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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

19 year old daughter's drinking

27 replies

HildegardCrowe · 15/06/2019 06:29

19 year old DD is just home from uni. Her first night out and she hasn't come home. I've finally got hold of her and she's crashed at a friend's and sounds really drunk. It's the first time she's not told me where she is. I know she's been drinking too much at uni and doing things she regrets (we have a close relationship and she tells me everything).

AIBU to tell her she needs to go and stay at her dad's (I'm divorced and he lives down the road and she has a great relationship with him) and she can come back if she tries to control her drinking and doesn't do anything like this again? I love her to bits and am really worried about her behaviour.

OP posts:
Decormad38 · 15/06/2019 06:31

So you're worried but want her to go and stay elsewhere. That seems contradictory!

Original poster
HildegardCrowe · 15/06/2019 06:36

Am wondering if it might make her realise she needs to do something about her drinking. Or maybe it's too harsh....

OP posts:
TrixieFranklin · 15/06/2019 06:38

I think pushing her away like that will just give her more reason to stay out / excuses to find 'alternative' accommodation going out getting pissed and not coming back.

FrannySalinger · 15/06/2019 06:39

Asking her to go and stay at her father's house because she got drunk and stayed with a friend seems like a massive over reaction. She's 19, not 14

WhyTho · 15/06/2019 06:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaltedMilk88 · 15/06/2019 06:41

I think you may be being a little OTT. If she was away at uni you’d be none the wiser to typical antics. It was her first night home.. Was she not just having a wild one catching up with old friends she hasn’t seen in a while perhaps?
Try not to worry. I’m not sure sending her to her dads is the answer..
if it’s happening every night then that’s a different matter

whatswithtodaytoday · 15/06/2019 06:44

I would be cross she hadn't messaged to say she wouldn't be coming home - she's likely enjoying her freedom at uni and forgot her mum will worry, but that's basic good manners.

However I would not be worried that a 19 year old uni student is drinking to excess on a Friday night.

lifebegins50 · 15/06/2019 06:45

After time at Uni she will not be familiar with telling you that she is staying out and your reaction is an over reaction.

If you have such a close relationship why on earth would you make her leave?

She is at Uni, drinking will be part of the experience but she needs gentle education and understanding to what is causing her to drink excessively.
She could be feeling less confident or need practical advice on how to drink safely, what drinks to choose, to eat before going out, to pace herself and drink water in between etc.

She is a young adult and will slip up so needs guidance and boundaries but no extreme reactions as you planned.

Apolloanddaphne · 15/06/2019 06:45

She sounds like your average 19yo student. My DD1 often stayed out with friends after a night out and certainly drank far to much during uni. She doesn't any more now she is working. Don't push her out. Keep your close relationship and build on it. Young people often make stupid decisions and need their parents to support them not reject them.

eurochick · 15/06/2019 06:47

Meh. She's 19. Still learning her limits with drink. And not used to having to give a parent an account of where she is. Let it go.

BurnedToast · 15/06/2019 06:48

What makes you think her drinking is a problem?

There's a big difference between going out, getting drunk and crashing at your mates and being alcohol dependant.

Your daughter is away at university and not used to having to explain where she's going. She's an adult after all.

Have you never had one too many and stayed at your friend's house?

Unless there's a back story about alcohol dependance, then in the nicest possible way OP, it sounds as though you're over thinking this. Perhaps you're struggling with adjusting to your daughters independance? Perfectly understandable.

Original poster
HildegardCrowe · 15/06/2019 06:50

Yes, maybe I'm over-reacting but even though she's an adult, I'd still expect her to text me if she's not coming home. I just worry when I know she was too drunk to do it....There's a history of alcohol problems in my family (me included) and I'd hate to see her going down the same path.

OP posts:
Jammysod · 15/06/2019 06:51

I get that you're stressed/scared after not knowing where she was but A conversation about her letting you know she's safe/where she's staying if she's not coming home would be more productive.
Make sure she understands the dangers of getting drunk & that she stays with her friends.
She's 19...
Kicking her out is a massive overreaction for this, you'll be only push her away & she just won't tell you what she's doing.

Original poster
HildegardCrowe · 15/06/2019 06:57

I can see from all your wise posts that it's my concern about her developing an alcohol problem like I did that's probably causing me to over-react...She has told me though that she has frequent blackouts and is having unprotected sex which is a worry. We'v talked a lot about safe drinking so not sure what more I should say.

OP posts:
Phoningliz · 15/06/2019 07:02

That's a bit of a drip feed.

whatswithtodaytoday · 15/06/2019 07:05

Well that's a massive dripfeed Hmm Of course you should be concerned, that's a completely different situation.

I still wouldn't send her to her dad's though, what good will that do? Get her home, feed her carbs and have a talk with her.

Original poster
HildegardCrowe · 15/06/2019 07:20

Sorry maybe I should have revealed more initially. Can see that more talking is needed. She's a lovely girl with so much to offer but has very low self-esteem with boys and I think is allowing herself to be treated badly.

OP posts:
stucknoue · 15/06/2019 07:25

She's just got back, talk and explain that she needs to send a message if she's not coming home and you are there for her if she feels she needs help with her drinking. But I suspect she is ok, just first time back fun

Apolloanddaphne · 15/06/2019 07:29

That extra info would make me encourage you to keep her closer to you not push her out. What message would that give her? I confide in my mum so she packs me off to dad? Keep talking to her.

Isatis · 15/06/2019 07:35

What would sending her to her Dad's achieve?

Bigbopboo · 15/06/2019 08:56

Goodness don't send her away.
I would calmly speak to her. Tell her that she should text if not coming home. Support her and gently suggest that some of the things she has been doing when drunk might not be wise.

I drank heavily at uni and got myself into some sticky situations. Like your daughter I had/have a poor self esteem. I have survived, but with hindsight I wish I had reined it in a little.

itsagoodlife · 15/06/2019 09:09

I wouldn't overly focus on the drinking for now, I would focus entirely on building her self esteem if you do that the drinking and risky behaviour will take care of itself.

I don't know if her father is the right person to help her with this, but you have been there and have experience.

Talk to her about how it makes her feel before and afterwards, ask her if she is happy with how it is going. Does she see her body as being used or is she enjoying it? Show her what you see in her, her intelligence, her beauty. Start talking about everything she has to offer the world, and why should she waste it all being drunk.

Confidence building course would be a good start.

A spa day or break if you can afford it, a massage would reconnect her with her body. Swimming and talking together would be good for you.

You have the whole summer now to turn this around.

Butchyrestingface · 15/06/2019 09:13

I can absolutely see why you’re very worried but not sure how sending her to live with her father will address the issue?

Pimmsypimms · 15/06/2019 09:17

Don't do this. My sister was a challenging teen and our Mum sent her to live with our dad as she 'couldn't cope with her'. Sure enough, our Dad couldn't cope either and then kicked her out. She then sofa surfed for a while in her mid teens, moved 300 miles away and made many poor lifestyle choices as she didn't have parental guidance. This included relationships with abusive men.
Don't move the problem on for someone else to deal with.

Original poster
HildegardCrowe · 15/06/2019 10:02

Thank you all so much for your advice. Some of the posts brought tears to my eyes! I had low self-esteem too and drank to cover it up, so don't want her to make the same mistakes I did. She's home now and we can talk later. Love the idea about a spa day itsagoodlife.

OP posts: