To remove my son from nursery

[zoegawley2012]

My son is the kid that pushes bites throws and hits at nursery today I was handed 4 incident forms due to his behaviour. He is 3 with non verbal asd and his behaviour is getting worse at home and at nursery. There are things being put into place to better support him at nursery but like all things it takes time . I don’t think my need for respite overtakes the other kids need to feel safe or the parents need to know there safe at nursery I think it’s time to remove him But no one thinks it’s for the best as I won’t get respite ( am heavily pregnant) I just don’t know what to do I really need opinions and advice especially those who have been there
Thanks
I really do hate autism:(

That’s the only reason he’s still there we need support with school and at home and it’s harder to get if he wasn’t already there ( school nursery )

Never remove your child from anywhere because of what other parents think.

Tough one OP. As a teacher I think it might be more manageable at nursery with SEN provision (e.g. sensory space, quiet area, smaller children to move around) but you really need to get on to EHCP arrangements for school.

As much as schools and teachers would love to include all children, having to evacuate entire classrooms multiple times weekly due to an unsupported (thanks to cuts to LA funding) ASD child throwing chairs seriously affects the well-being and education of the other 29 children in the class.

There are things being put into place to better support him at nursery but like all things it takes time

They are failing your son and the other children.

Ask for an urgent meeting with the SENCO to discuss how they’re going to ensure measures are quickly put in place.

I'd second the meeting with the nursery. Make sure they're putting enough procedures in place to help your child.

My kids are neurotypical and I think they benefit greatly from being around those who are not. It's important to me that my kids learn we are not all the same and grow to have empathy, love and support for others. So, IF and that's the biggest if, your son can get what he needs from the nursery then I think you should keep him in.

The only instance in which I would agree you need to remove him is if the nursery is not able to meet his needs. It's about your child now OP, not what the other parents think.

We don’t have senco I think that’s what asl is?

I just want to say that my DD was the “victim” of a SEN child biting her during Reception. I never ever felt I have to judge the parents, the boy in question was actually a sweet and quite one, he bit when he got frustrated and had speech problems as well.

I felt lucky as the school put measures in immediately and also helped my DD to minimise situations biting could occur, they were both just 4 at that stage,

'I would want you to remove your child as I would be worried about my own vulnerable childs safety'

I wonder how you would feel if another parent said this to you one day about your DD.

As an SEN teacher of students who have an ASD diagnosis and have challenging behaviour, I echo what others have said. Our school takes kids from 3. We are well equipped and trained to help and support students and families. Get him and EHCP and try to get him into school. The nursery environment is probably a massive sensory overload for him and he is struggling to cope. All the best.

I don’t know about Scotland as I’m in England but I think it’s important that you get respite and it will be even more important when the new baby is here. Also your son should be getting benefit from nursery - it dosent sound like he is at present but a good nursery will be able to work with speech and language therapist and also help him develope his socialisation skills. He may need a more specialist nursery. Is it one attached to a school or a private one?

In England there is a part of the council that supports education for those with SEN and should be able to suggest appropriate provision. In my experience if you withdraw rather than stay in the system making a fuss it is much harder to get the support. If you withdraw their problem goes away so to speak. Does your son have a They may be able to signpost to the right bit at the council and write a letter about your sons needs. The nursery should also know the right council departments.

I hope you get the right support. Your son is just as deserving of nursery and an education as all the other children

I would remove him from that nursery as it sounds they aren't coping with him at all. I would perhaps look into alternative provision - especially at a nursery which specialises in children with SN. You might find he's easier to manage at home when you remove the stress of nursery.

Just seen it is a school nursery. The school should have a senco. If they don’t think they can meet your sons needs then they should be helping you navigate the processes to find a place with better provision and getting an EHCP (if they are what they have in Scotland)

zoegawley2012

I just wanted to add, are you sure the other parents are "judging" you and you're not projecting because you feel guilty about it?

Like a previous poster, my DD was badly hurt by a child with additional needs in Kindergarten. I never felt the parents (or indeed the child!) was to blame. DD still has an obvious scar and just accepts its part of her.

@reluctantbrit

My DS bit a child in Reception recently.
I was absolutely mortified and so upset that it happened. Reading what you've written about not judging the parents has almost brought me to tears because I'm sure, like me, most of us do the best we can to help our children to be kind and are so sad when these things happen. My son also is ASD, with sensory issues and speech delay.

My son attempted to befriend a little girl with significant sn when they started school. She was massively overwhelmed and needed to be left as quietly as possible to process the change. Whenever she saw ds, she would run over and hurt him, often quite badly. The school worked with him on how to behave around her and have worked continuously with her on coping and not being violent. She's come on so much in the last 9 months.

My initial reaction was 'I want my child to be safe at school', but for us it was a minor issue for two weeks, I would never want that to stop her from accessing school or mean her parents didn't get respite they needed. I also did not judge the child or her parents (I judged the system a bit, for putting her in a situation she wasn't coping with)

As mum to a non-verbal probable asd 2 year old, i would want you to remove your child as i would be worried about my own vulnerable childs safety.

But the OP’s child is vulnerable too. Other parents could say the same about your ASD child (if they were arseholes). Why should her child go and yours get to stay?

I believe the nursery are doing what they can to help him but he’s still not copeing. We take him to a play centre for kids with sen sometimes iam going ask about nursery’s see what the other parents did and where there kids went. I hate the thought of people thinking he’s a bad boy cos he’s not they don’t see him putting himself in s drawer biting himself he hurts himself more then he hurts others. They don’t see how much he so kind to our cat and loving ( she loves him due to him feeding her tasty food) he’s got so much good quality’s that people forget about

I’m a teacher in a school Nursery class (England)

I feel that at this point in the academic year, the staff should have built a relationship with your DS and worked out his triggers and developed some strategies for dealing with him.

The main issues in a Nursery classroom that I have observed over the years are transitions and the general business/over stimulation, and also dealing with the fact that they are one of many, so they have to tolerate delay in having their needs met, or communication issues- frustration at not being able to communicate their needs/wants (These all apply to NT as well as SN children)

They are logging incidents, so they should be able to see a pattern and identify his triggers, then go from there.

If it’s transitions then pre-warnings, timers, visual timetables, if it’s over stimulation then a quiet place for some timeout or even going on a little walk, if it’s sharing/turntaking/tolerating delay then sand-timers, social stories, can be effective. With communication difficulties they need to keep their language succinct, makaton, pecs/pictures/symbols, social stories.

Alaric - the next day after the first time the children all attended a class birthday party, incl. that little boy and most mum stayed. I was asked what had happened, the bruise in her cheek was quite noticeable. Before I could even open my mouth the mum quietly said “E bit her” and she tried to apologise profoundly while all of us mums tried to console her. Actually DD was just partnered up with him in a game. I have a lovely photo of the two hugging during some school event.

Our school has a SEN provision but the school’s goal is to socialise the children during non-academic times and the boy was good friend with the rest of the cohort until they all left last year.

If your settling is able to help, not only your child but teaches the other children tactics no parent should judge or fear. I learned a lot about SEN children during DD’s primary school years and not once did DD came home and uttered anything negative, she treated all of them like she did any other school mate.

Thanks for all your advice. We kept him off today he didn’t sleep well last night anyway so he needed to sleep but I had a talk with one of the nursery staff and feel ready for next week