Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU- 16 year boy, parents not around

42 replies

hazelnutalphabet · 10/06/2019 22:12

I'd appreciate opinions on this if possible please. Have name changed in case identifiable. Boy known well to me, just turned 16- doing National 5s (equivalent of GCSEs in Scotland). Has an older brother who is now off to uni.

The DM works and is a single parent, the father not on the scene. The DM works 9-5, and spends all evenings away from the home- with live-out boyfriend mostly. The DS 16 eating alone every evening, very demotivated with revision etc. The mother is not back until late. It is similar at the weekend, the DM engaged in various hobbies, the son spending almost all of his time outside of school alone. I believe this isn't the son's choice. The family live rurally, so the DS can't really engage in any hobbies etc with others within any walking distance/no trains/buses nearby.

The DM has voiced that she no longer sees her son as a priority and feels he should use his own time to study. Son failed prelim (mock) examinations earlier in the year however, his mother was angry about this- but didn't offer anything really in way of support.

Son is an intelligent, though now demotivated boy. He has had mental health difficulties as a younger child, though seems to have recovered from these- though is obviously at risk of things recurring again. He has voiced to me that he 'hardly ever' sees his mother. He seems happier actually when we can have him for a weekend- though obviously this isn't a long term solution.

I get a sense he feels his mother doesn't care about him.... and to be honest, I can't see much to actually counter this. She refers to her parenting days being over now.

I have voiced this to the mother before and she is very defensive- I can also hear her shouting at the DS as a result, so really don't know what to do.

AIBU to be concerned about this? Any ideas on what I could do to change the situation?

OP posts:
Oneminuteandthenallgone · 10/06/2019 22:15

What is he going to do next year?

We had my DDs friend spend about 70% of the time with us when she was 16. She just sort of moved in- parents were divorcing and both trying to find new partners.

hazelnutalphabet · 10/06/2019 22:18

Thank you. Next year, he is planning on doing Highers (A Levels) with a view to going to university. I am just worried about this as an ongoing problem for him.

I would love to take him in, but the DM is outwardly very proud and would never allow it/admit there was a problem.

OP posts:
UnderPompeii · 10/06/2019 22:25

Poor boy, sounds really lonely and you are right to be concerned about him. Are you able to offer a regular meal at yours, even once a week might make the difference to him. Given his age I'm not sure you can do much more than be an ongoing support for him.

hazelnutalphabet · 10/06/2019 23:10

Thank you UnderPompeii....problem is we live a few hours away.... we have used a weekend at ours for example, to try to break the loneliness and offer support where we can- but longer term this is only really feasible by texting encouragement etc.

OP posts:
UnderPompeii · 11/06/2019 06:33

Ah I see that does make it tricky then. You are still doing a great job of providing emotional support by keeping in touch though.

AJPTaylor · 11/06/2019 06:36

Can you ring him each evening for a chat and check on him? You can't make his mother care more sadly.

yearinyearout · 11/06/2019 06:55

This is so sad to read. Both my dc needed just as much support at that age as at any time in their lives. Hormones, friendships, exams, life decisions to be made. Poor kid. Could you get in touch with his school and let them know what's going on? Maybe they could offer some more pastoral support.

Pikapikachooo · 11/06/2019 06:58

I would definitely keep in touch and have him over for the occasional weekend
But texts and messages are a great idea just so he knows Someone is looking out for him

What a miserable existence for a child .

I wish I had better advice . If there anyone more local You could reach out to ?

IdaDown · 11/06/2019 07:04

Can you voice your concerns to his school? They will have a pastoral team.

UnicornBrexit · 11/06/2019 07:06

What country are you in?

Passthecherrycoke · 11/06/2019 07:06

That’s so sad. Poor boy

CodenameVillanelle · 11/06/2019 07:07

Who is this woman to you? Is it worth going nuclear on the relationship to tell her exactly what you think? Or would that leave the boy more isolated?

Patchworksack · 11/06/2019 07:22

That sounds miserable. What support does he have otherwise? Friends? Community? If he does badly in his exams is moving in with you to do resits a realistic option? Could it be presented as being able to attend xxx college rather than being able to live with you, that way his mother saves face?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 11/06/2019 07:30

I would be concerned that she might stop providing a home for him altogether once his Highers were out of the way, or perhaps as soon as he turned 18. Can he be steered towards working for his exams on the basis that he is clearly going to need to stand in his own two feet earlier than many of his peers?
Although my situation was quite different, it was the certain knowledge that I needed to stop living with my mother (and never go back) that helped motivate me to work for me exams. I couldn’t risk ever being out of work and unable to pay my own bills.

SkintAsASkintThing · 11/06/2019 07:34

Well he's 16. If you really wanted to take him in then you could. You could make a real difference to this poor boys life.

SongforSal · 11/06/2019 07:35

If you could take him in do or invite him over often. Let him know someone cares. I feel for the boy, my Dm was very similar. My Dm 'left' to live with her partner when I was 16. I suddenly found myself an adult with no warning nor preparation. I remember living on chicken burgers because I didn't know how to cook etc. If an adult had taken an interest I would have more than appreciated it!
My own are 19 and 14 now. I could not imagine ever treating them that way.

CluelessCamper · 11/06/2019 07:35

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

CluelessCamper · 11/06/2019 07:37

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

LoafofSellotape · 11/06/2019 07:39

Well he's 16. If you really wanted to take him in then you could. You could make a real difference to this poor boys life

This. I would too. Poor boy.

Graphista · 11/06/2019 07:40

What's your relationship to the boy/mother?

Yes as you're in Scotland no reason why he couldn't move in with you if you both wished.

He needs support.

Failing that I'd be talking to the school and possibly ss as his mental health at least is at risk and his previous mh issues make him vulnerable.

DownWithThisSortOfThin · 11/06/2019 07:43

That's really sad. I know his mother is proud but she is letting him down. Can you persuade him to come to stay longer term? (If that's feasible)

Can he do any activities in the evening - Scouts, boys brigade, Duke of Edinburgh, karate or something? Or is he too rural?

Smelborp · 11/06/2019 07:43

If the mum is outwardly very proud I would try and use that to shame her into being there more. So seeking help from his school / community for this abandoned child. I would make it clear that she is entirely to blame for the situation too.

DonkeyHohtay · 11/06/2019 07:46

Poor sod. We're in Scotland too and I have a boy of the same age. he still needs a lot of parental input.

Agree you could potentially raise concerns with the school, the Guidance Team are the people to speak to.

LoafofSellotape · 11/06/2019 07:47

Even if he came to stay with you at weekends it would probably help.

Candymay · 11/06/2019 07:53

Yes same question from me- you sound lovely. Could you have him every weekend and call him every evening? You could change his life. I

Swipe left for the next trending thread