Eat it or leave it - AIBU?

[KnittingForMittens]

I am a Mum of 1 who cooks from scratch 95% of the time. However my DS who is nearly 3 is very, very fussy with food and he will refuse to eat home cooked meals. I make child friendly meals like pasta, homemade burgers and chips, mild chicken curries, bangers and mash, omelette and salad, etc. but he refuses to eat any of it! The only things he will eat are frozen convenience foods like chicken nuggets, garlic bread, lamb burger from the packet. He refuses to eat any vegetables as well. He eats fruit but he will not touch veg. He used to love peas but now he spits it out and goes "yuck yuck"

I have had enough of it now. I always make home cooked food, I serve us all a portion and he just won't touch it. His typical meal plan is porridge for breakfast, an oat bar for snack, ham sandwich and a banana for lunch, pear or another fruit for snack, then dinner along with yoghurt for pudding and a cup of milk before going to bed except he will not eat dinner. I'm trying to set a good example by making proper nutritious meals but it clearly is not working and starting to make me realise that those who shop at Iceland and buying convenience food is because their kids are more likely to eat it

I am worried that I am being horrible by not giving him anything else to eat but I do not want to have to cook two separate meals all the time just because he refuses to eat it. My Mum always said if I didn't eat my food then I'd have to go bed starving... Perhaps that's old school but it clearly didn't do me no harm.

It sounds like he eats plenty so I don't think you should worry about it. It's just what children do, they are learning about the world and they know they have no power so they exert it over the few things they can control, like food.

At one point my 2+3 yo had their meal from a lunch box! Ate the lot every time!

Totally normal at that age. Serve the food, he eats it or doesnt. If he doesnt clear away. If hungry offer toast only. My dd usually now eats whats given. Sometimes she doesnt so its toast or nothing. Sometimes they hungry sometimes they not.

You are NBU in expecting DC to try what you have cooked, but try not to get into a battle about the fact that you have cooked it. That means nothing to a young child. I also wouldn't send him to bed hungry but I would offer something boring like bread if he won't eat what you cook. And keep modelling good behaviours. Sit down, eat with him and and make sure that you eat a bit of everything at every meal.

There's a lot of advice online for fussy eaters, but I think the key thing is to ensure one thing on the plate is something they like, and just ignore them eating. Don't congratulate or encourage. Just serve up your chosen meal with 2 chicken nuggets extra and have a conversation about the day.

If DS2 doesn't want to eat the food I give him that's up to him, but I don't make anything else. I do however tend to include something with each meal that I know he likes (e.g. fruit, yoghurt or whatever) but serve it with the meal rather than as pudding.

Is he underweight? If not, then he's not starving (though obviously important he gets vitamins etc not just calories).

A ham sandwich and a banana would be enough lunch for me... is his scaled down to child sized? Same with the porridge. I know that if there's nutritious food he will eat then the last thing you feel like doing with it is portion control, but it's possible that he's simply not all that hungry at dinner time.

I had a fussy eater so I know it's hard. One thing that may be a factor is that some small children don't like 'mixed up' food, not things in sauce. Cut up raw veg might be more likely to be tried than cooked - make yourself a pot of crudités and let him try them if he wants, that sort of thing, casual familiarity not a battleground iyswim?

And I don't 'make' him eat anything or create a fuss. He's got a lot better at trying/ eating new things this way (now 5).

I think almost all kids go through this.

The most important thing is not to bend to the fussiness, as much as you want an easy life if you give in then it will make it worse in the long run.

I bought DS a special plate that encouraged eating by having a surprise treat at the end, very similar to this.

He would get served whatever we were having, if he didn’t eat it that was fine, there was no arguing or trying to talk him into it, but he wouldn’t get anything else.
I would give him extra milk at bed time but no alternative food.

He never starved.
There were a few ‘i’m hungry’ tantrums but eventually he learned that what I served was the only option and he would eat some of it.

He’s a bread fiend so I would never have given toast as an alternative and he would have preferred that to anything else on offer.

He’s now 12 and will eat almost anything you put in front of him.

Hi op,how did he get a taste for the frozen processes food?

Totally what dreaming said

“I think the key thing is to ensure one thing on the plate is something they like, and just ignore them eating.”

Also put a little of something they’re not sure about on their plate and tell them just to leave it if they don’t want it. Apparently they’ll try it after the 13th time it’s there.

