Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To cancel the sitter?

45 replies

TickTickTick · 15/06/2019 09:52

My marriage is on it’s last legs. It feels like just a matter of time before we split up. In an effort to try and make it better I arranged a sitter for tonight so DH and I could go out.

We have a recurrent issue whereby he will just drop me a text when he finishes work to say he is going for a “quick one”, which invariably means he rolls in pissed a couple of hours later. We have had countless discussions and rows about this. Our children are young and I think that going out needs to be prearranged for the most part. Occasional last minute things, if not negatively impacting the family, fine but not regularly. I think we lost that freedom when we decided to have kids. And for what it’s worth I am never in a position where I can just decide on the spur of the moment to not go home from work.

So Tuesday night I get the dreaded text. He rolls on at 9pm completely hammered. I am not happy but stay away from him and say nothing. Friday afternoon I ask him if he will be home on time as I’m making dinner. I tell him I don’t want to go to the effort if he is likely to go drinking. If so I will just eat with the kids. He assured me he will be home “normal time”. I try to contact him later and can’t get hold of him. This often means he is in the pub ( he has a job where they frequently hold “meetings” in a pub). I managed to speak to him a bit later and he had clearly been drinking. I told him that if he continued drinking ( as I know that means he won’t come home and will be incomprehensible when he does. I find this tedious to be around) that I would be cancelling our weekend plans. This made him belligerent and I was told to go ahead.

He got home only an hour after his usual time, but had clearly been drinking most of the afternoon. I stayed upstairs and avoided him. He did get up with our kids and got them breakfast but then went back to bed! They are not old enough to be left unsupervised. So I’m not happy and I’ve cancelled the babysitter. I know he will be fuming and make out like I’m completely overreacting.

Am I?!

OP posts:

Noonooyou · 15/06/2019 11:52

Yes I would cancel the babysitter (please make sure you pay them a cancellation fee as it is short notice and they will have turned down other work)

I'm sorry you're in this horrible position op. It does sound like he's a bit of an alcoholic..It isn't easy if their meetings do end up in pubs as it normalises drinking!
I think you need to leave him really if you've tried all the usual counselling etc...
As for tonight, have you got a friend you can go out with and leave him at home with the kids?

recrudescence · 15/06/2019 12:00

I don’t think this situation sounds retrievable and you should begin making preparations to end it. There are many people here who could give you good advice on the practicalities.

Merryoldgoat · 15/06/2019 12:09

You will be happier without him.

Life has to change with families - it just does.

My DH and I go out regularly (separately) but there’s notice, a proper plan for the kids and it’s fine.

Obviously there’s the occasional impromptu thing - I think for my DH that’s about 4/5 times a year and he’s never incoherent when he comes back.

JonSnowsFurCoat · 15/06/2019 12:24

Having been in similar circumstances not too long ago, I completely understand the impact this is having on you.

I also had a dh who used to drink to excess, when he was out, and would be belligerent when he came home. He also does a hobby twice a week which is based inside a pub.

I left for a while and made it very clear to him if he didn’t stop drinking and drop his hobby to once a week, I would not be back.

It worked for me to tbh I put up with it for quite a while until he finally changed.

He has changed now and to his credit has really stepped up and stop drinking to excess. It took the shock of me actually leaving for him to get his arse in gear!

FancyAPint · 15/06/2019 12:40

If you can I'd just take off (or you and kids) for the wk end, if you have some family or friends you can go and visit. I couldn't live like this I'd at least have to tell him today that it's over now

Janleverton · 15/06/2019 12:53

No, not every bloke drinks like this, at the expense of family and relationship. Not by a long stretch.

I just couldn’t tolerate this.

Moondancer73 · 15/06/2019 13:19

He plainly is an alcoholic. He can't manage without going to the pub and doesn't see an issue with it. He won't listen to you and won't see reason. I would go to a solicitor and hand him divorce papers if I was in your situation.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/06/2019 14:28

Hi OP

If I was you I'd go out as well.

