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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What to do about MIL

54 replies

gifdaft · 13/06/2019 10:30

This is probably really insignificant in the grand scheme of things but my mother in law allows and actively encourages my ds4 to get absolutely filthy when he’s at her house.

She keeps him on a Monday morning before nursery because she “loves his company” and I’m seriously tearing my hair out because He’s there for 4 hours and he’s a mess by the time I pick him up for nursery.

I always pack a spare change for him and quite often he’s used the spare and that’s also filthy by the time I get him.

Examples include getting him into the garden when it was pouring with rain and digging about in the mud. By the time I picked him up his jacket was caked in mud, his pants were wet and his clothes were completely covered.

Another time she gave him tomato soup and didn’t tuck some kitchen roll into his top and it was completely covered - his jacket was on when I arrived and it was Only when I got to nursery with him and took his jacket off did I realise that his top was filthy.

She’s let him loose on face paints 15 minutes before I’ve been due to pick him up on the day he was getting his nursery photos done 🙈

I have one year old twins and she’s creating more washing for me. One time I turned up to get him and she’d let him finger paint with toothpaste and inevitably it had gone all over his clothes.

I’ve given her painting smocks and asked that he wear them if he’s doing crafts etc but she Roy fly
Ignores me. I sound bonkers but with three kids under 4 and a mountain of washing as it is I just feel a bit ragey that she adds to it.

I know I’ll probably be told on here that I’m a joyless twat but it’s every single week

It’s the fact that she creates this mess and hands a mound of clothes back in a plastic bag.

OP posts:

spanishwife · 13/06/2019 11:15

Keep the change of clothes with you, and when you arrive, take it with you, and make him change. Ask her to wash them and that you'll pick it up the following week.
Send him in something cheap and easy that you can live without.

I think that would send the message quite clearly.

MereDintofPandiculation · 13/06/2019 11:28

4 hours is a long time to insist he stays clean. And you don't want to go to the other extreme and have a child who won't get involved in anything because he's been taught that he mustn't risk getting dirty.

Get there a few minutes earlier, bring "nursery clothes" with you and a damp flannel, clean him and change him, swan out of the house saying to her over your shoulder "I've left the other clothes with you, he can wear them next time".

Beechview · 13/06/2019 11:28

Just tell her to get him ready for nursery by whatever time because he can’t turn up filthy otherwise it’s easier for you to take him from home.
Or just turn up a bit earlier yourself and get him changed.
I’m assuming he’s going to school from September so it’s just a few more weeks to put up with, if he enjoys his time there.

Teddybear45 · 13/06/2019 11:32

Pack a change of clothes and get her to change him (and wash his clothes) if he’s dirty - the clothes she washes can be kept at her house for when she has him. Getting dirty and filthy though is so much fun especially with a grandparent - I wouldn’t be trying to make her stop that.

Bookworm4 · 13/06/2019 11:33

If this is a regular occurrence why have you never thought to take a spare outfit with you or pop it in his bag? I assumed everyone took a change for toddlers, YABU to expect a toddler to stay clean.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 13/06/2019 11:39

It is like she's making some kind of protest.
I am sure they have a lovely time but why does she not grasp why you want him clean when you collect him for nursery drop-off?
It's not working is it.

RB68 · 13/06/2019 11:41

Just get him an all in one outside play suit, don his wellies and send him in. Its good for them to get this dirty and frankly you just need better protective clothes than more clean ones. He is obv missing some attention at home due to twins at 1 and is getting it from Nanny and having a ball - try not to let the clean freak in you spoil it for him.

If you need help at home re washing and stuff and can afford it try and get that in - or maybe ask your Mum for a couple of hours help separate to the dirt issue and maybe she will have a better appreciation. Maybe also ask her to have him ready to go on time as there is so little time and nursery are getting the hump at him being late or something too

llangennith · 13/06/2019 11:50

I'm sure Gifdaft isn't bothered about her son getting dirty. The point is why can't her MIL have the boy cleaned up and ready to go to nursery when she picks him up.

I wouldn't dream of handing over a dirty grandchild to my DD. When he was little I'd clean him up before she picked him up.

Gamble66 · 13/06/2019 11:51

Have granny clothes 2 sets of old stuff he wears and leaves there - bring his good set and change him -

Gamble66 · 13/06/2019 11:52

Tell her if she doesn't get him clean and tidy for pick up the visits will have to stop and it's too stressful in your life

HiJenny35 · 13/06/2019 11:58

Sounds like he's having a great time. It's once a week does it really matter? Is it worth not letting him have fun? Wouldn't you rather he had a great time and got dirty? Just turn up 15 minutes early with a change of clothes and change him or take him to nursery dirty, its nursery they really don't care.

