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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want mother out of personal life once and for all

35 replies

BeaShehe · 11/06/2019 14:52

Title of thread chosen out of a burst of frustration with this whole situation really.

So I'm in the process of moving to Canada with DP and mum has been acting oddly throughout the process, especially towards DP. Basically, she wants to come along to and live with us for an extended period of time, and expects my own DP to pay for her and keep her afloat! DP is the one with a new job in canada so thats why we're going, DP's parents live in Iran so mum wont stop harrassing us under the pretext of giving advice, helping out. She even expects DP, once 'we're all in canada' to give her and pay her credit card.

Mum has always been ridiculously clingy (I lived at home until 27 because I wasn't allowed to move out before getting married) and controlling.

DP is extraordinarily patient and coming from iran is used to the close family dynamics and isn't too fazed by it. He just laughs it off.
But whenever I'm alone with mum she really tries to get under my skin and guilt trip me: that Im going to canada and leaving her in this mess (she lives in a large house and has everything she needs), that she did everything for me as a child and I'm just prancing off halfway across the world etc.

I'm adamant I want her out of my personal life but I dont see how do so without coming off as unreasonable (am I??) and heartless

I just don't get why on earth she expects dp to fund her lifestyle for her?? Its so weird and frankly taking advantage

OP posts:

Apolloanddaphne · 11/06/2019 14:54

She will be very far away from you soon as you will be in Canada and she won't. Just ignore her histrionics and get on with organising your new life. Don't entertain any notion of her coming out with you. That is a ridiculous idea.

Moneybegreen · 11/06/2019 14:56

DM: "Pay for me to live and give me a credit card"

You: "Ha, that's hilarious! Can you imagine what DP would say if I said such a thing to him? He knows you'd never be so rude and cheeky to ask something so ridiculous. You're so funny"

FishCanFly · 11/06/2019 15:00

Make something up about immigration visas? That its not possible to take her on?

BattenburgIsland · 11/06/2019 15:01

Shes not coming with you is she?! I hope not. Shes being ridiculous. Just say 'no' and dont entertain her ideas further. You have a right to do that because shes being incredibly unreasonable. Its sounds like your husband is great. I dont think you have anything to worry about other than letting her get under your skin. You do not need to feel guilty there are very very few people who would even consider this level of support for their mum. I love my mum very much but theres no way I'd ever even entertain that level of involvement in my life from her. It really isnt normal. Every time she starts to make you feel guilty just remind yourself that this is her issue... shes clearly got some mental health stuff going on because this is not average behaviour from a mum. This is incredibly invasive.

merrygoround51 · 11/06/2019 15:05

This move to Canada offers you a great opportunity to set those boundries with your Mum.

If i could afford it i would pay for her flights for a 2 week visit when I was well settled but that would be it.

I disagree with the Mental Health comments, my Mum is like this and she is simply clingy and we indulged this for too long

Juniperjunojunijune · 11/06/2019 15:08

Have you told her a frank no? As it sound like you haven't?

peardrops1 · 11/06/2019 15:09

I really recommend 'Mothers Who Can't Love' by Susan Forward, esp the section on 'overly enmeshed mothers'. Just finished it, and it was so helpful.

Babyduck2 · 11/06/2019 15:12

Why the hell would she expect her son in law to pay for a credit card, that's so weird!

Just tell her no, to the credit card and living with you, don't pamper to her, she's big enough to look after herself!

pigsDOfly · 11/06/2019 15:17

She sound like a leech, both financially and emotionally.

You need to make it very clear, as in spelling it out, to her that you are going to Canada and she isn't.

Have you fully explained to your DP what your mum is suggesting, because if he knows the full story maybe he won't just laugh it off and will stand with you in telling her this is not going to happen.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 11/06/2019 15:21

Tell your dh to back you up in leaving her behind or he can go with her and you stay behind!!
You are not obliged to sacrifice your future as an adult to keep her happy. She cries and protests you hang up /ask her to leave /walk away.
You don't owe her anything.

Original poster

BeaShehe · 11/06/2019 15:32

hey everyone, the comments are helping me feel better already:)

As regards mental health, she has shown signs of not just unreasonable but violent behaviour of the years.Was physically and emotionally abusive esp. during teens, but at other times she could be the loveliest person

I'm afraid she's gotten used to people taking care of her. My disbelief at the whole credit card thing is that her own husband already pays for her! I dont get it. I told her this and she said, well she's not had much of a life with Dad anyway...