I think hes doing quite well for a 3 year old actually!.Porridge is a healthy and quite filling breakfast for a little one .He then eats ham sandwiches and fruit /yoghurt for lunch !.Thats quite a bit really.My daughter was (and still is!) an incredibly fussy eater ,I remember the doctor saying" no child ever starved themselves !".If you get into a battle about it then it will become an issue .If he refuses his supper just do toast or another sandwich.He will grow out of it !

We're in a similar position. We just serve her what were having. It's very frustrating!

@KarmaStar - you're at risk of sounding a bit goady. Do you have any advice?

It may well just be a phase, OP. My son is generally a terrific eater, but went through a picky stage at that age. Keep up the good work!

I think a lot of it is to do with power: your son has noticed he can control your responses when it comes to food. Try not to react too negatively and just keep offering a range of healthy foods as you're doing.

Karmastar - why does it matter? It's pretty obvious you just want to feel smug and point out the OP that the kid shouldn't have got a taste for it in the first place.

At some point in life EVERYBODY has resorted to beige freezer food - it may only have been once due to extenuating circumstances, but it happens nonetheless.

OP, just keep calm about the refusal. Serve food in dishes on the middle do the table. Try to include at least one thing that he will usually eat. Let him serve himself, and try hard not to pass comment on what he does or does not eat - and don't resort to using "nice" foods as bribery / rewards for eating.

My 3 yo will not eat dinner if he eats anything after about 2pm. It does mean that I spend all afternoon being asked for snacks, but he will eat better at dinner if he's hungry. I also try and keep snacks to be 'real food' eg. Cheese, ham, bread, pasta, chicken etc so that at least what he does eat during the day could constitute a meal if it was all on the same plate!

I remember when my exH and I separated he demanded I take our then four year old DS to the GP because he was such a fussy eater and it ‘wasn’t normal’. The GP almost laughed me out of the room, he said his children were exactly the same and it definitely is completely normal.

DS is now nine and has grown out of it for the most part. He still will not touch tomatoes at all but he never has done, even as a baby!

offer something boring like bread if he won't eat what you cook

As a child I was a super-fussy eater and absolutely loved bread. Some days I literally ate nothing but bread. I had a panic attack at primary school when they tried to make me eat school dinners and never ate them. I was falling asleep in class because I was so hungry, but I still wouldn't eat. My mum had to get a note from the paediatrician for me to be allowed a packed lunch - which usually consisted of bread!!

I started eating more normally from about age 9 and from about 17 I would eat anything.

My cousin on the other hand, was a very good eater as a child, but is now extremely fussy as an adult and seems to survive on sweet snacks, so you never know how it will turn out.

Second the advice on having one foodstuff they will eat on the plate, serving family meals and not commenting on what they eat. Thus is in line with the Division of Responsibility principles which have made mealtimes stress free since my almost four year old got fussy age 2. See www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/how-to-feed/the-division-of-responsibility-in-feeding/
If you want support and advice in following this approach join the mealtime hostage Facebook group

Are you sure he's hungry enough to eat at dinner time?

Is there a large enough gap between lunch and dinner or his last snack and dinner?

My DS went through a phase where all he would eat for dinner was fish bites, cucumber and red pepper. For about 10 months!

Then he started eating normally again.

You say oat bars. Are you making them? You can add grated courgette and carrot to them. We make these cheaptastyandeasy.wordpress.com/oat-fingers/

Frozen stuff is ok in moderation, but if you’re wanting him to eat more homemade things could you try making your own chicken nuggets/burgers/garlic bread ect and gradually swap them with the frozen ones? So for example give him 2 frozen chicken nuggets and 1/2 a home made one and gradually give him more homemade so there’s no more frozen ones.

I’d also try as others have suggested by giving him what you’re eating with an extra chicken nugget/fish finger ect and not making a fuss if he doesn’t eat the other things and just get on with your meal. Also when he’s having a sandwich for dinner I’d cut up a few vegetable sticks and get some tortilla wraps and cheese and stuff so he can make his own wrap.

This article says ‘On average, a child needs to be offered a new food 15 times before he or she will eat it’

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-37642587

There is also some advice from the NHS here: www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/fussy-eaters/

All kids are different. If my daughter is being fussy, I say that there isn't anything else to eat. She will then eat her dinner with little fuss. My son, however, will refuse to eat anything if you put the wrong thing on his plate. Getting him to eat enough food has always been an issue. If I let them serve themselves, then he will sometimes try something new - and it allows him to arrange things on his plate in 'his' way. Go with whatever works for you and your family.