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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my kids are being mentally scarred...?

49 replies

Dadwithquestions43 · 14/06/2019 18:26

AIBU to think my kids are being mentally scarred by the fact that every eight weeks I move back into the former marital home (by way of a court order not my choice) for the weekend and the ex moves out. The kids are different children from when they stay at my house and I am really concerned about their long-term welfare being subjected to the stress this causes. It was the ex's suggestion and offer during the court order and will continue for the next 11 years and the ex is refusing to negotiate? Honest opinions welcome

OP posts:

BackforGood · 14/06/2019 20:20

This is SUCH a strange arrangement / agreement, I think you are going to have to explain why it is in place.

MsJaneAusten · 14/06/2019 20:21

You want to see them just for a day rather than overnight? And you’re cross that your ex got an overnight childminder recently?

You’re not a fan of her having a social life are you?

sergeilavrov · 14/06/2019 20:28

Hm in your other thread I asked about the state of your relationship, to understand if you're reasonable. If you have concerns and want opinions, put everything in on thread and you'll get educated, honest feedback with all of the relevant context.

Sounds like you've had a fall out. I do hope your ex isn't on here to see this all... why not just talk to her if something has happened instead of passive aggressive mumsnet posts?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 14/06/2019 20:29

It sounds a strange thing to do but your ex is obviously willing to go through a serious amount of hassle (and expense????) for it to happen so she must think it is worth it. And she sees your kids a lot more than you so presumably is closer to the impact.

What was the reason given in court? Is the journey very long and tiring?

Or do the kids do activities at the weekends maybe? A lot of clubs get very fed up with people who only attend 50% of the time (so they don’t ever get picked for matches) but if you can bump it up to 5 in 8 then you might just about get away with it.

WhiteRedRose · 14/06/2019 20:32

I doubt she's 'moving out' as such OP, rather more enjoying a nice well earned weekend off every few weeks.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 14/06/2019 20:57

So are you saying that you go to your old house every other weekend, and your ex moves out? Is it because your living conditions are unsuitable at the moment? What happens during the 50% of school holidays - where do you go then? Help us understand.

codemonkey · 14/06/2019 21:02

Deliberately disingenuous question. How can anyone respond in a useful way.

BabyDueDecember2019 · 14/06/2019 21:03

I'm confused!

slipperywhensparticus · 14/06/2019 21:09

So you want less contact with your children? ,wow no wonder they are unsettled your disinterest is showing

jennymanara · 14/06/2019 21:09

The court must have agreed this for a reason. But OP you have not told us the reason because you just want everyone to agree with you.

LittleLongDog · 14/06/2019 22:07

What was the reason the court gave for this set up?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 14/06/2019 22:17

I think it will be as stressful for them as you make it.

If you are angry and discontented and keep muttering and ruminating and working on them to request a different arrangement, it will be stressful and traumatic for them.

If you are calm and cheerful and make the best of the situation, it will not be stressful for them. They will avoid wasting their weekend travelling, will still see their friends, do their chosen activities, and sleep in their own beds.

SD1978 · 14/06/2019 22:31

Can you clarify a bit more this set up? So you have the children at your home for 2 nights a fortnight, after they have been there 3 times, you then stay in the ex marital home for one weekend, then the next three weekends are your home miles away? Why? What was the rational? What reason was given in court? Why do you do it or not want to do it?

Thehop · 14/06/2019 22:34

Go back to court

Self represent so costs are minimal

This is nuts.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/06/2019 22:36

On your other thread you were cross that their mum disrupt their routine by having them babysat overnight one night.

Are you trying to create some sort of situation where you take ex to court for all the (nom existant) upheaval she is creating by having one frigging night off ever?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/06/2019 22:38

Ops other thread

slipperywhensparticus · 14/06/2019 22:40

Why go back to court for LESS contact with the kids? I'm not understanding your rational here? He doesn't want more contact he wants his ex wife to get back in the kitchen and watch the kids herself not go out and have fun

OwlBeThere · 14/06/2019 22:52

mentally scarred.....give over. there are kids living in war zones, who don't have any permanent home, whose parents are dead, etc etc THOSE kids might be mentally scarred.
If you didn't like the arrangement and the court ordered it anyway, they clearly judged it was in the children's best interest so the opposite of mentally scarring.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 14/06/2019 22:55

They're 8 and 13 from memory? I'm pretty sure they'll be ok, depending on how you approach it. It all sounds a little acrimonious.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 14/06/2019 23:03

I think they will be mentally scarred by their parents being vile to each other instead of responsibly co-parenting together like adults for the sake of the children.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/06/2019 00:44

This sounds like an odd set up, but if both a judge and your ex agree on it I think there must be a reason?

user1473878824 · 15/06/2019 00:49

Sorry, you offered to see your children less and you’re cross no one took you up on that? Bet they can’t wait to laud you on Sunday.

MustShowDH · 15/06/2019 21:15

I understand it being a pain in the arse for you and your ex, but its probably fine for the kids as they don't have to leave their 'home'.
The only thing that they might pick up on is the pair of you being in a bad mood about the arrangement.
I saw your other thread too.

You and your ex need to find a way to put the kids first.
No point scoring, no resentment, just try to find a way of making it work.

TheFatberg · 15/06/2019 21:17

Suggest you'd be better off with Fathers for Justice than Mumsnet.

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