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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum snatching toy of my DD

74 replies

Hellomatey001 · 13/06/2019 12:02

Here for advice really about playgroup etiquette.

I was at a playgroup today, it was all very nice at first. My 15 month old DD loves it there. Today there was a new mum with a young boy about 2. He is playing with a doll and then leaves it on a chair and wanders off. My DD goes and picks up the doll, the mum quick as a flash, snatches it off her and tells her "there are other dollies over there". My DD looks very upset, walks to one corner and has a cry. I consoled her and we played away from this mum and her son.

I saw this but didn't do anything choosing instead to move DD away. Naturally I'm upset at an adult who thinks snatching toys from a child is ok. The playgroup workers didnt spot anything at the time.

What would you do in a situation like that? I was a bit of a loss as I had never experienced anything like that before!

OP posts:

RuffleCrow · 13/06/2019 13:53

Often parents do this when they think no adults are watching. Next time just say "excuse me, she was playing with that." Unless it belonged to her own child in which case perhaps shr just didn't want it getting lost.

Antigon · 13/06/2019 13:53

yes, my advice is to chill out and not to take small things too seriously.

Good to know you've rescinded your advice that parents should run around after their children picking up toys they have touched so they don't have a tantrum when they put down the toy and another child picks it up.

kyles101 · 13/06/2019 13:53

I think you probably did the grown up thing op.

I think I'd have done similar but made a few loud comments about how rude it is to snatch.

I can see why you asked, I don't think it was unreasonable to start a thread - maybe if it was the child who had snatched but it was a grown adult - who snatches something from a toddler as an adult, bad day or no.

Nishky · 13/06/2019 13:54

Is Cassian the other mum?

Antigon · 13/06/2019 13:55

Is Cassian the other mum?

I suspect she is like the other mum and would never follow the advice she's given to OP. Much better for other mums to stay non-confrontational.

MorondelaFrontera · 13/06/2019 14:08

Antigon
yes, that is exactly what I said.

Let me guess, your own kids are at a school with A LOT of parental drama, cliques and storms in a teacup, aren't they?

Frazzledandfedup · 13/06/2019 14:09

"Really, an adult snatching off a child? What's preventing YOU from taking 'one of those other dollies over there' then? Is there something wrong with your legs?"

I get disproportionately annoyed by this sort of behaviour and I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue. People such as that mother behave that way because they know they won't be challenged. She wouldn't have snatched it off an adult!

CassianAndor · 13/06/2019 14:15

Nishky No, not the other mum (my playgroup days are well behind me, thank fuck). Interesting that you assumed that. Where I have defended the other mum's actions? Do tell.

Why would I not follow my own advice? What an utterly weird thing to think. Never been confrontational with someone at a playgroup ever - why would I be? Waste of time.

Buddytheelf85 · 13/06/2019 14:15

Some of the replies on here are bonkers. Snatch it back? Make loud passive aggressive remarks? What good does that do anyone, particularly your kid?

OP, my view is - it’s horrid to see your child upset, but it’s one of those situations that’s way more upsetting for you than for them (your child won’t remember it 10 minutes later). You have to regulate your emotional response for your child’s sake, and not blow it out of proportion because of your own feelings. So on that basis, I think you did the right thing - you just moved past it and played with something else.

Antigon · 13/06/2019 14:16

You said

they also need to learn that if you drop something you lose it and someone else will snatch it. Hers is probably at the stage where he hasn't mastered that, and she was keen on avoiding a tantrum.

I said

parents should run around after their children picking up toys they have touched so they don't have a tantrum when they put down the toy and another child picks it up

I don't see the difference? [shrugs]

FE2019 · 13/06/2019 14:16

I think you did the right thing OP.

I have three under four and I've always found playgroups to be awful, I moved from London to a village and tried really hard to find nice groups but I;ve also had a couple of not so nice experiences.

I went to one that was recommend and made casual conversation a few times but quickly noticed everyone seemed to be with a little clique of friends, After making conversation with a couple of women whilst we all stood side by side in the garden area, I walked away after a couple of minutes and overheard one say to the other 'I'm not interested in making any new friends' and the other replied 'no nor am I'. I wasn't looking for new friends just other mums to pass time with once a week at the group!

