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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To remove my son from nursery

45 replies

zoegawley2012 · 13/06/2019 23:00

My son is the kid that pushes bites throws and hits at nursery today I was handed 4 incident forms due to his behaviour. He is 3 with non verbal asd and his behaviour is getting worse at home and at nursery. There are things being put into place to better support him at nursery but like all things it takes time . I don’t think my need for respite overtakes the other kids need to feel safe or the parents need to know there safe at nursery I think it’s time to remove him But no one thinks it’s for the best as I won’t get respite ( am heavily pregnant) I just don’t know what to do I really need opinions and advice especially those who have been there
Thanks
I really do hate autism:(

OP posts:

Gooseygoosey12345 · 13/06/2019 23:02

I have nothing constructive to add, I don't know what's the best thing to do, just didn't want to read and run. I hope someone comes along with some advice. I really feel for you

Starlight456 · 13/06/2019 23:03

I would ask for a meeting with the nursery Senco. Yes children are getting hurt but your dd is also struggling so see what can be put in place now .

Bouncingbelle · 13/06/2019 23:04

As mum to a non-verbal probable asd 2 year old, i would want you to remove your child as i would be worried about my own vulnerable childs safety. If it were my child behaving like that, i would think that nursery wasnt meeting his needs at that time and remove him until more support was in place.
Sorry.

Starlight456 · 13/06/2019 23:04

Ds not dd

mummyhaschangedhername · 13/06/2019 23:06

I took my son out, similar circumstances. It was used against me later in a "mother doesn't assure son attends regularly" even though I discussed it before hand. To be honest it just wasn't an easy ride until much after on, I needed up moving house to get a better school.

Does you son have a statement/EHCP? That would be my first thought. It probably won't be the easiest to get but if your son has an existing diagnosis and behaviour is unmanageable then you should be able to get one.i don't know the process in England though, although I can help withal advice if your in Wales.

CallMeRachel · 13/06/2019 23:07

i would want you to remove your child as i would be worried about my own vulnerable childs safety

That's really unfair and probably against nursery policy. They will have an inclusion policy, they cannot exclude on grounds of autism and neither should op have to remove her son.

Staff should have training in non verbal communication to help him communicate.

Original poster

zoegawley2012 · 13/06/2019 23:17

In Scotland if that helps he’s getting asl support which will hopefully mean 1-1 time but it takes time to sort. It’s not just the biting etc when he hurts himself no one knows so he often comes home covered it cuts etc

OP posts:

Mac47 · 13/06/2019 23:18

There are things they can do more quickly! Are they actually putting interventions in place, or waiting for someone to do it for them?
I appreciate your concern for other children, but you also have an obligation to your own child first and foremost. If his behaviour is like this at home and your LA do not provide sufficient home support, I would keep him in the setting and push for EP involvement, inclusion funding and an EHC plan if appropriate. If he is out of the setting, they will make you wait longer as they cannot assess his educational needs as easily, so you will be fobbed off.

boobybum · 13/06/2019 23:18

Hi,

You might want to post on/ask for this to be moved to the SN chat or SN children section.

Definitely look into an EHCP if you haven’t already and don’t let nursery fob you off saying he’s too young.

Mac47 · 13/06/2019 23:20

Ah just read your post, I don't know Scottish funding streams and external agencies I'm afraid, so unsure if my post applies in Scotland. However, the principles should be the same.

PanannyPanoo · 13/06/2019 23:34

I am unfamiliar with the scotish system, so this may be irrelevant. In England there are opportunity groups which provide places for children with Special needs. They are generally small groups with highly qualified staff and run for morning or afternoon sessions, so don't have the same flexibility as a nursery placement, but will give you some respite.

If he gets 1:1 support I would hope that the current difficulties would be resolved.
Does he have an understanding of what is happening during the day - schedules, transition prompts etc. Does he have a low arousal place that he can go to? Pop up tent etc. Nurserys are manic and confusing at the best of times, it's vital that he feels safe and in control.

Is there a pattern to his behaviour? Can you pinpoint when it started getting worse?

In England children can start at Special School from age 2. Could this be an option, they offer nursery sessions with small classes a ahigh level of support and purpose built buildings.

