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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking time off work for sick child.

32 replies

Singletomingle · 13/06/2019 12:57

Divorced and wondering how other seperated parents deal with taking time off to care for a sick child? Woke up this morning to a phone call from my ex-wife yelling at me demanding I take today off as DD had been sick in the night. I refused mainly due to her attitude but this is the first time the situation has come up. Neither of our jobs are more important than the other so what do others do? Take turns, stick to usual childcare arrangements or something else.

OP posts:
Tentativesteps133 · 13/06/2019 13:01

If she has been sick then you can't stick to the usual childcare arrangements as she won't be allowed to go to nursery/childminder.

The fairest way would be to take turns I guess, or if you do a 50/50 split during the working week then whoever has her when she's sick has the day off?

Nice that you 'refused' to take the day off thus forcing your ex-wife to.

Chucklecheeks1 · 13/06/2019 13:02

I do them all but then again my exh is an arse. Are you an arse too?

Nicknacky · 13/06/2019 13:05

Could you have taken today off? Is so then you should have put your ex’s attitude aside and looked after your child.

Gottalovesummer · 13/06/2019 13:08

Ah give the OP a break.

If it was the ex H yelling then you'd all be up in arms about it!

Why don't you have a calm discussion about the way forward? It will obviously happen again and would be good for all to have a plan in place.

nauseous5000 · 13/06/2019 13:09

My ex lives too far away to help, but he also didn't take time off when we were together. I think letting your ex's attitude stop you from stepping up to look after your daughter is kind of sad

JagerPlease · 13/06/2019 13:09

We have a discussion about who can take the day more easily, overall doing as close to 50/50 as possible. No different to when we were together really

newmomof1 · 13/06/2019 13:10

I would've expected her to take the day off as DC was already in her care.

It makes sense to me that if she's looking after children, she takes responsibility and if you are, then you do.
Unless she has something really important going on that she can't really miss, in which case she could've had a civil conversation with you where you could discuss arrangements and you could have collected DC if you were able to take the day.

You shouldn't have mentioned that you refused. If you were a woman everyone would be like 'yeah girl power' but because you're a man you'll be called misogynistic and irresponsible!

saraclara · 13/06/2019 13:11

My late husband and I took turns. We had similar jobs, so there was no logical priority for one or the other. Though obviously the turn taking wasn't so rigid as to not allow for a particularly important meeting for one of us etc

Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 13/06/2019 13:13

You can't keep the usual childcare if that's nursery or a child minder.
Lovely attitude toward your exw. I appreciate that you say she was shouting at you, but with a child together, you two are going to have to grow up and deal with each other civilly. Growing up with divorced parents who can't be civil is shit.
Talk through with her what the options are and see how you will approach it.
My DH and I generally split things quite equally to use annual leave/emergency leave in equal measure. We also have grandparent assistance if needed, but try not to milk that too much. Sometimes we split the day as DH works shifts. He"LL do the morning while I go into the office, then I come home at lunch and tag him out.
You need to discuss how you are going to deal with this when it arises again.

Original poster
Singletomingle · 13/06/2019 13:16

My ex's attitude was the main reason I didnt take today off she didnt even give me chance to answer before she started screaming at me though I appreciate I should have ignored that. I could have taken today off, I took a half term week off to cover child care and have 3 weeks in summer off for child care, but this is the first time this has come up.

OP posts:
Rememberallball · 13/06/2019 13:18

How many days has your ex taken off to care for sick DD prior to this episode? Perhaps her employers are beginning to talk about penalising her for excessive time off - or perhaps she has used up all her allowed paid parental leave?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 13/06/2019 13:20

Your poor child - can't even be poorly without her parents arguing over who doesn't get to look after her. She must feel really loved.

Tentativesteps133 · 13/06/2019 13:20

If you've taken time off to cover school holidays I'm shocked your child has managed to get through the past 5+ years without being ill! Super immune system! Or has your ex been covering it by taking leave herself or being a SAHP?

