To wonder why people have children when they clearly put their career first, by having a 24hr maternity nurse from day one and a full-time nanny from 3 months?

[gogetter]

Call me old fashioned but why bother when you are going to see your child for maybe an hour a day on weekdays?
It's not financially needed for mum to return to work (far from) so why leave your teeny weeny baby with a nanny during the most amazing time of their lifes?

A bit strange I fear!

lol, issy

how about another pastiche? "obviously working mothers are the spawn of satan who really should be sterilised. i'm not being judgemental. i'm just saying what's right for my family"

When the going gets tough, the tough get pastiche?

A thread entitled "am I being unreasonable" is not going to be neutral - that's the whole point of the topic.

i kinda agree with gogetter but what pisses me off more is when sombody has a maternity nurse then a nanny so they can go shopping orgo to the gym etc. i worked for a family like that and it really upset me that they would rather be out spending money than spending time with her kids

TBH, I am already getting pissed off with other people criticising my choices/ the way I am handling my PG. (am 21 weeks PG with first) I read on mumsnet many complaints frm others who feel exactly the same. Why, then, are we so judgemental towards each other? Why can't we accept that what works for one does not necessarily work for another?
I will be going back to work 3 days a week. I do plan to have half days, still have the nanny, and go and get my haircut, do the shopping whatever so that the time I spend with my LO can be undivided. Does that make me a bad mother? To some of you, apparently it does. It makes me very sad- what happened to female solidarity? Or has it never really existed.

starshaker, i agree with you - why would anyone do that? I must admit though, i would loooooove to go to the gym, love to.

It amuses me that we keep coming back to this assumption the households with 2 working parents are wealthy.

If I was wealthy whcih sadly Im not I think I would still work because it's who I am. I am prepared to sacrifice exactly as much of my career as men are expected to sacrifice of theirs in this society.

Sometimes my DH needs to be reminded that I am in no size, shape, or form prepared to sacrifice my career for his. But, he comes round after I stomp my feet loud and clear. He gets a lot of flack at work when he takes time off for the kids. But, that's his work's problem, not mine. I hope things have changed by the time my DD is a WOHM. And I hope she is not exposed to the bigotry that is running rampid through this thread. Any standard that is different for women than it is for men belongs in the Victorian history books.

Oh, and on that note, I'm off to the gym...

I work with newborns and am looking after twins at the moment. Its hard work for a first time mum so if she wants to hand over the babies to me I'm not going to critise her for that. She also doesn't have a partner so needs support.

starshaker...I sadly knew that teh scenario 2 that I "made" up, is sadly a real one in some families.
Eleusis, I don't think people assume that 2 parent family in which both work equally are necesaarily wealthy...however, I would think that those family with one earner, that can still afford a fulltime money must be wealthy-ish at least....lol!

And Suey...no I don't think working and even having the nanny every now and then there so you do have time to get things done or even to spoil yourself makes you a bad mum...tbh...to me it sounds like that would be my perfect world....and it sounds like the balance is right....but that is jusst my humble opinion, and what do I know anywya, been a SAHM for far to long, so, if my brain wasn't fried before, it must be by now

I used to work f/t and am now a SAHM/student. I gave up f/t as neither DD or me appreciated leaving her in nursery 8-5 everyday, she wouldn't settle and I decided that I had years yet to have my career.. I found SAH a very hard adjustment, at first, but now love it and feel a sense of freedom.

I have couple friends who both work, most of them have one whom works part time or they work around each other, or use nursery part time. They drive pretty ordinary cars etc etc and are not wealthy as their lifestyle/house has gone up so has their mortgage etc.

Still, their houses are very child centred and their lives still are based around the kids. I know a few who tend to act like they are still single and you cannot tell they have kids in the house and kids are shunted off at every opportunity, they drive flash cars and then complain that they can't afford not to work. I agree with the OP that for me I don't see the point in doing that, but we are all different and some people just cannot cope with kids 24/7 or prefer more material things than I would.

I don't get it when people assume you need to be 'lucky' to SAH, I know people who cannot afford to work. Also, I am very non materialistic and choose to live on less money, it is a choice that alot of people could make if they wanted to. Each to his own though.

On hardly anyone answering "Why do you have children and then leave them, knowing that they need and want you to be there(yes there are always exceptions - mental illness, poverty, but when those are not an issue)?"

The answer is that they do not need us and you are wrong to think they do. You give yourself some kind of ridiculous God like status. They need loving adults, security and routine but that is as well provided by a good nanny or nusery or granny or father as a mother.

Also I never think we give chidlren what they want. Start on that path and you go on the road to ruin as a parent... just wait until you have teenagers. Life is not about indulging children.

Also "then leave them" is emotive and misleading. The are with their good carer just like your husband leaves them every day, abandons them, palms them off in your terms but that's just fine because he has a penis and is beyond reproach, on your terms.

I cannot understand why you will not allow women to care for and love their own children rather than pack them off to their father, grandparent, nanny, nursery, great auntie Marge, the woman next door or anybody who will have them. Why can we not look after our own children? If a woman wants to look after her own children why not let her without pouring scorn on her head for doing so. I am not saying you are wrong for handing your children over to any or all of these people. Surely you are not so insecure in your choice that you have to insist that everybody follows suit just to give you some reassurance. That would be completely spineless. Make your decision, stick to it and allow others to have their own opinion.

Very true, I think it's crazy to think all mums should work f/t. Most studies have shown that few want to, and most want to work p/t, if at all. I also don't think all mums should stay home. I just think that it is important for parents to spend as much time as possible with their children, whatever their gender. I think most babies would prefer their mothers/fathers to a shared caregiver. Life is short and often hard enough. Spend it how you are happiest! Also, agree about the voluntary workers who are SAHM's. I was one of the few volunteers last year in DD's class. No way would I have time if I was working f/t. Unpaid workers are the backbone of society. Often we enable others to work a job which they otherwise would be unable to do. Why outsource work if you don't want to and can do it yourself? Seems abit bizarre when I see my friend being paid to pick up someone elses child from school while she pays someone to pick her son up!

I like this one: "Also "then leave them" is emotive and misleading. The are with their good carer just like your husband leaves them every day, abandons them, palms them off in your terms but that's just fine because he has a penis and is beyond reproach, on your terms."

Can we ditch the gross generalisations about biology dictating that men and women are good at different things? Because the differences between any two individual human beings are far bigger than the differences men and women in general.

maybe some people don't actually have achoice.

or

maybe some peple dont like being at home witht heir kids

Why do people assume what is right for them and thier family, is right for every person and every family. I think it is a shame that we cannot recognize and accept that people can make different choices then the ones we have made. This not make our choice bad but it doesn't mean thiers our bad either.

Stop judging other people for life choices it achieves nothing but heartache and hurt feelings.

well of course no two individuals are the same...however, surely we can not just diss the biology/evolution part of it....

But all choices will criticised and judged equally badly just not always by the same people.....leaty...not that that makes it any better of course...

It just drives me nuts how all or nothing some of these conversations turn into.

lol....welcome to mn....lol....

for all I know you have been a member longer here then I have....but ykwim....and are you in the states that you have that weird and wonderful named, but apparently brilliant dishwasher?

To villianize someone for decisions they have made

no...to have heated debate about everything and nothing and god and the world...and you will always find the completely extrememly opposed views aswell as the mediaters/diplomatic views....

but then, actually it's not just mn, it just, I suppise that mn is a bit more lenient in what they would allow and what not....

3andnomore,

I actually think the heated debate part is good. It is the name calling or all out judgement that bothers me.