To think this family set up is odd?

[Milkybars]

Nc for this. It's a bit random, sorry, but I'm trying to get my head around something.

Family - mum, dad and six children aged between 4-16 when this occurred. White, working class but with money, British (just for background)

Eldest child is now mid 30s so this is all fairly recent.

They live in the same area of the city as extended family, so within a few minutes walk of various cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles.

From the age of 4 or so, the children have been sent to live with members of the extended family - so child 1 lives with Aunty A, child 2 lives with Granny B, each child living with a different family member except the youngest two. Sometimes there is a swap - so child 2 might go and live with Aunty A and child 1 goes off to Aunty C for a year or two. No particular reasons given for the swap. Children would have dinner at home at the weekends. No social services involvement of any sort. Parent's relationship volatile by my standards, but joked about by the family. Children never seem to be taken out/no family days out

There is no real reason ever given for the children living with these relatives, and nobody seems to have a problem with it, however as adults there is some dysfunction/poor grasp of boundaries/mental health issues/poor parenting. The parents of these children both worked, one parent worked school hours only, there was plenty of money, and the family home was big enough to house all the children, so space didn't come into it.

I think this situation is really odd, and a contributory factor to some of the issues within this family, but others disagree. AIBU?

I'm pretty sure parents are obliged to tell social services if their children are living with any one else other than a parent for a period of more than 6 weeks (I think it's 6 weeks but it could be less). So no, this is not a normal situation.

SS wouldn’t be remotely interested. If you are going to make statement like this, please evidence it in law rather than what you think might or might not be legal requirements. .

Many children have extensive extended family involvement. Sometimes it is cultural, sometimes its just a much larger family and sometimes the family step in where parents can’t manage appropriately.

Having a lot of in laws from around the Darlington area I have to say, I thought this was a fairly normal practice “up north” as all the children seem to wander quite freely in and out of extended family houses on a whim and decide where they might be staying. Everyone knows their own family dynamic ie who is the parent/gp/aunt etc, but with larger families often aunts/uncles are the same age as neices and nephews and the relationshhips are that of siblings.

70,000 children board in the uk for 35 weeks of the year, why would SS care if you spent 6 weeks with your own family?

Thank you Grucius and BigKite, I must have heard it in one of Lucy Worsley 's tv programmes, that's why I only had half information, not paying full attention. I know her brother came by Chawton from the Knights but had assumed he was just the next male heir in line rather than already established as a family member. Think I'll buy the book, thanks again. Utterly weird practice though.

I'm pretty sure parents are obliged to tell social services if their children are living with any one else other than a parent for a period of more than 6 weeks (I think it's 6 weeks but it could be less). So no, this is not a normal situation.

SS wouldn’t be remotely interested. If you are going to make statement like this, please evidence it in law rather than what you think might or might not be legal requirements.

I don't actually think she did just dream that up. Private fostering was made illegal after the Climbie case, so safeguarding guidelines do have some kind of stipulation about children not living with their parents.

It is imperative that the local authority are notified if a child is living with someone who is not their parent or a ‘connected person’ for longer than 28 days. The local authority need to be satisfied that the placement is suitable and the child is safe. To be defined as ‘private fostering’, the child must be living with that person for longer than 28 days and this should be continuous but can include occasional short breaks.

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1989/41/section/66

I think it is massively dysfunctional and also really sad to have six children you just outsource. I could understand it more (although still awful) if it was a case of an only child and the parents realised they were simply not cut out for parenthood but SIX?!

MonkeyTrap is says if you’re not related

the couple that took one of her brother’s didn't have children themselves and later they asked to adopt him - her mum was all for it though the dad wasn't keen. He did then inherited a large estate.

Edward Austen/Knight did remain close to his family, though. Cassandra and Jane often visited them at Godmersham and Jane was very close to her niece Fanny. They were very fond of Edward's wife Elizabeth too, and devastated when she died leaving a large, young family (death due to childbirth, I think).

My dad and uncles were brought up like this and turned out ok. It's unusual but not necessarily a bad thing.

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis
Yup. Adding clarity.

My grandma had one of my cousins for 12-18 months I think. My aunt was a young mum and had her two very close together on Drs advice. Her DS was placid, her DD was not at all and she became a wilful toddler. My aunt and uncle had both gone back to work and were struggling so DGM took their Dd. She loved babies and little'uns. They all spent a lot of time together as a family, but the Dd stayed with her GPs. DGM then took both cousins after school when they were older and they'd stay in the holidays, too. My aunt and her Dd have a great relationship now and this is very much a one off and unusual in our family.

Not if they are with family, only if private fostering.
Perhaps they just found it too much, or didn't have room?
Common in some cultures for kids to be cared for by extended family but the swapping is slightly unusual. Less so if everyone is close and in and out of each other's houses.

My husband was raised like this. I think it was quite normal in working class families, he grew up east London , all family lived in 2 or 3 streets together and he and his sisters and cousins all stayed with granny and various aunties at various times.
My mother - north London w/c family also did this. Very normal.
Why does it bother you?

PetraRabbit

I think it is massively dysfunctional and also really sad to have six children you just outsource. I could understand it more (although still awful) if it was a case of an only child and the parents realised they were simply not cut out for parenthood but SIX?!

Or a really close family who work together is a mini-community, a unit. I don’t find it dysfunctional at all. I think it’s lovely to be so close to so many. They must feel very secure and lived by all of their family.

**loved

Are they of any particular religion? My partner was brought up as a Jehovah's Witness and there seems to have been quite a bit of child swapping amongst his families and others in the faith. He lived with his aunt for 2 years and was sent over to France to live with an older cousin for a couple of years too. He's 36 so fairly recent. I know one of his niece's who showed signs of rebellion has been "relocated" to another family in the past couple of months.

It can be for any reason if not finances then health or when there is a newborn to look after. During grieving, miscarriage, loss of another child, heavy workloads, children not getting on together, kids wanting to stay over with favourite family member, proximities to school, help with studies, lonely or childless relative, another child with illness or handicap. Healthier rural setting of relatives home, sick child who needs fresh air or prophylactic treatment. Rebellious teens, personality clashes. The list is endless. Family is a support and some families lean on or help each other more than others I think.

These replies are so odd. Of course it isnt remotely normal. In this country at any rate. Odd not to live with parents if no reason not to, odd not to live with siblings and odd not to have a stable home if available.

No wonder they are suffering with issues now in adulthood. The mind boggles.

lljk you are talking shit

It's not the norm of course, but you never know what the reasons for this swapping and changing was, but you seem to say that everyone was reasonably happy about things.

Did they perhaps swop around for access to schools? Does seem strange set up.

sounds like a benefit scam

I was thinking of a case that ended in tragedy: Victoria Climbie. The parents more or less handed young child over to a distant relative for uncertain period.

That case ended in tragedy. But they parents thought it was normal & great opportunity for their child (to her benefit). Not so unheard of at all to hand kids around.

There's a local extended family where everyone lives in each other's homes (maybe 4 or 5 different properties on the same stretch of road). I don't know how it works but rumour is there's some kind of benefits or tax dodge going on. Not clear which house any specific kids are living in.

It's unusual in white British communities but more common in other cultures, several of my friends lived with aunts by the time I knew them as teens because their aunts lived in the U.K. (mostly my friends were born in the Caribbean), it's also common to hand a baby where a couple couldn't conceive in some cultures. The concern is that the kids in this case are having problems, not the living arrangements then

I can only imagine the OP has a partner who was brought up in this family and is now having their own attachment issues.

It’s certainly not conventional in the UK but the issue is how it is impacting on the child now OP surely? Not whether it’s odd or not?