Looneytune253 · 13/06/2019 13:20

Do you have 50/50 arrangement OP? I would imagine then you take the day off work if it's your day and vice versa. Obv if you have an easier time taking a day off it wouldn't be unreasonable to do a few extras too as her employer may or may not be understanding

ghostyslovesheets · 13/06/2019 13:21

We try and take it in turns but we are practical if I have an urgent meeting when it’s my turn he covers - he’s self employed so often on site - then I cover - it’s called being co parenting adults

janetforpresident · 13/06/2019 13:21

Well why not send her a text saying you will take tomorrow off if needed and from now on take it in turns. That's the way we do it and most people I know.

Taking it when it falls on your allocated days is only fair if you have an equal number of weekdays and weekends. If one parent has all /most weekdays then that's surely not a fair system.

Original poster
Singletomingle · 13/06/2019 13:35

We have only been seperated 12 months and in those 12 months this is the first time I know of either being ill in that time. Since we split I have tried to avoid any argument and concentrated solely on the children whatever has happened. I admit in this case I should of risen above it again just took me by surprise I guess.

OP posts:
CornishMaid1 · 13/06/2019 13:39

How do you split custody? If you are 50/50 then it would seem fair that you each look after a sick DD while they are with whichever parent has custody, but with flexibility in case of a work issue (whether someone has an important meeting they can't miss etc).

If you are not 50/50 then either take turns or find a way to split it (one month on one off or fortnight on fortnight off), again with flexibility if you both get on enough to help each other out.

Original poster
Singletomingle · 13/06/2019 13:42

Custody arrangement was that I have them from Friday after school through till Sunday evening every weekend but its now every other weekend at her request.

OP posts:
whothedaddy · 13/06/2019 13:44

what about before you split up? Was your then wife the one who had to take time off?
I get why she was shouting on the phone, as much as it isn't acceptable, she was the one dealing with child vomit on her own. She took the night shift she was probably hoping you would take the day shift. Ideally in your situation these things would be done 50/50.
Refusing to take the day off out of childish spite because she shouted at you and you didn't like it is NOT putting your child first. I would say this to you whether you were male or female FWIW

hazell42 · 13/06/2019 13:45

Could she have been screaming because she had been up all night with a sick child?
Or because she had an important meeting at work and was worried about losing her job?
Or because she knows her husband is a bit of a dick and is unlikely to help out, and so had got herself worked up before she even called?
Or, you know, perhaps all 3?
She was clearly unreasonable shouting at you from a standing start, but you haven't exactly covered yourself in glory either.
Next time, try to be a grown up and decide together what is best for your child.
And now that you have had the opportunity to think about sick days (Why would you not have considered them before? Did you ever take time off when you were together) perhaps you could come up with a plan

hazell42 · 13/06/2019 13:53

Also, I bet there isn't one working mother in the country, divorced or not, who has not considered what they would do if their kids were ill.
How come it has never occurred to you?

TacoLover · 13/06/2019 13:54

Nice that you 'refused' to take the day off thus forcing your ex-wife to.

Well it was also 'nice' of his ex wife to scream at him down the phone ordering him to take the day offConfused

SinkGirl · 13/06/2019 13:58

It makes sense to me that if she's looking after children, she takes responsibility and if you are, then you

So if a father only has contact at weekends, the mother is the only one who has to take time off work to take care of their sick child?

Doesn’t sound very fair to me.

OP, is she normally reasonable? Is there a reason she was so distressed / angry? Would it have been easier for you to take the day off than her, given your jobs / schedules? Her getting angry with you shouldn’t have any bearing on whether you look after your child, it’s not your child’s fault.

InvisibleHamster · 13/06/2019 13:58

I hope your child doesn't know you refused to take time off to look after her.

Ideally you could've had a civil conversation and discussed who'd find it easiest to take the time off. I understand your ex was shouting but 'refusing' doesn't help your poor kid.