AIBU about money?

[dorokdorok]

I'm wondering if I might be being unreasonable so I thought I'd see what the AIBU hordes might think.

I work part-time, DH works full-time. He earns more than me. I am employed, but my income fluctuates because I sometimes take on freelance work on top of this. So every month we look at what we've both earned and then split our monthly payment into the joint account accordingly. I think this is fair and I'm happy with this. Most of the time it's him paying 60% and me paying 40%, but very occasionally it's 50/50, and once or twice it has been me paying a bit more.

Anyway. Last year, my parents gave me (us) £24,000. An extremely generous gift made possible because they moved house and bought another, much cheaper one.

DH has never made any assumptions on what the money will be spent on, nor has he even asked me. He is very respectful about that, although as far as I'm concerned, it's our money. I made one slightly frivolous purchase (a very fancy tent and some other posh camping gear), and the rest has been at least partly spent on various home and garden improvements. There is till some money left (about £9k).

Last year, we converted our garage into an office, with electricity going in, nice new floor, roof, lighting, paint etc. It cost quite a lot of money but we paid for it together (it wasn't solely funded by the gift from my parents). We also refurbished our lounge and had a patio built.

Because the patio was built close to Christmas and DH had spent a lot on presents for me and our daughter, I paid for the patio with my parents' money. I didn't ask DH for a contribution, though he did offer.

Anyway, my AIBU is this: we have just had some very expensive fencing put in. It looks really nice, and we are happy with it. It cost just under £4k (it is close-board fencing, which is made up of individual planks of wood, nailed on by hand one by one - that's why it was so expensive). DH did not have money to put towards it, so I paid with my parents' money and asked that he pay me back his proportion towards the cost, which he is doing in instalments.

His proportion of the cost is higher than mine because of the difference in our incomes. He hasn't grumbled about paying towards the fence, but I'm wondering if it's fair of me to ask him, given that I have this money from my parents? I would like to put some of it into the mortgage. I also want some savings - I don't really have any at the moment because a lot has been spent on the house. But I could afford to just swallow up the cost of the fence.

DH wants to overpay the mortgage and is willing to contribute a certain amount of his income towards this each money. But can't he afford to start doing this until he has paid for the fence. I'm wondering if I'm being a bit unreasonable in asking him to contribute? Should I just write it off and then he can start overpaying instead? In the long run, wouldn't that benefit us better? I'm not too sure.

For full background, in the past he's paid the bulk of things and when we bought our house, he had lots of savings and I had none, so he paid most of our deposit. This is another reason why I feel a bit mean. But there is a tiny voice in my head that's also noticing he's spent a fortune on clothes and records recently. And so a small (and probably a bit mean) part of me is asking whether he would have been able to contribute more to the fence if he hadn't spent so much on all that stuff.

I should also add that we haven't argued about this at all, and I'm genuinely not sure what to do, hence this post. Please be gentle with me!

For me it depend. Is he paying you back because you see it as your money even though it was a gift for both of you, or are you asking for it to be put back for savings purposes that will benefit the whole family? First is extremely unreasonable, second not.

I’ve come across a lot of these threads, married couples with very separate ways of dealing with money. This proportion thing I find odd, both long term relationships I’ve been in all the incomes goes into joint account, everything paid and whatever is left is for extras, holidays, home improvements. Pay you back? It’s your house too, pay you back until it’s needed for the house again, I couldn’t live with this kind of arrangement, it’s like flat mates.

I couldn't be arsed to be honest. We both get money, the bills get paid, we spend the rest. We used "my" pension payout on redecorating, we spent "his" on a new kitchen, we spent the rest on a holiday. I cannot fathom saying "well you got 5k more than me so you have to pay more towards[whatever]".

I earn peanuts in comparison to DH, the only discussion we have about money generally is along the lines of "I was thinking of buying [big purchase] do we have enough in the bank".

That seems too weird to me. If you buy an ice cream for your child would you be asking £0.50 from your husband?

I'm nearly in your DH's position.

My DH's parents gifted us £20k last year. They were clear it was for us (although really I see it as his money, if he wanted to blow it on bikes/cars/whatever then fine).

However, DH has been clear that it is our money. We're thinking about getting the garden landscaped which we'll use some of the money for. He isn't asking me to put anything towards it.

We both work FT, so generally other than that things are 50/50 - not strictly but it works for us. I'm on mat leave at the moment and I'll have a couple of months with a much lower income so he will cover all our costs for that period until I'm back to work.

