Is this the right decision

[PookieDo]

My DD is doing her GCSE’s. She has anxiety and some emotional attachment issues. It may be her age but she has a strong sense of injustice when she is left out of knowing things (even small)

Someone (an adult) she was close to as a young child has tragically passed away. DD had not seen them for some years for lots of reasons but she was very fond of them and has fond memories

When I found out I asked our whole family not to tell DD. I don’t think she will benefit from knowing and I think the circumstances of their passing will really really upset her and she needs to focus on her exams

Her exams end on Friday though so I could possibly tell her then but I think she will dwell on it and be sad and I am so torn. She’s 16 and old enough to be told these things and I believe in honesty but does she really need to know and will it benefit her to know? Is this part of growing up I need to treat her more maturely and not try to coddle her

Are you just planning on not telling her ever? I would be really annoyed if I wasn't told if I was her. I think you should tell her once her exams are over

You need to tell her after the exam imo.

I would tell her on Friday

You need to tell her after the exams. What if she ever mentions them are you all going to continue a lie? Has everyone been told one lie to stick to? I really think sooner or later it will just come out anyway so better be told in a calm and sensitive way.

My DS is the same age, I wouldn't tell him before Friday, but once exams are done you need to sit her down and tell her.

Tell her straight after the exams. You have a very good reason not to tell her before, which she will understand, but any further delay really will backfire - she's 16, not 6. Not telling her because of her anxiety etc is an own goal I'd say - it will simply underline to her that you feel she can't cope, is to be looked after and treated carefully... presumably all the things your aim is to get past. Don't patronise her. Tell her, offer support, and treat her like a normal (near) adult who will of course be sad, angry, upset... all normal feelings that she needs to learn to deal with positively.

You need to tell her, she has anxiety issues but that doesn’t mean she can’t cope with any emotional/unpleasant news. I have anxiety and would feel very upset if someone didn’t tell me about a death because of it, she should be given the same opportunity to grieve as anyone else. Tell her after the exams and support her as much as possible.

You must tell her at the appropriate time.

That is not now (exams) but it is also not later than the weekend, when it is close enough to explain that you didn't want to upset her in exam-time but you trust her to handle the news.

Have you thought about the funeral? She may wish to go.

Thanks yes this has made me decide I will tell her over this weekend. She’s seeing her friends on Friday evening for a end of exams celebration so I will talk to her after that

I felt really uncomfortable about never telling her because of her age but feel I was right to let the exams pass first

I just asked our family not to discuss it around DD for now and they all agreed. Not to lie in any way

@NoSquirrels

Unfortunately she wouldn’t be able to go anyway as it clashes with an exam so she doesn’t have that choice

Just saw your update, was going to ask if she was going out after the exams. Sat is fine, will she be able to go to the funeral or will it have already happened?

Does she have ASD or are the emotional issues in isolation? I think you need to tell her, even if you wait until her exams finish. Learning to deal with these things is part of growing up and if you infantilise her by protecting her from this aspect of real life you don't allow her to develop coping skills. You'll also send her the message (as she'll inevitably sometimes find out anyway) that you think she's not able to handle real life.

She has no diagnosis but a lot of PDA traits
As she gets older she is coping better with stressful things but still can be quite ‘explosive’

She has health anxiety and this may trigger it but I will just be extra supportive and I really hope she understands why I didn’t tell her sooner although I think she will be cross with me about that

I’m a bit mystified why you assume she’ll be so upset over someone she hasn’t seen in 10? years, if you are very fond of someone why would you not be in touch? Perhaps you’re overthinking this and to ask your family to keep secrets is a bit much.

Teens are often upset. That's life.

My DC (much younger) were upset we didn't tell them about cancer diagnoses in the family. But that the right decision as their parents. Sometimes you have to endure the upset knowing it was still the best decision.

The circumstances of the passing away are tragic and will leave more questions than I can answer I think but I’ve had time to think about what I will say.

DD was too young initially to understand why we didn’t see this person as much but I don’t want to go into details but it surrounded mental health. DD gets very attached to people and takes things very deeply and finds them hard to process, she is very sensitive. I have a DD2 who is a bit younger who is quite pragmatic and I am quite certain will feel sad about it but she will cope with it and process it much more smoothly than DD1

I just know her well and she is emotionally sensitive which is why I feel over protective of her

Being over protective will not help her anxious feelings, you need to encourage resilience. She is 16, you describe her to sound like she is under 10. If she’s had no contact for many years I doubt she’s attached to this person, tbh your attitude probably does nothing to alleviate anxiety. Pandering, coddling her and hiding upsetting things from her will do no favours, one of my DD has had awful anxiety but as an adult is doing well and is independent, has a great career etc

What Bookworm4 says. With the best will in the world you cannot protect your DD from life (and death in this case) forever OP and you would be doing her a disservice by doing so.

She will be attached to the memories she has. She struggles with attachment to people as in finds the feelings of sadness or rejection very overwhelming and stressful. She worries a lot about people she loves. She isn’t very independent yet (getting there)
Even though she hasn’t seen that person for a long time she will have strong feelings. Because that is who she is

@Aprillygirl

I’m not trying to do that though, Bookworm doesn’t understand that I am not describing your average 16yo

I always wish I never post about anything to do with her because it is complicated and no one gets it

I understand delaying the sad news but are you really considering pretending someone hasn't died? The fact that she might well find out inadvertently aside, death is part of life and not allowing your daughter the opportunity to learn how to deal with death is doing her a huge disservice.

@PookieDo
If you’d read my post properly, you’d see I have a DD who suffered with anxiety, but you are treating her like a baby, you seem resistant to encouraging resilience and honesty. She needs to learn coping skills, have you considered counselling? To be attached to someone she hasn’t seen in years isn’t healthy and you seem unwilling to change anything and now expect your family to pander to her, unfortunately the world can’t stop for your DD.

She struggles with attachment to people as in finds the feelings of sadness or rejection very overwhelming and stressful. She worries a lot about people she loves.
A very odd comment considering she hasn’t seen this person she was fond of as a small child, has she never before questioned why there’s been no contact? Has she not been upset about this before?

I would tell her on Friday too, I think it’s the kindest thing to do. You don’t want her to cock up her last exams.

Not asking the world to stop

I am overall wondering whether some things are worth knowing though. And the consensus is yes she needs to know and I am going to tell her!

Like you say she hasn’t seen them for a long time. Yes she has asked and we gave a child friendly version that they had not been very well. And yes, she was upset she hadn’t seen them and it wasn’t intentional to never see them again it just happened

Maybe it is an odd comment to you, that’s your opinion. At no point did I say it was healthy either and as I have come for advice, agreed with it and am going to do it I don’t really see where I am pandering or resistant!

Yes she has had counselling multiple times but doesn’t want to engage anymore or at the moment

Thanks for the advice to everyone else I think I will leave the tearing off strips though seen as someone I cared about died, I have to tell my DD and she is stressed with exams. Very supportive, thanks people!