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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Red flag or normal behaviour?

36 replies

TigerBubbles · 12/06/2019 10:46

Been with dp 5 years, have a dd aged 2 and another on the way.

I spent yesterday at my mums place with dd and around half 9 last night decided to spend the night. Dd was already fast asleep in the spare room and my morning sickness (which kicks off at night) had started and I felt rubbish. Phoned dp to tell him I was staying over at mums as I fancied being looked after and having help with dd and would be home sometime tomorrow. He got a cob on and said I should have told him earlier. I don't understand what difference it made? I'd told him earlier to sort out his own tea and that we wouldn't be home until late. He's in work today so not like it makes much difference to him.

Today he's messaged me informing me his parents are coming round at 5 and that ideally I should meet him when he finishes work to go shopping for something that is in no way urgent. I replied that i planned a day dossing round at my mums and going shopping with her. I don't drive and my mum works a very demanding job so its rare me and dd spend much time with her although we are extremely close. It's nice just to be around family, I live quite far away and often spend most days on my own.

I suppose I'm just wondering whos being unreasonable here, if anyone? It's like he is resenting the time I'm spending with my family while we see his family a minimum of once a week. We spent my pregnancy and first 9 months of dd's life living at my family home and they all got on well, if a little crowded so I don't understand where this is coming from.

Thank you if youve made it to the end of this thread

OP posts:
adaline · 12/06/2019 10:50

What do you mean he has a cob on? Did he just say he wishes you'd told him earlier, or did he have a full on strop about it?

I don't think either of you are wrong, necessarily, just maybe there are different expectations? I think you probably knew in advance you were going to stay over, so why not tell him earlier?

Babysharkdododont · 12/06/2019 10:54

He probably felt you'd already decided to stay and hadn't told him in advance (which it does sound like you did as your Mum had the day off today and plans to spend it together). Unless he actually moaned and groaned, it sounds like he just said he wished you'd said, I don't see the problem.

SerenDippitty · 12/06/2019 10:55

Phoned dp to tell him I was staying over at mums as I fancied being looked after and having help with dd

This sounds a bit like an implied criticism - that you would not get looked after and have help with dd if you came home? Perhaps that’s why he got miffed?

Original poster
TigerBubbles · 12/06/2019 10:56

He got a full on strop on, telling me he's wasted his day. (Why? I told him we wouldn't be home until around 10ish as I wanted to see my sister after she finished work)

I honestly did not plan on staying, i didn't bring any pajamas or spare clothes for me and dd. It just seemed easier at that time, with the sickness and dd already asleep than my dm driving me the 45 mins home

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 12/06/2019 10:58

Personally I’d stay at my mums this evening.

That way you get so spend quality time with her and he gets to do the same with his parents. And cook them dinner, which will be a treat for them I’m sure.

Just say you can go shopping for whatever another time.

It’s a pretty poor reflection on him that you have to be at your mums to be looked after and have help with your DD. That’s what HE should be doing.

Original poster
TigerBubbles · 12/06/2019 11:00

It wasn't a criticism, more a statement of fact. He leaves the house at 6:30 am an doesn't return until between 4 and 6 usually so I don't get any help with dd throughout the day. Not his fault obviously, he has to work and he's helpful when he's home but just a fact of life

OP posts:
Original poster
TigerBubbles · 12/06/2019 11:02

Also my mum isn't off work today, she lives on top of her job so while she can take a few hours here and there, she is on call 25l4/7

OP posts:
Original poster
TigerBubbles · 12/06/2019 11:02

24/7*
Stupid sausage fingers

OP posts:
adaline · 12/06/2019 11:03

Maybe he's just not happy you changed your mind at the last minute - maybe he wanted to see his DD?

It does sound like you planned it though, with your mum being off today and you planning on spending the day together. I know you're saying you didn't but I imagine it came across that way to him.

BarbarianMum · 12/06/2019 11:04

I dunno. I think you could have communicated better. I'd not be happy if dh treated me like that, although your plans in themself are fine.

PanteneProV · 12/06/2019 11:04

Definitely not as much as a red flag - he’s just had a strop. Unless it’s a pattern of behaviour in which case it’s more sinister.

