Feel differently after baby?

[Sundancer77]

We have a 10 month old Dd after years of ivf treatments. Almost immediately after baby was born, I felt differently about dp, I’m guessing (hoping) this is normal?
Not sure if it’s hormones or the lifestyle change/stresses which come with a new baby, but I just don’t feel the same anymore. I can’t actually put my finger on what it is, but everything seems different.
He’s a brilliant dad and adores our Dd. At the start, I did feel some resentment as felt v overwhelmed, especially as dd had bad colic, but I just don’t feel the same level or respect or love anymore.
Is it possible that as soon as you have a baby, all your love goes to them and it basically dies in your relationship?

Your baby is 10 months old Go back to work (part time at least), it will make you feel better all round.

@mrsmuddlepies I was made redundant two weeks after I came back. We’re not in uk, that would be very easy to find a job..doing anything! It isn’t like that here.
But thanks for that, it’s hard when you come on for a little advice and end up being made to feel a whole load worse.

@mrsmuddlepies I do work part time! I work every evening when partner comes home so he can be with baby and I work the weekends..?!

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Perhaps you might even consider swapping with your husband so that he becomes the SAHP whilst you get a full time job.jobs.mumsnet.com/jobs/education/

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It's normal for some, but with long term infertility (that was me for 13+yrs) and IVF treatments OP, they can sometimes have been the only thing that kept you together when it otherwise would've fizzled out naturally.

You need to figure out whether it's new parenting fog and finding your footing again, or whether it was just the drive to have your child that kept you together in the first place. Neither is bad. That child can be the drive that keeps you together too, and to work on it, if you both want that.

@mrsmuddlepies Please read my posts fully before commenting. We don’t live in the uk, I cannot get a job in the uk. I work part time alongside basically all the childcare, I’ve worked full time all my life, worked the most hours, brought the most money in, the issue isn’t just about working. If you can’t offer any constructive advice about my relationship situation without putting a judge mental slant across about how you don’t feel I work enough, then please don’t comment.
@WhiteRedRose I’m sorry to hear that, it’s so difficult isn’t it? 10 years infertility here with an emergency ectopic, 2 miscarriages and years of ivf..it’s sad to think that that’s maybe what kept us together 😢 but is a possibility, did you stay with your partner, if you don’t mind me asking?
We adore our girl and am so so happy she’s here..perhaps it has been the stress of all those years plus now the redundancy and money worries etc etc..it’s been a lot to cope with, I just want us to be happy together with our girl 😢 I wish I’d stop feeling like this 🤷‍♀️

OP - sorry to hear you are struggling emotionally. For what its worth, I think Id like to look back and say I loved my DH more.... truth of the matter was we had two children within 15 months, run our own business and our first child was born with an unknown condition that we didnt fully know about until our second born child was 2. We had a devastating death in the family and a serious operation of my DF that nearly killed him. All in a period of 18 months.... and then we got married.....

In our 18 year marriage I have never come as close to leaving him as I did after our wedding. What Im saying is that tough times can cause immense pressure. Its not for people on the internet to tell you what is going on here, but maybe its almost like a "comedown" from the huge period of stress?

You have had countless heartbreaks, and then a baby which in its'self is an emotional rollercoaster and brings a whole host of issues. You dont say if you live near any of your parents, but Im guessing you might not have too much help? You have been made redundant and lost your sense of self indentity - which as you say yourself is something you have had from a young age. And now because of looking after the baby, you cant just go back to work FT and magically "fix" all of this.....

My only advice is that resentment and stress have an impact on relationships. Talk to DH and come up with a plan together. I adore my DH and I love him more than I will ever love anyone. I know this because he is the only man who will ever father my children. But did the stress of early years and everything else going on nearly break us - yes absolutly. It can be fixed OP but you need to do it together.

