AIBU- 16 year boy, parents not around

[hazelnutalphabet]

I'd appreciate opinions on this if possible please. Have name changed in case identifiable. Boy known well to me, just turned 16- doing National 5s (equivalent of GCSEs in Scotland). Has an older brother who is now off to uni.

The DM works and is a single parent, the father not on the scene. The DM works 9-5, and spends all evenings away from the home- with live-out boyfriend mostly. The DS 16 eating alone every evening, very demotivated with revision etc. The mother is not back until late. It is similar at the weekend, the DM engaged in various hobbies, the son spending almost all of his time outside of school alone. I believe this isn't the son's choice. The family live rurally, so the DS can't really engage in any hobbies etc with others within any walking distance/no trains/buses nearby.

The DM has voiced that she no longer sees her son as a priority and feels he should use his own time to study. Son failed prelim (mock) examinations earlier in the year however, his mother was angry about this- but didn't offer anything really in way of support.

Son is an intelligent, though now demotivated boy. He has had mental health difficulties as a younger child, though seems to have recovered from these- though is obviously at risk of things recurring again. He has voiced to me that he 'hardly ever' sees his mother. He seems happier actually when we can have him for a weekend- though obviously this isn't a long term solution.

I get a sense he feels his mother doesn't care about him.... and to be honest, I can't see much to actually counter this. She refers to her parenting days being over now.

I have voiced this to the mother before and she is very defensive- I can also hear her shouting at the DS as a result, so really don't know what to do.

AIBU to be concerned about this? Any ideas on what I could do to change the situation?

He is unlikely to benefit that much from seeking supported lodgings via social care as he would lose what financial support he does have from Mum. He needs transport - moped? If he would socialise given the chance. I would definitely let school know he seems unsupported, so they can hopefully offer him some mentoring.

Please have the child move in with you, please go and get him and speak to the school. I have posted on other threads about my daughters friend who stayed with us. Non have regretted it ( her parents only objected when I said - there were separated and started to collect her on Sundays! - someone is getting child benefit and tax credits for child and it's not me, her mother said child has a home here and if she wants to stay with you then she needs to leave Colman's get s job! Child's home conditions were appalling- she was amazed that if you put clothes in for washing a coupled days later you had them back clean and dry.

Well he's 16. If you really wanted to take him in then you could. You could make a real difference to this poor boys life.

It's not that simple though is it, OP has already said she lives a few hours away so that would mean moving schools, not to mention she already said his mother wouldn't allow it so who exactly is going to pay for another person to live with OP? I couldn't afford to take on a 16 year old boy informally.

Are there any other family members near him who may not be aware of what’s going on? Any chance of getting them on board?

How can the mother be proud? If you're proud in the way a lot of people are then she'd want to do a good job in raising her child. Pride motivates you in a way to make sure that you do a job well so nobody can criticize you. She's not proud, she is bloody lazy, neglectful and emotionally abusive. I would alert the boy's school as there may already be concerns about him. She is also leaving him at risk of a health & safety incident at home. If there was a fire and nobody knew that he was home alone, then what?

Does a school or college near you offer a course that's not available nearby to his mother's house? A weekend job somewhere near you that wouldn't be possible there? I'm thinking if there's a way he could move to be with you but she could save face and say it was an opportunity that couldn't be missed. Does he know you are serious about taking him in?

I think she should be reported to the school first & shouldn't be allowed a way out to save face. This is how some kids fall in with the wrong crowd and end up going off the rails. She needs to step up and be a parent and not prioritize a shag over her son.

If you are willing and able to offer him accommodation, then please do. The mother might be defensive, but I know my 16 year still needs company at home. It's not just the creature comforts, some of his friends parents work shift patterns, but we are not rural and there is always someone to go and see - or someone who is making tea....

The isolation you describe is not healthy. Perhaps as others have suggested see if there is a course near you that he may be interested in, then he could stay with you whilst doing the course, as a kind of no fault/no blame move??

Can you offer for him to come to you at weekends or even permanently to ‘supervise his revision’ or to ‘help him study’?

Realistically there won't be help for a 16 year old from SS I wouldn't have thought BUT I know ds's school would want to know and maybe offer counselling / support if appropriate.

You sound lovely OP - sounds like you're a lifeline. Feel bad for the boy... can you ring him more regularly?

Is he a relative? Could he come and live with you and do A levels next year rather than staying at home?

I think that's a very lonely, sad situation for the boy. Of course at 16 he's probably capable of looking after himself (making himself food etc) but that doesn't mean he doesn't need emotional support and company.

I would definitely let him come to stay with you regularly if you can.

I was the child in this situation. Left home alone every evening whilst my Dad was at his girlfriends house. My DSis was only home from Uni at Christmas and summer.

I was never given any practical advice or help with revision and have spent my adult life “winging it” as a result.

You can’t fix this situation but you can help.

Up the weekends at yours, find out what subjects he wants to focus on and help write or buy (download from web?) revision guides.

Create a WhatsApp chat and encourage him to ask questions? Call him every evening, show an interest in school day, what he had for dinner etc offer FaceTime/video calls, be light hearted and smiley.

If you can afford it buy him an odd treat here and there. Have you any holiday plans? Include him in them if you can.

Don’t bother trying to change his Mother, say I would also say not to contact the school unless safety or bullying is a concern as they would bring his mother in and/or force a friendship etc.

How is he with his local friends? Can you encourage further contact with them? Rural location makes that more difficult

The boy doesn't need to move in with you full-time or move into a hostel, which would be even worse. What he needs is you as an adult who isn't one of his parents to help support him emotionally and practically as needed. Telling and involving outside agencies won't help him unless he is in real trouble of harm as he trusts you and is basically self-sufficient. He just needs to have someone to watch his back.

I know others in this thread think this is a strange situation but it isn't rare in my social circles and even extended family for teenagers over 14 to need an adult who isn't their parent for some emotional and practical support. While only a couple of the cases have involved neglect like this there have been other issues including deaths and serious illness.

I'm going to go the opposite way and say that I don't see a massive problem here. He is 16 and that is old enough to do stuff independently. He also obviously has you (no idea what your relation is to him but it sounds as if you play a role as a mentor or trusted adult). Finally, you don't really know the details of his relationship with his mother. Maybe you could chat to his older brother about it and get another perspective?

Developing a sense of independence and responsibility will serve him well in future.

It's a shame about the rural location limiting his activities, socially and in terms of hobbies. Are you sure there is nothing local going on? Could he get a part time job helping out in stables or in a farm? You could also encourage him to develop an interest in hobbies and interests where geography isn't so limiting -- e.g. courses on MOOCs like FutureLearn or Coursera, a book club on Twitter or other digital platform, blogging about a topic of interest, Twitter.

If finances allow, you could pay for him to have tutoring by Skype in subjects where he is struggling.

Why don't you just keep on inviting him round for meals and chatting to him about how his studying is going?

Many thanks everyone for the advice and reflection. Reading through it all, it is helpful to see that most people would share my concerns. It is strangely difficult to contextualise at times when in the situation.

There is another family member who lives nearby (still a significant distance from the boy's home) that had taken the boy for some weekends. It isn't a long term solution for them to sustain this though.

I think we are going to try to intervene more with the mother in a last ditch effort in getting her to see sense. Involving the school I think is a sensible next step, I had also thought of this but wondered if I was being OTT. We will continue with messages and encouragement from afar too.

Many thanks everyone, the advice has been much appreciated.