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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not enough?

59 replies

Ella1980 · 11/06/2019 20:57

Long story short... I have two kids half of the time (the rest of the time they live with their dad) and a fiancé. We both work ft-I'm currently on around £900 pm and him on around £1400. No other income except Child Benefit for one boy.

We are renting a small 3-bed for £850 pm.

Every month fiancé pays some money into my account.

Out of my account comes nearly all of the food, all expenses for the boys, council tax and all bills inc rent. He pays for his own fuel, that's about it.

Last month he paid into my account £750. Personally I think this is not enough!

Ballpark figure, what would you say is reasonable?

I am sick of struggling 😢

Thank you all so much for your advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 11/06/2019 21:58

@RickJames
To put things into perspective so you can get the measure of my ex...I walked out on him following a decade of horrific abuse (including financial). When I went I was only working 3 hours a week and my little boy was just three but I simply couldn't take it any more. I left with literally the clothes on on my back.

I was fortunate enough to get extra hours at the school I was at. For four years I rented a damp and mouldy two-bed. I went without food or heating in the weeks I didn't have the kids. He never let me have anything from the house. No clothes, no photos. Nothing. He changed the locks within five hours.

Subsequently he came over to my place and tried to take my car from my drive claiming it was jointly owned. He dumped our family hamster on my doorstep.

It was his revenge.

Surely any respectable man would not act like this?

OP posts:
StocktonGalaDays · 11/06/2019 21:58

You seem to be earning under national minimum wage for full time work. Can you tackle your employer?

C0untDucku1a · 11/06/2019 22:01

THis isnt about your ex. The issue is whether the fiance is conteibuting enough. To decide that, add up your bills.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 11/06/2019 22:01

It's a Teaching Assistant so not paid holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 11/06/2019 22:04

Yes and no. The fact ex gets away with giving me nothing towards the kids (despite his £105k+ pa salary) has an impact.

OP posts:
RickJames · 11/06/2019 22:04

@Ella1980
He sounds like a giant shit. He was despicable to you and I'm not surprised you feel bitter and angry about him. Well done for breaking out.
However, does he get your DC nice things and take good care of him? That is the only thing that truly matters now.
I'm sorry you had such a bad time with him.
Does he supply your DC with earnings appropriate things and opportunities? Or is he cheating on your DC with the 50% contact obligations?

Original poster
Ella1980 · 11/06/2019 22:06

Aw thank you. He barely sees them because he's at work most of the time!

OP posts:
RickJames · 11/06/2019 22:08

Like what I mean is, does he still expect you to buy all the clothes, finance school trips or pay sports subscriptions? Or does he do that himself or does he even do it on a 50/50 basis?

C0untDucku1a · 11/06/2019 22:09

You need to focus on the fiance. And your earning potential. These are in your control.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 11/06/2019 22:10

I pay for those things. He refuses.

OP posts:
RickJames · 11/06/2019 22:17

Well then he is a shit.
I'd be going back to court because he's just basically babysitting. My steppies cost 00000€ a year precisely because we aren't in a position to have them 50% of the time. Kids cost money!
That makes me sick - he wants fancy stuff but he doesn't want his DCs to have nice stuff. Send them to his in rags.. see how he feels with ragged children in his posh car. (Obviously don't, but he is a bad person)

Jupiters · 11/06/2019 22:42

Add up the bills, rent, food costs and divide it by 2, that sounds be your fiance's minimum contribution. It isn't about your ex, what's happened in the past or the children.

supersop60 · 11/06/2019 22:55

jupiters actually it is a bit.
If the ex isn't paying half for DCs clothes etc, then it's not 50;50 arrangement, and he needs to pay more. This would give the OP more income.
Re the fiance, they should add up all household bills and pay proportionately to what they earn, roughly 2/5 to 3/5, I'd guess.

Juniperjunojunijune · 12/06/2019 06:15

I'm also confused by this.

If you and your partner both have your son's half the time (so half with you and half with him) then why should he pay half your bills, half you council tax, etc? That ridiculous? In fact - why does he need to pay you anything if, for half of the time, he pays for everything?

I'm not being goady, I'm genuinely curious.