Original poster

zoegawley2012 · 14/06/2019 00:11

There’s not much put in place in terms of support at home and nursery yet. It’s true that him being at nursery had helped with his assessments but it’s getting to much now am tried of being judged and glared at

OP posts:

PanannyPanoo · 14/06/2019 01:36

He could well be feeling totally overwhelmed and his only way to demonstrate this is to lash out.

It really shouldn't take much time for the staff to put in place things that will help him. A meeting to discuss the way forwards should be enough for eveyone to put things into place.

Sadly as a mum to a child with ASD being judged and glared at, as well as having to fight for the best for him is something you may soon become accustomed to.

It is not your little boys fault that he is behaving this way though and effective support needs to be put in place.

Does he use PECs or makaton? or have any form of communication other than his behaviour?

Notanotheruser111 · 14/06/2019 01:44

Keep him in and give them a chance to put measures in place to improve things. If the nursery were unsupportive or unhelpful I would say pull him out but it sounds like they are trying just waiting on funding.

Talk to your nursery about whether it would be possible to drop a bit late and pick up slightly early to avoid the other parent looks.

Underhisi · 14/06/2019 05:53

I would keep pushing for more support or if you think they are useless look for a better nursery. Don't pull your child out because of other people.

makingmammaries · 14/06/2019 06:35

Being judged and glared at comes with the terrain, OP, because those who haven’t been in your position haven’t a clue. My son was ‘that’ child for years. A colleague with a daughter in the same year gleefully related the gossip from the school disco. I just had to toughen up, and so will you, since you can’t get away from this issue. If it helps to take your DS out for a while, you can, but it doesn’t solve the bigger issue.

hazeyjane · 14/06/2019 07:29

If they are not able to support him through this and try and prevent him from injuring himself and others, apart from incident forms, then I would be looking for another setting.

Even without 1-1 funding they should be talking to you about how they can best support him and keep him and the other children safe.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/06/2019 07:30

If the staff are judging and glaring over a child with autism.
Perhaps they've chosen the wrong career.

wonderingsoul · 14/06/2019 07:43

I work in a nursery, children that bite and push are part of the job and isnt something new.

Unless you are worried about how the staff are treating your son dont remove him.

Talk with the staff, see if they are giving him one to one, and what else they can do to help.

I know as aparent it can be hard and you dont want your child to be the bitter or be bitten, but honestly theve seen it all before and isnt out of the realms of "normal" behaviour even from nt children

PenguinWings · 14/06/2019 07:50

Our DS2 has ASD and has improved so much at nursery. They arranged for an educational psychologist to come and see him and also gave him 1:1 time without any additional funding until things settled down a bit. I'd suggest having a meeting with the nursery sendco.
And forget the people giving you funny looks- some of them will be feeling sympathetic and not knowing how to help. Some of them will be idiots who have no idea what is going on so you can exclude them from your attention.
Good luck

Original poster

zoegawley2012 · 14/06/2019 07:50

He has a meeting coming up when everyone comes together so I’d see what’s said. It’s a good idea to drop him of late and pick him up early

OP posts:

stucknoue · 14/06/2019 07:58

Is there a specialist nursery school he can start in September? Dd went to a preschool that catered for special needs and had aba therapy

geekone · 14/06/2019 08:00

The Scottish system is shit. They are really good at burying their heads and not doing anything until the child is a school and they can ‘test properly’ saves on funding.

OP I am so sorry this is happening to you. I think you are probably worried that the other mums are talking about you and your DS and that’s why you want to take him out. Please don’t, the nursery have a duty of care to your DS and the other kids that they need to uphold. If you take him out now you might have problems with the local council moving forward and trying to get things in place.
It’s all very postcode dependant hopefully you are in a big city not at the arse end of nowhere.
Good luck op

OhForkItThen · 14/06/2019 08:23

I removed my asd child and she was so different without the stress, I ended up more relaxed with her around all the time. She developed speech at 4 and drastically reducing the lashing out and temper fast. She was just in such a state of stress with the confusion and sensory input of nursery

The big but... I went on to home Ed. If you remove now it may affect school preparation, ehcp etc and meetings with professionals. The downside of removal is I haven’t met a professional since except for medical needs

Original poster

zoegawley2012 · 14/06/2019 08:25

It’s true they have a duty of care but there comes a time when enough is enough. As far as am aware there is no other nursery for him to go to. We are in Edinburgh if anyone knows of anywhere

OP posts:

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