to ask, if you suffer from depression...

[beclev24]

is there anything your parents could have done differently in your childhood that might have prevented/ lessened it?

I know that some depression is genetic/ chemical and some is situational, but I can't help feeling that a lot of it has its roots in early childhood experiences, especially with parents.

Don't want to say too much about my situation in case it skews the responses. thank you.

My bipolar II is likely genetic but the other things are caused by abuse.

What is also genetic is my brains and physical health - good! And the abuse made me very kind and understanding but also quite tough and aggressive. Not a bad thing when you are a woman in this world. Being a wimp doesn't do you any favours in a world stacked against you.

Just the fact that you are concerned and asking tells me that your child is in good hands.

Some of it is genetic, some of it is life experiences. It is what it is.

Not pushing me to achieve so much and holding me to such a high standard which has led to me constantly feeling like a failure.

Taken me to a doctor when I would just burst into tears from about the age of 14 for no reason, and would just cry until I was so exhausted I slept for a day. I think they were in denial but it meant I didn’t get help until I went to uni and realised other people didn’t feel like that

My mother Not tell me as an 11 year old her mum was more important than me or left me chocking with hooping cough at age 8 to stay upstairss with her mum who had dodgey tummy as she needed her. As two examples. Actually put me first

My parents were neglectful, I was the forgotten middle child. Wasn't bought basics like San pro didn't have clean clothes etc looked awful so got bullied at secondary school. They also didn't have any kind of routine for us at home so I would stay up until 3am etc reading from a young age. Think my bad sleep hygiene, lack of routine, appearance and bullying etc contributed to my depression that started from a young age. If my parents had helped me to "do life" better, by creating a stable home life at secondary school it would have really helped

There’s a book specifically more focused on how to not fuck then up, but the first helps if you have your own issues with your parents. Anxiety is very contagious if someone else in the family has it, like phobias. Although my youngest (7) is naturally so and she benefits hugely from seeing her sister’s confident and fearless approach.

I suspect I’d started feeling depression at a similar age but didn’t name it until later. Bullying mostly and I was definitely thinking of suicide as a teen. In the same position I’d definitely move schools, potentially private and home schooling, I’d also move away from the area for a better school or healthier lifestyle. But these aren’t options for many. We are lucky we could stretch to consider these.

In a way though, I did benefit from having to get on with life, become independent. I’m more resilient, even if it’s not healthy. I’m focusing on self esteem and confidence for the kids, but it’s limited by their school friends who have more influence.

My depression is generally triggered by over-working and setting too-high standards.

In terms of Driver behaviour, I have a Be Perfect, Be Strong and Try Hard. My parents, for understandable reasons placed too much emphasis on me being a good girl and working hard at school. They could have helped by giving me the following permissions - good enough is sometimes ok, it’s ok to have needs and it’s ok to be me.

My parents (and teachers) did, but totally unwittingly to be fair to them. I had years of ‘you could do xyz if only you listened more/tried harder/applied yourself’ which lead to a lifetime of low self esteem as I felt I was trying as hard as I could so must just be stupid.

It’s only as an adult when I was diagnosed with dyspraxia that I’ve realised had they known, and had the support had been in place in the 80s how different my life could have been

Not really - quite an unusual extended family set up (or it was when I was growing up), but the main reason for my depression is a series of great losses in recent years compounded by a very stressful job which I used so I didn't have to deal with anything else, which finally blew up in my face & led to a massive breakdown, burn out & delayed PTSD. If I hadn't been through what I have in the past few years, I don't think I'd be suffering with depression like I am now.

Instilled confidence in me. We had a good upbringing (well cared for, well dressed, well fed, nice holidays) and a generally happy childhood but my parents think that being confident is the same as being big headed. I was never told that I'd done well or was good at anything. As as result I was like a mouse in my formative years, awkward as hell in high school and when I was first working and an easy target for bullies. And boyfriends didn't happen for a looong time. Depression kicked in at 21 and it's only in the last 10 years or so that I've started to get a handle on it. I'm a lot better now and will speak out, answer questions etc in front of a group whereas before I wouldn't say a word unless I was made to. I'd get really anxious and sometimes cry. It's taken me a lot of time and work to get to this stage.

Also, it's not a good idea to compare your kids to others (siblings, their friends) and blame them for things other kids have done. Ditto not sticking up for the child when something goes wrong. Losing your rag at a child rather than explaining things to them and asking for their side of the story doesn't really work.

thanks everyone for these kind and supportive messages.

