to ask, if you suffer from depression...

[beclev24]

is there anything your parents could have done differently in your childhood that might have prevented/ lessened it?

I know that some depression is genetic/ chemical and some is situational, but I can't help feeling that a lot of it has its roots in early childhood experiences, especially with parents.

Don't want to say too much about my situation in case it skews the responses. thank you.

My dad severely damaged my self esteem. Also made the world a hostile place and was my first bully. This paved the way for severe school bullying. My mum contributed but not her fault, she was ill, but still very traumatic plus the stigma. We had no therapy or support and my mum was out of her depth tackling the school, working class and poorly educated. I strongly believe it’s mostly environmental, albeit with genetic predisposition making it more likely. Reading “they fuck you up” by Oliver James was helpful. Stops you doing it to your kids too, although a bit if damage is inevitable. Perfect is impossible.

Thanks so much. So sorry that happened to you. that's a great book recommendation- will download that now.

Yes.

My parents were pretty good. I guess they probably could pushed the schools to help more with the bullying but overall, no my parents couldn't do anything to help me.
I was hellbent on destroying myself and my turn around point was when I had overdosed and had to be taken to a&e and I saw what I had done to my family, my eldest sister was pregnant and something clicked on me that I needed to be alive.
It wasn't the end to my depression but it certainly stopped my suicide attempts.
I came from a lovely Christian family, with a wonderful church family too.
Depression was so deep in me that it broke me away from everyone and everything that loved me and I loved.
Luckily, for me, my family have been by my side through it all even when I tried to push them away.

I hope you can find a way to break out of your depression. It can be the hardest, darkest times but if you need help, please reach out to someone.
Sending lots of love

Absolutely. I suffered from anxiety and self harmed in my early teen years and my parents brushed it under the carpet. I was never encouraged to talk about how I felt or supported which I found very hard to cope with and made everything much worse.

Been authoritative rather than authoritarian parents. "Let's talk about it", rather than "BECAUSE I SAID SO".

Allowed me to fit in with my peers, eg clothes, activities etc. I was always the kid denied eg jelly shoes or watching soaps, cos they were frivolous or my mum didn't approve of them. So I missed out on shared teenage bonding experiences, which badly affected my self esteem and confidence.

Not been so overprotective, it probably damaged my confidence more than being exposed to the risks.

Not my parents but medical team/school could have recognised my ASD. My parents did when I was teenager and I was assessed but it was formally missed.
My depression was triggered by something completely different, but so much of it could have been helped by earlier ASD diagnosis, social skills training etc.

Well they could not have abused me

Oh yes, and taken the bullying much more seriously from the beginning. They only half heartedly spoke to the school and nothing really was done.

Might have helped not being emotionally neglected and being left to bear the brunt of a twisted, narcissistic sibling for years.

thank you - these are really helpful.
I might as well just say- the reason why I'm asking is because my beloved young DS aged 8 has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and I am devastated. We love him dearly and I am not quite sure where this has come from. I know we are not perfect parents (no one is) but we love him, spend time with him, are kind to him etc.

I want to be as honest as possible with myself going forward about what I can do for him in terms of my parenting and what I need to change- eg "listen to his feelings"- - I think because his feelings often come out as rage/ 'bad behavior' I have been guilty of missing them and treating them as a discipline issue, which I might not do if he was straightforwardly saying "I feel really sad" or whatever.

I have depression and anxiety, DB is Bipolar. Half sister has depression and anxiety but was not in contact with our DF until her 40s (although her upbringing with her M was not good at all)

Paternal GM is depressed.

My parents were supportive and very 'you can do/be whatever you want' although I remember being so frustrated as I didn't know how to be this person they thought I could be, if that makes sense.

They've recently apologised to me for thinking I was just shy, rather than recognising I had anxiety when growing up - it was only diagnosed in my late 20s when I realised not everyone was thinking like I do.

I had no idea how to be outgoing and make the first move, friendship wise. So that would have been good to be taught, and might have made a difference. I'm so desperate for my DD to have those skills, but I don't know how to teach her.

I don't think there is anything my parents could of done.

Other than maybe seen the signs earlier, but I was very good at hiding them.

Yeah. They could have decided I was worth it. But they didn't. Because I wasn't.

But OP please please please think about this...the very fact that you're even questioning this and having this conversation means that the issue with your son is unlikely to be anything to do with how you are raising him.

@justhavinabreak seriously that is the kindest thing you could possibly have said- (which totally disproves the first thing you said btw) thank you.

