Why doesn't my friend say 'Thank you' and if you are one of those people who don't, why is that?!

[Elmo311]

Hi all ,

Just sitting here at 11:35pm still thinking about my friend who came over today.
I know she's struggling with cash, she is going to give birth next week too so I know the pressure is on. But I bought us both lunch today, and she never even said thanks?

I also bought her a gift for her DC and still no thank you?

She also said she had no Tiny Baby sleepsuits so I offered her some that my 10week old DC has grown out of now that she took ..... still nothing?

Am I a mug or what ?!

I would've definitely thanked her had it been the other way round!

@cstaff I certainly do wonder about her.
She has another friend who has distanced herself from her since the baby shower.
Now, I asked my friend for ages (as I also know her friend, but we aren't friends lol) why she might think that is, and she kept saying she has no idea, then after a phone convo it transpired that let's call her 'Deidre' had offered to organise....let's call my friend 'Gail'...'s baby shower.

Gail thinks that because Deidre offered to organise the shower that she should put some money towards it.
The baby shower goes well, but afterwards the venue say there is an outstanding balance of £140. Gail only has £40 on her , so Deidre ends up paying the £100. When she had also already paid £100 deposit, and bought Gail a wonderful gift for the baby! So the shower has cost her friend over 200£!

In Gails defence, she did offer to pay back but Deidre said it was ok.

Gail totally oblivious that this might be why Deidre is upset and has distanced herself. I suspect it is also because Gail didn't say thank you!

Gail thinks that it's all about her and that others may not have money issues too. I advised her that she should apologise and definitely pay Deidre back the £100 OR organise Deidre baby shower as she is also pregnant!

She just doesn't think about other people.

@StoppinBy I feel for you. :( people are so ungrateful! I am sorry your sister is like this, I will never understand people who won't say it.

How can an adult seriously have no idea that 'please' and ' Thank you' are expected? Does she not find the silent moment after getting or being given something awkward? For most it's almost a reflex. If you go out for lunch or a cuppa does she thank the person who brings her food? I think I'd have to say something. Start thanking people on her behalf, 'Thanks for our drinks', maybe it might embarrass her into learning some manners and being less socially constipated.

Hmm, the more you say the more this sounds like quite extreme examples of social ignorance. She's either a total narc, or to give her the benefit of doubt, autistic or ateaat not NT. I know I will get accused of being an arm chair psychologist, but I can take it.

I’m on the fence about the baby shower. I feel the organisers should pay, otherwise Gail could have out that 140 quid to buying baby things herself.

My DH seems to have been dragged up and doesn’t say please or Thankyou. Can’t understand it myself. It’s got to the point after 15yrs where he’ll say

Can you pass me the yxz........long pause........... please. As I’m standing there like . Children, all of them. Be an adult and use manners

@HerRoyalNotness Gail only paid £40. Hardly much compared to her friend! I don't think someone should fork out for another persons baby shower but that's just me.

At least your partner realises he needs to say it and does eventually! Better late than never as they say.

Clutching at straws - is she from a different culture where she has been brought up to be very blunt and not say thank you?

Any hint of anything (even a great granny from a different country) that you could use as a hook to say to her ‘I know you’ve been brought up with a strong xxx influence and that the culture doesn’t really do thank you’s and concern for others (even if that’s not true! It’s a handy device for your purposes) but as a close friend I have to tell you that here, pleases and thank you’s are really important as part of normal social interaction - whether it’s something little like passing a coffee cup or the ketchup over or something massive like a big present or thing that someone does for you - it all needs a thanks. People notice when it’s missing and think that you’re rude and don’t care so they don’t see why they should bother with you when it all seems very uneven - all take and no give, it’s all about you and how things work for you, you don’t show that you care about them back. You need to step up and ahoy that you are a real friend rather than using them.

And then sit back and see what happens - if she says sorry, I didn’t realise and tries to make amends then it could be worth continuing the friendship. If she says screw you, thanks are for little people, I’m better than that then you know to drop her pdq.

BackforGood

Can you not try the stalwart "You're welcome" when people have omitted such basic manner as to say thanks ?
I've done this - usually with a big smile - when I've opened a door for someone and they've waltzed through totally not acknowledging me, or I've done a favour and it's been accepted without comment. Usually people are in their own personal bubble and need reminding about good manners...

This is a real bug bear of mine, so I totally get why it upsets you.

Personally if people do this to me, I've a bad habit of doing what I would do with my daughter when she was small. Smile, cocked head "what's that magic word I didn't hear you say" & wait for please or thank you & follow up "ah there it is, isn't that much nicer"

Tough shit if it offends them, I'm offended by their bad manners🤷‍♀️

Seriously by the sounds of her the Please and Thank You are the least of your worries.She sounds like a user.

Time to be less available.Who stays in someones house for 7 hours when they basically have a newborn.

My step children (8 and 11 when I first met them) never said please or thank you.

My partner (their dad) was a lone parent and he did everything for them, they didn't even have to clear up after themselves, he did it all. Plus worked a 40 hour week.

I understood why he felt he needed to do this (his ex wife had walked out, her addiction became priority unfortunately) but I hated the lack of gratitude and the expectation of the children to just have everything done at the click of fingers.

