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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to do about MIL

54 replies

gifdaft · 13/06/2019 10:30

This is probably really insignificant in the grand scheme of things but my mother in law allows and actively encourages my ds4 to get absolutely filthy when he’s at her house.

She keeps him on a Monday morning before nursery because she “loves his company” and I’m seriously tearing my hair out because He’s there for 4 hours and he’s a mess by the time I pick him up for nursery.

I always pack a spare change for him and quite often he’s used the spare and that’s also filthy by the time I get him.

Examples include getting him into the garden when it was pouring with rain and digging about in the mud. By the time I picked him up his jacket was caked in mud, his pants were wet and his clothes were completely covered.

Another time she gave him tomato soup and didn’t tuck some kitchen roll into his top and it was completely covered - his jacket was on when I arrived and it was Only when I got to nursery with him and took his jacket off did I realise that his top was filthy.

She’s let him loose on face paints 15 minutes before I’ve been due to pick him up on the day he was getting his nursery photos done 🙈

I have one year old twins and she’s creating more washing for me. One time I turned up to get him and she’d let him finger paint with toothpaste and inevitably it had gone all over his clothes.

I’ve given her painting smocks and asked that he wear them if he’s doing crafts etc but she Roy fly
Ignores me. I sound bonkers but with three kids under 4 and a mountain of washing as it is I just feel a bit ragey that she adds to it.

I know I’ll probably be told on here that I’m a joyless twat but it’s every single week

It’s the fact that she creates this mess and hands a mound of clothes back in a plastic bag.

OP posts:
Antigon · 13/06/2019 10:33

YANBU. Tell her that nursery have complained about the dirtiness and that you’ll have to stop the visits if she can’t keep him reasonably clean.

coffeeaddiction · 13/06/2019 10:36

To be honest it sounds to me that she's enjoying getting him dirty because it's not her problem- bet she didn't encourage her own kids to get so filthy !
Don't get me wrong , my little boy loves playing in mud but there's an appropriate time .
Have you actually brought up
With her the issue ?

gifdaft · 13/06/2019 10:39

@coffeeaddiction

When I bring it up she dismisses me with they’re only young once and they should be allowed to get dirty. I’ve told her he is allowed to get dirty but willfully allowing it and encouraging it when she knows he has to get to nursery is a pain. I prefer he turns up to nursery clean and tidy looking rather than caked in mud or splattered with tomato soup.

The mud incident meant I had to take him home and change his jacket which was 40 minutes out my day and I had to rearrange a work meeting at short notice.

OP posts:
Birdie6 · 13/06/2019 10:40

I'd tell her that the Nursery staff have been complaining about the dirtiness and that you'd prefer him to stay fairly clean. If she can't abide by that, keep him at home .

Antigon · 13/06/2019 10:40

So why do you keep letting her do this? What does your DH say about it?

coffeeaddiction · 13/06/2019 10:44

Well you've clearly made your point with her and she's choosing not to listen which is rude - why do grandparents like to dismiss the parents so much 😡

Maybe the best option is to do as previous posters have said and say it's been mentioned at nursery , if that fails then maybe stop the visit before nursery if possible

llangennith · 13/06/2019 10:44

Is it just one morning a week she has him?

kelper · 13/06/2019 10:46

If she gives you a bag of washing, can you go put it in her washing machine? I appreciate this might cause some issues but it saves your time!
I'd keep the clothes that get ruined and send him to hers in those clothes, specific "grannies house" clothes ;)

gifdaft · 13/06/2019 10:46

@llangennith yeah just the one morning.

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 13/06/2019 10:47

“ why do grandparents like to dismiss the parents so much ”

To seek to asset power and dominance.

Nanny0gg · 13/06/2019 10:47

Does she have to have him?

If not, don't let him go.

Shelby2010 · 13/06/2019 10:48

Take clean clothes to change him into & hand her the bag of dirty clothes back, ‘DS always has so much fun that you probably need to keep spare clothes here.....’

KnittingSister · 13/06/2019 10:49

So send him in joggers and top - easy to wash, with waterproof overalls, and keep clean with you to change at nursery.

ineedaholidaynow · 13/06/2019 10:49

Is it possible to swap the day, so he goes to nursery in the morning and she has him in the afternoon? Then can you leave the dirty clothes with her so she can deal with them?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/06/2019 10:51

Send him in his Pjs. Send a bag labelled Nursery Clothes with him to change into afterwards, "he can get as messy as you like in his pjs ".

If that doesn't work then just stop the visits or move them to a weekend. What has DH said to her about it?

llangennith · 13/06/2019 10:51

Could your MIL take him to nursery? She'd probably make sure he was clean if she was the one to hand him over.
Do you need her to have him on a Monday morning?

BeyondMyWits · 13/06/2019 10:54

Send him to Gran's in tshirt and joggers - every time.

Complete change of clothes in boot of car, arrive with it, take him to bathroom, change him, head to toe. Leave.

Put him in same filthy (but aired) tshirt and joggers next time he goes to Gran's. It will stop.

Chloemol · 13/06/2019 10:55

Just tell her that if it happens again you will have to stop the visits as it’s be becoming too much for you. Then be prepared to do it

MsSquiz · 13/06/2019 10:56

Tell her if she can't keep him clean for nursery, then she can't look after him.

Make it plain and simple.

HazelBite · 13/06/2019 10:58

Your MIL is BU I am a Grandma and the GC's get to do things at Grandma's that they wouldn't get to do at home (part of the joy of being a Grandma Grin )
But they are always bathed/showered before they leave and are dressed in the replacement clothes and I always run any dirty clothes through the washing machine before they go!
Also if my DIl said "He/they have to keep as clean as poss, because of....." I would be very mindful and try to prevent them doing anything that would make them dirty.

llangennith · 13/06/2019 10:59

I'm a Grandma too and I agree with Hazelbite

DeepDarkWoods · 13/06/2019 11:03

Just take a whole clean set of clothes with you to change him before nursery. If it's one day a week I can't see the problem. At least he's not stuck in front of the telly.

LadyRannaldini · 13/06/2019 11:05

Keep a few clothes at her house, she changes him before you pick him up and she can throw them in the wash. Alternatively, tell her to stick him in front of CBeebies for the morning to keep him clean. You don't sound particularly grateful for her help.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/06/2019 11:08

I Like HazelBite's idea. Let her get on with it, turn up 15 minutes early every week and change him completely before leaving.

My DC are the sort who can be into mud and filth within three minutes of a shower. My Dad takes them to the allotment at times and they come back looking like Stig of the Dump; one of them went to school the day after spending a day at the allotment and I got a call from his teacher to let me know he'd taken a fox skull in for show and tell; he'd hidden it inside his jacket pocket wrapped in a sock because he knew I'd lose my nut. My Dad thought it was comedy genius when I asked him where the skull came from.

It's absolutely a Grandparent thing to let them run riot; I wouldn't ever have gotten away with half the things my Dad allows the DC to do. But he's also fabulous at sending them up for a shower to sort themselves out, so I never complain. The whole "you make a mess, darling, Mummy can sort it out" would infuriate me.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 13/06/2019 11:09

I'd start making a point of changing him when you get him and leaving her the filthy clothes to clean or give her a bag of older/tatty clothes that live at hers and are just for her house, so he can change at hers & change back for nursery.

I know little ones can get messy but I think she could do more to make it easy on you!

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