Despite the issues we've had over the years she has been supportive of me at times and she's only ever had me. So I disregarded her nasty episodes, remarks etc. and still tried to be close to her. I think she's terrified of being lonely once I leave, but Im doing my best to make sure she's busy once I leave. For example, I've signed her up to the gym so she can at least go once a day, meet some new people

But move to Canada will give me opportunity to move away from her clinginess also. Its lucky that DP is so patient otherwise this would have caused real strain

OP posts:

EileenAlanna · 11/06/2019 15:37

Lie about everything if necessary. Tell her your DP's employer is providing accommodation until you find your own property & it's only a 1 bed flat, that you wont have your own home for ages until you get to look around the areas for something suitable/affordable. DON'T pay for her to come visit - she won't leave, return ticket paid or not. You'd probably have to chloroform her to get her on the plane home. Tell her you'll be back for an extended visit before she realises you've gone.

PregnantSea · 11/06/2019 15:54

Oh, that's interesting. I was picturing a single woman who is lonely and terrified of losing her daughter... Not a married woman whose husband pays for everything anyway!

She has her husband with her to look after her. She s absolutely fine OP, don't take on this ridiculous shit.

She can fly out for a visit for 2 weeks, maybe you'll pay for her flights as a present if you especially want to, and then she can bugger off home again.

StCharlotte · 11/06/2019 15:58

For example, I've signed her up to the gym so she can at least go once a day, meet some new people

Sorry, this made me laugh! I'd disinherit you if you did that to me

But seriously, good luck with your move and at least she will be out of your hair soon.

tearinmybeer · 11/06/2019 16:03

@BeaShehe No armchair/internet/none of my effing business diagnosis, but have you ever read about Borderline Personality Disorder? I just wonder if any of that seems familiar to you in regards to your mother. Again- just a thought and something you might find interesting- or totally off the mark.

iknowimcoming · 11/06/2019 16:12

Lordy! So was she planning on leaving your dad/her husband here whilst she came to live with you in Canada? How very bizarre! (I've been non-contact with my dm for nearly 8 years - no regrets!)

GeorgeTheFirst · 11/06/2019 16:24

Have you clearly told her no, this won't be happening, or are you pussyfooting around it?

BMW6 · 11/06/2019 16:52

Just repeat "No Mum, that's not happening" to her frankly bizarre demands!

Original poster

BeaShehe · 11/06/2019 17:20

@EileenAlanna the chloroform bit made me smile!:)

Oh and as for the gym thing, she basically doesn't get out of the house and doesn't really have any friends - she really needs to be out and about and the only other club in her area is cricket haha

In terms of how I've responded to her unreasonable demands, I have said 'no' very firmly (and quite loudly on one occasion!) but its never-ending with her.

I can't overestimate how much culture has to do with this. Basically families spend all their time together, look after each other and even contribute to each other's expenses. Everyone feels they have the right to be in each other's business and obvs this creates a very claustrophobic atmosphere.

We're due to leave for toronto in July and maybe I haven't been forceful enough with her, I just don't want to leave her in bitterness or anger

I should also add that once I get to canada I will have to start applying for jobs, look after my children and my DP has to focus on his work.We're are both in our twenties so I am starting to get more and more annoyed at her outrageous demands

Yup, the fact that she is prepared to leave Dad as well for a long period of time and wants me to help her do it makes me sad honestly. Dad has trouble walking and yet all the time she is talking about how she wants to help me and dp with the move yet what about dad???

Glad I got this off my chest on mumsnet. phew

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/06/2019 17:22

Personally I'd give her a fake address and phone number. She sounds batshit, and an emotional and physical bully. I'd not feel like my kids were missing out either.

tearinmybeer · 11/06/2019 17:24

Toronto is really great. I hope you love it there :)

HollowTalk · 11/06/2019 17:26

I would be really sad if my only child emigrated and would want to visit regularly, but wouldn't expect to go with them and be given a credit card to boot!

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 11/06/2019 17:33

I know it's hard OP, but you don't have to do what she asks just because she asks it. She is being monumentally unreasonable.

theworldistoosmall · 11/06/2019 17:33

Don't tell her about your plans.
If she brings it up again, tell her that you have already said no. It's not open to discussion and change the topic.
You are not responsible for her.

Sofasurfingsally · 11/06/2019 17:43

Yes, exactly

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