a sitter for tonight so DH and I could go out.

We have a recurrent issue whereby he will just drop me a text when he finishes work to say he is going for a “quick one”, which invariably means he rolls in pissed a couple of hours later. We have had countless discussions and rows about this. Our children are young and I think that going out needs to be prearranged for the most part. Occasional last minute things, if not negatively impacting the family, fine but not regularly. I think we lost that freedom when we decided to have kids. And for what it’s worth I am never in a position where I can just decide on the spur of the moment to not go home from work.

So Tuesday night I get the dreaded text. He rolls on at 9pm completely hammered. I am not happy but stay away from him and say nothing. Friday afternoon I ask him if he will be home on time as I’m making dinner. I tell him I don’t want to go to the effort if he is likely to go drinking. If so I will just eat with the kids. He assured me he will be home “normal time”. I try to contact him later and can’t get hold of him. This often means he is in the pub ( he has a job where they frequently hold “meetings” in a pub). I managed to speak to him a bit later and he had clearly been drinking. I told him that if he continued drinking ( as I know that means he won’t come home and will be incomprehensible when he does. I find this tedious to be around) that I would be cancelling our weekend plans. This made him belligerent and I was told to go ahead.

He got home only an hour after his usual time, but had clearly been drinking most of the afternoon. I stayed upstairs and avoided him. He did get up with our kids and got them breakfast but then went back to bed! They are not old enough to be left unsupervised. So I’m not happy and I’ve cancelled the babysitter. I know he will be fuming and make out like I’m completely overreacting.

Am I?!

OP posts:
Livedandlearned · 15/06/2019 09:54

No you're not. He's being a knob.

Limezested · 15/06/2019 09:55

YANBU LTB he will never change

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/06/2019 09:57

I think I’d want to go out with a girlfriend for some support. Cheaper for him to look after the children for that though.

Original poster
TickTickTick · 15/06/2019 10:06

He has just woken up and asked if I’m still “being moody”, then told me to “have a word with” myself as it’s perfectly acceptable to go for a pint.

OP posts:
OrchidInTheSun · 15/06/2019 10:07

No you're not overreacting. Leave him. He's not going to change

foreverhanging · 15/06/2019 10:08

His behaviour is awful and no YANBU. But, consider using the sitter to go out yourself somewhere? Since you can't trust him obviously.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 15/06/2019 10:09

Video him pissed, show him, ask him he'd put up with it night after night.

Wonderbread · 15/06/2019 10:10

How does he get so hammered he’s incomprehensible between drinking after work (i’d guess 6ish) and getting home at 9. He must be knocking them back! I love to drink but that’s pretty good going

converseandjeans · 15/06/2019 10:13

YANBU as you say it's not something you can do when you decide to have kids. He's trying to minimise what he's doing & make you feel guilty. Good job you're reliable & put the kids first!

Original poster
TickTickTick · 15/06/2019 10:21

Wonderbread - yes he does knock them back, but I think most of the time he has really been drinking during the afternoon too. They go to the pub at lunch and have a couple then after work is just topping himself up. Frequently I think they all just stay in the pub and cite “meetings”.
So he can often get home at his normal time ( so he thinks it’s not a problem) but be so “tipsy” he just talks utter shite.

He is not an aggressive drunk just a tedious one. You can’t communicate with him as he has no idea what you’re on about. For instance yesterday after him telling me to cancel the sitter as he refused to be blackmailed, he text me asking if I wanted him to bring me dinner home. Now I’d already told him I’d cooked. He had forgotten this entirely in the space of an hour! We had a fairly normal text conversation and I asked if he was on a train. He then replied that no he was going to stay out after my attempted “blackmail”. He had already forgotten the conversation about him bringing home dinner.... this was within a few texts!

OP posts:
PrincessSarene · 15/06/2019 10:25

It would only be “perfectly acceptable” if it were agreeable to both parties and each got the same opportunities - in this case it sounds like neither of those are true. You have every right to be angry about this. And him calling you moody is misplaced guilt at best...

