To be worried about DD? Please advise as very confused atm.

[Shehz21]

I have been mulling about whether to post this or not but here goes nothing.. so a bit of back story here;
I have a DD who is 17 months soon. She is the apple of mine and Dh's eyes as we have decided to stop at just the one due to many reasons. She has a very doting grandmother who lives with us, my Dh is a hands on dad despite long hours at work and I am a SAHM so give her my 100% attention. She is very spoilt,being an only child and only grandchild,in the sense she gets new toys every now and then. I try to stimulate her a lot during the day, take her to soft play and toddler classes quite often.
Getting to the point now is that I "think" my daughter has..uhm I'm not quite sure how to put it..temper issues? She gets VERY angry when something doesn't go her way and is going to harm herself by either headbutting into the wall or biting herself or scream at the top of her lungs or full tantrum rolling onto the floor screaming. Now being a FTP, I don't know whether this is normal toddler tantrums or there is more to it. She has been walking since she was 10 months and just started saying few words. I thought it must be frustration to communicate but she understands A LOT.
Please if someone could come along and advise whether this is normal toddler behavior. I might come across as an OTT mum but trust me I am indeed worried as I had a lot of anger issues when I was younger and had to start therapy until much older. She also doesn't know how to play with other kids and will snatch things off them or scream and hit them. I feel like I can't even take her to any groups/softplay anymore and this is really getting me down. Please help.
TIA

Different kids have different temperaments so some will sail through toddler hood with a few foot stomps and nothing else others - like your DD will have strong feelings and little ability to control them. Nothing you said sounds particularly unusual for a child of her age. At 17 months children have very little impulse control and emotional regulation so they're liable to lose the plot! All you can do is provide help to calm them down when having a meltdown (they're not able to think rationally at that point so usually the best you can do is keep them safe and reassure them by talking calmly) model calm behaviour yourself and also make sure you avoid triggers (over stimulation, over tiredness, hunger, thirst, etc).
If she doesn't have much language yet it might help to introduce a bit of sign language to help her communicate.

This too shall pass.

This is normal toddler behaviour

Normal. My 16m DS lies on the floor and kicks his legs when he doesn’t get his own way, and sometimes he nips or bites. He bit me for picking him up to stop him approaching a big dog, and for taking a sharp pen away from him. He bit the sofa because he didn’t want his nappy changed. Etc.

You don’t sound like an over anxious mum at all - these things are hard.

I have twins who are 2.5 and they both have ASD which first became apparent about your DD’s age. I have lots of friends who have babies the same age who don’t have any developmental issues.

Almost all of our kids went through phases like this. One of mine would get cross and do the most horrendous screeching you’ve ever heard - it would make his twin panic and cry. He stopped.

My friend’s little girl had absolutely epic temper tantrums. She’s outgrown them.

From the rest of your post it sounds like she’s developing normally in terms of language and motor skills - aside from the temper are you worried about anything else?

This sounds extremely normal for a little girl her age and in her situation.
Normal toddler tantrums (head butting, breath holding, general flinging around all come under normal and age appropriate behaviour)
Lots of frustrations at this age - you say she is saying a fwe words but she understand a lot - her frustration is probably to do with getting people to understand her - she will have a clear idea of what she wants but can;t communicate it to you.

how much does she play with other children - it sounds as if she has plenty of adults to love and stimulate her but adults will general play 'nice' and let the child direct the play. Other toddlers will have their own ideas and there conflicts will arise. All you can do is model gentle behaviour take her out of situations if she is getting cross, explain to her how we play kindly etc etc - the more experience she gets with playingg with others the better she will get at social intereaction, That said at her age her level of interaction is not abnormal - 17mnths olds do not usually play well with others - they aren;t inclined to share, and even placid, easy going children will play alongside other children rather than 'with' them.

As she walked early, she is possibly quite a physical child - deos she have lots of chances to run about, chase a ball. go to the park to use up her energy ?