@HollowTalk thank you for clarifying what you meant.

Are you saying that if you worked full time and he took care of your child then you'd keep more of your money for yourself?

That never even occurred to me, no. We don't have the same amount of spending money - he has whatever is left from his salary and I have whatever is left from mine. It's never occurred to me that it should be different - I don't really need to spend masses and I never spend more than I earn.

@tashac89 Is he paying you back because you see it as your money even though it was a gift for both of you, or are you asking for it to be put back for savings purposes that will benefit the whole family?

The latter. I wanted it to go into a bulk mortgage overpayment, or a savings account somewhere. Not for myself. I haven't spent any of the money from my parents on myself apart from £150 on some 'adult' Lego. I don't intend to either but I want to put it to good use somehow for the good of the family, and that is what I was originally asking him to "pay it back" for. But perhaps it makes no difference and is overcomplicating things.

I think I shall retire from this thread now anyway - I did ask you all to be gentle, and thanks to those who have!

DH did not have money to put towards it, so I paid with my parents' money and asked that he pay me back his proportion towards the cost, which he is doing in instalments

I can't imagine ever being in a marriage where I would ask my DH to pay me back money or vice versa . Fair enough if it works for you though!

Anything to do with money is INCREDIBLY personal and something that only you and he can decide on. That said, my husband and I had a very similar situation which I thought might be of interest to you. I was left a similar sum of money by my grandparents. I view this money as ours whilst my husband views it entirely as mine (and I love him for it - Despite me viewing it as joint money, I would have been quite hurt if he has automatically assumed it was 50% his. Completely illogical, but that's emotions and brains for you!).

Unlike your financial set up, we have always put all our salary (minus a little bit for phones and gym memberships) into the joint account. From this I save all leftovers - the savings accounts are in individual names and I make effort to keep the balances roughly 50/50 but we view this money as joint money. I wanted to be able to "know" what I'd spent the money from my grandparents on so it has been earmarked for house repairs and improvements (some of which have already been done) and baby costs (assuming we're fortunate enough to conceive!). If we end up with money leftover then I would consider using it for a big holiday and / or paying a chunk off the mortgage.

Ultimately, you need to come up with a solution that feels fair to you both. If you have no savings because you can't afford to save but he has no savings because he's a spender then I would say that you may need to review how you split your finances. Having a pot of savings for emergencies is incredibly important so in your situation I would be very tempted to keep a substantial chunk as emergency savings rather than throw it at the mortgage (where you'd struggle to get it back in a hurry!)

I want to put it to good use somehow for the good of the family, and that is what I was originally asking him to "pay it back" for. But perhaps it makes no difference and is overcomplicating things.

Your home needs fences, doesn’t it? He’s not putting them up for fun.

if you're going to be that nitpick about money, then I would suggest he should be paying you for childcare

Seriously?

Fuck me some people live odd lives. To even suggest your husband pays you to look after your own kids is mind boggling.

Op you do seem a bit controlling over money. Your initial way of doing things was fine, but this him paying you back for a fence is going too far in my view.

All quite bizarre.

DH did not have money to put towards it, so I paid with my parents' money and asked that he pay me back his proportion towards the cost, which he is doing in instalments

This is the sort of thing I've done with my 20 year old (student) son. He wanted festival tickets and didn't have the whole amount up front, so I paid and he's paying me back bit by bit need to check on that actually, the cheeky swine

He can’t afford a couple of thousand for fencing.
So it sounds like you don’t - as a couple - have a large amount of savings or high enough salaries to cover the fencing cost without saving.
So why on earth, when you had a fabulous gift of £24K, did you choose to piss away £4K of it on completely unnecessary fancy fence panels?!!!
I understand the office / garage as it may have added value, and certainly gives you additional type of space thaw you wanted.
I get that we all have our own ideas of what is worth spending money on.
But I’m aghast that you’re in a financial position that leads to you posting this, yet you spent £4K on bespoke fence panels!

Could you not pool all your wages and then take out say each 400 a month to spend on what you want then the pooled money could be savings and bills and bits for the house and maybe have separate savings? Otherwise this all seems very very complicated for the same kind of outcome!

@Ellisandra So why on earth, when you had a fabulous gift of £24K, did you choose to piss away £4K of it on completely unnecessary fancy fence panels?!!!