@JustHavinABreak you are, and are, absolutely worth it.

Op, I totally agree that the fact that you're asking shows that you're doing a great job already. Your reflection on how you've dealt with behaviours/outbursts in the past is spot on. Your ds is lucky to have you

My parents split up when I was 7 as my dad got addicted to cocaine and alcohol due to his depression :(

He got better drugs wise with only 1 rehab stint but struggled with alcohol for many years afterwards. My parents are back together now but the family dynamic changed massively. I suffered most as I was older but my younger brother seems fine. (I'm 20 now)

I suffer from OCD, Anxiety, Depression and an Eating Disorder.

No. Nothing to do with them. Depression was just me.

My parents - my mum in particular - could have helped me when I was bullied at school. I told my mum I was being bullied - I was really upset - and she just said “Sticks and stones may break your bones, but calling names can’t hurt you” - and told me that, if I ignored them, it would stop.

That was it. That was all the parental support I got. My mum never once asked me if things had stopped or got better, and I didn’t dare tell her it was still happening because she had made me feel that she would say I clearly hadn’t ignored it hard enough or well enough, so it must be my fault it hadn’t stopped.

Neither she nor my dad noticed as I got more and more withdrawn and lonely from the age of 10 until the end of Fifth form, when we all moved to sixth form college. At that point I made a few more friends, some of the bullies didn’t go on to sixth form, and the ones that did seemed to grow up and stopped picking on me - but by then it was too late - the damage was done.

I was left with very low self esteem, anxiety and depression - I was having suicidal thoughts by my mid teens - although it wasn’t until I saw a psychologist when I was in my 40s, that she told me that it wasn’t normal or right that I was considering suicide as a teenager, and that I was clinically depressed then.

At the time, no-one noticed. My parents didn’t notice - and neither did my teachers. I didn’t dare actually tell my teachers, because I was so sure that, if I did tell, then when the inevitable backlash came, I would get no support or back up from my mum.

My life is still blighted by depression, low self esteem and anxiety.

nothing to do with my olds

If it had been a thing to diagnose children, I would certainly have been diagnosed around the age of 8. I wonder about the genetic component - my mum and her brother had lots of issues with depression and anxiety as well. Also her brother had terrible insomnia, as do I - but he was my age in a time when it was much easier to get sleeping pills so suffered less.

anyway, just another perspective really - don't think my parents could have done anything differently or that they contributed in any way.

my dad was a massive temperamental PITA when I was a young adult, but great when I was a child.

thanks so much everyone- so sorry to hear all these stories.

For anyone who has mentioned bullying at school- what specifically do you think your parents should have done in this situation? What would have been most helpful/ supportive? Tahnk you

I've suffered from depression since I was 17, there is absolutely nothing my parents could do to prevent my depression. I was badly bullied at school, my parents were up at school every week to try & get it stopped but school did nothing & left me to be beat up & mentally tortured. I've recently been diagnosed with Asperger's which explains a lot, all my life I've thought I was a terrible person, I've had no self esteem or confidence, I'm terrified of people, I have to go shopping when the shops are empty or I cant cope. Childhood doesn't always define who & what you are, outside circumstances can often do more damage.

Yes, my parents' divorce was a horrendous mess of accusations, alcoholism and me and my brother were completely forgotten about. As a result I have EUPD, depression and c-PTSD. I'm trying so hard not to be angry with them but it's not always easy.

Runs in our family, badly, grandparent committed suicide. Don't think it could have been stopped but my mum who suffered could have identified earlier in me to get help, though the fact she was also suffering probably clouded things for her.

I'm sorry to hear your son is unwell, OP. There are many many reasons for an individual to have anxiety and depression.
Re bullying - i was bullied at school - very mild compared to what others have had to go through but incredibly traumatic for me as a very sensitive child. My parents 'listened' but ultimately just told me I needed to toughen up. What would ACTUALLY have helped is
being taken seriously.
being told that the problem wasn't mine, but the bully's.
Practical advice on how to 'toughen up'!! Roleplaying situations for example.
Stepping in and reporting it to the school to take action.

(ultimately some new friends stepped in, reported to a teacher and it was all, thankfully, nipped in the bud )

I hope your son will start to feel better now he has a diagnosis.

There's a group on facebook called 'healing the motherwound' which may be worth looking into if youwant to examine how your own childhood issues may be repeating themselves in your own parenting. It's challenging, but worth it. I also recommend the book "the book you wish your parents had read" by Philippa Perry.