@DelphicOracle Your post has just had me in tears right (very tired and emosh at the minute!) yes there’s been a LOT of stresses over the years, huge upsets alongside the ivf and you’re right, we live abroad, so no family here...we’ve had two hours alone together when one of our friends looked after Dd. I’d say I myself have hadn’t maybe total of under 10, maybe 5 hours just by myself in 10 months.
It’s the strangest thing as this is what we waited so long for and she’s most definitely made us so happy..finally something went right for us 💜

*Tears right now

Oh you poor thing..... deep breath.... first of all - none of this is broken. Its just gone a bit wonky. Small children are wonderful but also v tiring and quite frankly - boring. Im not a massive fan of babies tbh - I adore my kids but I found the baby stage unenjoyable.

So talk to your DH - it sounds like he is working physically hard and in the time hes not working - you are trying to cram in private tuition. Which doesnt leave a lot of time for reconnecting and chilling out. But you do need to reconnect.

Tell him how you feel - tell him that you understand how he feels and blame never makes things better. Only you know if living abroad is still the right answer, is it better for you to go FT and him to go PT or be a SAHD. These things can only be fixed by the two of you. Draw comfort in the fact that you both love you DD and want the best for her and that youve been through a lot - which means you are stronger than you feel. Talking fixes a lot of things. And when it doesnt its quite often because its too little too late. Good luck -

Thanks so much @DelphicOracle 💜 Very kind of you!

sundancer77 you have gone from having a lot of time together to none, a lot of the time you do have will be fraught and exhausted. Are you able to maybe put DC in childcare a few hours one day a week? take a swim? One thing which I know has helped DH and I was my going back to work, we both work 9-5 type jobs, I found I was so lost when he got home when i was on mat leave - i NEEDED the adult company, the conversation, to be Q and not just DS Mum. Are you somewhere where you may be able to get a babysitter for an evening? Even just for an hour at McDonalds for you and DH to sit together without DC?

Thanks @QforCucumber Recently I’ve been feeling we REALLY need a babysitter for a bit 🤣 our Dd is actually pretty ‘Good’ mainly but I still find we barely get a proper conversation in as she bfs to sleep on the couch at night and then sleeps with me, so really we get on average an hour or two in front of the tv at night (with her on my lap 🤷‍♀️)
My parents come to stay every few months for a couple of weeks but haven’t offered to babysit, I have hinted lots though.
I’m not asking for a big night out just a bit of time, we haven’t had chance to reconnect I guess as have had so much going on and when I do try to have a conversation, he’s only half listening as is playing/chatting to Dd etc, which is great and to be expected, but there is a big gap between us now, I do actually miss when it was just us, as much as I adore our dd, it’s a big adjustment, we were together for so long being just the two of us (well, with our dog 😁) that the dynamic has changed and takes some getting used to.

Sundancer77 Our DS is 3, god there are days we wish it was back to our lazy Sunday hungover mornings, stumbling into the local Carvery rather than being awoken at 5:45am with shouts to watch toy story and being hit on the head by Buzz Lightyear.

I think I misunderstood your initial post in my first one on the previous page, I did resent my DH freedom when I was on mat leave, that he got to go out and speak to people and have a life while i stayed at home all day entertaining this baby who was so longed for but also really boring. That resentment for us didn't grow as i was able to return to work when DS was 10 months, and we both got that break. I made the decision to stop bf at this point too which helped me feel a lot less touched out. Don't hint at your parents, ask them directly if it's ok for you and DH to pop out for an hour or 2? We do, I know my mum doesn't come to visit us she is there to see DS, so we make the most of it and do a runner if she comes over. Yes having a much wanted child is amazing, but it's a change, and neither of you have ever done it before so you're both going through the motions of learning about this new life with no break, he may also resent the amount of time you're getting with your DC and wish he could spend more time with you too.

I understand totally where you are coming from. Having a baby, being chronically sleep deprived and being under relentless pressure to be the one who does all the caring, really focuses your attention on the shortcomings of the other parent... and if they’re not stepping up and relieving some of the burden, it will cause resentment.

Hugs x

@Cathmidston That’s it 🤷‍♀️ Thank you x