Wow, that's judgy. Thank you. You know absolutely nothing about our financial situation and I certainly wasn't asking for your opinion on how we spend our money. You've been quite rude to suggest we are "pissing" our money away. For what it's worth, we live in a very boggy area close to National Trust land and regular fence panels, which were brand new years ago and cost £2.5k anyway, have rotted away and fallen down. We've also paid for a shared fence that our 91 year old neighbour could not afford to fix. Not that this is any of your business and why the fuck I feel I have to justify myself I don't know.

Since I wasn't expecting the thread to turn nasty (though I expect I should have known better), I'm going to ask MNHQ to take it down.

To those that replied without being judgy, thank you.

In this situation I would be hurt and irritated if my partner asked me to pay him back. I'd say it isn't fair of you, no. You just said you consider the gift to be both of your money, and yet you spend some on something for both of you, and make him pay you back over half? Very odd. Most people I know, myself included, just puts money into a joint account and dips in whenever necessary. Not all this - your half/my half stuff. Not in a serious relationship anyway (which I assume you're in with a shared house and a child together).

I inherited some money a few years ago. I saw it very much as mine. I spent the majority of it making our house liveable and hoarded a few grand with the plan of paying our mortgage off early. I'll be doing that this year hopefully (( well when I get round to it ))

I don't think that's weird at all. We all benefited from it and I wouldn't have an issue with my OH doing the same so long as the family as a whole benefited........I'm not very materialistic tho and get quite stressed out by a need to own possessions

Oh ignore the Mumsnet weirdos op. They try so hard to get frothed up they must have a.permament headache.

I've always been brought up with the mantra of 'buy cheap, buy twice ' and this would certainly come into play if I was buying something like a fence. I'd want the best one possible and least prone to rot and decay. Having it installed well will be a big part of the expense.

Some people on here are getting very upset about your fence panels OP

Anyway, as others have mentioned every couple handles money differently. Personally I find it a little odd that your finances are so seperate, but I know that some couples do it this way with great success. If it were me then all of that money from my parents would be family money. Then again, all of our wages would be family money too. DH and I still take pocket money and buy frivolous selfish things on occasion, but we never "owe" each other money, or discuss who pays for what. It all goes into the joint pot.

Are you better with money than your DH? Because I get the impression that you're hanging onto this money from the parents more because you want to make sure it stays as savings, rather than any desire for it to be specifically yours. If you are more responsible with money and you've already agreed to try and overpay the mortgage then I don't think it's a bad thing to get DH to "pay you back" for the fences because you are protecting the savings in order for you both to reach your financial goals, rather than you just wanting to make him pay half for it so that it feels fair.

You state in your op the money ino is both of yours. So unless you're also paying back 50% from your savings, you either don't actually see it as you're money or you're bu expecting him to pay 50% from his wages and 25% of his bit of the shared money

So he'll "pay you back" the money which will be spent on things which benefit you both anyway? It feels a bit complicated! I think if you'd decided to spend the money on something just for you and him not paying it back was stopping that happening, then fair enough. If the money is all going on jointly beneficial stuff does it matter who's it is?

Or is it more that he is spending more on himself than you are on yourself that's the issue?

For me and DH, everything goes into one account from which we get equal "selfish spends for fun" money. Anything mutually beneficial comes from the shared fund!

I couldn’t cope with doing our money like this.

When dh and I got together I owned a house outright and he moved in. We then decided to remortgage for about half the equity to do a huge extension and refurbishments. He works and I don’t so effectively he is / has paid off “his half” although we have never seen it like that- we pool all our income jointly (I have income although I don’t work) and we give ourselves equal spending money.

My mum died in March and as an only child I inherited her mortgage free house, we are now selling it and we will use the money from that to do whatever we wish - holidays etc, and we have agreed we will both give ourselves an equal amount of spending money to do something nice as well as putting lots into savings for dc.

I can’t imagine seeing that money as “mine” and asking dh to pay me back if I paid for something!

DH did not have money to put towards it, so I paid with my parents' money and asked that he pay me back his proportion towards the cost, which he is doing in instalments.

His proportion of the cost is higher than mine because of the difference in our incomes.

Living like this must be so tiring. And boring.

Do you count out crisps so you all get your proportional share?

I think marital money is joint money. There’s nothing less sexy than being tight

I'm a bit concerned that you don't both have the same amount of spending money given that you are only part-time because you are providing childcare. I think you should pool your salaries and after paying the household bills you should each have the same amount of spending money, then you would be able to build up some savings. Does your DH have savings?

Anyway all that aside Op, the really important question is what sort of tent did you buy?