To think that most abusive people have a better life than average

[Hobnobwithtea]

I was thinking about this last night and I can thing of several examples of people who have been abusive / bullies and yet they seem to live a good life :

1. My best friends parents were and still are horrible but they have plenty of friends, money etc
2. I’ve had bosses who have been vile (mainly to others but I have been on receiving end ) but still hold a high position / are successful in their career
3. I have two ex boyfriends who were emotionally and financially abusive but both are now with lovely women living a very comfortable life
4. I have lovely friends who have never hurt anyone and yet have had misfortune either with jobs, relationships, finances or all of these.

I’ve yet to see karma in existence and I struggle to make sense of why this is so I’m interested to know what other people think ?

Interesting. My second ex husband appears to have everything, but I'm not convinced his previous behaviour won't bite him in the arse one day.

My first ex husband lives with his Dad at 45. Does own a house that his on/off partner lives in. She is 65k in unsecured debt because of him, the house is a wreck. He has trouble holding down a job, and he probably has a long list of STI's. His relationship with his children is very poor, and our son, who lives very near him, has just issued a non-molestation on him for controlling,coercive and abusive behaviour. He, and his partner will lose the house within the next 5 years because their mortgage is interest only and they have no means to repay it. Added to that the debt they owe has been secured on the house by the lenders. I feel sorry for his partner, she has never seen a way to get away from him.

Interesting post and yes, I have to agree. They bully from a stronghold I believe. Anyone on the back foot generally has more humility. My step daughter has been working in America and is leading a very priviledged life. It has no actual substance but she has turned into an obnoxious monster over the last three years in my opinion.

Karma got my ex. But he's ok because it's not his fault, and everyone who has cut contact with him, including our kids, is punishing themselves 🤫.

This is an interesting one. Is it the way our society is structured that seems to favour the pushy, the bullying, the one who is prepared to tread on others' faces to get what he/she wants?

Or is it that a lot of people are damaged, and that's why they try to damage others?

I’ve always believed that karma is instant. You act like and dick and BOOM karma: you are a dick. You treat someone badly and BOOM karma: you are a bully. For me, that is enough to feel pity for these people so even if they are living it up and have just bought a great car and are dating a lovely person, none of that changes who they are in reality and behind closed doors so there is nothing really to be envied.

I felt like this when I was struggling with the impact of how poorly I'd been treated by someone, and how my life wasn't going the way I wanted. I used to rage at the unfairness of it all.

Eventually I came through that, with the decision to make the best of things. As my life and confidence improved, I no longer obsessed about the people who had hurt me.

Although.... Almost ten years later, karma (which I don't really believe in, but for want of a better word) came back to bite the person who had hurt me l, in a way I'd never predicted. I admit to feeling a little gleeful, however the best reward, for me, was realising how little I cared and how little it mattered to me now, because I had moved on

At work, people sometimes get away with being nasty to others because they are only horrible to those reporting to them. To 'important' people they are charming and helpful.

I've had quite a few instances when I have had to explain to a boss that the lovely person they were seeing was in reality a bully to the rest of us (more junior) folk.

Hmmm, I think that whilst they might be successful, they are probably unhappy in private. My experience with these types of people has lead me to believe that they usually have been damaged in some way, usually a horrible home life as a child and are pushy/bullies as a result. Success doesn't have to be measured in money or how many friends you have. To me success is about being happy and feeling content with what you have at the same time as having aims.

The wankers in life tend to prosper, sadly.

I’ve had a few opportunities where I could have stepped on people and been an arsehole that would have got me ahead.

Instead, I chose not to and I’m still languishing in my shitty job at the bottom of the pile.

But at least I can hold my head nigh.

Abusive people who aren't in positions of privilege or power don't get to be outwardly abusive - so what you're most likely seeing is simply survivor bias.

Well, they often get what they want because they don't care who they trample on in the process. They can do things most of us wouldn't dream of because they don't have much of a conscience. They are probably deeply unhappy underneath the façade though.

There is no such thing as karma.

It depends what you regard as success, unpleasant types might have the outward trappings of it, but ime they’re never happy with what they’ve got.
Maybe poor consolation but it genuinely does feels nicer to be nice, to be constantly shitting on people with a dog eat dog mentality must be quite hard going.

Depends. It does sometimes bite them back, but not always.
But I do think you don't do always do things because they benefit you, but because they are the right thing to do.

These people have stuff and superficial friendships but how happy are they really. You can’t know.
Some people are miserable even with everything going for them on paper because they never appreciate what they’ve got.

Is it not that those who are abusive also possess characteristics that will make them successful in some areas of life? A determined strong willed child who doesnt also possess much empathy will grow into an adult used to getting what they want and wont be bothered who they tramble on.Factor in addictions and its not a good combination. Abusive people arent ever happy or sstisfied though.

They always put themselves first that’s why.

They have no problem with what they do/have done/the way they treat people because they lack self-awareness and empathy plus they think they are always right.

I think people who moderate their potential for bad behaviour because of 'karma' need to take a look at themselves. It's almost become transactional as opposed to innate.

Doing the right thing, quietly and without virtue signalling is my motto. Mind you, career isn't good, mental health is changeable and I'm broke..oh and divorcing, too.

Karma is most likely immediate as a previous poster described. However those types are often immune to the attempts of others to offer other viewpoints and are blissfully ignorant.

Hoisted by their own petard springs to mind

Interesting thread!

Yep - the idea that people bully out of weakness or poor self esteem is not always correct. And that strong will very often gets them what they want. And actually I'm sure many of them are happy with their lot, because treading on people gives them pleasure and there's always people to tread on.

I suppose you can only console yourself with the fact that you are potentially a nicer person! Although that doesn't always seem like enough when you see bastards getting what they want...

I bumped into my abusive ex (think Hannibal Lecter levels of sickness going on) a few years after I escaped him. Despite his intellect and background he was living on benefits, in a communal house full of utter losers surrounded by empty Tennants cans and sleeping on a mattress.

As someone who after escaping him, got a law degree and a mega salary, a loving husband and healthy kids (not in that order of importance- just occurrence), I practically skipped out of his shitty house feeling light as a feather and al my fantasies of torturing him to death gone. Huzzah.

I feel like my ex husband is like Teflon. No matter what he does nothing sticks.

Regards,
Louise

I think they tend to have a lot of enablers around them. Eg: their parents and partners and long term friends are conditioned into running around after them. Also I've noticed the people around them tend to fall into two categories - either they are genuine realllly nice people or they are the same kind of monster. So the former, make excuses like 'oh he is a dickhead but he's our dickhead', they see the persons nasty behaviour but excuse it(eg: 'they are having a bad day', or 'i've misunderstood' or 'they'd never behave like that to ME') and the later laugh at their unempathetic ways (or even - compete with them for just how awful of a person they can be) and laugh along with them.

Also, I don't know if you;ve noticed but - when shitty people do shitty things, people tend to be more likely to make excuses for them because it's what they have come to expect. But when good people make rare mistakes-people are less likely to forgive. Abusers condition everyone around them into accepting their shit. They live better lives because everyone around them is conditioned to kissing their asses for a quiet life.

You have no idea how happy these people are though

I think they generally do. A lot of it is because they just don't care. If they lose friends, relationships, etc it's of little consequence and they'll just find others.