Another time a little boy was playing in the sand pit and when he put down a toy and walked away my DD picked it up, I noticed a mum staring at me and looking furious, after a couple of minutes she came over and said 'Can my son have that back please he was playing with it', I replied to her that I thought he'd finished and with that she took it off my DD and walked off. It wasn't his toy btw it was the playgroups.

And then another time I went to softly and there wasn't any spare tables, but there was one mum and one child sitting at a table for six so I asked if she would mind if we shared the table and I was told very abruptly 'No I'm saving it for my friends' We had to stand up and eat! Her friends didn't arrive until we were leaving.

Honestly OP try not to take it to heart, playgroups/classes/spftplay can be funny places. You can find yourself chatting to someone really lovely and then other times feeling very alone and on the outside.

mrsmuddlepies · 13/06/2019 14:17

Some posters do sound like Harry Hill's 'fight,fight,fight'. I think it is out of order to refer to another mother as a bitch. A roll of the eyes and a shrug (if that).
Some of the posters on here remind me of the production assistants on Jeremy Kyle being taught to wind up guests about perceived injustices so that they blow their tops on camera.
Let it go OP. Act with grace in all things.

kyles101 · 13/06/2019 14:32

Wry comments are always lost on MN.

I genuinely don't think it's right to just brush over the child's feelings completely though? There has to be some acknowledgement of the hurt to their feelings and then comfort given, otherwise the double standard (I assume we all teach our children not to snatch) would be difficult for the child to understand and I'd be vaguely uncomfortable about setting a precedence of not standing up for oneself or others if a situation was unfair. Again, not a big deal made but acknowledged the wrong then comfort and distract. If the other mother did happen to overhear and then decide that as a grown woman she should evaluate her actions to modify her behaviour going forward so she stopped snatching from small children then happy days.

Buddytheelf85 · 13/06/2019 14:43

@kyles101

I think the OP says she did console and comfort her child, so she did acknowledge the hurt. She just didn’t do anything as regards the other mum.

tomcatspray · 13/06/2019 14:52

@mrsmuddlepies : you've hit the nail on the head!

OP I think you did the right thing. There was no point in making it confrontational and nothing to be gained. Unfortunately, there will always be people that do that sort of thing.

BeardyButton · 13/06/2019 14:54

Its a balance. In this situation I wouldnt have said anything. But! I dont want my kid to grow up thinking a. Its ok to be pushed around or b. That i the wont stick up for them (when its right to do so) as im too concerned about what other children/adults think about me. And although you dont want to fight all your kids battles, i think its right to show them that you can stand up for yourself/them (sometimes). Its tough doing that, and kids have to learn it somewhere.

LAMPS1 · 13/06/2019 15:02

What would I have done in that situation?
I would have comforted my child first (as you did) then I would have approached the mum and calmly asked....
I wonder if you could help me understand why my little girl had the doll taken from her just as she was playing with it - does the doll actually belong to your son or is there a toy protocol here that I haven’t been informed about ?

kyles101 · 13/06/2019 15:27

@Buddytheelf85 yep the op did, I just got the impression some people were making out that even that reaction from the op was too much really, but I can definitely see why the situation would make someone uncomfortable. I'm sure someone said something about rolling eyes and getting on with it, which is more what i was disagreeing with, not op reaction.

Stompythedinosaur · 13/06/2019 16:03

I'd probably ignore it the first time (If possible while making it clear I had seen what she did).

If it happened again I'd probably say "That's a playgroup toy, isn't it? Why can't she play with it?" and see what she said.

iano · 13/06/2019 16:11

This

woollyheart · 13/06/2019 16:25

Or just apologise and say you didn't realise it was her property.

HJWT · 13/06/2019 16:32

@Hellomatey001 " Your DS will never learn to share if he see's his mother snatching from a baby" snatch it back and walk of 😁

HJWT · 13/06/2019 16:33

she was probably keen on avoiding a tantrum

A GREAT way to do that.... DON'T have kids 🙄

BenWillbondsPants · 13/06/2019 16:48

There used to be a mum like this at DS's playgroup. She uses to gather toys that her DS liked and put them under her chair with her bag in front as a 'barrier' to the other children. Most people just laughed at her. Never bothered me until the day that she grabbed DS's own toy out of his hand and (initially) refused to give it back as she didn't believe it was his. That was an interesting conversation, that one. 😂

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