ISmellBabies · 13/06/2019 11:58

You can stop the vists if it's too much hassle. If you don't want to do that then you have to plan for it. You mention extra washing is the problem. So get him a coat that you keep at grandma's house so he can play outside in it but you leave it with her to wash it or not, whatever. Dress him in clothes you were going to wash anyway, either keep his pjs on or dress him in yesterday's clothes. Don't give mil a change of clothes. You take a change of clothes with you and you change him every single time you pick him up. Keep a plastic bag and some vanish spray in your car for his dirty stuff. Sorted. He gets to get dirty at mil's, you have no extra washing.

Original poster

gifdaft · 13/06/2019 11:59

What I am considering doing is turning up one week and saying “oh no you’re too dirty for nursery” and leaving. My MIL goes out to meet friends on a Monday afternoon and it might shock her into keeping his clean.

OP posts:

EdtheBear · 13/06/2019 12:03

Op I think there is some sort of power thing going on. She's either trying to show you up most likely or say he has more fun at Grannies than nursery. No matter what you to she is going to sabotage your efforts.

Hand on heart I'd be tempted to get him into nursery full days. Or at least get him in mornings so your taking him home to bed.

frazzledasarock · 13/06/2019 12:04

Can you switch the nursery time around, so he goes nursery in the morning and granny picks him up afterwards and she can let him get messy and you and your DH pick him up at the end of the day and put him up take him home and straight in the bath and do bedtime?

Otherwise I’d stop it altogether, which I think would be a shame as he sounds like he’s having fun.

EdtheBear · 13/06/2019 12:05

Do you think she wants to take him to meet her friends?

But yes too dirty abd leave him might be the thing that works

Blondebakingmumma · 13/06/2019 12:06

Either don’t let him go to your MIL before nursery, or drop him off in old play clothes at MIL’s and then turn up 5 mins early and change him. Leave dirty clothes for her to wash.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 13/06/2019 12:06

I totally get why it's annoying, especially if she isn't using the protective clothes you're sending him with and not keeping his spare clothes clean to change into before nursery. There's some sort of competition going on, especially regarding face paints before the nursery photo. She's not exhibiting other forgetful tendencies is she?

As others have mentioned above. I'd explain that he needs to be in clean clothes for nursery and as she can't do that, you'll be arriving 15mins early to get him ready at hers. I would also leave the dirty clothes for her to wash and pick up next time.

Kanga83 · 13/06/2019 12:07

Can you have a set of clothes for grandmas and a set for home? So soon as he's there he changes into grandmas house clothes, and you change him back when you pick him up? She may change her ways a little if she's responsible for the laundry?

Eliza9919 · 13/06/2019 12:08

It’s the fact that she creates this mess and hands a mound of clothes back in a plastic bag.

Take another change of clothes with you to collect him and baby wipes and clean & change him before you leave. Hand the dirty stuff back to her. Every time. If she has to wash it, she might change her behaviour. But it sounds deliberate though.

Confusedbeetle · 13/06/2019 12:12

This could be managed so much better. Children should get dirty and have a carefree time including making a monumental mess. The only issue is how you handle it and there have been plenty of good suggestions. The simplest would be for her to have some playclothes to keep at hers, to do with what she likes, have a ten minute wash of face and hands and change into nursey clothes. Not worth a fall out. Generally we keep our children too clean, leading to health problems

BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 13/06/2019 12:24

Generally we keep our children too clean, leading to health problems

There's a bit of a difference between using excessive amounts of antibacterial spray/wipes or generally restricting exposure to pathogens (impacting immune development), and not wanting your child covered in mud or tomato soup 15mins before he's due to leave for nursery. Expecting clothing to be neat and presentable in public is not going to impact his health any more than an adult going to work in clean clothes impacts theirs.

I agree with others OP, old clothes at MILs and she can wash them if she lets him get filthy. Take his nursery clothes with you and do a full change before you leave.

Jent13c · 13/06/2019 13:00

Oh no! Never give a toddler tomato soup before he is going anywhere . My little boys eyebrows are orange for a week.

If it were me I'd get him a cheap outside all in one and old tatty clothes and send him in that every week. Keep the nursery clothes and jacket in your car. When you arrive to get him, strip him off and put on nursery clothes and chuck everything in her washing basket. I wouldnt even bother saying anything. You've had the chat and she hasnt listened so don't bother reasoning with her .

LittleRedMushroom · 13/06/2019 13:28

You've got to wonder what she gains by behaving like this other than the chance to annoy you and make sure you know she has no regard for you.

EdtheBear · 13/06/2019 13:39

That's it exactly no amount of clothes, waterproof suits is going to actually help. It's a mental attitude.
Nobody starts messy play with a child 15mins before they get picked up to go somewhere.
You really do have to question the motivation for making Ops life harder, ruining photo shot etc.

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