Eat it or leave it - AIBU?

[KnittingForMittens]

I am a Mum of 1 who cooks from scratch 95% of the time. However my DS who is nearly 3 is very, very fussy with food and he will refuse to eat home cooked meals. I make child friendly meals like pasta, homemade burgers and chips, mild chicken curries, bangers and mash, omelette and salad, etc. but he refuses to eat any of it! The only things he will eat are frozen convenience foods like chicken nuggets, garlic bread, lamb burger from the packet. He refuses to eat any vegetables as well. He eats fruit but he will not touch veg. He used to love peas but now he spits it out and goes "yuck yuck"

I have had enough of it now. I always make home cooked food, I serve us all a portion and he just won't touch it. His typical meal plan is porridge for breakfast, an oat bar for snack, ham sandwich and a banana for lunch, pear or another fruit for snack, then dinner along with yoghurt for pudding and a cup of milk before going to bed except he will not eat dinner. I'm trying to set a good example by making proper nutritious meals but it clearly is not working and starting to make me realise that those who shop at Iceland and buying convenience food is because their kids are more likely to eat it

I am worried that I am being horrible by not giving him anything else to eat but I do not want to have to cook two separate meals all the time just because he refuses to eat it. My Mum always said if I didn't eat my food then I'd have to go bed starving... Perhaps that's old school but it clearly didn't do me no harm.

How does he even know that he's not getting the frozen food? How can he taste the difference?

Keep on doing what you're doing, OP. He'll eat if he's hungry and don't offer anything else. Keep the fuss to a minimum so it doesn't become a battle/issue. You all tuck into yours, paying him and any nonsense no attention and remove plates at end of meal (eaten or uneaten). With some kids it becomes a power thing so important to deflect it.

That is interesting that kids will try something after being on their plate for 15 times. I have not found that to be the case with my fussy DS. I give him vegetable with every single dinner. He will not touch them. He is 23 months old and has been a dreadful eater since around 11 months. Before that he ate quite well while weaning.

He actually also doesnt like freezer food, otherwise I would give him that. No advice OP, I cry most mealtimes as he has started to refuse even his safe foods of pasta and meatballs. Just solidarity with a fellow fussy child

Serving themselves has been the sanity saver at this stage for me with all of mine, and my least fussy are my two youngest who’ve always seen/done serve themselves.

Sometimes it means they have half a plateful of carrots and no peas, sometimes they have lots to eat and sometimes very little, but it saved the battle ground that meals became with the eldest two.

My DD went through a phase of eating anything as long as it was presented on a cocktail stick.
Put on her plate and she would refuse.
You are not alone, lots of DC go through this phase. I would be inclined to go with it as he will almost certainly grow out of it.

My Dd ate anything up to the age of 2, then from 2-4 would only eat ham, cheese and fishfingers.

When people say its a phase, how long should it be lasting? DS has eaten poorly for most of his life now...

@FilthyforFirth
Does your DS get involved and help to make things?
Mine love making chicken nuggets/fish bites, bashing up the cornflakes for the coating.

@trumpalump he is 23 months, so no not really. I baked with him once but it didnt go that well and he wasnt super interested. Perhaps I can try again with him and dinner.

I'm just worried he is setting himself up for a lifetime of poor eating, but I am on thr anxious side so probably being ridiculous. It just pains me, I have done everything 'right' but he is still a poor eater.

As pp have said: Small portions of what everyone else is having, include something he will eat, allow him to serve himself, ignore whilst eating, don't comment on what he does or doesn’t eat, only offer bread/ toast as an alternative.

Don't "hide" food in other foods as he will then either try to separate them or simply refuse what the disliked food is hidden in.

Frozen foods feel safe to children because they consistently taste the same as last time, and are usually in the form of dryish, unique pieces, so don't have several tastes and textures, like e.g. curry.
When cooking things like curry you could try keeping back a little of the chicken to cook separately and offering plain chicken and the sauce as two separate items.

Try to him involved in cooking meals so he gets used to handling a wider variety of foods. As with mealtimes, don't comment on whether he eats the ingredients or finished items.

Children of that age don’t eat like adults. They pick. And that’s ok as long as they have a balanced intake overall.

If you document what he eats over a three day period you will probably find that he’s eating fairly well.

I wouldn’t offer an alternative. Sometimes they’re not hungry. Don’t overwhelm him with a big meal, just put a little bit of everything on his plate and don’t make a big deal of it, take it away if he doesn’t eat it. Just give him what you’re having.

If you give him highly palatable, processed food he probably will eat it whether he’s hungry or not but nutrition wise it’s pretty useless.

The biggest mistake people make is to stop serving something when the kid doesn’t eat it.

And let him play with the food and explore it!

I've got huge eating issues as a result of two things:

Physical issues - sliding hiatus hernia (always had it, makes swallowing some things really hard), really sensitive gag reflex and I gag HARD...

Psychological issues - mealtimes were a BATTLE, meal times are associated with high anxiety, fear, deep distress - even now at nearly 40 I can be back there aged 3 at the drop of a hat or a single stupid comment.

Being forced to eat stuff that made me gag or I could not swallow, or the taste of them made me feel sick.... I can still remember that now, it didn't do me any good it did serious harm.

So if you plan on putting out food you KNOW your child current dislikes or does not want to try AND NOTHING ELSE... then yes, YABU and I hope the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits forever more. Thats horrid.

If you plan on putting out a selection of foods, some of which you know your child will eat, some you don't know, some you are fairly sure they won't, and you plan on saying NOTHING ELSE ABOUT IT and just letting them explore...

