Do I buy what she wants or just what she needs

[expat101]

Looking for suggestions, please. In May Mum weighed in at over 108 kilos and is 6 foot tall.

My Father died nearly 5 years ago, and since then, Mum has gone from using a walker to deciding she cannot walk so relies on a wheelchair. This was supplied by a rehab hospital after a fall to assist with her fear of falling.

Mum was diagnosed with dementia not long after Dad died (I'm aware he ended up being her carer) and he put into place with Mum's Doctor for the testing to occur if he didn't pull through an operation. However, it's not taking the ''normal'' path of forgetfulness, rather she goes through angry, lying, and abusive cycles coupled with periods of calm and pleasantness. If she doesn't get her own way, she becomes nasty, whether that is directed at me or nursing staff.

Because of her confinement to the wheelchair, she now lives in a private hospital. The staff are fantastic and the care is 2nd to none.

The staff have to use a large hoist which isn't the small lightweight frame type, but rather similar to a small bulky crane, to get Mum on and off the toilet (extra high chair already in place) and out of bed.

After the big weigh-in, I received a text from the hospital advising there was to be no more biscuits and chocolates, which I buy each week along with additional fruit and personal needs.

Mum claims she isn't eating dessert now (although was on the warpath when pavlova didn't make an appearance one meal time recently).

At the beginning of June, her monthly weigh-in was just under 108, so good news there however she has started to ask for biscuits again and now has decided she wants a bottle of sherry for happy hour glass.

Mum had a dietician visit her last year, however, she tells me she can eat whatever she wants, the hospital does not stop her.

I have refused to buy any more biscuits unless its a special occasion like Mothers Day and the sherry until the Doctor/hospital confirms that it is ok. Of course, their ok hasn't come through so Mum retaliates by saying she will go and get drunk on their horrible wine instead... (it's like negotiating with an under 5-year-old terrorist).

I have emailed the Senior medical officer which has been acknowledged asking for direction but she hasn't responded in full. I know they have other issues on hand than worry about this sort of carrying on, but it doesn't resolve the issue with Mum.

My family say I should buy all the chocolates, biscuits and sherry she wants and let her go to it. One of her Brothers is upset that she will do nothing to get back into some sort of shape, even if only to move on and off the toilet unassisted.

Mum is quick to email newspapers when she is one of her angry cycles and her emails do get published. I have a fear that one day she will go too far and be expelled from the private hospital where she lives.

The computer is the only form of communication she has with her family and I'm loathed to take it from her. She relies on it very much, reading overseas newspapers, links to articles my Uncles have sent her, seeing family photos roll around on screen saver etc. Once a month I have to fiddle with it to get it up and running again as she will crash or lose a programme.

I have had the mental health team visit her more than once, and her Doctor has her mental state re-assessed annually which shows further deterioration.

So that is my predicament. Do I buy the biscuits, chocolates and sherry or try to enforce a stricter reduced calorie diet even though she can eat what she likes at the hospital (I think they let her go for it in the name of less arguing and upset).

Thanks for taking the time to read... and sorry to off load.

Thank you all for your time and thoughts. They are really appreciated! Reading the 4 pages, I think every one of you touched on the yes/no debate I'm having with myself over it. There is no quick and easy solution is there...?

The hospital where Mum lives is brilliant! It's very much set up like a 4 - 5-star hotel. She has her own ensuite, the weekly menus patients are given to order from have 3 food choice options each mealtime/course and these menus are rotated on a seasonal basis.

Wednesdays are a ''chef's choice'' day where they might get to try something new or in keeping with a celebration theme.

Happy hour also includes crisps and Mum has told me earlier on, she was eating those too.

Fruit is available, I take in extra for her. I have seen biscuits in her container that I haven't bought and they are usually the same as what the hospital has available for patients on the counter.

The hospital has an excellent reputation with very long waiting lists.

It is a very desirable place to be if you have to go into such facility and I know she is very well looked after in there.

Today she mentions the biscuits she wants are shortbread so she can dip them in her morning cup of tea when she wakes up (she is an early riser) to take her through to breakfast at 8. I get that, we always had biscuits in bed at home when I was a kid so see her point there...

She has been assessed as a two carer patient, that is, one carer is not allowed to try and move Mum on their own. She is a size 24 so is a big Gal, and unfortunately a ''dead weight''. During hoisting procedure, her behaviour isn't positive and can add to the ''trouble'' of getting her into the correct position to handle.

Those of you working in rest homes/hospitals will understand what I mean and I esp. want to thank you for your responses from your experiences.

Last night I emailed the Head of Nursing to let her know it would be best if we can sort this out asap. I believe from Mum the Doctor is going in there today, and she intends to see him to ''sort this out''. This usually means Mum will give me one story and I will get another from the hospital. I'm not blaming them at all either, as I have sat in on assessment meetings with Mum and her recollection of what was said and meant has been totally different to mine down the track.

An earlier poster pointed out that this could go on for many years and its something I believe to be true. I have attended dementia support group meetings for families and the take away message from those is no one can tell you exactly what is going to happen, how long for, and when. it's only after death if they choose to examine the patient's brain, can they see how the disease has affected certain parts of the brain. In the early days, she was taking medication which delayed the ''progress'' of the disease however that had a used by date and is of no further benefit to Mum.
Thank you all again for your thoughts. xx

Just one more supporting hug from someone who is both studying nursing and working in the industry, and who is medical power of attorney for someone who is in a similar stage as your mother - although still living alone. (The current dilemma.) It’s so very hard when you are the one doing the hard yards and every man and his dog has an opinion, and the answer is not as simple as everyone else makes it out to be. I think making it a medical decision rather than your choice is very smart, if it can be charted and written above her bed for all to see - even better! X

I think wanting a few biscuits before her breakfast, will put weight on her.

Especially if she isn't moving at all.

So she has biscuits and treats available. They just dont want additional treats brining in. She is already stashing biscuits.

I would ask the question if you can bring them and they give her them but monitor how much. If they give wine (which I am betting is monitored and i doubt she actually gets drunk) is it a big deal to give sherry?

As I said before there could be reasons they are reluctant to do this. But it's best you understand the reasons. If this is the case.

It's not easy. We were in a similar situation with my grandad. One auntie smuggling stuff in. Especially alcohol. Caused the home all sorts of problems. Adult social services were involved and he did become at risk of losing his place in the home because of his behaviour when drunk. Ot was a fabulous home, but no one could expect the carers to deal with his aggressive drunken states.

As I said before Adult social services supported the home and the rest of us and that auntie was only allowed visits in common areas, that were supervised.

Then he would be upset that she stopped bringing him things. It was so difficult and you have my sympathy. Navigating this isnt easy at all.