Feel differently after baby?

[Sundancer77]

We have a 10 month old Dd after years of ivf treatments. Almost immediately after baby was born, I felt differently about dp, I’m guessing (hoping) this is normal?
Not sure if it’s hormones or the lifestyle change/stresses which come with a new baby, but I just don’t feel the same anymore. I can’t actually put my finger on what it is, but everything seems different.
He’s a brilliant dad and adores our Dd. At the start, I did feel some resentment as felt v overwhelmed, especially as dd had bad colic, but I just don’t feel the same level or respect or love anymore.
Is it possible that as soon as you have a baby, all your love goes to them and it basically dies in your relationship?

Feeling less 'in love' I can understand what with being over tired and consumed with taking care of the baby. But to lose respect? My respect for dp increased when I saw how well he could take care of us. Is there maybe something you'd like him to do differently? Or just an apology for being crap at the start?

If anything I've felt more love for DP since the baby was born, but didn't go through the same struggles you have.

Maybe it's more that for so long you've been so focussed on having a baby that you feel like you no longer have anything in common (as that was the thing that was bonding you both)?

You should go on some date nights and spend some quality time together and see if those feelings come back.

Of course having a baby changes things, but I think your love just expands, rather than moving from your partner to your LO

My feelings towards him changed in that I knew that if he ever wronged me I wouldn't hesitate to end things and protect DS in whatever way possible, whereas once I'd have maybe forgiven etc. However, I still love DH with all of my heart, fancy the pants off him and respect him.

Oh that’s sad OP. Why have you lost respect for him?

It won’t help but I’m another one who loves and respects my DH more after having a baby. We didn’t have ivf but we had a lot of miscarriages before this one stuck and went through hell and back so having her is a dream come true and the whole experience has brought us closer together. Seeing how he is with her, what he does for both of us, makes me love him more all the time and he feels the same way about me.

Is it that you feel your life has changed and his hasn’t? That you’re doing more than your share with the baby and he’s living the same life he was before?

When I say ‘Respect’ I’m not sure if that’s what I mean. We’ve had big financial struggles and I expected him to ‘Step up’ more, I assumed with a child, his instinct to protect and provide for baby would kick in more strongly, whereas I feel I’ve taken on those worries more..I guess I want the best for her and I see him as still a bit immature? It just all feels different.
I also do feel resentful of the amount I have taken on and how I’ve really had to make it loud and clear that I need a break/a lie in etc etc. I felt very alone at the start and feel a bit resentful for that. I have said all this and he has tried to sometimes make changes.
I suppose I feel like I’ve changed so much, whereas hes stayed the same 🤷‍♀️

I do believe hormones have a lot to do with it and tiredness will not help.

It’s tough as a woman really, the burden of children is very much on us whether we like it or not- biology dictates it. We obviously carry them and deal with all those side effects then give birth and again, side effects = bleeding for weeks after, leaking painful boobs, possibly breastfeeding for months etc. Also paternity leave is a joke in the UK so generally they get to return to work after a fortnight and it seems like nothing in their life really changes.

I resented my DP for a while after DS was born. I used to sit glaring at him and sometimes cursed at him while he blissfully slept as I sat up for hours feeding a newborn. It has lifted as DS has got older and started sleeping better and feeding less. I feel dreadfully guilty about needing to return to work in a couple of months as well but don’t think DP had any of that guilt, that annoyed me.

I loved and respected my husband more with the birth of our children. His love and concern for my eldest (who is not biologically his) when our next child was born and his absolute prioritisation of us - me and our children made my love grow so much. We are many years down the line now with a 14, 11 and 6 year old and I have always known he’s got my back and will keep trying even if he’s exhausted as I will too. Life before children is generally much less testing of a relationship and if you feel let down by your partner, it’s not surprising you feel this way. Talk to him....his life should have changed dramatically too and if it hasn’t, he’s not shouldering his fair share of the burden.

He works 8-5.30 Mon-Fri in admittedly, a physically tiring job, I was made redundant after baby, from my teaching job and have since managed to get some extra tutoring work to manage around when dp returns from work. I’ve also since arranged for a new job for him with more pay (should I have to do that?) He wouldn’t work extra jobs or Saturday’s when offered extra little jobs and we were desperate for money, I just didn’t get it and with a new baby, it’s made me really question his ability to provide and look after us (not in a sexist way) and it’s made me see it will always be down to me. I remember when growing up, my father was made redundant, he took any extra work going, packing at the airport, selling door to door (all v different jobs from his career) but he had a family to provide for.
I suppose when you have a child, these issues take on more importance, whereas he didn’t seem to think the same way.
I was looking back on pictures of us on baby moon with my big bump this time last year, all was good, he came to every appointment with me, really looked after me..things just seem so different now..it is sad.