YANBU at all.

I do get really upset at some of these threads on food and toddlers - I get they need to eat, I get that its frustrating, but seriously.. we are allowed to NOT LIKE stuff. I bet there's stuff each adult on this thread does not like and would not touch with someone elses bargepole.

I bet also there are things adults on this thread like now, but 5 or 10 years ago, did not like. Tastes do change.

Please don't make food a cause for distress and anxiety.

When people say its a phase, how long should it be lasting? DS has eaten poorly for most of his life now...

It will probably just get better over the course of years, not months.

I'm just worried he is setting himself up for a lifetime of poor eating, but I am on thr anxious side so probably being ridiculous. It just pains me, I have done everything 'right' but he is still a poor eater.

Been there, done that, ended up with a very healthy young adult who still won't eat a few things but generally chooses well. Kids being fussy eaters after weaning is normal, and parents being pained by it is normal too!

I'm sorry you have food issues @WiddlinDiddlin. There is a line though, my son refuses all vegetables. I dont believe he dislikes every single vegetables should I just stop offering them? He needs to eat something of nutritional value and while he eats fruit very well, he clearly needs a balanced diet. I put vegetables on his plate every dinner time. Mostly I leave them there in the hopes he will try himself, a few times a week I will actively put some on his fork and suggest he tries it.

I dont cry in front of him,I disappear into the kitchen to do that.

It is hard, my DS is one of 6 in his generation and they are all such good eaters, just makes me feel worse. I dont give him crap from the freezer, I make home cooked meals, I always offer veg and I try something new once a week. Still, he will eat meatballs and pasta.

Sorry for the derail OP. This is an issue which really upsets me.

I agree with PP that he's a bit young to take any sort of lesson of whether you hand reared, slaughtered and cooked your own meat or bought every last bit from Iceland.

YOU know it's healthy, but he's way off appreciating that.

I got fixated on a certain meal aged 6 because it was a story - Humpty Dumpty on a plate with mash, egg and broccoli trees, pea grass. I ate nothing else for dinner for months! Not varied, but I snapped out of it and now eat a hugely varied diet.

I think pushing your own stuff on him is more likely to set him up for a lifetime of poor eating.

My family was like yours. We always had homemade food and were told how lucky we were (when dm discovered pizzas, she would only buy the bases so she could check what was on top) . Problem was that actually, although I was quite an adventurous child when it came to trying things, I didn't actually like their taste. So I was labelled as fussy, whereas my siblings, who wouldn't even try something new, liked the standard food, so were considered easy to feel.

I loose hunger after a certain time, and not long either. I'd win every time on a battle of "eat this or starve". I'd rather starve than eat something I really don't like. One of my dc is the same.

All the things I disliked as a child and was made to eat, I now can't eat without a physical reaction. Dh only had two things as a child he didn't like. He had to have them if they were served up. He won't touch them now, even though he eats similar enough things for me to think if he'd not been forced as a child that he'd probably like them now.

There's something very frustrating as a child, eating your homemade pack lunch with your parents saying how lucky you are that you have homemade cake/sandwiches/healthy water while actively disliking what you have. Actually all that taught me was how to dispose of entire pack lunches quietly without the parents realising.

'My Mum always said if I didn't eat my food then I'd have to go bed starving... Perhaps that's old school but it clearly didn't do me no harm.' - there's your answer. I had that too!

Letting him dictate what he eats is bad for him. You are the adult, not him. I'm sure my own kids would have asked for chocolate biscuits drizzled with syrup for breakfast if they thought I'd serve it!

If any of mine took against just one element, like a particular vegetable, I'd say nothing but miss it out when serving, and in time Junior would ask why I didn't give them carrots of whatever any more.

You are making good food and he needs to eat it. He is too young to choose.
Besides, he should be aspiring to eat 'Mommy and Daddy dinner', not 'baby dinner'.

I put vegetables on his plate every dinner time. Mostly I leave them there in the hopes he will try himself, a few times a week I will actively put some on his fork and suggest he tries it.

Have you tried just putting a couple Vegs in bowls on the table? Let him serve himself

I had a “eat it or starve” childhood and have huge food issues that I’m determined not to have with mine.

Serve yourself also helps me remember that they won’t eat exactly that same amount every day - I was very guilty of forgetting that one.

had a nephew who went through a phase where he would only eat pizza - so Mum cooked the family meal as usual then served his on a pizza base with a sprinkle of grated cheese on top, which he would then eat. Always thought this was exemplary parenting....

No I havent tried that. He still eats in his highchair. We only eat together at the table at the weekend and he is still in his highchair then. Maybe I need to get one of those booster seats for the regular chairs and have him sit at the table everyday.

I think most kids try this, I know mine did it once each.
I just put the food in the fridge and reheated the next day. They didn't continue being fussy as there was nothing else.

You might find it makes a big difference. Especially when you eat together. Even my fussiest can’t bear to be the only one that doesn’t have something!

Oh @FilthyforFirth please don't worry. He's very little. My DS was 3 when he went through his phase like that. Generally speaking they are going to eat properly at some point. Different kids, different times. Try to relax and not worry so much

thank you everyone for your replies. I really hope he does grow out of it lol. I am sure he will, it just drives me crazy but I will just have to persevere for now. As for the poster who said why has he got a taste for convenience foods... well he has been to McDonald's, I have given him chicken nuggets from the freezer... I'm afraid I'm not a perfect mother!