I hope that is reassuring - I wouldn;t worry about her behaviour at all - just keep telling her the right way to go about things and she will learn. As she learns more words she will be less frustrated and although she understand a lot of words now, she is very tiny and only at the very beginning of starting to grasp concepts like kindness and playing nicely - toddlers are entirely self absorbed and self centered - they don't think about other people or how thier behaviour affects people - developmentally that comes later. She's walking, she's chatting - she's expressing her needs as best she can and developing her identity and character - all good

It’s normal don’t worry. My 16 month old has turned into the devil. Screaming, pinching, biting, chucking himself on the floor, going like a rigid surfboard when I need to get him in the pram or car seat. Trying to get out of his car seat then hanging out screaming is the new favourite. It’s just a phase, they don’t call it terrible twos for nothing. I’m trying a consistent holding his hand, look in the eyes, firm “no” it’s hit and miss whether he listens

This sounds entirely normal, @Shehz21. My sons are 22, 24 and nearly 26, but I still vividly remember when my eldest was going through the 'Terrible Twos' (which is a bit of a misnomer, because they can start before two).

My lowest point - and my biggest parenting fail - came one morning. Ds1 had had a tantrum lasting over 90 minutes the night before, and it was not yet 9am, and he'd been screaming for nearly 45 minutes, and I was in tears, on the phone to dh, telling him I couldn't cope with this any more (I was pregnant with ds2 at this point).

Suddenly it went quiet, so I told dh I'd better go and see what had stopped ds1 screaming - and when I went through to the kitchen, he was standing by the bin, eating tortilla chips out of it!! We'd had some the night before, and had thrown away the ones we were too full to eat - and he was enjoying a delicious bin-snack.

That's not the parenting fail, though - this is. I stood and looked at him, and knew that, if I took him away from the bin, he would start tantrumming again, and I just couldn't face it, so I let him carry on eating and waited until he had had enough and wandered off to play before emptying the bin and finding somewhere to put it where he couldn't get at it!!

He survived entirely unscathed, and is now a strapping healthy man. This was his first and last garbage snack!!

DS1 used to head butt his cot all the time when he was a toddler. He's now 9 and shows no signs of damage!

My dd went through the terrible twos at this age. By the time she was actually two she'd calmed down immensely.

This sounds completely normal. My youngest just turned two and is capable of throwing an epic tantrum. His older brother and sister are quite well behaved now and 4 and 6 so I know he’ll get there too.
It’s hard at the time but please don’t avoid going to groups. There’ll be parents there who are going through the same/have been through this before. It’s perfectly normal behaviour and as long as you are correcting it there’s no need to keep DD and yourself at home.

Totally normal. Mine literally went to sleep a sweet little baby and woke up as a screeching hell beast not long after her 2nd birthday. For some it starts earlier. Welcome to toddlerhood!

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

so funny, I really enjoyed that. beautifully written as well lol.

OP good luck!

Sounds very normal to me but because you are worried, and purely for your peace of mind, I’d suggest asking if you can have a chat with the nursery nurse who does the 12/18/24 month reviews in your area.

My 22 month old has been a biter for a few months now. At 16/17 months he also kept ripping huge chunks of hair out of his 3 y/o sister too.

None of my other 3 were ever that violent and angry but they've all been parented the same way. This youngest one is a wild child for sure whereas my first was the total utter opposite temperament. He was (and still is at 13) very very laid back.

Toddlers don't know how to share or be patient and they don't start playing with other kids properly until a bit later.

The honestly sounds very much like both my children, I think it is quite normal for the age.

My DS is 22 months now, and this behaviour has started getting better, although it's been a hard few months. I think it's frustration and not understanding why they can have the things they want and do the things they want.
It will not last forever.

It would be extremely unusual for a child of this age (and especially an only child) to know how to play well with other children. They don't really have the developmental skills to do that for another year or two.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius that is hilarious I actually laughed out loud!