It's 5 years on and over time I've subtly said things, getting my teen onside (always easier to hear stuff from your peers) and spoken to my partner about the lack of manners (he was guilty of it too, when in restaurants for Eg)

It was actually very much down to awkwardness on his part, he's very quiet. The children then weren't taught because dad didn't do it.

Without being awful about it I've coaxed and led by example and now they are both perfectly mannered. DP... I still have to work on him occasionally, luckily I can call him out on it with no hard feelings.

Sorry, my point is maybe she was never taught manners or she may be embarrassed by it. A few jokey comments may get the point across "sorry, what was that - thank you??" to her when she doesn't say thanks. Obviously tone and knowing your audience to avoid offence being taken.

I had a friend like this OP. For 20 years. Turns out she's just a user!
Gave her a brand new three piece suite - no thanks given
Gave her my diamond necklace whilst she was getting ready for a night out - just took it out of my hand with not a single word.
Her time was ALWAYS more important than everyone elses.
If we were out in town and stopped for lunch, as soon as she's eaten (she eats really fast) she'd say "Ok are we done?" I'd be not even halfway through mine and so she'd say "Ok well I'm going to nip to I'll ring you when I'm done" Then in another shop if she's finished looking in one department, if I then wanted to go to a department she didn't specifically want to visit, then I'd have to go alone and catch her afterwards elsewhere.
She was also extremely late for every meet up. Setting off to walk to bus stop at the time we were supposed to meet. I once turned up to pick her up after work... She comes out of the building with a colleague and heads to their car. Spots me and says "Oh Allison has offered me a lift now, sorry" (I was fuming!! I was 9 months pregnant and meant to be on bed rest).
Frequently asked me to pick up 10 cigarettes on way to hers, saying she'd give me the cash when I got there. Never did. She must owe me hundreds.
The final nail in the coffin was agreeing to be my DD's Godmother but then never ever bothering with either of us in the 4 years since she was born. Not even a first birthday present or even a card. Despite me always having bought her DD a decent present & card for every birthday for 13 years!

Anyway, (bit of a tangent there, sorry!) my point is, these type of people are generally CFs! In every other way....... LTB! (Leave the bitch!)

I think it's a personality trait.. I have one sister who is perfectly polite and has manners and another who wouldn't thank you for saving her from drowning. She'd probably ask what took you so long!

I actually think that if someone decides to throw a baby shower for someone else then they are financially responsible for it.

If someone asks someone to throw one for them then the asker is responsible.

I chose not to have one but if my friends had offered to throw me one I would assume they would have covered that cost as it was their choice to do so.

I personally think that people who do not show gratitude or say thank you are very rude and feel entitled. It is the height of ignorance as far as I'm concerned.

I instantly think less of someone with no manners, which was hard with DP because I knew he was kind and considerate and a genuinely lovely man. Luckily I worked out the reason and it was down to embarrassment.

I don't think I have the time or inclination to work out the reasons why Joe Blogs has no manners though, so they'd be instantly be categorised as "entitled and ignorant".

Not saying thank you or please, I feel, is hugely rude and really downright ignorant.
But some people have no manners.
Often, they were never brought up to say please or thank you.
It is very annoying.

Oh fgs don't do that passive-aggressive 'Deirdre' crap. It's so insulting. I hate it. You end up paranoid wondering if things were a dig at you or not - or of course don't realise it is. I do not continue friendships with women who do this. Adult up and say something, or don't. You can't have it both ways although the PA method tries to.

Hey OP, im in the exact same position, quite literally, tiny baby and toddler and still looking affer my friend, snap!
My thought process about saying something is essentially that if she understood or things would change, i'd say something, unfortunately if you find yourself in the position where a 30year old has to be reminded to say thank you, then things are probably not going to change, they're just inconsiderate.

However, i love my friend and i cant see her down and out, so i still carry on the same but just accept she is that type of person, ive got other considerate friends and ones that make way more effort, so i put it down to having different friends for different things and dont expect anything back.
X

I have a friend who doesn't say the words please and thank you but does the words ie babysit my ill Dad frequently.

I’d just like the poster with the diamond necklace and spare three piece suites to know that I have excellent manners and always say please and thank you.

It's probably a better of not being in the habit. Good manners are habits that most people learn from childhood.

She probably is very grateful for everything that you do, she probably doesn't know that she should verbally convey it.

Elmo311 I am glad you stared this thread, I'll be following for advice.
I gave a similar friend, I use the word gentle, it took my months to end the friendship, cause my massive stress, she is so self indulgent, it is shocking.
Anyway I meet her on the corner of my street, apparently she had so many important tho be to tell me, she arrived made herself 3 cups of tea, never offered me one, I made myself one after her in my house she didnt even notice.
She stayed for 4 hours banging on about herself, how beautiful she is, all about the gym, her 50% custody arrangement. She knows DM is at stage 4, never even asked.
I hardly slept all night, I need to end this relationships all over again.
Between DP, the DC, my job, elderly ill parents, I can't cope with her.

Well that was unreadable, I am so stressed, I was rocking DS, I asked her to leave soon at 20.05 as it is near bedtime, school night, it was 21.30 when she got in her car.