It's so hard at the moment because I feel pulled in so many directions- I want to listen to his feelings and be there for him and be sympathetic, but then sometimes he can be so rude that I feel that I need to somehow 'discipline' him, but then I go back to thinking that he wouldn't be rude if he was happy etc etc and I should just be understanding. It all seems easy in theory but in practice so hard and complicated. He's such a lovely boy and I feel heartbroken for him that he is going through this.

That must be so hard OP. DS1 is 9 and I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Because I'm aware that my parents didn't set out to mess me up I'm crippled with fear and anxiety that I'm somehow going to inadvertently damage my children. When my parents were divorcing I didn't feel like they loved me, so I make sure my boys know every single day how much I love them. That's all I can do. Plus I'm divorced from their dad which ramps up the guilt. This parenting lark is hard!

Are there anny suspected SEN. My DS has dyspraxia and can be rude and argumentative. A lotn f it stems from how he sees the world and how he expects things to be..often children who are on the spectrum in any way feel depressed because they're not quite fittin in and they don't know why.

Adolescence complicates everything. There is a book called Divas and Doorslammers, by Charlie Taylor, in which he explains how the adolescent brain is rewiring during those years - so there is real change going on, and this can lead to them losing some abilities during that time - things like impulse/temper control, empathy, the ability to see that they aren't the centre of the universe.

He describes it as almost a form of temporary brain damage - but it is temporary, they should get these abilities back once the rewiring is done and things settle down in their brains again.

Whilst this doesn't help with the issue of depression or being bullied, it may help explain why he gets rude with you when you try to talk to him. Ds3, in particular, went through the rude and thoughtless stage in adolescence, and knowing about this brain issue helped me to cope with it, because I knew it wasn't the real him, but the rewiring him that was calling me names.

You also asked what the parents of bullies' victims could have done. In my case, I wish my mum had taken it seriously, and had allowed me to take it seriously too. I wish she had realised how damaging the name calling and exclusionary behaviour was.

I wish she had told me that she'd go with me to talk to the teacher - I was in a tiny primary school (10 in the Infant classroom and 18 in the Juniors, and the Junior teacher was also the Head). I am 100% sure the Head would have dealt with it firmly and decisively - but as I said in my earlier post, mum was so dismissive of me that I had no reason to think that any other adult would care more about what was happening to me - or that, if I did go to the Head, and there was a backlash, that mum would support me.

I also wish that mum had checked up on me - whatever we had decided to do about the bullying, it would have been good if she had asked me if things had improved, and had made me feel I had her full attention and that she cared. I wish she'd noticed how withdrawn and lonely I was getting.

I don't see how you can fail to be aware that your child is depressed. Ds3 went through a hard time during his second year at university (and eventually moved to a different one, nearer all his mates), and I could tell, just from talking to him on the phone, that he was depressed, so I offered him all my support and was there for him. And when ds2 was being bullied at primary school, I knew, as soon as I saw him in school (whilst I was in reading with children from ds3's class, and saw ds2 and his class walking through the hall), that there was something wrong. He was a pale, withdrawn shadow of himself. I hadn't seen it before, because it was masked by his relief at getting out of school, and being with his friend, who came around to ours a lot.

But as soon as I saw him in school, I knew there was a problem, and asked him about it that afternoon - and the next day I sent a letter in to the school, detailing the problems and the bullying he was receiving, and made sure it was dealt with.

I can't see how my parents can have been unaware of my mental state, even if they weren't aware of exactly how bad it was - but I suspect my mum did and said nothing because she didn't want the hassle of having to deal with the school and any fallout. Maybe that is wrong and I am being unfair - but that is how it feels - even now.

Sorry - that turned into a bit of an essay.

thanks for the replies. We had him assessed because I did wonder about ASD/ dyspraxia etc but he is not on the spectrum. He does have trouble socializing with other kids though. He kind of shuts down when other kids try to engage with him, unless it's literally the exact thing he wants to do at that moment. I'm not sure whether he is depressed because he has trouble socialising or whether it is the other way round.

It took us a long time to realise he was depressed because it often manifests as irritability/ anger ratehr than sadness. We only just got the diagnosis.

thanks for the replies. We had him assessed because I did wonder about ASD/ dyspraxia etc but he is not on the spectrum. He does have trouble socializing with other kids though. He kind of shuts down when other kids try to engage with him, unless it's literally the exact thing he wants to do at that moment. I'm not sure whether he is depressed because he has trouble socialising or whether it is the other way round.

It took us a long time to realise he was depressed because it often manifests as irritability/ anger ratehr than sadness. We only just got the diagnosis.