NeatFreakMama · 12/06/2019 11:05

I don't think either of you sound wrong really, just a minor communication break down. I'd just move on from it

AryaStarkWolf · 12/06/2019 11:06

He's being unreasonable, stick to your guns and don't allow him to tell you what you are and are not allowed to do. His strop makes no sense at all considering it had no impact on plans he had or time he would have spent with you/your DD. Glad you didn't allow him to order you around and set your schedule for the next day either

FoxSquadKitten · 12/06/2019 11:07

Today he's messaged me informing me his parents are coming round at 5 and that ideally I should meet him when he finishes work to go shopping for something that is in no way urgent. I replied that i planned a day dossing round at my mums and going shopping with her.

I think YABU why can't you meet him to get a few bits in for his parents? You spent all day yesterday with your DM and want to do the same today, he didn't even get to see his DC when he got in from work.

Pa1oma · 12/06/2019 11:07

What is the thing he wants you to go shopping for? Surely it’s more if a pain having to go shopping for anything with a two year-old in tow? And how will you get to his work if you don’t drive?

Original poster
TigerBubbles · 12/06/2019 11:08

Thats the problem, I think a pattern is starting to emerge. Everytime i spend time with my mum, either with or without dd, he is on the phone asking what I'm doing and how long I'm going to be and comes up with things I have to be home for that just seem ridiculous. If I was out all the time then I'd understand but surely a couple of hours in the supermarket with my mum after work every once in a while is acceptable?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 12/06/2019 11:09

I'd not be happy if dh treated me like that, although your plans in themself are fine.

Treat you like what though, I've tried putting myself in the OPs position and honestly my DH wouldn't give it a second thought If I decided to stay at my moms after a day out, he'd just tell me to enjoy myself

AryaStarkWolf · 12/06/2019 11:11

@TigerBubbles See you update to me sounds really red flaggish, controlling people try to cut of your support system and isolate you. I'm not saying that's definitely what he's doing but you are obviously concerned enough to post here about it so don't ignore your gut

Original poster
TigerBubbles · 12/06/2019 11:12

The shopping is not for his parents, it's for some gadget that we don't even need. I imagine he expects my dm will drop me at his work (around 30 mins away).
I don't understand why his parents are coming round today tbh. They never come round, they are only 'popping in' as they are going to a shopping center near us and we planned on seeing them tomorrow and sunday. It just seems whenever i have plans, theres a reason for me to be at home

OP posts:
flamingomonkey · 12/06/2019 11:15

Why do you need to be home for his parents if you're seeing them anyway? If you have plans just stick to them - the recent update is definitely looking like a bit of a flag. Have you raised it with him you feel that way?

jackstini · 12/06/2019 11:16

I wonder if there's a bit of envy there on his part

You are getting to do what you like and he's at work, maybe had a bad day

Not saying he's right, just that it might be a possible reason for him to be grumpy!

Pa1oma · 12/06/2019 11:17

Hmm OP. Is he only a bit “needy” when you’re with you mum? Does he resent your support there? What about if he came home from work and you were out with a friend?

This has made me think about my DH actually because he can be a bit “woe is me” if he ever comes in to an empty house after work. He wouldn’t exactly have the “cob”, but there would be some kind of subtle vibe aimed in my direction. He seems to need attention from me, dinner served, “how was your day, etc. I can’t relate to it personally because when I come in I don’t need anything from anyone and I couldn’t give a hoot if he’s in or out.

Could it be something like this? He has got used to you being at home as a SAHM and now he expects it? Attention-seeking basically, but when you think about it, it could be perceived as a little controlling as well.

FoxSquadKitten · 12/06/2019 11:18

I think there would be different replies if the roles were reversed though.

Imagine if OP's DH had decided to stay the night at his DM's (the dreaded mil) with DC because she looks after him better 😲 and OP didn't get to see her DC after getting in from work and then he got annoyed because her parents were coming round the next day.......

Original poster
TigerBubbles · 12/06/2019 11:23

I'm not a sahm though, that's what's weird. I work part time and study at uni, although I've broke up for the summer now so I have more free time. On the rare occasions I go for a coffee with a friend he doesn't mind but then I do tend to be home before him as I have to pick dd up from nursery. If I'm out with dd without him by myself, he will either come meet us after work or enjoy having the house to himself for a few hours. He never comes and meets my friends if that's relevent?

OP posts:
Original poster
TigerBubbles · 12/06/2019 11:27

Also it's not like I've ran away with dd. She stays over with grandparents twice a month and he doesn't get grumpy then so I'm sure it's not that he hasn't seen her for 1 day. If anything, I'd imagine he enjoys the break from her relentless energy

OP posts: