To want mother out of personal life once and for all

[BeaShehe]

Title of thread chosen out of a burst of frustration with this whole situation really.

So I'm in the process of moving to Canada with DP and mum has been acting oddly throughout the process, especially towards DP. Basically, she wants to come along to and live with us for an extended period of time, and expects my own DP to pay for her and keep her afloat! DP is the one with a new job in canada so thats why we're going, DP's parents live in Iran so mum wont stop harrassing us under the pretext of giving advice, helping out. She even expects DP, once 'we're all in canada' to give her and pay her credit card.

Mum has always been ridiculously clingy (I lived at home until 27 because I wasn't allowed to move out before getting married) and controlling.

DP is extraordinarily patient and coming from iran is used to the close family dynamics and isn't too fazed by it. He just laughs it off.
But whenever I'm alone with mum she really tries to get under my skin and guilt trip me: that Im going to canada and leaving her in this mess (she lives in a large house and has everything she needs), that she did everything for me as a child and I'm just prancing off halfway across the world etc.

I'm adamant I want her out of my personal life but I dont see how do so without coming off as unreasonable (am I??) and heartless

I just don't get why on earth she expects dp to fund her lifestyle for her?? Its so weird and frankly taking advantage

Use the culture aspect to guilt her out over it. Tell her you've tried to bite your tongue but that you're shocked - SHOCKED - that she can even suggest she abandons your poor father, who couldn't possibly travel to Canada even if he wanted to because of his health. Hint that other family members have been tut tutting a few times about it. Shake your head sadly, say you never thought she could have so little regard for family tradition. Wipe away a tear at this point looking

So what if you leave her angry and bitter. You'll be on the other side of the world. She'll get over it. Move and block. This is your passport to happiness.

Thing is, every time I am with her, my kids are with us also. I am terrified she will blow up in front of the kids so I try to be mild

Also my DP is very considerate with her. When I talk to her on the phone, he asks to say hi, every time I visit her he gives me a gift to take to her, she told him she wanted to go to Brighton so he took us all there
Now she probably thinks she has a foothold and is trying to get more from him.
My DP knows I had a difficult childhood but I didn't go into too much overly graphic detail. We were talking this over while we were making dinner just now and he just said 'she'll calm down' and says she is just sad to see me leaving. DP hasn't changed towards her despite her ridiculous demands

Desperate to zoom off and get settled in toronto already :(

Have you looked into this legally? Not sure I would emigrate with a man I’m not married to

Maybe you need to be more open with dh about your past...
He needs to know the truth to support you and keep dm at arms length.
Don't let your dc have her on a pedastal. As they grow up don't allow them the burden of knowing they had a dgm at your expense......

Could she be trying to escape from a marriage that behind closed doors is abusive/coercive?

Even a gilded cage is still a cage.

You need to be firm, visit her without kids and just be frank.

You don't want her upsetting the kids by making out she's coming

Your husband sounds amazing and extremely patient.

@OverseasWorker yes he is, so patient and very loving. He knows I'm sad about situation with dm so he has made tiramisu which has helped me considerably :)
@MitziK not at all - they both get into arguments as each has a short fuse. It was always generally dm who began the shouting matches though. Dad isn't fit now and has trouble walking

I'm starting to think honestly that it would be no loss to dc if dgm threatened to cut of all contact. DP's parents from iran will visit us in toronto in the autumn and MIL is the loveliest person, I really get on with her and the dc skype her every few days so they won't be missing out

I talked to MIL (I am very close to her) tonight about this whole situation, MIL is very much like DP in that they both like to think the best of people so she just said to focus on getting ready for our move, keep calm and to reassure dm that everything will be fine and DP will take care of his own family in canada. His own family :)

You need to read the website daughters of narcissistic mothers and also toxic parents by Susan forward.

Put in appropriate boundaries with your DM, maybe get some therapy if it will help you to, and your life will be so much better.

Her mental heath is not your responsibility.