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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my kids are being mentally scarred...?

49 replies

Dadwithquestions43 · 14/06/2019 18:26

AIBU to think my kids are being mentally scarred by the fact that every eight weeks I move back into the former marital home (by way of a court order not my choice) for the weekend and the ex moves out. The kids are different children from when they stay at my house and I am really concerned about their long-term welfare being subjected to the stress this causes. It was the ex's suggestion and offer during the court order and will continue for the next 11 years and the ex is refusing to negotiate? Honest opinions welcome

OP posts:
cardibach · 14/06/2019 18:28

Why is this happening? What was the reason? I don’t think I really understand.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 14/06/2019 18:29

I don’t understand why the court would order that! Confused

Do they stay at your house in between those 8 week visits?

LittleLongDog · 14/06/2019 18:30

What used to happen and why did it change?

InDubiousBattle · 14/06/2019 18:30

Do you see them in the interim?

Diamondeye · 14/06/2019 18:32

I’m very confused.

Do you have sole custody of them?

What is the purpose of you moving back for a weekend every 8 weeks when I’m assuming you have your own home?

FlibbertyGiblets · 14/06/2019 18:35

You have two threads currently from today, underlying theme is that you have fallen out with your ex wife.

Back to court best bet.

LittleMissNaice · 14/06/2019 18:39

Your other thread says your children are 8 and 13. Why on earth is the plan to continue this until the youngest is 19?? I think they'll be making their own plans by then.

Original poster
Dadwithquestions43 · 14/06/2019 19:02

I have them alternative weekends and 50% of school holidays - court order is in place until they are 19 unless discharged earlier - obviously the kids will have their own lives well before then but my concern is the potential damage that is being done now.

OP posts:
Angrybird123 · 14/06/2019 19:08

I'm assuming this is during the holidays? Might it be that they are different because they are on home turf, not sort of on their best behaviour visiting dads house which is the case eow and that you have to deal with them for longer stretches. You can't be Disney dad for weeks at a time so what you're getting is a dose of reality. Why aren't they staying at yours duru g this time?

jennymanara · 14/06/2019 19:17

Okay so you move into the house to look after them during the school holidays? I suspect without the routine of school, this may just be how they would be at your house. I can see for the kids that living in the same house over the school holidays would make it much easier to continue seeing friends and doing clubs, which is why I assume it is happening.
Unless you are being negative about it, in which case yes they will react to how you are.

theWarOnPeace · 14/06/2019 19:17

What are your actual concerns about damaging them? In what way is damage manifesting itself? What is your preferred alternative? Was this decided so that kids can keep up with clubs etc/travel less or something? So every two weekends they go to you, and every eight they stay home and you go to them? I don’t think it’s that awful in principle. Kids are always having to lug their stuff between parent’s homes and missing out on clubs and things with their friends. Maybe this is potentially a nice alternative to that. Without context I would say this is actually less disruptive, but we don’t know as your post doesn’t give any detail.

jennymanara · 14/06/2019 19:18

But yes you are AIBU to say they will be mentally scarred. That is hyperbole.

Waveysnail · 14/06/2019 19:20

And they cant stay at your house?

theWarOnPeace · 14/06/2019 19:24

Ohh my goodness, I just read your other thread. Ha! Ha... ha... oh bloody hell. You have your kids alternate weekends but you are angry with your ex for getting a childminder to go out on a weeknight - because YOU would never do it. Easy to say when you never actually have them on school nights. You’re hilarious. Not in a good way.

JoJoSM2 · 14/06/2019 19:29

Sounds a bit weird but what do you think is damaging about it? It sounds like you just have a weekend together in the house they grew up in. Maybe you're just projecting your frustration with the set up?

GetTheStartyParted · 14/06/2019 19:31

I have also just seen the other thread. You look after your children for 2 nights out of 14 but you're angry that your ex got adequate childcare to have a night off. The night off was to celebrate a personal achievement and you begrudge her that. How about parenting your children as a team and offering to help out when needed then a childminder wouldn't be required.

I'm unsure about the whole situation outlined here. It seems strange but it was court ordered so I'm presuming there was a reason for it. Do you live far away? Do the children have sports or other commitments that they don't want to miss each time they visit?

Original poster
Dadwithquestions43 · 14/06/2019 19:43

Not school holidays - only during term time and it is due to distance but my concerns stem from the fact that the children are noticeably more stressed during these weekends. The house is hers and it is artificial for me to be there and her move out and I believe it makes it harder for the children to come to terms with separation. I am flexible and have flexed on my time to attend local weekends activities but the court felt this was the best decision, left us a clause to negotiate if both parties agree but the ex feels it's in the children's best interests to keep to the court order even though it means she has to move out. I have even offered to reduce these weekends to day visits which has been rejected.

OP posts:
Angrybird123 · 14/06/2019 19:48

I'm sure it's a little disconcerting for them because you probably have different rules etc. It's more their house than yours so they might not see why you get to be in charge there. It's not ideal but frankly nothing about split parenting is. I honestly think the difference you see is them not being in best behaviour for their visits to your place. They are on their own turf. To suggest they are mentally scarred is ridiculous. I'm not of the 'kids are so resilient" camp, I actually think divorce screws then up more than we are willing to admit but I'm really not sure what you're argument is here.

theWarOnPeace · 14/06/2019 19:52

So sounds like it’s best for them because of distance etc and you’re finding undefined reasons as to why it’s a terrible idea. They’re “stressed”, in what way?

On your other thread you were dead wrong. I’ve got a feeling you’re making things difficult when they don’t need to be.

SoyDora · 14/06/2019 19:54

Had a fall out with the ex today have you?

Qsandmore · 14/06/2019 19:59

I really don’t get why doing a term time weekend every 8 weeks in her house would be ordered if you do all the other alternative weekends at yours.

Could you walk the whole arrangement through again???

Alternate weekends - yours
50% holiday - yours
1 weekend every 8 weeks you move into hers for no apparent reason??

Sounds bonkers Confused

ComeAndDance · 14/06/2019 20:05

There must have been another reason for her to ask for that.
I mean on her POV, it’s a total pain in arse. She has to move out for the weekend and find another place to stay. You are staying in HER house.
I wouodnt want that to happen unless there was some very good reasons.

The ‘disruption’ explanation isn’t good enough.
I wouod want to know

  • have you moved quite far away
  • have you used that as an excuse to stop the dcs from attending their after school activities/seeing their friends
  • do you tend to just drop the dcs with someone else when they stay at your house
  • is your house unsafe for the ?
Thuglife · 14/06/2019 20:12

I can’t get my head around this situation at all . I haven’t seen your other thread (is it wrong to ask what it’s called?) but I can’t understand why your ex would agree to this, I can think of nothing worse than having to allow Dd’s Dad to be in my house whilst I was where? In a TraveLodge or such like? I can’t see this being sustainable long term.

nauseous5000 · 14/06/2019 20:14

I don't understand. EOW and half of school hols, but once every 8 weeks you do a weekend at hers? Can you pls explain why? I think then we can prob advise...

And the "stressed" thing... trying to put myself in their position I would be irritated rather than stressed that someone has moved into my house just for a few days and has completely different rules that they want to enforce in MY house.

janetforpresident · 14/06/2019 20:17

It's not clear why it matters so much that they be in the marital home every 8 weeks but presumably with you at your new home the other 3 weekends they see you. Can you explain further.

But I do agree it will make it harder for them to accept the separation.