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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Red flag or normal behaviour?

36 replies

TigerBubbles · 12/06/2019 10:46

Been with dp 5 years, have a dd aged 2 and another on the way.

I spent yesterday at my mums place with dd and around half 9 last night decided to spend the night. Dd was already fast asleep in the spare room and my morning sickness (which kicks off at night) had started and I felt rubbish. Phoned dp to tell him I was staying over at mums as I fancied being looked after and having help with dd and would be home sometime tomorrow. He got a cob on and said I should have told him earlier. I don't understand what difference it made? I'd told him earlier to sort out his own tea and that we wouldn't be home until late. He's in work today so not like it makes much difference to him.

Today he's messaged me informing me his parents are coming round at 5 and that ideally I should meet him when he finishes work to go shopping for something that is in no way urgent. I replied that i planned a day dossing round at my mums and going shopping with her. I don't drive and my mum works a very demanding job so its rare me and dd spend much time with her although we are extremely close. It's nice just to be around family, I live quite far away and often spend most days on my own.

I suppose I'm just wondering whos being unreasonable here, if anyone? It's like he is resenting the time I'm spending with my family while we see his family a minimum of once a week. We spent my pregnancy and first 9 months of dd's life living at my family home and they all got on well, if a little crowded so I don't understand where this is coming from.

Thank you if youve made it to the end of this thread

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 12/06/2019 11:29

Imagine if OP's DH had decided to stay the night at his DM's (the dreaded mil) with DC because she looks after him better 😲 and OP didn't get to see her DC after getting in from work and then he got annoyed because her parents were coming round the next day.......

You're kind of twisting what the OP said there and no I don't think the replies would be different, certainly not from me anyway or I would imagine most people in healthy, non dependant relationships.

Original poster

TigerBubbles · 12/06/2019 11:35

If he was the equivalent to anemic and suffering with morning sickness and an auto-immune disease, stuck at home with dd and I was working, I'd encourage him to go to his mothers

It's not an insult that he's not there, he works. I'm just gettinf support where i can

OP posts:

Pa1oma · 12/06/2019 11:40

It’s hard to say really OP. He does sound a little clingy though, so don’t pander to that. Maybe tonight, just ask him outright if he has a problem about you spending time with your family and if so why?

Damntheman · 12/06/2019 11:42

I don't deal well with last minute changes to expectations/plans personally. So although I would have been fine with DP staying at their mum's for the night with our child, I wouldn't be happy that it was a last minute decision.

Is your DP like that at all OP? Or is this something more. That's the real question.

Original poster

TigerBubbles · 12/06/2019 11:48

He's fine with last minute decisions and changes if it's him making them or doing them, not so much when it's me, regarding my family.

If i decided last minute to head to the city centre shopping with just dd, he'd be fine. If I was with my dm, he'd more than likely be on the phone asking what time I'd be home. However I am more likely to be out later with dm as I have company and the convenience of her car

OP posts:

Damntheman · 12/06/2019 11:53

Then I'd also be bothered by how 'on' he seems when you're with your mum. A frank conversation seems to be needed! I hope you enjoy your day today with your mum anyway :)

Original poster

TigerBubbles · 12/06/2019 12:02

Will bring it up with him tonight when me and dd return home. For now I'm gonna enjoy spending some time with dm

OP posts:

bobstersmum · 12/06/2019 12:07

Were you planning to take your dd back with you at 10pm? That's a bit late for a 2 year old isn't it. I think he was probably waiting to too see you both and then suddenly you weren't coming. He could have gone out himself really couldn't he.

Original poster

TigerBubbles · 12/06/2019 12:11

Luckily dd is a very good sleeper and 1 late night won't ruin her routine

He could have gone out anyway. If he ever wants to go out, the fact that me and dd are at home doesn't stop him so I don't see how us not being there makes any difference

OP posts:

Babyduck2 · 12/06/2019 12:16

Tbf, if my DP just called up to say he was staying out with DC I wouldn't be best pleased, as a parent I'd expect to be asked, or atleast informed on these things in advance. Maybe he looks forward to coming home to DC I know my DP does and misses the little bit of time he has on the night with them before bed if he doesn't get it. Him been a bit miffed and moody is hardly a red flag, I think your jumping the gun there!

EmeraldShamrock · 12/06/2019 13:08

Don't change your plans, you probably should have rang him earlier, otherwise ignore him, he probably just had a whinge.

Is there more issues with control within the 5 years? If not I'd let it go as a strop, call him now to tell him your staying an extra night, it'll give him time to make a plan for his free time.
Don't give in and meet after work.

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