It sounds like you are trying to put the effort in to work on your relationship. That will only work if he does too. Otherwise things won’t get better and likely will get worse. Maybe when he’s calmer/got over his hangover you could spell that out to him clearly and simply? His reaction could tell you whether it’s worth continuing to try, or to decide what you want to about ending the relationship.

GertrudeCB · 15/06/2019 10:26

He has an alcohol problem and prioritises it over his family.
Of course he is trying to make you out to be unreasonable, that way he doesn't have to look at his own behaviour.

Windygate · 15/06/2019 10:27

Cancel the sitter and make your plans for your future

Original poster
TickTickTick · 15/06/2019 10:27

I already know it’s not worth it. We had marriage counselling and he was supposed to stop all daytime drinking. Well he hasn’t at all. He went from begging, pleading and promising to justifying, excusing and rationalising his behaviour.

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 15/06/2019 10:29

My marriage is on it’s last legs you need to tell him this, because he's in deep denial. He thinks he can just carry on and nothing will actually change. You need to get him to understand he's on thin ice - and then carry through with any consequences. Sorry Op, he's in another world to you and he's not listening. Flowers

IncrediblySadToo · 15/06/2019 10:31

I would have one final conversation (when he’s totally sober) and tell him that this stops now or you will divorce him. And mean it. He comes home from work, on time & sober. End of. He gave up the right to act like a single, childless bloke when he chose to have a wife and children. (Ok. So in good relationships where you can both occasionally do this it’s great, but where it’s one person doing it all the time, it’s unacceptable).

He’s treating you like crap, he’s decided you are the default parent and he gets to be Daddy when it suits him. Errr no.

He has no respect and very little love for you.

You were not wrong to cancel the babysitter.

Do NOT do anything to acknowledge Father’s Day tomorrow.

You’d be better off alone than living like this, honestly.

Tell him & mean it 🌷

(And NO, don’t ‘stay for the kids’. They’re better off out of this, they can still have a relationship with him).

ControversialFerret · 15/06/2019 10:44

You are an alcoholic.

I am filing for divorce.

Find somewhere else to live.

Original poster
TickTickTick · 15/06/2019 10:48

Told him all of that. He is not an alcoholic, I’m just boring. “Every” bloke drinks like him.

He won’t move out but says I can.

OP posts:
supersop60 · 15/06/2019 10:58

Then just do it. Divorce him. The courts can make him leave while you stay in the home to look after the children.
He is an alcoholic and is not willing to change.
You deserve better.
Life is too short.
Flowers

MintyT · 15/06/2019 11:07

Call his bluff,go out for the day leave the children with him, say your just popping to see a friend. When he texts say your having a drink and will be back later

Betty777 · 15/06/2019 11:11

He may or may not be an alcoholic - could just be circumstantial due to his job, he may just be deflecting because he doesn't want to deal with your relationship issues.
But either way he's being very disrespectful to you. If this is a short term issue you could get past it with some effort, but that won't work unless you both want it to.

Cancel the sitter, then try to have a serious talk (not about the drinking thing or this weekend specifically) and figure out if you both want to save the marriage. If you do you could see a counsellor and give it a few months. At least that way if you leave you know you've tried, so won't be as likely to regret/doubt your decision in the future.

good luck

MrsMozartMkII · 15/06/2019 11:14

This is no way to live.

Exit stage left lass.

onalongsabbatical · 15/06/2019 11:15

Betty777 they've had counselling, she has tried.
OP you need to act now, the talking hasn't worked, right? Time for a solicitor's consultation?

supersop60 · 15/06/2019 11:32

Betty777 - I would think that putting the need for a drink over your family is a strong indicator that alcohol rules your life.

Northernlass99 · 15/06/2019 11:47

He is an alcoholic. He is prioritizing drinking over his relationship and children and defending it. Its not normal. Google and read about ‘children of alcoholics’ and it might help you make a decision (to LTB).

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