I think I might work in the same industry as your husband. There are a hardcore of men who are functioning alcoholics who act like your husband. Unfortunately in their circle it is 'normal' - they are all single, every single relationship they've had has died due to their unreasonable drinking habits but none of them seem to care as they would rather be in the same pub chatting to the same people about the same things every other night. I have seen a couple of them change after getting serious partners or having children but this has been rare. They always egg each other on and it's very much a culture of 'nagging wife wants me home, I'll 'accidentally' miss the train' than 'I want to get home and see my family'. Unfortunately lots of business is actually done in the pub as well, or deals are done between people who go out drinking, so there is a genuine 'business need' for some staff especially senior staff, to socialise. Obviously it's all on him, but in that environment it may be hard for him to change. Just to be clear I'm not condoning his behaviour at all, I used to be a bit like him (husband worked a way a lot so wasnt letting anyone down) but that's completely gone out the window now we have kids, I will only have one if it's an afternoon pub thing or none if I'm doing pick up and I'm driving and any other night out is arranged a couple of weeks in advance.

Do you work? Could you swap hours so he could do pick up and you do drop off or something so he can have a reason not to drink?

Given the men I know like this I dont think arguments and idle threats work - I think you need to leave before he actually takes it seriously. Or swap roles for a week so he knows exactly how awful he is being.

What would actually happen if you rang him in the day and said you wouldn't be there in the evening?

BumandChips · 15/06/2019 14:33

“Every” bloke drinks like him.

No they don’t.

Bluerussian · 15/06/2019 14:46

Quite agree with BurnandChips, many men aren't bothered about drink. A pint is OK, drinking from lunchtime and in the evening is not acceptable. I can't imagine having a partner rolling in drunk so often.

I really hope you can get out of this.

Meccacos · 15/06/2019 16:19

I think you shouldn’t have cancelled the sitter - but kept the sitter and gone out with friends or even just alone.

I like going out by myself and you’ll be showing your husband that you don’t need him. It’s also good prep work for when you separate.

I just read that again ....why the fuck should you hire a sitter if it’s just you going out?! He can look after the kids!!

carla1983 · 15/06/2019 16:27

He was supposed to cut down on his drinking and he hasn't managed it. He has a problem with alcohol and it's impacting your relationship and family life in a big way. I'm not surprised your marriage is on its last legs.

Loopytiles · 15/06/2019 16:29

YANBU for cancelling the sitter / social plans.

It does sound like he has an alcohol problem, and that he doesn’t respect you.

Suggest making / speeding up plans to end the relationship, for your and the DCs’ sake.

Goodenough06 · 15/06/2019 16:31

It sounds like he's massively in denial about the effect his behaviour is having on his family life. Even if he is right and his drinking isn't a problem (which I don't believe to be the case) the fact that he is letting you and your children down and not following through with promises is wrong.

He is obviously not going to change without realising how much he is hurting you. It sounds like you definitely need some distance from him and to create a more stable life for yourself and the children. He can either sort himself out and turn it around or carry on getting pissed up and wasting the precious time he has with his lovely family. I hope you're ok, you sound very determined that you want to leave him and like you are strong person.

Drum2018 · 15/06/2019 16:37

Go out yourself with a friend tonight and leave him to it. He has been given chances and doesn't deserve anymore. You deserve to be happy and it won't happen with him. I hope you can manage financially without him.

MarieG10 · 15/06/2019 16:40

I'm afraid really he is an alcoholic. Drinking like that routinely and from lunch is nonsensical. My husband won't even drink at lunch in holiday as it makes him feel like rats and then ruins the rest of the day so he abstains and just has a drink on an evening, in moderation with our meal. I'm the same

If he is not going to change then I'm afraid the outlook is bleak as it will just get worse not better

Branleuse · 15/06/2019 16:54

you dont have to put up with anything you dont want to put up with. Him attempting to justify it is the most annoying thing, because hes justifying it to himself. You dont need excuses.
Honestly im not surprised youve had enough.

SunnyCoco · 15/06/2019 17:37

I'm so sorry, this sounds really hard.

In my relationship I'm the one who loves a drink and socialising etc, but I'm extremely aware that it means the other person is on duty and we need to respect each others time and hard work. He doesn't sound respectful of you.

I would try to have some time apart if you can figure out the logistics, honestly it sounds as though things would be easier and happier without him

Best wishes and hope things improve

Broombroomshaketheroom · 15/06/2019 17:40

He has a drink problem
You have a cock for a husband
He is a crappy father by default
Divorce him. Lets be honest it will probably be an easier life as you'll have one less (man)child to worry about.

PregnantSea · 15/06/2019 23:02

Oh Christ OP. But actually he's right about one thing - you DO need to have a word with yourself, because you're still married to this twat. Sounds like you don't need to have anymore conversations about how to save the marriage. It's dead in the water. He killed it. Time to move on.

I know it will be a hard road but you and the kids will be fine

Flip

1 2