My mum tried to do this to my dad when we were kids (they shared custody of us) and she got her solicitor to write to my dad threatening legal action if he didn't send her money. His solicitor wrote back saying that legally my dad has no obligation to pay her anything, as he had us half the time. The whole thing was dropped and people still talked about it now (I'm 28!) as an example of how unreasonable my mum is.

The way I see it, if he's paying half of your rent and bills and food costs because you have the kids half the time, then you should pay half of his rent and bills and food costs while he has the boys?

I'm shocked that he sends £750 as it is and I wouldn't be paying if I were him!

Presumably he pays for his own rent and bills plus food and supplies for the kids while he has them half the time?

Juniperjunojunijune · 12/06/2019 06:17

Hang on - now I'm even more confused! You're talking about your current fiancee? Or your ex?!

flapjackfairy · 12/06/2019 06:28

Well where else could he live for less than 200 per week including food and bills ?
Make sure you are not exchanging one abusive man for another !

JustTwoMoreSecs · 12/06/2019 06:36

You seem angry about money at both your ex and your DF.
Your ex doesn’t have to pay you anything if he has then half the time. When they are with him he feeds them I imagine, and gives them a place to sleep, entertains them etc. The fact that he has a nicer lifestyle than you doesn’t mean he has to give you money.
Then your DF, clearly he doesn’t want to pay for your DC. If you consider his 1 adult vs your 1 adult + 2 DC half the time, then his contribution is fair-ish. But then who wants to be with someone who is so petty and doesn’t want to help with the DC?... have a conversation with him.

MRex · 12/06/2019 07:02

Sorry to hear you're still having a hard time. I remember your earlier posts, did you ever try reporting your ex and his brother to the accountancy body?

I'm worried about you fiance, if he isn't contributing as a family now then does he really want to be a family? Strikes me as pretty selfish. You can't do anything about you ex, but please don't walk into another relationship that's bad.

Mightytired · 12/06/2019 07:05

I agree with pp, your fiance should be paying £900+ into your bank account. And judging on your ex's income, he should/could afford to pay in far more than he is, though I guess that's part of the reason why he's your ex.

NauseousMum · 12/06/2019 07:15

Your fiance needs to be paying a fair amount to cover himself, if he is then can you look for another job for during the holidays for example? If you are a ta and they are with dad, can you work then and get a bit more?

Your ex sounds like a shit but he doesn't legally owe you anymore if he has the kids 50/50. Does he during the holidays?

Damia · 12/06/2019 07:21

You need to talk to df. If you want to be married then you need to be able to settle this kind of thing first. Either both people pay 50/50 on rent and bills but if one person is left with nothing that wont work out.

Otherwise add earnings together 900 + 1400 = 2300.

900/2300 is your share of bills so around 40%
1400/2300 is his share 60%

If anyone ever gets a pay rise you do the same thing. Person earning more will still have more but not as much more as at the moment.

Cherry83 · 12/06/2019 07:25

Seek advice from CAB about child maintenance...I thought there was a way of calculating payments something along the lines of what he should pay you less what you should pay him so you would still receive cm as his earnings are so much higher.

You also need to agree with your fiancé that he pays half of all household bills/rent. Then reach an agreement on sharing cost of food.

Your ex is your ex for good reason. Hugs to you Thanks

Original poster
Ella1980 · 12/06/2019 07:48

@Juniperjunojunijune It's my (loaded) ex husband that has the kids half of the time and pays nothing.

OP posts:
MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 12/06/2019 07:54

I agree that if ex has DC half the time he should pay for their things half the time. So school trips, clothing etc.

I'd go and see a solicitor.

Your other issue is fiancé. If he's joining you in marriage then it's more than just sharing a home. He should be paying more into a joint account so you both have some money left over. £950 or so seems reasonable.

Angrybird123 · 12/06/2019 08:21

If your kids are with the ex 50/50 surely they do activities when with him etc. I agree he absolutely should be paying 50% of that sort of thing and he sounds like a typical nasty ex who chooses to do the bare minimum he can legally get away with.

Your current partner is a totally separate problem and needs to be thought of as such. If he were living alone his bills would be more than 750 so a little more would be appropriate. However, if you are to be married, you become a family.. It should be expected that all your joint income is family money and he should expect, at, that point to be helping you support his stepchildren because you are then family and why would he want his wife to be struggling? If he's not prepared to do that I'd be thinking hard about marrying him.