There is a period of renegotiation in a relationship post kids, and it comes at a time when you are least equipped to have the conversations you need to have. Everyone is tired, you are hormonal, there is less time and head space to figure everything out.

I wonder if the IVF struggle bonded you, gave you a focus and now that's gone it's hard to see common ground.

I would allow yourself to feel how you feel without the guilt, give it time and maybe seek a marriage counsellor to help navigate it.

Do you think perhaps you had some existing problems in your relationship that have become clearer to you since you had your child? I remember thinking when I had my first that I'm lucky my DH is a responsible, caring and supportive guy, because having a partner who didn't pull his weight for the family would have been worse than being single.

Jesus Christ - if that’s true I’m never having kids I hope you feel better soon OP - hopefully this is just you adjusting to a massive change and it will all settle into place again one day

I think I felt like I loved my husband more after we had children. Things do change in your relationship after children, I don’t know how anyone can say that it doesn’t, there’s another person wanting your attention who your entire life revolves around. I’d say our relationship is different and has stresses and strains it didn’t once have but the love is stronger than ever.

Maybe going through ivf has something to do with how you feel, I assume you went through a lot to have a baby and put a lot of time, energy and potentially money into getting there. Maybe you built up this perfect family life a bit too much and your husband isn’t living up what you imagined he’d be like as a father? I didn’t really have any expectations when it came to family life, I knew my husband would be there but I never really thought about how much he’d help out etc.

I understand what you said in your second post. I think I felt the same, and dp also felt like I had a lot less time for him so we struggled.
I would just say if you need help or expect him to do more you need to tell him straight out. And try and make some time to things together, even something as simple as having a nice takeaway meal whilst your dc is asleep so you can both enjoy it.
I know it's hard but you can work through it.

I feel the same OP

But the financial problems are not his fault. You were made redundant and had loss of income. He works physically tiring job. He wants to see his child. Why should he pick up extra work - he would never see his baby. Perhaps hes happy in his job and doesnt want a new job. You sound very controlling and blaming him

Why cant you work a weekend jo

I’m not controlling at all. He hates his job and it’s crap pay (not his fault, the country we live in) but never looks for anything else.
I do work weekends (on Saturdays tutoring and after he finishes work) this is all on top of sole care for baby and doing all the night duty (baby doesn’t sleep well) so am I expected to do even more? 🤷‍♀️I can’t see how I actually can.

It was a temporary situation where we desperately needed money and I was the one busting my ass looking for extra work, shouldn’t we both have been doing that 🤷‍♀️

10 months seems a long time. I was a bit like this but only for a few weeks.

He already works 8:00-5:30 Mon-Fri and you’ve lost respect for him because he won’t work weekends too? Seems harsh if I’m quite honest. Do you only see your DH as a provider? Don’t you want to spend some time with him together as a family? I understand money is a worry but unless you’re in serious debt and at risk of losing the roof over your heads I think expecting him to work his weekends too is unreasonable.

We were at risk of exactly that @pringlefan

I definitely don’t see him as only a provider, I’ve worked since I was very young, always worked more hours and brought in the higher wage. For once when I’m dire straits when I’m struggling with a new baby after no sleep etc, I expected him to step up to things to help temporarily in a very tough situation, yes.
Of course I’d prefer us to have family time, I would’ve preferred us not to have been in the situation at all, but if you can barely afford food that week, you do whatever you can, in my eyes anyway.

Things were never worse than when our first who is now 5 was a baby. I had PND and was resentful of all the changes I gone through especially physically that he got off Scott Free with.

Think it's mostly hormones, he was so hands on when DS came I respected him more than ever. He couldn't help much with DD as until 2 she screamed whenever away from me.

I didn't think you could be made redundant when on maternity leave? Teachers are hugely in demand all over the country. You should find it easy to get another job
Unless that is , you think it is the man's responsibility to be the breadwinner and provide for his family?
Years ago, I did exam marking when on maternity leave.It meant that I gained valuable experience that helped me progress at work.
if you are concerned about finding a teaching job, try the website e-teach or even the Mumsnet jobs section. I guarantee you will find any number of jobs.
You do sound a bit entitled and controlling.

There are certain protections but yes you can be made redundant on maternity leave