I would say her behaviour sounds pretty normal for her age

Mine used to get the absolute rage at that age. There was nothing to be done or said. I used to make sure she was safe and then go and put the kettle on saying "I'll come back when you have calmed down a bit" I think it's that stage that they can't properly communicate what the problem is and they just get enfuriated.

Sounds like normal toddler behaviour.

Young children play alongside each other until they are about 3, snatching toys is normal and taking turns is a social skill that takes quite a while to learn.

I taught DD sign language from a very young age, you can make up your own signs, use Mr. Tumble and Makaton or BSL, plenty of videos on youtube. Because DD could communicate what she want/needed in signs she barely ever had temper tantrums out of frustration to communicate.

Babies can sign as soon as they can clap so just use the sign every time you say the word and they soon pick it up.

To begin with, you could try some very simple ones:
Eat: Hand to mouth, fingers together
Drink: Mime drinking
Sleep: Both hands under head with a head tilt
Milk: Open and close your fist.
More: Tapping the back of one hand with the other
Mum: 3 fingers on the fore head
Dad: 2 fists on top of eachother

Its quite easy to sign nursery rhymes too and then DD can join in.

I like to imagine a grown up equivalent where what I need right now is a large glass of wine and a neck massage as I am filled with tension and stress, but can't communicate it. Being offered a biscuit, or a suggestion I should go to bed as I am obviously tired and cranky would wind me up no end ;-)

I like to imagine a grown up equivalent where what I need right now is a large glass of wine and a neck massage as I am filled with tension and stress, but can't communicate it. Being offered a biscuit, or a suggestion I should go to bed as I am obviously tired and cranky would wind me up no end ;-)

Sounds pretty normal. But can we move forward from the hackneyed trope that only child equals spoilt? Don't label her as spoilt just because she's loved to bits and the only one you'll have. It's doing her a disservice and it's doing all only children a disservice too.

I have 2 DC
My second has always been a placid child who sulked but never went through a tantrum stage and rarely shouts she is nearly 15. She’s easy going but she didn’t really speak until she was 2 and was unintelligible until she was 4. She has some auditory issues - she dislikes lots of noise and finds noise confusing and over whelming which probably explains now why she didn’t tantrum

DD16. Where do I begin. I honestly hand on heart will tell you that this child could throw an almighty tantrum at age 6 months old if something annoyed her the wrong way. She was a head banging baby. She was a breath holding biting throwing screaming sometimes vicious very angry toddler. Everything made her mad. I had so much help from my HV and GP and sure start etc.

She controlled this better at school as she got older and although she is still very very loud and shouty, she has calmed down a bit. I did take her to counselling 3 times she’s also had some anger management through school, she really finds it hard to regulate her emotional reactions but she has friends, she’s a kind child, she’s lovely with her pets, she is helpful to me, funny, loving and has managed to take all her GCSE’s. Whilst I have never really pushed it too far with getting her labelled with anything (she has PDA and ADHD traits) I did have to parent them quite differently and try to adapt. To begin with I would just react angrily too and get so frustrated and also think I was doing everything wrong or she had something wrong with her. I wish I had been calmer and more rational because it took me a long time to learn the resilience I needed (which I now have!)

Ultimately children are so different and mine could not be more opposite, so blaming myself or you feeling bad will not help anything. Also what is ‘normal?’, this is very usual toddler behaviour and this is the time where you need to really reinforce tactics with your DH. My biggest problem was myself and exDP having completely different approaches to parenting and it caused conflict. A solid joint approach works really well and being consistent. Some toddlers do struggle with expressing these strong feelings and you have to work on making yourself strong, these are tough years!

Watch your own reactions too - I can be quite sharp and DD has picked up this tone from me which I really hate and regret. Always worth doing all the research you can into a parenting technique that works for you all - and it won’t be the first and only one it’s an evolving process!