To think this family set up is odd?

[Milkybars]

Nc for this. It's a bit random, sorry, but I'm trying to get my head around something.

Family - mum, dad and six children aged between 4-16 when this occurred. White, working class but with money, British (just for background)

Eldest child is now mid 30s so this is all fairly recent.

They live in the same area of the city as extended family, so within a few minutes walk of various cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles.

From the age of 4 or so, the children have been sent to live with members of the extended family - so child 1 lives with Aunty A, child 2 lives with Granny B, each child living with a different family member except the youngest two. Sometimes there is a swap - so child 2 might go and live with Aunty A and child 1 goes off to Aunty C for a year or two. No particular reasons given for the swap. Children would have dinner at home at the weekends. No social services involvement of any sort. Parent's relationship volatile by my standards, but joked about by the family. Children never seem to be taken out/no family days out

There is no real reason ever given for the children living with these relatives, and nobody seems to have a problem with it, however as adults there is some dysfunction/poor grasp of boundaries/mental health issues/poor parenting. The parents of these children both worked, one parent worked school hours only, there was plenty of money, and the family home was big enough to house all the children, so space didn't come into it.

I think this situation is really odd, and a contributory factor to some of the issues within this family, but others disagree. AIBU?

It's an odd set up to me.

Especially as in this day and age it would probably come under private fostering rules.

I would think it caused some attachment issues because they didn't know where and when they'd move.

Being raised by aunt/uncle/nan etc isn't strange but it's usually a stable permanent arrangement.

It's not normal at all. But if it prevented a greater evil, such as neglect or abuse then I think it was a sensible solution.
I can't imagine those children feel great about it when they start to be adults and have their own children.
Why do you ask OP?

I am another one confused by the replies here
Of course this odd and damaging! Not being with your own parents and being moved around without any explanation? No wonder they all had some level of MH issues later on!

28 days but thats only if it isn't a blood relative

In certain cultures and communities, this wouldn't be considered odd. And I don't think it would cause MN issues if the children were being brought up in a culture where this was the norm. Although it could raise questions for them when they realised it was different outwith the community.

Sounds very old fashioned but basically how expat children were raised in previous generations. Ayah/Amah till 5 ish then back to uk for boarding school and relatives for holidays.

What do you mean by attachment issues?

It is certainly unusual, but as you have said, you don't know the full story. There may be good reasons why the adults involved thought this was the best solution to a problem you know nothing about.

Maybe the parents have mental health problems you know nothing about. Maybe they were neglectful. There could be all sorts of reasons, and MN won't be able to supply them.

An "odd" sounds rather judgemental - and without knowing the circumstances I don't like to judge. This may be the best they could do.

Where do you fit in it all? How old are you compared to the then-children involved?

This used to happen a lot in Irish families a few years ago. I have cousins the same age as me (late 50s) that lived with other family members for no reason that was immediately apparent to other people. Sometimes it was financial need or due to mental ill health but sometimes it seemed to be random. There were also instances of older children being sent to relations to help on the land. It happened in my family and in DH’s family too, so across very different parts of Ireland and the UK.

I totally agree it isn’t and wasn’t good for the children involved or for their relationships with their parents or the hosting parents. My granny was heartbroken when a girl she had raised from age 4-16 cut all contact with her once she left home. A cousin of my DH was mostly raised by an aunt who lived across the bay to her parents, so she could see her family home but wasn’t able to live there with her sisters. She didn’t speak to her mum for over 45 years despite living about 100 yards away in a very small community and when the mum eventually died she didn’t attend the funeral.

My father's family were split up after my grandfather died, with my aunt being brought up by her paternal family while my grandmother and the baby (my dad) returned to her family. It did have an effect on the sibling relationship, as well as the mother and daughter one, and my grandmother was perhaps too clingy with the child she was left to raise, but at least they were brought up in the same home with the same people for the whole of their childhoods. Scottish skilled working class and extended family upbringings weren't unheard of, particularly before the welfare state.

This sounds almost guaranteed to cause problems with the children with all the moving around and instability.

Attachment disorder can have a large impact in later life on all sorts of areas of an adults life. If you add that to them repeating some learned behaviour (I.e parents not being bonded to them they may well struggle to bond with there own children).

@LillithsFamiliar - not necessarily. my DH was raised by his grandparents. To me this is really odd but in his culture not so much. Having said that, this has affected him loads. As others have said, not because he was not loved by his grandparents (in fact he was very much attached to them) but because of the lack of closeness to his mother (father was gone)

That's extremely weird and very harmful. I would be surprised if any of them didn't have attachment issues after that.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Some children barely cope with neat suburban mum dad and two kids, and some thrive in more unusual set ups. I’m not sure how “that’s not normal” really helps or informs anything.

Do these adult children still see their parents or extended family?

Do they now have their own kids?

Who do they live with?

Pretty normal in many cultures. They wouldn’t see it as ‘farming the children out to extended family’, they’d think we had contracted families.

I can’t imagine being passed from piller to post, that must be so unsettling. I found it hard enough to deal with being brought up by my grandparents from age 7.

Knowing that your parents didn’t want you is a very difficult thing to deal with. At least for me I knew that my grandparents loved us enough to take a huge risk (my parents were abusive and when my GPS found out the true extent they took us as basically said to my parents ‘call the police/take us to court if you want them back, but we’ll fight every step of the way”.

@PhossyJaw not White British though?

No, or not that I’ve ever come across — I’m not British.

I’m not sure how “that’s not normal” really helps or informs anything.

Ok, that's not child focused, that's not good parenting, that's not good for children...any of those better?

@PhossyJaw why such a horrible username?

Jonette attachment issues are seen in young children whose parents fail to form a normal established connection with there child from infancy to age 3 or if the child is say abruptly removed from the main care giver at a young age. It’s very common in infants and young children who have been neglected in any sense of the word (emotionally, physically etc). Many children in foster care have attachment disorder due to there background.

The child may demonstrate challenging behaviour, not hold eye contact, shy away from hugs etc, have emotional outbursts, struggle socially and struggle to form relationships. As adults these types of behaviour can continue but are basically as a result of there childhood experiences.

An infant and young child’s early relationships help shape there long term brain structures. If the brain structures are damaged in early infancy due to neglect or abrupt removal from there main care giver the damage can be life long unfortunately.

In solidarity with the London match girls’ strike, which I’ve been reading about.

It's normal in some families to be raised by your Nan or Aunt. My Aunt was raised by her Nan, my Grandma. It just wasn't questioned, she just lived there as my Nan and Grandad worked all hours with their businesses. My Mum and Uncle, however, lived with my Nan and Grandad.

Apparently they asked my Aunt if she wanted to move home with them when she was about 8 and she said no, so they left it.

My friend at worked still lived with his Nan in his 30's. But his Nan was the same age as my Mum 🤷

My Husband lived with his Nan and Grandad. They raised him until he was 7 and his Mum suddenly wanted him back (for child benefit 🙄 and a house).

I think if the generation gaps are small, and Mum and Dad were young parents, then it's a lot more common than some people think.

Oh, and we're all white British. It's very bloody common OP

Thinking about it, even my best mate lived with her Nan when we were at school.